I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Gruesome]

So backstory - I've been with this girl on and off for 3 years. Most recently she dropped her ex, about 5 months later after no contact at all we started hanging out again. She showed up at my house randomly with Pizza looking all gorgeous, apologized wanted to know how I was doing. We hung out that night(I was having a party, my room mate had invited her - she wanted to see me). It was amazing - we got along just like the good old days, set up another date for the following weekend. Expecting nothing, but maybe a friendship - I said OK, Yeah - lets do it.

 

That date went amazing, she came over - we looked at the stars, I made a comment about how I loved her hands as she is laying on my couch with my dog - and she just blurted out "I Love you". I did the same, it seemed so amazingly natural. Another date turns into another date into another date - So bam, we end up back together. Everything is amazing - 6 months pass, we end up looking at engagement rings, go on vacation together, spend a lot of time together - I raise her up she raises me up. It's amazing. Until one night....

 

One night I'm at her place, sitting on her bed - her ex husband calls her(she has a 3 year old son with this man, they have a generally good parental relationship) I got mildy jealous, as the conversation they had was almost 2 hours long as I'm sitting on the bed beside her. I end up pissed off, for no real reason - and end up getting in a fight about how she seems to think guys from her past who have showed her their scumbag side are not her friends, they are trying to sleep with her - not trying to hang out with her. I knew it was petty, dumb, etc - She ends up taking it as me calling her a whore - NOT AT ALL the point I was trying to make. Merely that people who have been scumbags in the past, will most likely eventually do so again - and that she shouldn't be hanging out with these people, even professionally because they are bad news. It's whatever if I was right or I was wrong.

 

We take some space. For days we argue, I tell her exactly how I feel about her (I Love her more than anything, she is the best thing to ever happen to me) and bam - she decides we'll work it out. It'll be OK. 2 weeks later we end up fighting about what we thought we had gotten over, I end up telling her exactly why I had issues - her past, I never told her before - She apologizes, feels bad, etc - We decided "OK Lets do this, lets try to fix it". We try again - and end up once again having a huge argument about it. Decided to take some time and work on us. I agree, she agrees. We're not together, but we're working on it. I love her. For her, unconditionally - She is taking this time to hang out with everyone (ALL GUY FRIENDS). I try not to be jealous - but I really just can't tell if her "guy friends" are just platonic or not. They go to nice restaurants, movies, clubs, etc. Different person every night. She assures me they are just friends. But it drives me nuts, I can't have any sort of confidence around her because I'm just so afraid she is going to meet somebody funnier, happier, and more successful than me and be swept away for good. It's not that I'm not funny, happy, and successful - just that it kills my confidence knowing she is constantly surrounding herself with other men. I knew she had guy friends before, it never bothered me before.

 

Since that initial fight I find it so difficult to be myself around her - I try so hard, so does she - I'm actually going to see a shrink next week to help me figure it out. But since then I just become this awkward, quiet, mess around her at the slightest mention of what she is doing that/the next night. It drives me nuts, and I can't get over it. I can't be normal around her. She tells me she loves me and has faith in me but I just can't be myself around her. I'm the happiest, funniest guy I know normally - she is the happiest, funniest girl I know - that's why I love her. I knew I loved her from day one - she knows that. We were both very independant before I just can't figure out why I can't be ME around her. It is ruining any future chances I have with her - and it seems she can just move on instantly, while I'm stuck here holding onto false hope - miserable, so sad at what I've ****ed up. It was MY fault - I thought we were over it, I just can't be myself around her. We have glimpses of the old me sometimes, but as soon as she mentions someone else I lose it and turn into an awkward mess.

 

In all other aspects of life I'm happy, successful, funny, and independant. I just can't get over this. She is the ONE for me, I know it. I've never felt this way about anybody before - never ever. She initiated loving me, and I just fell right back into it. It's like she just refuses to wait and let me deal with my issues - on to the next one. Like she is actively trying to find someone better than myself, and disguising it. But I can't tell because they are all her "friends" or not because I've never dated a girl with only guy friends. I know she's been faithful up to now - I'm just afraid of the future. She won't give me any kind of real commitment to fixing "US" just that we are working on it. She feels pressured to make a commitment, when in fact it is just me not thinking I should have to be in a competition with everyone else.

 

Anybody have any idea whats going on?

 

What the hell should I think? This is driving me crazy,

[Calico]

There are many "the ones" out there, and if there was truly only one, this woman would not be it because you would not have these issues if she was the perfect partner for you.

 

I don't think you are really as compatible as you currently feel. The way she wants to live her life triggers your insecurities and you react with tightening the grip and trying to control her, to put her in a golden cage. You are not even trusting her and she of course picks up on that (I'd also have trouble with a girl who only hangs out with men, but then again, most of my friends are women too and I expect my partner to accept that -- double standard right there). There's something peculiar about life: The more you push, the more resistance there is.

 

Snap out of the "fault" oriented thinking. You're who you are, she's who she is, and if for any reason things don't work out and neither of you deliberately caused harm for each other, then it's just not a matter of "fault". Even if you made mistakes, you cannot change the past, no matter how much you beat yourself up over it. You can't go back and do things differently. I'm an expert at regrets and re-living the past in my head over and over until the pain is so bad that I can get barely out of bed, but it's completely counter-productive. Just learn, change and move on. Move forward. There are billions of women in this world, and many of them are very special.

[Gab09]

Calico, I'm sorry man..

 

I just really liked your post, it made me feel better in a way..

 

But in this roller coaster i'm riding, the rush doesn't last nearly as long as i'd want it to

 

But that part..

 

"You can't go back and do things differently. I'm an expert at regrets and re-living the past in my head over and over until the pain is so bad that I can get barely out of bed, but it's completely counter-productive. Just learn, change and move on. Move forward. There are billions of women in this world, and many of them are very special."

 

Really hit home with me.

[Gruesome]

Thanks for the advice. I went ahead and did .what I needed to do and went NC. She didn't understand, thinks I'm crazy for not being able to be her friend.

 

But you know what I don't care because I know I can't do it.

 

I've started trying to move on its gotten easier - it's really difficult at times. I find especially when I wake up or trying to fall asleep.

 

As I figured she has a date lined up every night since and seems not to be phased by it. Her response when I told her was "you're just creating drama, go away". I guess one if the perks of having all male friends is never having to look hard for your next relationship.

 

So it does hurt. It may have not been meant to be. I just had to explain to her not to come back to me in a way she could understand because every time she comes back we fall in love again and it never lasts for her but I'm left picking myself back up. I need to be over her for good. I didn't want to be with heryhis time in the first place.

 

I don't think I'll ever get past her completely, of all the girls I've been in relationships with and thought I loved it was just different with her.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Gruesome

[Gruesome]

This whole thing has just left me so bitter and angry. I held back my emotions for so long, she pushed and pushed to get them out of me. I gave her the whole me and she just threw me away. She wanted me to fix things about myself, I would try - she would tell me that trying is not good enough... We would agree not to be together, but then she would want to work on things. It was so confusing, so frustrating.

 

I have never been an angry person but she has driven me to blowing up and saying things I don't mean on numerous occasions. Which leads to her being more honest about her past just to hurt me.

 

It feels good to have a place to put that thought. Whoo.