Having Friends of the Opposite Sex When Married

[hooliganization]

Hello so at this point I'm not exactly married yet, but I'm still considering it. He has asked me, but I know myself and I know I am a jealous person (when I don't know the girl). I don't know how to work things out once me and my boyfriend get married. All my friends consist of single males. There is no attraction to them whatsoever. We share a platonic friendship. When we first started dating, they were the ones giving me advice and the ones who actually let me know he was acting genuinely. I'm not one to cheat... and have never done so.

 

The thing is, it's the same for him. He says he gets along better with women. So his friends consist of girls. Although, these are girls he just so happens to meet recently, unlike my male counterparts.

 

Because of a previous incident, we've now made it clear we can not have a friend of the opposite sex over past midnight.

 

Recently, he hung out with a friend he hasn't seen in awhile. She didn't want to meet me because she says her guy friend's girlfriends always get bad vibes from her. So I have yet to meet her, and because of this I don't think I will because she refuses to. Anyways, I've never hung out with my male friends on a one on one basis for dinner and a movie. That's what they were planning on doing and it was 11 pm on Sunday.

 

I don't know, am I being a little irrational? I don't know how it would be once we were actually to get married. Is hanging out with a friend of the opposite sex on a one on one basis okay? I love and trust him, it's really just the girls he seems to attract and meet as friends that I don't. Especially, when they're not willing to meet me.

[2sure]

It's extremely odd that if they are such good friends that she wouldn't want to meet you.

 

And her reason, frankly, sucks.

[carhill]

If you're at the point you're both considering marriage, your social circles should be pretty well integrated. It's time for a dinner party. Let all those apparently single friends of yours mingle. Be proactive. I'm sure he'll be happy to meet your male friends and you his female friends. How many married couples amongst those referenced in the OP are you friends with?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Anyways, I've never hung out with my male friends on a one on one basis for dinner and a movie. That's what they were planning on doing and it was 11 pm on Sunday.

 

I would not be comfortable with this, and would be verbal about it.

[whichwayisup]

I would not be comfortable with this' date=' and would be verbal about it.[/quote']

 

He now has to set up boundries with her and his other women friends. 11pm with ANY woman while engaged to you and even more so once married has to stop. Totally inappropriate behaviour.

 

And, she needs to get over herself. This crap about 'other wives/girlfriends don't like me/feel threatened by me' excuse is BULLCRAP. Meet her. You tell him if she is going to be in his life, then she has to get to know you as well.

 

Any guy friends I have in my life, my husband knows. Some are childhood friends I've known since I was a little kid, we socialize as couples too. Once in a blue moon my childhood friend and I go for coffee and catch up.

 

It's all about boundries and respecting eachother. If your future husband loves and respects you like he should, he'll put that so called friend on the backburner and distance himself from her.

[JamesM]

IMO when married, his friends are you friends and vice versa. If he cannot respect that or his friends cannot respect that, then it will come between you.

 

My wife would not mind if I go out with a female friend, and in the past I have done so related to work. But it depends. Some she "trusts" and others she does not. It doesn't matter how I feel about them, but what her gut feeling says how they respect her and my being married. One woman I worked with was not trusted by her and another was. The one that was trusted was more attractive to me. I found that weird. Yet her gut instinct was correct. Some time after the untrusted one shacked up with a married man. And the trusted one told me once that she would never do anything with me because she liked my wife too much...even thought they were not friends.

 

Trust your gut. And have a talk with your "husband." If he cannot respect your feelings and put them ahead of his female friends, then it is best to find that out now before it becomes an insurmountable problem. If his friends cannot respect his future wife's feelings, then you have a right to be concerned. It is simply not because YOU are jealous but also where you fit into his life.

[pteromom]

Friends of the opposite sex? No problem.

 

Going out alone with a friend of the opposite sex? No problem.

 

A friend of the opposite sex refusing to meet me and my SO is ok with that? PROBLEM.

 

As someone else said, if you are getting married, you should know all of each other's friends. Anyone who doesn't want to meet the soon-to-be husband or wife is now an ex-friend.

[denise_xo]

Friends of the opposite sex? No problem.

 

Going out alone with a friend of the opposite sex? No problem.

 

A friend of the opposite sex refusing to meet me and my SO is ok with that? PROBLEM.

 

As someone else said, if you are getting married, you should know all of each other's friends. Anyone who doesn't want to meet the soon-to-be husband or wife is now an ex-friend.

 

Fully agree with all of this.

 

I don't know how old you guys are, but this sounds like it's coming from a 14 year old:

 

She didn't want to meet me because she says her guy friend's girlfriends always get bad vibes from her.

[Radu]

LOL

 

Gotta appreciate the girl's honesty.

She even says that the gf's feel threatened by her.

If this is a trend and it got to be a rule [and i believe it did], than her way of acting certainly made it this way.

 

She basically let out a massive warning.

[BeyondtheClouds]

Once you have problems with your partner's opposite sex friends (OSFs), you become very unapologetic about having boundaries with them. Boundaries that both of you observe regarding respective OSFs, but boundaries just the same.

 

Your partner should be putting your needs first. After all, he's expecting you to stop dating other men and to account for your free time away from him. (ETA) and when your relationship goes forward, you will be sharing a home;finances; concerns and responsibilities regarding your respective family members. why then, is he able to spend time with other women, particularly women who don't want to meet you. And she's not ever going to take up those responsibilities in HIS life.

 

An exclusive relationship cannot withstand one partner's need to carry on other relationships independent of the exclusive relationship. Pretty soon, you will find your partner macking you for the cost of dates while he takes out his "friend"; he will never be with you totally because he's texting her; and just about everything out of his mouth the relationship you share with him will come from a conversation he had with her.

 

If you like the look of that relationship, then go ahead and let things happen.

 

It is a sign of confidence to ask for what you want and to move on if you don't get it in that situation.

Edited September 13, 2012 by BeyondtheClouds

[standtall]

IMHO, once you are a serious couple it is a moot point. Married and committed people should not be hanging out with friends of the opposite sex on a regular basis. They should have couple friends and friends of the same gender..call it a conflict of interest. Now, there are some exceptions, but for me, if my wife all of a sudden had a new guy friend, I would have a problem with it. Additionally, I do not make friends with single women out of respect for my wife.