Lostnlonley Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 So here goes....I met a man and we got involved in a rather serious relationship very quickly. I won't go into the major details, but we both have previous marriages and kids. He is 37 and in his previous marriage for 13 years. They had two children, but their daughter died of cancer at 12 years old 5 years ago, and the divorce followed shortly after. Their younger son (now 15) is the priority, and they still maintain a healthy friendship for his sake. They don't talk every day, maybe a few times a week, maybe once a month go to dinner or brunch all together. I have yet to meet either of them, but they both know about me. There was an ex gf before me for 3 years. It was very soon after the divorce, and there was bitterness from the ex wife (understandably). The two women never met. Boyfriend decided he wants to do things right and wants me to meet the ex wife soon, before I meet their son. I am ok with this but extremely shy/nervous about it. I feel like she automatically won't like me because I'm the new woman. A few months ago we went on a camping trip and apparently she got upset because that was one of their traditions. Traditions hold a deeper meaning for them because of the loss of their daughter, and I understand and respect this. Twice in the year we have been together they have gone on trips together as a "family" with their son. One was a camping trip, they stayed in a cabin, and the other was a short trip to Seattle for a concert, staying in a hotel. I have been assured that no beds were shared, and I completely trust my boyfriend. I talked to him about it, and told him I was a little jealous but that I trusted him. He feels indebted to his ex wife and always wants to make sure she is taken care of, he takes responsibility for the problems in their relationship and carries guilt over cheating on her a few times. He told me last night that he wants me to come spend Christmas with them. This makes me extremely nervous. I know he doesn't want me to be alone (no family and daughter is at dads) and its a sweet gesture, but I really do not want to upset his ex wife. Is this weird for me to care about her feelings? I feel like I respect her, she seems like a good person and I know if it were switched around it would make me uncomfortable. Do I politely decline? Is it too soon? We are meeting probably in the next month or so. What do you think about their relationship? I feel like its a special case given that they are the only ones who can share the pain of losing a daughter together...I feel like they have a special bond, but it will never be like ours either. I am secure in that.
amaysngrace Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 You don't need to give him an answer about Christmas just yet, so why don't you wait until you meet his exW for the first time before deciding what to do about that?
Author Lostnlonley Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 I think that's definitely what I'll do. I guess if things go well I can accept....but if she throws a fit about it to him or expresses extreme dislike for the idea, I should not go right? Or is this letting her have Too much control over our relationship? I'd hate it if there was a fight over it and he ended up spending it with me without his son. Then again, I'd be pissed if she called the shots over it too and told him I absolutely can't come.
amaysngrace Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 You need to chill about this right now. You're trying to figure out what you're gonna do depending on what she's gonna do and it's a whole lot of wasted energy on your part. It's early yet. Meet her first. And go from there. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 This sounds like the kind of man that rushes into relationships and starts engrossing a woman into his personal life without much thought put into it. He's probably someone that isn't used to not being married and hasn't settled much into the single life and being alone...therefore his motives and actions are going to come on very strong...however I'd expect this guy to put you in situations you aren't comfortable in impulsively. I think you need to take a more active role in the relationship, communicating and expressing how you feel and where your comfort with instead of being pulled by the arm and going with it because you think this guy means serious business/relationship. I wouldn't get all hopped into that, he seems like the type to push hard fast without much rationalization put into it. It's not your responsibility to manage or gauge the relationship he has with his ex-wife, however it clearly seems like they are still emotionally deeply invested...she seems to have not let go and he seems be giving into to her appeals for his time and attention. I think what he does with his ex-wife he'd do with any woman he was with...so I wouldn't feel so responsible on his decisions, he's a big boy and can figure thinks out for himself when he figures out that he doesn't have a good balanced relationship with his ex and she's still too connected to his life and he needs to maintain a healthy distance. I think his dilemma will always be how to satisfy you and his ex-wife at the same time...he's got to establish and keep the trust while he continues to spend time as a family man with his son and his ex-wife as If they never got divorced and make you feel "special" in that dynamic. I can't say I understand that aspect of it very much but personally because I've never been married with kids, but I probably wouldn't be very happy about it...I wouldn't want to worry about my SO still playing the family gig while I sit on the sidelines waiting around for them to come back, how fair is that to my relationship? I don't think I'd be OK with that. Bottom line Is I think you're just going to go with whatever he says, you seem too emotionally invested at this point to do anything that would impede or distance yourself from him...especially since you feel that what you have is so special...I'm sure the last woman felt the same way however, and I wonder why that didn't work out and If this had anything to do with it...but I'm sure he has explanation and reason for everything that's convincing enough. I think you should be careful with this guy...and start asking questions and try to establish boundaries instead just going along for the ride.
LadyGrey Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I'm sorry but I'm going to be debbie downer here. I saw several red flags here. I realize that losing a child is a terrible thing to happen to a couple but even with that, he has not detached from his xwife in a healthy way and if things don't change you are always going to find yourself taking 3rd place and being low gal on the totem pole. You aren't happy now and it's a problem and sadly I think you are the one who is compromising too much. Overnight trips.......nooo, can't see that, that should not be happening. There shouldn't be a reason for that to be ok with you, imo. He cheated more than once, BIG red flag there and you keep saying you trust him, so I wonder why do you trust him? Is it blind trust? Your BF does not have good boundaries with his x. This should concern you and you should speak with him and tell him how you feel and see what he offers to do to fix it. If he won't compromise, I think you should back off. So here goes....I met a man and we got involved in a rather serious relationship very quickly. I won't go into the major details, but we both have previous marriages and kids. He is 37 and in his previous marriage for 13 years. They had two children, but their daughter died of cancer at 12 years old 5 years ago, and the divorce followed shortly after. Their younger son (now 15) is the priority, and they still maintain a healthy friendship for his sake. They don't talk every day, maybe a few times a week, maybe once a month go to dinner or brunch all together. I have yet to meet either of them, but they both know about me. There was an ex gf before me for 3 years. It was very soon after the divorce, and there was bitterness from the ex wife (understandably). The two women never met. Boyfriend decided he wants to do things right and wants me to meet the ex wife soon, before I meet their son. I am ok with this but extremely shy/nervous about it. I feel like she automatically won't like me because I'm the new woman. A few months ago we went on a camping trip and apparently she got upset because that was one of their traditions. Traditions hold a deeper meaning for them because of the loss of their daughter, and I understand and respect this. Twice in the year we have been together they have gone on trips together as a "family" with their son. One was a camping trip, they stayed in a cabin, and the other was a short trip to Seattle for a concert, staying in a hotel. I have been assured that no beds were shared, and I completely trust my boyfriend. I talked to him about it, and told him I was a little jealous but that I trusted him. He feels indebted to his ex wife and always wants to make sure she is taken care of, he takes responsibility for the problems in their relationship and carries guilt over cheating on her a few times. He told me last night that he wants me to come spend Christmas with them. This makes me extremely nervous. I know he doesn't want me to be alone (no family and daughter is at dads) and its a sweet gesture, but I really do not want to upset his ex wife. Is this weird for me to care about her feelings? I feel like I respect her, she seems like a good person and I know if it were switched around it would make me uncomfortable. Do I politely decline? Is it too soon? We are meeting probably in the next month or so. What do you think about their relationship? I feel like its a special case given that they are the only ones who can share the pain of losing a daughter together...I feel like they have a special bond, but it will never be like ours either. I am secure in that. 3
FitChick Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It sounds like they are maintaining the fantasy that they are still one happy family even though the daughter is dead. She's going to be dead for a long time so how long will this charade go on? It isn't allowing any of them to move on with their lives. They are as stuck as they ever were. Perhaps they need formal grief counseling. Better late than never. 1
Berrie26 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 My brother died and my parents divorced soon after. They have never spent an overnight together, done trips together, ect. I find that to be a HUGE red flag. That being said, my boyfriend does help his ex-wife out sometimes when she needs it (pet sitting, helping out her grandparents, borrowing stuff she needs) but I would find anything beyond that to be inappropriate. Just my opinion though.
Scott68 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Lady Grey is 100% right. Overnight trips with the ex? Seriously? No way in hell. You are the woman in his life now not her. They share a child not a room. They want to be friends that's great but friends don't do overnight in hotel rooms. Would you be able to go away with a guy you had sex with? Probably not. Don't fall for this.
Ugh1 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Yup, I wouldn't spend X-mas with them. That is their family, but how is that going to work out if you guys have children together later in life? I wouldn't be ok with overnight trips, but I understand why you would be reluctant to broach that subject. However, you are in a relationship with him and he should respect that fact. Going to activities and such to support their son is fine, but should never involve staying in a hotel (even in seperate beds)
Quiet Storm Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 carries guilt over cheating on her a few times. I completely trust my boyfriend. Think with your head and not with your heart. You know he is capable of being a cheater and a liar, and yet you still completely trust him. Why? Cheating and lying are not situational. They are character flaws that usually follow people from relationship to relationship. The emotions that you feel for him are causing you to ignore important red flags.
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