One year later

[lilyblue]

It's been just about a year since my ex disappeared on me without a word. This was a man I was friends with for years prior to us dating. One day he just stopped talking to me... which he has kept up until this day. I found out he was back with his ex-wife. And that is the story in a nutshell.

 

I am still having SUCH big problems getting over it. I miss him as a friend, I miss him as a boyfriend, just everything. I miss his energy and being part of my life. And I don't know how to get past it.

 

Recently his brother contacted me (who I also hadn't seen for about a year, we were friends before as well) and him and his wife hung out with me for a little bit... which was kind of weird, who knows what the ex told them I guess... but it was kind of a nice way for me to feel not so hated. I've also run into some other members of his family and it felt nice to catch up with them. I actually saw the ex a few months ago but we literally were running past each other. He said hi, I said nothing.

 

I just don't know how to get over the situation. Part of me still just wants to show up at his door and demand that I be heard. I had zero input in the situation and it all just feels so wrong, and still just makes me so sad.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. Just venting I guess

[nothuman]

That is so bizarre, I am shocked. When I was upset in my relationship for reasons i'd say to myself "okay, no talking to him for four days" as kind of a silent treatment thing (immature, i know) but never just drop off the face of the earth for life. I could never do that to someone and find it absolutely horrible that he did....So seriously, from relationship to not even a word spoken? That is messed up and disgusting he owed you something more than that. I'd love to say he isn't even worth it because clearly someone that can't even give you the courtesy of an explanation ISN'T but I know in your heart you need closure. That's what it is, closure would make things much easier. I feel awful from a break up now and I can't imagine feeling the way I feel now ONE YEAR FROM NOW!!! You need to heal, it is mental torment. I really don't know which way to go... Clearly no contact hasn't helped since one year later you're still thinking of it so I think at this point reach out?? Go to his door and demand an explanation nicely and calmly and say you need closure. Dang, tough position you're in....

[Ninja'sHusband]

It's been just about a year since my ex disappeared on me without a word. This was a man I was friends with for years prior to us dating. One day he just stopped talking to me... which he has kept up until this day. I found out he was back with his ex-wife. And that is the story in a nutshell.

 

I am still having SUCH big problems getting over it. I miss him as a friend, I miss him as a boyfriend, just everything. I miss his energy and being part of my life. And I don't know how to get past it.

 

Recently his brother contacted me (who I also hadn't seen for about a year, we were friends before as well) and him and his wife hung out with me for a little bit... which was kind of weird, who knows what the ex told them I guess... but it was kind of a nice way for me to feel not so hated. I've also run into some other members of his family and it felt nice to catch up with them. I actually saw the ex a few months ago but we literally were running past each other. He said hi, I said nothing.

 

I just don't know how to get over the situation. Part of me still just wants to show up at his door and demand that I be heard. I had zero input in the situation and it all just feels so wrong, and still just makes me so sad.

 

I don't know what I'm asking. Just venting I guess

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's really not fair, sounds like you were a hard core victim of a rebound relationship. How long was it after his divorce that he got back with her (oorr....dare I ask?)

 

I'm currently in that weird time where my marriage has ended and it's all just paper work now...but I know I shouldn't start with someone else because it's so risky, confusing, and unfair to them even though it would be a great source of comfort to me in a tough time.

 

I should book mark this post every time I think about trying to start something new too soon...

[Mcnulty]

I'm /was in similiar situation to you, so I empathize totally.

 

I was with her 8 years, she just disappeared and next i knew, she was announcing on FB she was in a rel with my friend. I couldn't believe it and was in total shock for a time.

 

So many questions, I haven't asked any and remained NC from that day. It went from anger, betrayal, emptiness, to now, just sadness. Sad that i lost my best friend. It's scarred me, i know that and find it hard to open up and trust now...11 months later.

 

What i do, is wish her well..she has a major illness at the mo and it worries me...because i still love her and always will.

 

I guess we just have to accept and live our life, however scarred and sad it is.

[lilyblue]

I want to thank all three of you for your replies so much. I'm having another rough day. Just sad and feeling rather hopeless about everything. Also having a hard time with memories today. I just miss what he brought to my life.

 

That is so bizarre, I am shocked. When I was upset in my relationship for reasons i'd say to myself "okay, no talking to him for four days" as kind of a silent treatment thing (immature, i know) but never just drop off the face of the earth for life. I could never do that to someone and find it absolutely horrible that he did....So seriously, from relationship to not even a word spoken? That is messed up and disgusting he owed you something more than that. I'd love to say he isn't even worth it because clearly someone that can't even give you the courtesy of an explanation ISN'T but I know in your heart you need closure. That's what it is, closure would make things much easier. I feel awful from a break up now and I can't imagine feeling the way I feel now ONE YEAR FROM NOW!!! You need to heal, it is mental torment. I really don't know which way to go... Clearly no contact hasn't helped since one year later you're still thinking of it so I think at this point reach out?? Go to his door and demand an explanation nicely and calmly and say you need closure. Dang, tough position you're in....

 

I have used the word bizarre many times. The man is 36. Who does that?? Seriously - relationship to ignoring. He "courted" me for months and months. We had so many talks about what it was going to look like, were on the same page. He went on a business trip, things seemed fairly normal contact-wise while he was gone. He texted me when his plane landed when he got home and I replied. The next day I texted him to see if he wanted to get dinner and got no reply. The next day I called him, no answer and no reply. The next day I emailed him to see if everything was ok. Nothing, EVER. I know he's a coward, but doesn't really help me with my feelings.

 

I do need closure, but I'm not sure how to get it. Showing up at his house sounds like a potentially awful situation since I'm sure his ex-wife has moved back in. I'm sure she's partly driving this and gave him an ultimatum (no excuse for him to at least not break things off with respect).

 

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's really not fair, sounds like you were a hard core victim of a rebound relationship. How long was it after his divorce that he got back with her (oorr....dare I ask?)

 

I'm currently in that weird time where my marriage has ended and it's all just paper work now...but I know I shouldn't start with someone else because it's so risky, confusing, and unfair to them even though it would be a great source of comfort to me in a tough time.

 

I should book mark this post every time I think about trying to start something new too soon...

 

I'm not one to play victim, but I definitely do feel like it in this situation. Not even sure where the silver lining is in all this.

 

He had been separated for a little over a year and a half. They had tried to get back together about 8 months after they separated but he had ended it in a few weeks. The divorce paperwork had been final for about 6 months maybe? He had dated a couple other women before me and he told me his rebounding was done. He said he knew himself and he was ready to be in a relationship. He respected me, he had thought long and hard about this, etc etc. All the right words. We had been hanging out a ton (platonically) while he was dating other women, and I was dating someone else and I felt like our friendship was really strong. He continually told me how happy I made him and how glad he was to be with me. I just still can't believe he did that to ME of all people. sigh.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this transition, I hope you find more peace with it than he clearly has.

I'm /was in similiar situation to you, so I empathize totally.

 

I was with her 8 years, she just disappeared and next i knew, she was announcing on FB she was in a rel with my friend. I couldn't believe it and was in total shock for a time.

 

So many questions, I haven't asked any and remained NC from that day. It went from anger, betrayal, emptiness, to now, just sadness. Sad that i lost my best friend. It's scarred me, i know that and find it hard to open up and trust now...11 months later.

 

What i do, is wish her well..she has a major illness at the mo and it worries me...because i still love her and always will.

 

I guess we just have to accept and live our life, however scarred and sad it is.

 

That's pretty awful after 8 years. Sorry you're going through this as well. I wish I could figure out a way to accept it. Seems to be something I really struggle with.

[Sugarkane]

I know how you feel to a T. Never got closure and never been contacted even more than a year. It doesn't make much sense when everything seems to be going well and then they just end it for no real reason. Doesn't make sense. Then refusing to give closure. You deserve so much better. I always hope that someone screws these people over. I can't help it.

[lilyblue]

I know how you feel to a T. Never got closure and never been contacted even more than a year. It doesn't make much sense when everything seems to be going well and then they just end it for no real reason. Doesn't make sense. Then refusing to give closure. You deserve so much better. I always hope that someone screws these people over. I can't help it.

 

I really hope someone screws him over. Although he already kind of was the first time by his ex-wife/current gf. Hopefully he has more coming to him.

 

My brain just won't quit!! I still have dreams all the time. Last night I dreamed that we were sitting in the backseat of his car and I was yelling at him about what he did while his exwife/gf drove us around. At one point he kissed her and told her he loved her.

 

I'm just so mad at him still and so sad! I can't figure out what to do to make my brain stop.

[okiedokie]

Dreams are full of symbolism. They are how our subconscious works things out, reorders and attempts to make sence of what we are at that point unable to make sence of. If you learn to read your dreams they are very often a window into what you are struggling to grasp, comprehend, or accept. In your dream, you are in the backseat and your ex's wife/gf is driving b/c at least on some level (even subconsciously), you may feel she has all of the control in this situation, hense she is driving while you are being driven...pretty strong symbolism.

 

I was in a relationship that ended poorly a few years back with no closure and I struggled for a long time to gain it. I had wild dreams filled with lots of symbolism as my heart and my mind attempted to makes sence of what was to me non-sensical. What I can tell you about closure is very much in line with all the cliches you hear that "closure comes from within". There's nothing your ex can say or do that will erase what has happened, so even if he were to say the words you long for him to say to you to give you the closure you are seeking it would fall flat in resolving things in your heart.

 

What you need in order to find true closure is to grieve the end of the relationship and to do that you have to familiarize yourself with the stages of grief as it is very much the same process as grieving the death of a loved one. Grieving is the only healthy way to release the pain of sorrow and find true resolution. When people say you find closure from within this is the process by which it is done.

 

I agree that your ex acted cowardly in the way he ended things with you. However, your closure is contingent upon you being proactive in your healing and closure will be a natural and welcomed bi-product of that process.

Edited September 18, 2012 by okiedokie
added more

[lilyblue]

Dreams are full of symbolism. They are how our subconscious works things out, reorders and attempts to make sence of what we are at that point unable to make sence of. If you learn to read your dreams they are very often a window into what you are struggling to grasp, comprehend, or accept. In your dream, you are in the backseat and your ex's wife/gf is driving b/c at least on some level (even subconsciously), you may feel she has all of the control in this situation, hense she is driving while you are being driven...pretty strong symbolism.

 

I was in a relationship that ended poorly a few years back with no closure and I struggled for a long time to gain it. I had wild dreams filled with lots of symbolism as my heart and my mind attempted to makes sence of what was to me non-sensical. What I can tell you about closure is very much in line with all the cliches you hear that "closure comes from within". There's nothing your ex can say or do that will erase what has happened, so even if he were to say the words you long for him to say to you to give you the closure you are seeking it would fall flat in resolving things in your heart.

 

What you need in order to find true closure is to grieve the end of the relationship and to do that you have to familiarize yourself with the stages of grief as it is very much the same process as grieving the death of a loved one. Grieving is the only healthy way to release the pain of sorrow and find true resolution. When people say you find closure from within this is the process by which it is done.

 

I agree that your ex acted cowardly in the way he ended things with you. However, your closure is contingent upon you being proactive in your healing and closure will be a natural and welcomed bi-product of that process.

 

Thanks a lot for your thoughtful reply. I'm never sure how much to read into dreams in general, but I do have to say that even I can see the symbolism in this one She completely drove all that happened. Not saying that in a judgmental way. She was the one who left him. And then when she wanted back together, that's what they did.

 

I know most of my problem at this point is that I'm pretty sure he could give me closure. But I know that he won't. I've had a similar situation happen before (unfortunately). They guy came back and apologized after 6 months of silence and it really did set me free.

 

I honestly don't know how to find it within. I don't even really understand what that means I don't think. I know about the stages of grief, but I don't seem to progress through them.

 

If anyone has any specific insight on "closure from within" I'd love to hear it. I'm looking for concrete steps. I seem to fail at things like "just let go"

[okiedokie]

Really, I think it comes down to being able to accept things at face value. For example, my ex began pulling away from me about six months prior to me breaking things off. I didn't want to end things and felt that she in a passive aggressive manner left me little choice after all other attempts to work things out failed. I loved her and I said so, but she didn't love me enough to stay and work on things. I had to take that as my closure. It wasn't the closure I wanted but it was all I had and since she all but disappeared from my life soon after the breakup she wasn't going to offer up any closure for me. My point is that you take what you have and work with it. For me that meant learning to grieve the relationship and the loss of the friendship. It also meant re-evaluating the relationship after a certain point in my healing process and coming to understand that it wasn't the perfect relationship I thought it was at the time. We both had made mistakes, yet early on in the breakup I was more apt to take the lion's share of the blame for the breakup...with time, distance and a lot of healing I learned that she was responsible for her part in the break up too and I could only accept responsibility for mine. That was a key for me. It took me a long while to work through the emotions to get to this point but when I did I left the fantasy world of relationships and entered into reality...the rose colored glasses were off and I saw things for how they truely were not how I wised they were. For me that's when closure came...I saw that I wasn't responsible for everything and the guilt I carried around for having lost such an important person in my life lifted. I don't know if that is concrete steps b/c I think it's probably different for each person but I think working with what you have is the key starting point. Not sure if I answered your question but I hope this helps.

[lilyblue]

I feel so hopeless...

 

Still missing the ex, still don't know how to cope with it. And I just feel like it's never going to happen for me.

 

Have gone out on dates and they don't go anywhere. My coworker and I have been talking a ton. He texts me pretty much all day every day, flirts, seems interested. It's been pretty much this way for maybe 8 months or so? But we never hang out. Today I finally asked him what was going on. He said he's trying not to think about dating right now and still has baggage from his ex (which is definitely true, this isn't the first of heard of it by any means, but he's seemed to be denying it more lately, which i thought maybe he was telling me for my benefit). He said maybe he should try to thing about dating again.

 

It was a very nice conversation, but I left it feeling totally rejected.

 

Nothing good is ever going to happen.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Aw Lilyblue, such a bittersweet story.

 

The pain of being an also-ran, the pain of rejection: exquisitely horrid.

 

But think of it like this: Your ex had a decision to make, and made it. Evidently it was a difficult decision, and you were excluded to make it easier for him to pursue his choice without the emotional confusion of dealing with two people at once.

 

But, you were likely a very *close* also-ran. That's why he cut you out. If he was a stronger guy, he would have been able to do that and let you down more gently: this shows a weakness in him, that lack of straightforwardness.

 

But that doesn't alter the fundamental situation that, just for your ex, you came second - and second is nowhere. So move on.

 

He will always know he was weak, and wasted your time. May not be thinking about it now, but at some point he will reflect and find this out. You, however, don't have to reflect on it: just put him gently but firmly to one side in your mind, and find people to socialise with, even if it takes an effort. BTW, points to your co-worker for being honest about still being in an emotional tangle, and to you for being a good friend to him.

 

I had someone do the "Leave then no contact" thing to me after a six year relationship. Didn't understand at the time. Now see it as reflecting their limitations and moved on many years back. Still resent deep down, but kind of on behalf of my former self, if that makes sense. You'll get to that, just give it time.

 

Best wishes, hugs even, and good luck

[lilyblue]

Aw Lilyblue, such a bittersweet story.

 

The pain of being an also-ran, the pain of rejection: exquisitely horrid.

 

But think of it like this: Your ex had a decision to make, and made it. Evidently it was a difficult decision, and you were excluded to make it easier for him to pursue his choice without the emotional confusion of dealing with two people at once.

 

But, you were likely a very *close* also-ran. That's why he cut you out. If he was a stronger guy, he would have been able to do that and let you down more gently: this shows a weakness in him, that lack of straightforwardness.

 

But that doesn't alter the fundamental situation that, just for your ex, you came second - and second is nowhere. So move on.

 

He will always know he was weak, and wasted your time. May not be thinking about it now, but at some point he will reflect and find this out. You, however, don't have to reflect on it: just put him gently but firmly to one side in your mind, and find people to socialise with, even if it takes an effort. BTW, points to your co-worker for being honest about still being in an emotional tangle, and to you for being a good friend to him.

 

I had someone do the "Leave then no contact" thing to me after a six year relationship. Didn't understand at the time. Now see it as reflecting their limitations and moved on many years back. Still resent deep down, but kind of on behalf of my former self, if that makes sense. You'll get to that, just give it time.

 

Best wishes, hugs even, and good luck

 

Good reminder that it was his weakness that created this situation. I know it. And yet... it only goes so far to help me.

 

I wish I could figure out HOW to put it all aside, or push it to the back. I don't know why I can't, actually, after this amount of time. I did therapy, and apparently she couldn't figure it out either, because I really got nowhere.

 

I assume they're going to get remarried, which is just so weird.

 

I am thankful that the coworker was actually able to have the conversation with me (he usually deflects serious questions quite well). And it wasn't like "i really like you, but..." nonsense. I think he has been hurt, just as much as I have. It's just frustrating in it's own way.

 

Every single one of my friends is in a relationship right now, and I do lots of group things, but that can only get me so far in feeling better.

[CopingGal]

My gosh, you all should thank your lucky stars you are no longer in relationships with these losers. Plus, you should pity the people they left you for. Look what they got! Anyone who would do that to someone else is no good, childish, disrespectful, stupid, and just an all-around loser.

[Sugarkane]

To me it just shows how callous these people really are.

[lilyblue]

My gosh, you all should thank your lucky stars you are no longer in relationships with these losers. Plus, you should pity the people they left you for. Look what they got! Anyone who would do that to someone else is no good, childish, disrespectful, stupid, and just an all-around loser.

 

To me it just shows how callous these people really are.

 

While in my head I 100% believe both of these things are true, and sometimes it does make me feel better for a minute, that's about all it lasts - a minute.

 

I wish my head could be stronger than my feelings. And I wish there was a way to just not miss someone anymore.