for all my NC experts...

September 5, 2012

i've come across a website where the author says no contact is for people who have issues and it doesn't work. i disagree but it made me think.

6 Psychological Reasons People Use No Contact | | Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng

i am currently using no contact (day 24!) but does it look like i am being an immature brat towards my ex? i know, i know.. i have no obligation to talk to him.. nor do i owe him an explanation or anything.. but i stopped talking to him cold turkey. no warning, no anything when i did it. and now he's questioning it... (my last post gives more details, but.. he basically just sent me a text saying "why are you ignoring my calls? i thought we were being civil."

i am using NC to heal from 4 years and to be better off. i don't want to know anything about him or his new life as a party animal with women everywhere.

September 5, 2012

I'm such a coward, I can't bare myself to read that link.

Like a religion junkie who switches the channel every time bill maher comes on :/

September 5, 2012

i disagree honestly. it made think but ugh! it's probably coming from a woman who had NC implented on her and because of it she got pissed off and wrote an article

September 5, 2012

NC is only negative if you're using it as a tool to get your ex back. That's NOT what NC is for. A lot of people think that NC is some sort of game. Kind of like cat and mouse. The dumpee will think if they "spite" the ex and "punish" him/her for ending the relationship that the dumper will come back.

In this case, it's only an example of "we want what we can't have." In that case NC didn't really help the dumpee. They played a game, the dumper felt they wanted the dumpee back just because it was ripped from them... then the couple gets back together and problems start right up again.

If you're using NC to heal... (as you say) then no. You're doing nothing wrong. You owe your ex nothing. You have no obligation to be "civil" and in this case you ARE being civil. You're not fighting, or starting drama. You're just refusing not to have contact. Nothing wrong with that. You need to do what YOU need to do in order to heal.

I think you should probably just give him the heads up though, since it appears you two were in communication. Just be like, "I don't think it's best we talk. I need to get over you. Thank you for respecting my wishes."

September 5, 2012

i actually did tell him that a few days before my birthday. he then again to please be friends. i ignored. he sent me a happy birthday text. i responded with thanks. then i got drunk that night and drunk dialed him big mistake!

i called him the next day to apologize and it made me cry...he then said "i'll ttyl" and we haven't spoken since. i would think he would take a hint though.

September 5, 2012

Please... do not encourage articles like the one you've mentioned... for almost everyone who has gone through **** in their lives cause of a breakup will tell you that NO CONTACT is the best and perhaps the only way of moving on... I can, from my experience definitely say NC helped me a great deal along with my confiding in god and trying to stay strong...

September 5, 2012

edit:

i actually did tell him that a few days before my birthday. he then again asked to "please be friends". i ignored. he sent me a happy birthday text 2 days later. i responded with thanks. then i got drunk that night and drunk dialed him big mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i called him the next day to apologize and when we spoke, it made me cry...we catched up a bit and i found out things i didn't want to find out... he then said "i'll ttyl" and we haven't spoken since. i would think he would take a hint though.

September 5, 2012

i agree with you. no encouraging intended. just opinions needed.

September 5, 2012

i agree with you. no encouraging intended. just opinions needed.

then stick to NC... whatever it takes...and you will be stronger again... good luck!

September 6, 2012

Completely agree with Katzee; you should never do NC except to make yourself better.

I've read that article, even before coming here. I've also bought the Ex Recovery system AND the the Magic of Making Up. Guess what? Before you even start those programs, they all have one thing in common: make sure that you want your ex back because you had a healthy relationship. So far, I have read hundreds of these threads. I have yet to see a healthy relationship breakup.

Most are abusive/ co-dependent on some level. I know mine was. This means that you see snippets people post like:

"We were the perfect couple."

"He/she was my dream girl/guy."

"It was my first relationship and I fell hard."

"I feel like I'd do anything for them."

"He/she cheated on me but I still want them back."

"I feel like it was all my fault and they did nothing wrong."

"We broke up because he/she wanted me to (text her back right away/call me after work every single solitary night/never go out with my friends/neglect my family/always and only spend time with him/her)"

Some have cheaters, whether its the OP or their partner. (Sorry GIGS or otherwise, when someone in a relationship can't be mature enough to break it off first and cheats, then it's not healthy)

Still others have that whole "falling out of love" thing. Ugh, I think I hate this one the most. Seriously, I get it. You're bored. Then again you can be Tiger Woods and be bored. The guy had a gorgeous wife, money up the wazoo, cute kids, a relatively good career and he throws it all away for some ugly trashy women. The weird thing is, you're only bored because your partner is faithful and isn't going anywhere. You have security and you trust them. You get complacent and you internalize it. That's not healthy. Healthy people go to couples counseling and do date night and road trips to keep the romance alive. If you truly love someone, they could be a quadriplegic and you'd still stick by them (and yes, this did happen to one of my friends. Yes, they are still happily married).

Don't take what someone says at face value just because she claims to be a "love doctor". And why only in Toronto? Why is she not the best in all of Canada? Was she personally recommended by a friend? There's no "Angie's List" for love doctors and I shudder to think how much she'd charge for the personal coaching. Remember, NC is to help you become a newer, better, less clingy, more independent, more beautiful YOU. It has nothing to do with your ex. That person's feelings for you in no way means that you are not a good or worthy person. How many times have you seen or known a good guy and thought "Wow, why is his gf a total beep?" Like attracts like. If you make yourself better, than someone better (or at least someone who respects you more) will come along. From what I've read on the Second Chances posts, roughly around this time, so will your ex. Make up your mind then.

Good luck.

September 6, 2012

The article does make some valid points, but it also makes plenty of incorrect assumptions. Many people do use NC as a strategic tool and that won't work because the person still has strong hopes and expectations. They are not ready to really move on. That's not a problem of NC per se, but of the people using it that way. I think NC only works if someone's really ready for it, and that may not be right after the breakup.

NC is also not a shortcut in the sense that it's easy and smooth. But it's faster than sticking around someone who has made it clear (either by words or actions) that they are done with you. It's very tempting to project one's feelings on the other person and believe that they hurt as much as you do. They usually don't. So what NC does for you is to protect you from the daily or hourly hope/disappointment cylce that tears you apart. You'll just be extremely clingy, angry, devastated, beat yourself up for being extremely clingy, angry, devastated, and then you'll feel and act in even more erratic ways. You are under never-ending, extreme stress.

You'll have constant flashes of intense pain, you won't function because all you do is think about the person, re-live the past over and over, fix perceived issues in the past in your head, then attempt to feebly apply your "new insights" when in contact with the person, who then thinks you're just pretending, so your best efforts go nowhere -- and it's not getting better because you are constantly exposed to the ex that you want more than anything but who doesn't want you and either is annoyed by you or feels sorry for you. You may eventually get desensitized, but that can take a long time, be anything but pleasant, and it may well result in NC anyway.

I've mentioned this a few times here: The parallels between alcohol withdrawal and relationship withdrawal are fascinating. It's the same "fix"-aimed thinking, the same self-deception, the same feelings of "I can't live without X!", the same physical sensations even, the same relief when you do get your fix (ex talks to you, is nice, gives you a bit affection or attention) that then turns into blinding pain as soon as it wears off, the same tricks of the mind (all the rationalizations), the same obsessive behaviors. People say they "love", but what they really do is engage in addictive clinging. Love feels natural and effortless, not like getting torn apart alive.

So, how do you get through alcohol withdrawal? You don't drink. Just like that. And there is no way around that, either. Attempts to lower the dose, drink just one bottle instead of three, or a glass instead of five, none of that really works reliably because you'll just overdo it again, because once you start, your addicted brain provides you with delicious sounding (but completely unhelpful) suggestions and flawed logic. And it's the same with the withdrawal from a partner.

I'm not saying that NC is the only way. I actually believe that limited contact is better where you give yourself a set number of "contacts" you may have per period (say, one per three, five or seven days), but try your best to not use it. That way, you won't feel as pressured (which may cause you to "binge" and totally go overboard) or constantly feel like a failure when you break NC. But the mental focus must be on NO contact, not on "three more days, then I can contact her!", and if you use your limited contact it does throw you back a bit.

NC isn't pleasant, it won't get you back your ex, and it doesn't lessen the pain straight away. But your addicted "need, need, need" brain will eventually get used to their not being a fix (gets worse first before it gets better), and then you'll start healing. But it's work. It's hell. And it'll be one of the hardest things you do in your life.

It's probably even harder than going through alcohol withdrawal because your drug isn't the booze, but a person -- a person who is dating other people and who could end your suffering if they only choose to (and give up what THEY want). But when you come out of it, you'll be a stronger, healthier person. And your ex? They are still the same as before and won't have improved.

September 6, 2012

should i feel guilty for not talking to him? he keeps calling and texting and questioning why i am doing this...

September 6, 2012

Tell him you are trying to move on with your life and cannot be his friend. Ask him to quit contacting you. And no don't feel guilty!

September 6, 2012

i did that already then i was the one who broke the NC during a drunk phone call 2 days later.... after that night i called the next day to apologize and we argued and then talked... i told him i was sorry... and then after that phone call i took the initiative to just let it go.. because even being on "friendly" terms leads into arguments or finding out unnecessary information..

September 6, 2012

Completely agree with Katzee; you should never do NC except to make yourself better.

I've read that article, even before coming here. I've also bought the Ex Recovery system AND the the Magic of Making Up. Guess what? Before you even start those programs, they all have one thing in common: make sure that you want your ex back because you had a healthy relationship. So far, I have read hundreds of these threads. I have yet to see a healthy relationship breakup.

Most are abusive/ co-dependent on some level. I know mine was. This means that you see snippets people post like:
"We were the perfect couple."
"He/she was my dream girl/guy."
"It was my first relationship and I fell hard."
"I feel like I'd do anything for them."
"He/she cheated on me but I still want them back."
"I feel like it was all my fault and they did nothing wrong."
"We broke up because he/she wanted me to (text her back right away/call me after work every single solitary night/never go out with my friends/neglect my family/always and only spend time with him/her)"

Some have cheaters, whether its the OP or their partner. (Sorry GIGS or otherwise, when someone in a relationship can't be mature enough to break it off first and cheats, then it's not healthy)

Still others have that whole "falling out of love" thing. Ugh, I think I hate this one the most. Seriously, I get it. You're bored. Then again you can be Tiger Woods and be bored. The guy had a gorgeous wife, money up the wazoo, cute kids, a relatively good career and he throws it all away for some ugly trashy women. The weird thing is, you're only bored because your partner is faithful and isn't going anywhere. You have security and you trust them. You get complacent and you internalize it. That's not healthy. Healthy people go to couples counseling and do date night and road trips to keep the romance alive. If you truly love someone, they could be a quadriplegic and you'd still stick by them (and yes, this did happen to one of my friends. Yes, they are still happily married).

Don't take what someone says at face value just because she claims to be a "love doctor". And why only in Toronto? Why is she not the best in all of Canada? Was she personally recommended by a friend? There's no "Angie's List" for love doctors and I shudder to think how much she'd charge for the personal coaching. Remember, NC is to help you become a newer, better, less clingy, more independent, more beautiful YOU. It has nothing to do with your ex. That person's feelings for you in no way means that you are not a good or worthy person. How many times have you seen or known a good guy and thought "Wow, why is his gf a total beep?" Like attracts like. If you make yourself better, than someone better (or at least someone who respects you more) will come along. From what I've read on the Second Chances posts, roughly around this time, so will your ex. Make up your mind then.

Good luck.

thank you so much for your words.

September 6, 2012

The article does make some valid points, but it also makes plenty of incorrect assumptions. Many people do use NC as a strategic tool and that won't work because the person still has strong hopes and expectations. They are not ready to really move on. That's not a problem of NC per se, but of the people using it that way. I think NC only works if someone's really ready for it, and that may not be right after the breakup.

NC is also not a shortcut in the sense that it's easy and smooth. But it's faster than sticking around someone who has made it clear (either by words or actions) that they are done with you. It's very tempting to project one's feelings on the other person and believe that they hurt as much as you do. They usually don't. So what NC does for you is to protect you from the daily or hourly hope/disappointment cylce that tears you apart. You'll just be extremely clingy, angry, devastated, beat yourself up for being extremely clingy, angry, devastated, and then you'll feel and act in even more erratic ways. You are under never-ending, extreme stress.

You'll have constant flashes of intense pain, you won't function because all you do is think about the person, re-live the past over and over, fix perceived issues in the past in your head, then attempt to feebly apply your "new insights" when in contact with the person, who then thinks you're just pretending, so your best efforts go nowhere -- and it's not getting better because you are constantly exposed to the ex that you want more than anything but who doesn't want you and either is annoyed by you or feels sorry for you. You may eventually get desensitized, but that can take a long time, be anything but pleasant, and it may well result in NC anyway.

I've mentioned this a few times here: The parallels between alcohol withdrawal and relationship withdrawal are fascinating. It's the same "fix"-aimed thinking, the same self-deception, the same feelings of "I can't live without X!", the same physical sensations even, the same relief when you do get your fix (ex talks to you, is nice, gives you a bit affection or attention) that then turns into blinding pain as soon as it wears off, the same tricks of the mind (all the rationalizations), the same obsessive behaviors. People say they "love", but what they really do is engage in addictive clinging. Love feels natural and effortless, not like getting torn apart alive.

So, how do you get through alcohol withdrawal? You don't drink. Just like that. And there is no way around that, either. Attempts to lower the dose, drink just one bottle instead of three, or a glass instead of five, none of that really works reliably because you'll just overdo it again, because once you start, your addicted brain provides you with delicious sounding (but completely unhelpful) suggestions and flawed logic. And it's the same with the withdrawal from a partner.

I'm not saying that NC is the only way. I actually believe that limited contact is better where you give yourself a set number of "contacts" you may have per period (say, one per three, five or seven days), but try your best to not use it. That way, you won't feel as pressured (which may cause you to "binge" and totally go overboard) or constantly feel like a failure when you break NC. But the mental focus must be on NO contact, not on "three more days, then I can contact her!", and if you use your limited contact it does throw you back a bit.

NC isn't pleasant, it won't get you back your ex, and it doesn't lessen the pain straight away. But your addicted "need, need, need" brain will eventually get used to their not being a fix (gets worse first before it gets better), and then you'll start healing. But it's work. It's hell. And it'll be one of the hardest things you do in your life.

It's probably even harder than going through alcohol withdrawal because your drug isn't the booze, but a person -- a person who is dating other people and who could end your suffering if they only choose to (and give up what THEY want). But when you come out of it, you'll be a stronger, healthier person. And your ex? They are still the same as before and won't have improved.

thank you so much. i appreciate this.

September 6, 2012

should i feel guilty for not talking to him? he keeps calling and texting and questioning why i am doing this...

I'm not going through the exact situation. But my ex did stop talking to me cold turkey...and it was so annoying and bad for me. All i wanted was for her to tell me atleast over the phone a reason or atleast inform she was done. Would have been so much easier and better for me.

September 6, 2012

I'm not going through the exact situation. But my ex did stop talking to me cold turkey...and it was so annoying and bad for me. All i wanted was for her to tell me atleast over the phone a reason or atleast inform she was done. Would have been so much easier and better for me.

that makes me feel really sad

September 6, 2012

my biggest problem here is that i am not ready to talk to him. i don't want to be his friend. i don't want to know anything about him.. his new life... i haven't even LOOKED or GLANCED at his facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. because i don't want to know! the last time i looked, all i saw was pictures of alcohol, clubs, and his party friends (mostly women).

September 6, 2012

my biggest problem here is that i am not ready to talk to him. i don't want to be his friend. i don't want to know anything about him.. his new life... i haven't even LOOKED or GLANCED at his facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. because i don't want to know! the last time i looked, all i saw was pictures of alcohol, clubs, and his party friends (mostly women).

Stick to that.

I was just on the phone with my ex when she got a text from the guy she cheated on me with. Getting back to him was more important than properly finishing our phone call where we talked about how we could handle contact in the future.

That both hurt and irritated me, but that pretty much decided it. Being a "nice guy" really is foolish.

September 6, 2012

if you're already into NC for this long, then just maintain it now. What's done is done. I did the same thing to my ex (texting her and calling her) which I've read on here was a bad thing to do (she eventually came back, whole 'nother story)...but he'll eventually stop. I did. I still thought about her and each friday I was like...dang...another week has gone by after the best relationship I've been in.

September 6, 2012

Stick to that.

I was just on the phone with my ex when she got a text from the guy she cheated on me with. Getting back to him was more important than properly finishing our phone call where we talked about how we could handle contact in the future.

That both hurt and irritated me, but that pretty much decided it. Being a "nice guy" really is foolish.

that is horrible........ really goes to show you what kind of person she is

September 6, 2012

if you're already into NC for this long, then just maintain it now. What's done is done. I did the same thing to my ex (texting her and calling her) which I've read on here was a bad thing to do (she eventually came back, whole 'nother story)...but he'll eventually stop. I did. I still thought about her and each friday I was like...dang...another week has gone by after the best relationship I've been in.

that's really sad.... so you understand where i am coming from with the texting and calling it's pointless and you are only hurting yourself... i'm sure he will eventually stop but it's just my thoughts keep wondering if the same is happening to him... but at the end of the day, he's fine.. he's not crying and hating his life.. he's moving on.....

September 6, 2012

i have good days and bad days.. i've been good lately but a few days ago i broke down. it's not easy.

September 6, 2012

i have good days and bad days.. i've been good lately but a few days ago i broke down. it's not easy.

Yup, we all do. Before she broke no contact (in a big way, she found me at our college) i'd have days where I didn't think about her at all. I'd go to sleep that night and be like...dang I forgot about her. Then I'd fall alseep easily. But I could wake up and have days where she was all I think about. The good times were sooo good that it sorta felt great thinking about it. Then, inevitably, I would think about what she did (back with ex, cut me off cold turkey) and my day turns sour. Sucks.

Since she broke no contact, things may work out with us...but now I constantly think about her again. but she's doing all the work.

Took me about 2 months to finally stop thinking about her all the time. Our relationship was relatively short though.

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