s0megirl Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I've been involved off and on with this guy for over a decade - since before him and his wife started dating, let alone got married. I moved away for 5 years, we didn't talk during that entire time, but things have been much more frequent since then. Still, we've always been cautious; his wife and kids (and in-laws, and his parents and siblings) all know me, and have for a seriously long time, so him being around me isn't weird to anyone, and no one really questions it. There was a 3-week period where I was even living with them while waiting for my house to open up because of damage from the previous tenants. In the last week or so, he's started acting recklessly. Like, seriously recklessly. He normally is really cautious about the time since his wife works until late, making sure I'm either gone or we're just hanging out watching tv by the time she gets home - but last week I blew him about 4 minutes before she walked in the door, and this last weekend he was cuddling on the couch with me in front of his kids. He had me over the night before, until 3am, with his wife home and in bed (and aware I was there, I was when she got home) while he got me off repeatedly in his living room, which is connected to their bedroom. Let's not even start with the *** stains on his bed - how she hasn't noticed glaringly obvious wet spots on the bed, as well, I don't know, because they both acknowledge they don't have sex, but she's adamant that he not cheat, regardless of their lack of a sex life. So what do you think... is he trying to get caught? 1
BetrayedH Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 More likely, he's enjoying the thrill of almost getting caught. Are YOU trying to get caught? You're kinda sorta there, too. I really have to stop reading this forum. 1
Author s0megirl Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Am I trying to? Not particularly. But if he's not trying to, I'll gladly help in that department. If he is (or it seems like he is, since this is a sudden behaviour change), then I'd like to be prepared. 1
freestyle Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 What is your goal, OP? Are you hoping to "win" him away from his W? Do you want/expect him to leave her, to be with you? 1
Author s0megirl Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 I don't have a goal in this... I wasn't aware I was supposed to have a goal for enjoying being with someone. Do I want to win him away, or expect him to leave? Not at all, but if he chooses to I'd support that decision, too. Their relationship is their issue. And no, her and I know each other, are civil to each other, but we don't talk, we don't hang out, we don't do any of those things that friends would do. I'm not denying I like a bit of excitement. I'm saying this is pretty sudden and out of character for him, and looking for some opinions on his behaviour, not mine. Want to discuss mine, I'm cool with that - but message me or something, because that's not my goal here.
Spark1111 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I don't have a goal in this... I wasn't aware I was supposed to have a goal for enjoying being with someone. Do I want to win him away, or expect him to leave? Not at all, but if he chooses to I'd support that decision, too. Their relationship is their issue. And no, her and I know each other, are civil to each other, but we don't talk, we don't hang out, we don't do any of those things that friends would do. I'm not denying I like a bit of excitement. I'm saying this is pretty sudden and out of character for him, and looking for some opinions on his behaviour, not mine. Want to discuss mine, I'm cool with that - but message me or something, because that's not my goal here. I think he is enjoying being the bad boy, doing it right under mommy's knows makes it even more elicit and forbidden. That usually starts in adolescence with a very controlling and strict parent. However, should he be caught, his life will self-destruct as he knows it, and if she decides to shout it to the world, I predict you will be history in about three weeks. Because of course she will shout your name out to others too and the gall and disgust on their faces over the fact that you did it in her home with her children nearby will speak glowingly of your character to. What are you doing? And why are you doing it with this man in his family's home? Do you have a relationship outside of the family couch with his wife about to walk through the door?
Trimmer Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) OK, opinions on his behavior, and not yours. OK, he's a douchebag to have kept his relationship with you from his wife. And whether or not you figure out why he is taking more extreme risks, you have to acknowledge the fact that he is taking more extreme risks. Also it doesn't matter if he's trying to get caught. The risks he is taking make it more likely that you will get caught - unlike his motivations, that fact is unambiguous. And I just have to point out, his recent change in behavior is also exposing his kids to becoming "collateral damage." Now that they have seen you guys doing inappropriate things, how will that affect them when: (*) this blows up and their mom is mad at everyone involved? Either they keep what they saw a secret and (wrongly) carry the guilt that it's partly their fault, or they tell her what they saw and almost certainly get inappropriately drawn into whatever hostile dynamic plays out between the husband and wife; (*) they try to work out what part of the hostility between their parents - and possibly the ultimate divorce - was their fault; (*) you don't get caught, and the kids start to understand that what they are seeing is wrong, but they're not sure what to do with that - again, guilt, secrets, loyalties - (another) cancer in the family dynamic; (*) you don't get caught, and the kids simply come to see this disrespectful and unfaithful behavior as normal between spouses, and they carry that into their adult relationships. That's why I call him a douchebag - aside from his infidelity - for not at least trying to protect his kids from the consequences of his destructive behavior. Not only has he abdicated his role as husband, now he's ignorning his role as father, to get his willy whacked. There - as requested, all opinions about him. Not a single question about how you feel, being involved in all the described dynamics. Edited September 5, 2012 by Trimmer 1
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Am I trying to? Not particularly. But if he's not trying to, I'll gladly help in that department. If he is (or it seems like he is, since this is a sudden behaviour change), then I'd like to be prepared. All I can say is, be prepared for a HUGE dramatic fallout and fight when his wife busts the two of you going at it in their house or in their bed. 1
veryhappy Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 He might be trying to get caught on some level, but he's definitely doing it for the thrill. It heightens the experience. How long do you expect the wife to stay dumb and not connect the dots? You're up hanging out at 3am...really? What's wrong with you cuddling in front of the kids? Forgot it was about him...what's wrong with him that makes him cuddle you in front of the kids?
2sure Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It sound like not one of the three of you care about what happens. Which is fine, since you're all in agreement.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 His kids must be very young for him to cuddle you in front of them. If they are teens or even at age 8, they would know it's wrong that daddy is cuddling on the couch with someone other than their mom and yes, they could easily let their mom know what dad has been up to. Can I ask what you are getting out of this? Is he worth it?
skylarblue Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 I would've probably been a little skeptical if I hadn't been in a similar situation with xMM. He went from being very cautious about getting caught to taking surprising risks like overnight. A few examples: He's snuck me into his bedroom while his kids were home. He'd leave from work and we'd met at his house when she'd leave to pick the kids up from school. We would regularly hook-up at his house in his car, literally parked right outside from their bedroom window while his W and kids slept. Funny, but after dday (which happened because of the car thing) he got worse. IMO (and if I was to guess in your situation too) it wasn't about wanting to be caught (xMM didn't want to at all), but more about the feelings of getting away with something. In my case, xMM would often smile at me and become very "hands on" during calls from her about his whereabouts and/or laugh at her stupidity/trust/ignorance towards the A. He once asked me if I liked the risk of his W catching us, which kinda confirmed that he also found it exciting. It may be thrills, it may be ego, it may be a mixture of both. The only reason I can see someone trying to be caught in that manner is they want to end the A or they want to end the M. If either is the case, there are easier, more efficient alternatives to do so. What I don't understand is why she is letting her H keep company with you in her home without her present, friend of his or not.
John Who Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 (edited) I don't think he's trying to get caught,I believe he could be getting bored with you so he's wanting to add excitment and he is getting it by the thought of being caught the rush of having to hurry before W comes in.I guess you can say while you are being used in all these sexual ways he is thinking of his W catching him or what she would say or do. You on the other hand may want him to get caught. Edited September 8, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
canuckprincess Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I've been involved off and on with this guy for over a decade - since before him and his wife started dating, let alone got married. I moved away for 5 years, we didn't talk during that entire time, but things have been much more frequent since then. Still, we've always been cautious; his wife and kids (and in-laws, and his parents and siblings) all know me, and have for a seriously long time, so him being around me isn't weird to anyone, and no one really questions it. There was a 3-week period where I was even living with them while waiting for my house to open up because of damage from the previous tenants. In the last week or so, he's started acting recklessly. Like, seriously recklessly. He normally is really cautious about the time since his wife works until late, making sure I'm either gone or we're just hanging out watching tv by the time she gets home - but last week I blew him about 4 minutes before she walked in the door, and this last weekend he was cuddling on the couch with me in front of his kids. He had me over the night before, until 3am, with his wife home and in bed (and aware I was there, I was when she got home) while he got me off repeatedly in his living room, which is connected to their bedroom. Let's not even start with the *** stains on his bed - how she hasn't noticed glaringly obvious wet spots on the bed, as well, I don't know, because they both acknowledge they don't have sex, but she's adamant that he not cheat, regardless of their lack of a sex life. So what do you think... is he trying to get caught? I'm curious, do you think his wife already knows about you two. Some woman will look the other way and ignore whats going on right under their noses. Don't be suprised if she already knows, maybe they have a open marriage and he just hasn't told you yet. I'm not judgeing you for being with a married man cause I'm in the same boat, however you should both be more respectful in reguards to what goes on in front of his kids. I hope things work out well for you, just be careful.
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