Overthinking?

[annabel12]

Hi everyone

 

I have been dating a lovely guy for just over 2 months.

Things have been good, we usually see each other 2 times a week.

We text daily (usually morning and night, very brief messages)

 

I am very new to dating as I was in a long term 5 year relationship previously (ended 8 months ago) so I may be overthinking and worrying for nothing which is why I am here...

 

Last week, we only saw each other once due to his work schedule and plans he had. I noticed that the texting started getting less and even going a day without anything. The texting is usually initiated 50/50 but I was starting to notice I was initiating more, so I pulled back.

 

We had a date Monday and somehow we ended up discussing about last week and I mentioned as lightly as I could I had noticed the communication was less. He looked upset he had made me doubt him and reassured me with the kind words he thinks of me all the time etc... and that he will make more effort.

 

Well, I know its only been one day - but I am starting to feel the same as last week. We have no plans for another date. He just picked up a side job on his nights off so seeing each other is becoming harder. (It is also in a bar...)

He didn't text last night again. It seems so silly and trivial and maybe I am overthinking?

 

 

He says the nicest things, when we are together it is perfect and I feel safe. But when we are not, I start getting doubts. And I don't like it

 

 

I am a believer in actions speak louder than words, and I feel like sometimes I hear his great words etc but not seeing much effort outside of seeing me? Am I expecting too much?

 

 

 

He has introduced to me to his friends, things seem great. Even as I am typing all this, it is making me think I am being paranoid.

Sometimes writing it down can help see sense!

[annabel12]

Well I initiate more (not so much the past few days since I felt I was making all the effort)

 

I opened up and told him how I felt, with last week being a bit distant between us. And so far I dont think he is making effort to show any action or make me feel better about it. he works irregular hours, and now picked up a shift working in a bar so its even more difficult to spend quality time together.

 

I don't want to come on strong.

 

What are you suggesting? I just dont feel very safe, I am starting to think I care more...

[blueskyday]

I've been where you are. Worrying, not sure. Feeling safe is #1 with women. We need that in order to open up, emotionally and sexually. We want to know we are wanted and secure in a guy's attention.

 

When something threatens that, we can feel insecure. We can ask for reassurance, etc...which is fine once or twice. Beyond that, however, it can feel like the guy has all the power if we keep asking him. I've been an over-analyzer before and have acted a bit demanding when making a bunch of requests of a new guy so I could feel better.

 

It seems to put some guys off, so I've changed it up a bit and have had better success.

 

What I did was take the initiative and phrase things in a positive way. For instance, tell him you how much you love his texts (explain why, as in, they make you feel close to him, or they give you those little butterflies.) Reach out to him and ask him what you can do to help with his stress holding down two jobs.

 

Call him up and tell him you want to see him, or that you want to hear his voice. Ask him what night you two can get together. Basically, assume the best. Don't let the insecurity be more than a passing moment.

 

However, if the contact and dates continue to diminish, you will need to call him on it and have the conversation. This conversation should include what you have observed, what you think about it, how you feel, and what you want. Then ask him to help you solve it...treat him like a boyfriend...be a team...

 

But keep in mind you have needs in a relationship, as he does. You need to balance those...If you aren't seeing him enough to feel close, and he won't solve it, then you have every right to walk away. No harm. No foul.

[annabel12]

I do feel he has all the power at the moment.

I told him how I was unsure of what was happening as I felt him become distant...he said he would change that, he didnt like I felt that way. Yet nothing has changed (although it is soon to tell)

 

His second job is in a bar dealing cards for a few hours.. he goes there pretty much every night after work. I am starting to not feel as important...

 

I don't know. My head is all over with it and I don't like it.

Calling him like you suggested seems nice and I think he would appreciate, but I will end up feeling like I am putting even more effort in.. Like he will feel great after because he sees effort from me and I will be left wondering when he will get in touch next...

[annabel12]

UPDATE:

So we are on month 3.

And to be honest, there is no real change. Surely as time goes on the dating should be progressing. We don't really spend any good time togther (usually around 11pm after he finishes work - but I am up for 9am so it is awkward)

On the days off he has - (I can pick my days off for the week so I usually co ordinate with his days off) he then goes to the bar to deal cards.

 

We can go days not 'texting' (never calls)

 

Dates are usually a few hours long, sometimes a bit longer

 

When we went to the beach to stay over - he slept til 1pm the next day and we had to leave after that so never got the chance to do anything.

 

When we see each other he is very sweet and says all the right things etc.. but am I expecting too much? Surely at this stage we should be seeing more/making more time? Its basically me arranging my schedule around him (which is fine but the whole second 'job' playing cards for beer - Is eating into any decent time we could have)

[DC4]

I am probably a horrible person to be giving advice on this but I cannot stop myself so here goes: it doesn't sound like this guy is giving you what you want out of a relationship/dating scenario. If you still feel on shaky ground after 3 months maybe it's time to cut ties.

 

I just broke up with someone last night over something very similar. If I don't feel like I'm getting what I want, I see no reason to invest anymore time or emotional energy into the situation. Tell him exactly what you want from the situation. If he still isn't stepping up after that, time to bid adieu.

[annabel12]

I appreciate the advice.

I have brought it up in the past about the lack of communication etc and not seeing each other as much (as nicely and breezy as I could!) and nothing changed.

I am reluctant to say anything else as I will look clingy etc. I think it might just be time to walk away.

[DC4]

I know it's hard, trust me. I'm really sad about losing this guy but the bottom line was things would never change. The longer I let it go on, the more I would get hurt. I'm sitting here wondering if I made a mistake, could I have let these things go? Our dates were so awesome.

 

NO, I absolutely could not and keep my dignity. My self respect is much more important than one or two great dates a week.

 

I'm not trying to talk you into anything, I'm just telling my story to see if any of it resonates with you. I'm also sorta venting since this just happened 14 hours ago :/

[annabel12]

Tell me more of your story...

 

For me, at 3 months I would expect to feel more towards him too. Since we really don't spend much quality time I think I can walk away and not be bothered too much. I think I have tried hard enough and am at the point where it doesn't seem worth it - I am doing all the work. I want to feel like a priority and I am not getting that

[DC4]

Tell me more of your story...

 

Well, my issue was a bit more serious. This person made me feel like a goddess, like I was the only person on earth when we were together. When we weren't together, there were calls and stuff but like your guy he is insanely busy. I found the less I reached out, the less correspondence I got back. Things were only on his terms. We'd never have a date when I asked, it was always when he could do it.

 

The final straw was he refused to commit to not going on the occasional date. I had to NOPE out right there. Before I realized that, I was still in the same place you are. I just had that one last gem to push me over the edge.

 

It just sucked because our time together was really awesome and I'll miss it.

[annabel12]

How long were you together?

I agree with you on the less you reached out the less they did. I never expected him to initiate/make the dates and it was always 50/50 but sometimes it felt 60/40 - me making more effort.

 

Why was he so busy? work?

[DC4]

Not very long at all, just over a month. This has never happened to me before and I'm over 40. From the first date it was like we were on a honeymoon. Everything felt great and we clicked there wasn't ever an awkward "get to know you" moment. I should have known early on that something that starts off with such an explosion cannot be sustained.

 

He had enormous family obligations so nothing that could be worked around. I'd only get pissed when I wouldn't get a phone call or text but I could see he had recently logged on to a forum on which we both belonged. Never called him out on it, though. I mean realistically his life couldn't be kids then work then DC4 then bed.

[annabel12]

So what was your biggest reason for ending it?

Do you regret it?