PrettyDecent Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) Hi, I need help because I don't trust my own judgment in this case. I've been seeing a woman for about six months, though only within the past month has she reciprocated my romantic feelings and slept with me. We are both divorced, me just over a year and she about 4 years. Moving to more of a romance has been great, but along the way she's periodically mentioned this male friend of hers who apparently has repeatedly and persistently propositioned her for sex. She tells me there is no chance she would ever sleep with him and that she finds him harmless but flattering and a nice perceptive guy. She told me that he told her he's slept with perhaps 400 women, and that (paraphrasing) he says he's well-endowed and that she should sleep with him now because when she remarries she will lose the chance. For her this is all a big joke, but it has started to grate on me because she still sees him every month or two, and most recently was going to see him for dinner. Last night I started to get angry with her about this and freaked her out. Then she offered to cancel the dinner and I said that was patronizing because she is clearly going to remain friends with him and could go out with him other times, and if there is nothing to fear then why the need to cancel on him? I told her I don't understand how this friendship works, and that even if she thinks there's no chance she'll sleep with this guy, if it's true that he continues to go after her this way, to me as a man it seems there is always a chance something could happen. She claims she doesn't want to become a "statistic," but I wonder why she finds this kind of attention fun. The other day she told me he once got her these massage balls for her back, and she lay on her back on her floor to use them, and that she did find it soothing, but then he asked, "Do you want me to finger f*ck you while you do that? It's awesome." She says she said, "Um no." But why does she tell me these things? And how am I supposed to respond? Sorry to be a bit long-winded, but I just want to hear feedback about whether I'm being crazy and irrational (as she thinks) or whether I have reason to be concerned. Ironically, she is also involved in a LDR with a guy in California but I don't feel the same jealousy about him because he's trying to do what I am -- be with her in a long-term committed relationship. I welcome any advice or criticism. I do want to treat my jealousy if it is the main problem, especially because this morning I hated the feeling of distance between us as a result of this argument, but I also fear being a fool. Thanks. Edited September 5, 2012 by PrettyDecent
Scott68 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Are you kidding? Can I finger fu*K you while you do it? Either you are blind in love or a sap. If it was me either their relationship ends our ours does...... No discussions no ifs ands or buts. 2
Author PrettyDecent Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Are you kidding? Can I finger fu*K you while you do it? Either you are blind in love or a sap. If it was me either their relationship ends our ours does...... No discussions no ifs ands or buts. No, not kidding. I am blinded by love, I realize. But it's more confusing because I can't articulate to her what I think is wrong with this without her saying I am being crazy and irrational and have nothing to worry about regarding this guy. So I am stuck between feeling like I do have a valid concern on the one hand and thinking I am just being irrationally jealous on the other. I just don't know whether my reaction is correct or just unhealthy (jealousy).
Titanwolf Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 The man is clearly trying to have sex with her. What's more is that he's being relentless about it. It will only take a moment for her to be "off guard" for her to fall into the "moment" with this guy. He is potentially an option for her and if she's ever angry at you, she will probably use this man as ammunition, to cause you the maximum amount of damage she can to you, sad truth. I don't like that nonsense about "we're just friends" or "I don't think of him that way", because for sexual people, given the right circumstances, they will contradict their words without much thought.
Ugh1 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 If this is a committed, long-term, possibly marriage potential relationship, then she should definitely end that friendship. It is disrespectful for her to #1 allow him to talk to her like that #2 tell you what he says #3 expect you to be alright with it If she loves you, then this "flattering" talk should stop. She is allowing it because she is keeping him as her backup. Sit her down and tell her that you are fine with the friendship, but if she wants a LTR that is committed, then she needs to give him groundrules for how he can speak to her. And the dinners have to stop, unless it is in a group setting and you are there too. If you are just dating this girl and there isn't "I love You"'s involved, then you just have to deal with it or end it. Your choice. 1
prettylittlethings Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Does she know you want to be in a committed relationship with her? At the moment she doesn't "owe" you anything but maybe you should make it known how you feel about her and that you don't want her talking to this guy because you'd like to be exclusive. Maybe she's saying these things to you to make it known that others want her, maybe she wants you to be more forward?
Author PrettyDecent Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) Thanks so much for the replies. Here are my thoughts. @Titanwolf: Yes I agree with your view. I just want to check this against other people to see whether this is really an issue or just my jealousy. The consensus (small I know) suggests it's not just in my head. Which sadly means I probably have a tough choice to make here. @Ugh1: I like your methodical summary. I guess from what she tells me, he is if anything a sexual backup because she claims she would never have a relationship with him. And as for dinners, I will be speaking with her about those, although tonight I am going to join them after I have dinner with my child (from my marriage). There has been an "I love you" from my side, I pursued her for 3-4 months and she seems finally to be returning my affections, so of course I would hate to make a rash decision. It would be so sad for me to have to decide to end things with her over something that seems so stupid and unnecessary. But she's almost defending this friendship with this guy against me and says I am being crazy about it. But she also hasn't ruled out the man in California, whom she spent 3 days with back in July. So if there is any exclusiveness it is all on my side. @prettylittlethings: Yes, I have made it quite clear to her that I want a committed, exclusive relationship. In the interest of honesty, I should say that we met on a dating site, and at first I wasn't sure about this because she said she wants to marry and have a child. Well, I didn't go into dating to consider marrying and having children, but I grew to like this woman a lot even as she was dating other men. So I told her I had changed my mind somewhat and would consider marrying and having children with her. I told her I'd stopped looking at other dating profiles and even that I'd turned down other dates for her. I did tell her earlier on that I hoped we'd be exclusive but we haven't had that conversation again yet. We have gone off the site and seem almost exclusive. But I haven't sat her down and told her, look, at this point I want to be exclusive with you and want to know if you will end things with the guy in California and stop this other guy from talking to you and relentlessly trying to get you to have sex with him. The California guy might be a somewhat decent discussion, but clearly with the other guy, she thinks there's nothing wrong while I do, and she even asked me to promise to be nice and friendly to him. I did promise this because I like to think I have some class, but we will see after tonight. I have a bad feeling about this even though I don't want to be pessimistic. But it could just be she has a different understanding of what sexual and flirting boundaries are, and as petty as it seems to me in some ways, I can't see myself persisting in letting this guy carry on with her that way without feeling like a totally humiliated fool. Thanks for any other advice you might have. PS She also just emailed me a while ago to say that her "friend" is broke so they will probably be having dinner at her apartment. So that is where I will join them. Seems to be growing more awkward by the hour. Edited September 5, 2012 by PrettyDecent Add PS
Author PrettyDecent Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 So yesterday I got a text from her that said her friend canceled on her. She said he did so suspiciously because he canceled within a couple of hours of learning that I was joining them. She says he called her and said he wanted her to hear his voice and that it had nothing to do with the fact that I was joining them (he said that twice so to me that means of course that's why he canceled). Then she texted me and said, "Maybe you're right..." Thanks to everyone hear for the feedback. I do feel vindicated, not that I still don't have some tough decisions ahead of me, but I feel good knowing that my intuition was correct. And that she acknowledged that I was not being as crazy as she claimed.
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