NewStart2011 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) My husband and I divorced about 1 year ago; we had been unhappily married for many years, and I had stayed because I thought it was best for our child (he’s now 14). Since the divorce, I have been happier than I had been for many years and feel like I’ve got a whole new life and I wished the same for him. However, my ex-husband is angry and bitter and refuses to let go of the idea that we might somehow get back together. I’ve never given him any indication that this could be possible. He also seeks to blame other people for the divorce. I’m currently dating someone and my ex-husband’s latest “fit throwing” episode involves accusing me of seeing this man while we were married (this was certainly not the case and he has no basis whatsoever for these accusations). My theory is that he would rather believe that I left him for someone else than to admit that it didn’t work because of things he did wrong. I’ve seen this happen with him many times over the years; someone else became the “target of his anger” just because he wanted to take things out on someone who didn’t have anything to do with whatever he was upset about. This person was usually me; that’s one of the many reasons I was so unhappy. I know that it’s never one person to blame in a divorce and I’ve admitted that I made many mistakes also. I just want to get on with my life now and truly wish he could do the same. Not only is he not doing this, he’s trying to prevent me from moving on with mine. He constantly finds reasons to call or text me, sometimes in the middle of the night and gets really angry when I don’t respond. He checks to see what I’m doing by driving by my apartment to see whose car is there or coming by my place of employment to see if I’m there. He somehow knows when I'm out on a date and calls and texts me during the date. I have to communicate with him when it concerns our child; because of this, I’m unable to break off all communications with him. He’s a very controlling person and tries to play mind games. I don’t have a clue how to handle this, but I feel bullied Edited September 5, 2012 by NewStart2011
GuyInLimbo Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to change another person. To me, this sounds like pure harassment from a mentally unstable man. I would talk to an attorney about getting some sort of restraining order. Unfortunately, there is a kid in the mix. But under no circumstances should your ex be harassing you like this. Call your lawyer today. 1
SBC Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) My exhusband harrassed me for years after we split. It was terrible, but it was way better than if I had stayed with him. There were times I felt so abused by him. And I tried to disengage, but he too used our daughter as a tool to keep the contect (any contact) alive. And then there would be the times where he would disappear for a few months. But just when we started to relax, he would pop back into our lives accusing me of hiding his daughter from him. It was wack doodle! He was wack doodle. Then one day he was found dead on his bedroom floor. His cause of death? Acute alcohol poisoning. Our wedding pictures were still hanging on the walls of his house, just like they had been five years before when I left. For some, there is nothing you can do to convince them to move on. As I did,you should start documenting his actions. Keep a record, times, dates and occurrences. Also, if it gets extreme, call the police. They wont do much, but it is a record. You never know, he might just find someone else, and divert his attention to her, but he might intensify his focus on you. One can never know what another will do. Take care of yourself and of your child. Edited September 5, 2012 by SBC
health Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It sounds like both these men had issues healing their pain and letting go of their passion for you. SBC - how did you feel when he died, are you currently in a relationship? 1
Meatballsmom Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Newstart I wish I had some advice to give you, other than prepare for the worse, and you haven't seen nothing yet. They just won't take no for an answer. I was in your shoes, for the last 20 years of his life. And like SBC it only ended when he died. We had two kids, when we separated the daughter had just become a teen, so we constantly had contact when he picked up and returned the kids. What is your relationship like with your son? The reason I ask is because, he got to my daughter and the two of them plotted and schemed to get us to reunite. About two years after the separation I got involved with a new man, who was much bigger, than the Ex, and one time it came down to a physical alteration with the Ex losing. That slowed the Ex down but didn't stop him. Now for the worse. After my daughter turned 21 she got pregnant with my grand daughter, so I let her move back in with me. Two years later, I came home from work to find my daughter had invited my Ex to move in with us. When I called the police to get them to remove him, I was informed that even though I was the only one listed on the lease, being as she had lived with me for over 6 months, she too was now a legal resident and as such she could have any friend she wanted to visit, as long as they did no damaged. I was forced to let him live with us for the next two weeks. If you can swing it find a reason to get a restraining order
SBC Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 It sounds like both these men had issues healing their pain and letting go of their passion for you. SBC - how did you feel when he died, are you currently in a relationship? I was relived, and terribly creeped out. But, mostly relived because this sort of this is very taxing. and I was so glad when it was finally over. My daughter was too.
stillafool Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 My ex husband wouldn't let go either. You will have to change your contact info so he can't reach you anymore. If you have kids this might be a problem depending on their age but preventing the ex from contacting you worked for me. That was the only thing that made it clear to my ex that it was over and I didn't want to be bothered. If you continue to take his calls and listen to him rant he will continue to act out. You have to take a hard stand against him in order for him to get the message.
Author NewStart2011 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Newstart I wish I had some advice to give you, other than prepare for the worse, and you haven't seen nothing yet. They just won't take no for an answer. I was in your shoes, for the last 20 years of his life. And like SBC it only ended when he died. We had two kids, when we separated the daughter had just become a teen, so we constantly had contact when he picked up and returned the kids. What is your relationship like with your son? The reason I ask is because, he got to my daughter and the two of them plotted and schemed to get us to reunite. About two years after the separation I got involved with a new man, who was much bigger, than the Ex, and one time it came down to a physical alteration with the Ex losing. That slowed the Ex down but didn't stop him. Now for the worse. After my daughter turned 21 she got pregnant with my grand daughter, so I let her move back in with me. Two years later, I came home from work to find my daughter had invited my Ex to move in with us. When I called the police to get them to remove him, I was informed that even though I was the only one listed on the lease, being as she had lived with me for over 6 months, she too was now a legal resident and as such she could have any friend she wanted to visit, as long as they did no damaged. I was forced to let him live with us for the next two weeks. If you can swing it find a reason to get a restraining order Thanks for the advice, I had never considered the angle where he might be trying to get our son on his side, although I have wondered. My son, who was always close to me and who always preferred spending time with me instead of his father, suddenly decides after the divorce that he wants to spend an equal amount of time with each of his parents. This came as a complete shock to me; he never wanted to be with his father very much in the past. At the time, I assumed it was because his father suddenly started spending time with him, something he never did in the past. I assumed my son was finally getting attention from his father that he had never had before, and he was enjoying having something he had always missed out on in the past. Lately, I've been worried that my ex is telling my son negative things about me. I don't have any idea how to deal with this. I do plan to take my son to a counselor, because he has never expressed any opinions about the divorce, either positive or negative. It could be that he is being bullied also.
standtall Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 My son, who was always close to me and who always preferred spending time with me instead of his father, suddenly decides after the divorce that he wants to spend an equal amount of time with each of his parents. This came as a complete shock to me; he never wanted to be with his father very much in the past. At the time, I assumed it was because his father suddenly started spending time with him, something he never did in the past. I assumed my son was finally getting attention from his father that he had never had before, and he was enjoying having something he had always missed out on in the past. Newstart, I would take this part at face value. From a father's perspective, perhaps your ex has realized that he has lost you, and doesn't want to lose his son as well. Also, without knowing the age of your son..I would speculate that he is a minor by the posts in this thread thus far...I would say that your son feels the same about his father..he is afraid of losing him as well, or actually might blame himself for his dad leaving the house. As far as the ex bad mouthing you in front of your son, no matter how wrong and damaging it is to your son, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop your ex from doing it. The only thing you can do is control yourself and to make sure that you do not step into the gutter with your ex and engage in the same kind of behavior..as you must know that it does not hurt your ex, it only hurts your son
Meatballsmom Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 Perhaps I should add some details. My daughter turned to drugs, got bored with school and talked my Ex into letting her drop out of school. I found out 3 weeks later, when it was too late for her to catch up. She has never worked a day in her life, her only way to survive was drugs, prostitution, and sponging off of her parents. The Ex was a former retired military man, with a large pension, of which I got $500 a month child support and alimony. He sometimes had a second job, so was living high on the hog while I and the kids were struggling. He was promising her the $500 a month, if we got back together along with a car. Luckily my new man, whom I am still with understood the situation, so the plots and schemes changed nothing. Both of us got used to her accusing one of us of cheating on the other. The man did date, but was obsessed with getting me back. After he died I found out that he left everything to me. Which wasn't very much
strongnrelaxed Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 I am in the midst of a divorce myself. I was the one who asked for the divorce and I did this for a very long list of very significant reasons. ( I try to avoid bashing her even if I am anonymous). It has been about a year since we both moved out to new homes. She seems to have moved on nicely. I am not doing as well. We have both seen other people, although we haven't told each other. My thoughts about everything are very complicated. But the easiest way to describe this is that it is a very bizarre feeling to look at a person who you recognize as the woman you love. The mother of your children. The life partner who you vowed to love and cherish "til death..." and realize that behind those eyes is a completely different person. It is like my wife died and this other entity is inside her body and making life very difficult (that is the understatement of the century). Women are more adapted to just switch gears emotionally. They are colder in this way. When men get bonded to a woman in this deep way, we do not move on as easily. Modern marriage is too far removed from our basic human nature. It no longer makes sense. We are doing our children a serious disservice by continuing to do this to each other. That being said, I have never stalked her or anything like it. In fact she was doing this to me for nearly 20 years, which is what finally broke me. I agree with others who suggest an order of protection. But be careful - I am asking this as kindly as I can. Women use this sort of thing all the time as a weapon against men. It is evil and very VERY wrong to do. Yet it happens all the time. Only use this if you are legitimate. No one here has any reason to doubt you, but I have seen worse. Good luck.
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