Love for ex is resurfacing. What's the best course of action?

September 5, 2012

So, it's 5 weeks since my ex tried to have sex with me and I refused because shes with a guy. Then we both proceeded to NC.

I still don't regret not having sex with her. I think it would have caused bigger problems. But I've been missing her this week. I stay very busy with good people and all my work but I cant help loving her still.

There are moments where i feel like acting on it, but i don't even know how I would or if it's even worth it. If there's no contact and she's trying to make her crappy rebound work what possible options do I have for getting her attention? There are none.

Plus, I feel like it would hurt my cause anyway.

I hate this stage. I really cant make sense of it still.

Any suggestions on how to deal with it?

I know I wont break contact unless I feel it is completely necessary. But what's the benefit at this point?

September 5, 2012

I wish I were as strong as you. That is very brave. You should feel empowered that you aren't giving her what she wants. Good for you!

It's hard to say no but it's even harder to actually go through that, see your ex and sleep with them. Because when you are done, nothing has changed and you just lowered your standards for them. Take it from me.

Keep strong. You are my inspiration!

September 5, 2012

Any suggestions on how to deal with it?

Yes. Stay on course. She isn't worth it. Remember what happened that broke you up should help.

September 5, 2012

I wish I were as strong as you. That is very brave. You should feel empowered that you aren't giving her what she wants. Good for you!

It's hard to say no but it's even harder to actually go through that, see your ex and sleep with them. Because when you are done, nothing has changed and you just lowered your standards for them. Take it from me.

Keep strong. You are my inspiration!

Don't get me wrong, I want to. I just know its not good for me.

I do love her though. Chances are we will just flow apart and never see each other again. Sad but it's the way of things.

Come here and I'll show you some "inspiration"

September 5, 2012

Haha, see you are doing fine, you are flirting!

How do you resist the urge to not contact her?

I need to stop going back to my ex to give him what he wants. I just don't know how. He called me twice last night and I ignored it. Then he left a message saying to call him back if I want to and if not he will talk to me in a couple of days. It threw me off, what does he mean a couple of days? It's just weird because he talks to me everyday!

I don't know. I need to be strong like you.

September 5, 2012

Haha, see you are doing fine, you are flirting!

How do you resist the urge to not contact her?

I need to stop going back to my ex to give him what he wants. I just don't know how. He called me twice last night and I ignored it. Then he left a message saying to call him back if I want to and if not he will talk to me in a couple of days. It threw me off, what does he mean a couple of days? It's just weird because he talks to me everyday!

I don't know. I need to be strong like you.

Well it's kind of like "sticking to your guns".

If you see him today or tomorrow is he going to give you what you really want from a relationship?

Probably not.

So you have to ask yourself what the greater goal for you is. Maybe if you stick to what you want you will get it. But if you keep giving in to the temptations you'll just stay exactly where you are. You want the comfort, I know. But it's going to lead to the same thing.

The reason he told you two days is because he IS trying to throw you off. Hes probably doing something and wants you to miss him/wonder/ be curious. This is how he will get you interested. You'll think "why two days? what could he be doing? is it some girl?" that's his hope.

Seems to be working though.

Can you PM yet?

September 5, 2012

Well it's kind of like "sticking to your guns".

If you see him today or tomorrow is he going to give you what you really want from a relationship?
Probably not.

So you have to ask yourself what the greater goal for you is. Maybe if you stick to what you want you will get it. But if you keep giving in to the temptations you'll just stay exactly where you are. You want the comfort, I know. But it's going to lead to the same thing.

The reason he told you two days is because he IS trying to throw you off. Hes probably doing something and wants you to miss him/wonder/ be curious. This is how he will get you interested. You'll think "why two days? what could he be doing? is it some girl?" that's his hope.

Seems to be working though.
Can you PM yet?

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense! I need to move on and let go now. I think I'm getting there. I told him today that I didn't answer his call bc I was busy but I need my charger back and that he left his pants at my house so if he can come and get them and give my charger. He still has a key to my apartment.

I don't know if I can PM yet? How do you know?

September 5, 2012

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense! I need to move on and let go now. I think I'm getting there. I told him today that I didn't answer his call bc I was busy but I need my charger back and that he left his pants at my house so if he can come and get them and give my charger. He still has a key to my apartment.

I don't know if I can PM yet? How do you know?

You can't PM yet. Probably another week or two.

Stop having sex with him. You are NOT getting "there" because you're still emotionally attached. You're gonna hurt way before you get better. You are still at 0. When you were NC with him you were making some progress but now you're back to 0.

Give him his pants, take your charger and close the door behind him.

Look at me, I love my ex and I know I can't do anything. If I was him and I truly cared about you I would have made things right, ONLY if I truly cared about you. Since he's not doing it, he doesn't feel that way.

September 5, 2012

Don't stray,bra! Think of everything you've done to get to the point you're at now: is worth going back to square one ?

Pretend someone with your exact same story and issue is asking you for advice (like how you are asking us now), what would you say ?

September 5, 2012

So, it's 5 weeks since my ex tried to have sex with me and I refused because shes with a guy. Then we both proceeded to NC.

I still don't regret not having sex with her. I think it would have caused bigger problems. But I've been missing her this week. I stay very busy with good people and all my work but I cant help loving her still.

There are moments where i feel like acting on it, but i don't even know how I would or if it's even worth it. If there's no contact and she's trying to make her crappy rebound work what possible options do I have for getting her attention? There are none.

Plus, I feel like it would hurt my cause anyway.
I hate this stage. I really cant make sense of it still.

Any suggestions on how to deal with it?
I know I wont break contact unless I feel it is completely necessary. But what's the benefit at this point?

it comes and goes, man. if you have a heart at all, you're never going to entirely forget, you'll just learn to suppress it better

you need a new distraction, a new video game, a new bar, something. break your current routine and try something out of your comfort zone to break up your habits. it should help switch your thoughts around.

September 5, 2012

it comes and goes, man. if you have a heart at all, you're never going to entirely forget, you'll just learn to suppress it better

you need a new distraction, a new video game, a new bar, something. break your current routine and try something out of your comfort zone to break up your habits. it should help switch your thoughts around.

Been doing new things all month. Some days it just gets to you.

It's one of those "we were awesome" days. But i'm getting better. Hopefully it's just temporary.

September 5, 2012

So, it's 5 weeks since my ex tried to have sex with me and I refused because shes with a guy. Then we both proceeded to NC.

I still don't regret not having sex with her. I think it would have caused bigger problems. But I've been missing her this week. I stay very busy with good people and all my work but I cant help loving her still.

There are moments where i feel like acting on it, but i don't even know how I would or if it's even worth it. If there's no contact and she's trying to make her crappy rebound work what possible options do I have for getting her attention? There are none.

Plus, I feel like it would hurt my cause anyway.
I hate this stage. I really cant make sense of it still.

Any suggestions on how to deal with it?
I know I wont break contact unless I feel it is completely necessary. But what's the benefit at this point?

i read a comment from you the other day, about control, well it does ultimately come down to that... what power or control do you realistically have?

September 5, 2012

i read a comment from you the other day, about control, well it does ultimately come down to that... what power or control do you realistically have?

No control over anyone's actions except my own, that's for sure.

September 5, 2012

So, it's 5 weeks since my ex tried to have sex with me and I refused because shes with a guy. Then we both proceeded to NC.

I still don't regret not having sex with her. I think it would have caused bigger problems. But I've been missing her this week. I stay very busy with good people and all my work but I cant help loving her still.

There are moments where i feel like acting on it, but i don't even know how I would or if it's even worth it. If there's no contact and she's trying to make her crappy rebound work what possible options do I have for getting her attention? There are none.

Plus, I feel like it would hurt my cause anyway.
I hate this stage. I really cant make sense of it still.

Any suggestions on how to deal with it?
I know I wont break contact unless I feel it is completely necessary. But what's the benefit at this point?

Working on my own thread, it's pretty close to this so I'll try not to jack it.

You have to stop looking at just the good. I'm not saying ignore what great times you had, but you need to take the whole relationship into perspective. Yes, awesome times were had, incredible memories made, horrible fights were fought, and bridges were burned on both sides. This is my struggle now too, I so badly want to reach out to her, I want her to want to reach to me, but I know she won't ever be able to love me the way I loved her, it's broken. That's why we're both here; different circumstances, similar results.

Look at the relationship as a whole, not just the good. Obviously the good parts only will make you miss her. Keep strong. It's funny, 'strength' to keep going is misleading- it's more like clinging, hanging on by your fingertips to stay away. It's much easier to just let go and let yourself contact her, and start the painful cycle of rejection all over.

Don't reach out, remember the pain of rejection and that it waits right around the corner. Let yourself move on. Maybe she was great, but you weren't perfect together or you would still be together, and she would have been using that energy to fix you both instead of dumping it into a rebound. You don't need her.

Oh, and

No control over anyone's actions except my own, that's for sure.

No fate but what we make?

*cue Terminator theme*

September 5, 2012

ok... so I'm new to the NC point... and my relationship was mostly effed up anyway, but someone gave me this advice and I think it's very valid....

focus on what ended the relationship... in my case it was that I found out he was exchanging naked pictures with a girl he cheated on me with... he cheated said he felt remorseful I took him back and in the next month while we were in couples counseling they were sending dirty pictures back and forth...

so... what I'm doing is looking at a few of the less dirty pictures... actually I'm looking at a screen shot of me sending him the picture saying wtf is this....

to remind myself that sure there are good things that I'll miss, but overall this is how it NEEDS to be, this is how it HAS to be...

so my example is beyond extreme... but maybe try something like that for yourself... find the thing that reminds you why things ended.... even if she left you remind yourself of how cold she was towards you to walk away knowing you were hurting....

September 6, 2012

keep going NC man. i'm in a similar situation. the last time i saw my ex, post-breakup, we were having sex and had a great weekend (aside from the end when i went through her phone, didn't like what i saw, and left her lol). she kept stringing me along even after the weekend, but it wasn't the same. we weren't best friends anymore; she was talking to me every few days, and went a whole long weekend without contacting me. i saw pictures of her having fun with a friend, and i'm just like why am i doing this to myself. the old her could 'never not' update me about something in her life...like i said we were best friends. i couldn't settle for this, it was heart-wrenching.

anywayyy...i told her to 'leave me alone please' and that 'i couldn't do this any longer' b/c i couldn't and would never comprehend how she could just give up on someone that loved and cared for her like i did. and how it must not have been that special if she could do it so easily. well guess what, she just never responded to that text. it hurtttts beyond belief. that last weekend she was even saying things like we should carve 'mike + vanessa = forever' into these stones at a park where ppl did that stuff. like wtff?!? and she just doesn't respond, and here we are 7 weeks to the day, and not a peep. nothing. not even a drunken call/text. she always prided herself on cutting off guys quickly when it ended, BUT, it was all talk, b/c she talked to all of her exes in a friendly manner occasionally. in fact when we broke up one time before, she re-added a few exes to her facebook lol.

but yeah anyhow, we both need to keep our pride and stay NC. i'm a VERY prideful person and i know i'll never contact her first..and will undoubtedly ignore any texts she sends me that aren't overly apologetic and that she misses me and wants to meet up etc etc. but damn it hurts that i essentially don't exist to her anymore. tmrw is my birthday and i've pretty much prepared myself not to hear from her, i'm about 87% sure she won't contact me, but it will still hurt nonetheless ...hang in there man.

September 6, 2012

All of you have given very valid advice.

And i know that I have to keep up with it. I mean I've gone 5 months NC before so its not that bad but sometimes i think she was such a cool chick, its hard to find girls that cool. But then i remember why i left.

What I want to know is, I sometimes see people here talk about writing letters and some kind of email about how much you love this person and appreciate them. To me it always sounds a bit pathetic.

My question is, does that "letter" approach work on anyone?

There was a second where I entertained the idea of telling her i still care for her.

But I cant see this working.

My ex was insecure and a bit strange so it's hard to tell what would work on her.

Do these things work for anyone?

September 6, 2012

For me- no. It actually helped bring on the final fallout, so if that's what you are looking for, go for it. I suppose it did bring an amount of closure that was evading me for a while. And as pathetic as it seems... it's much more pathetic when they actually read it and tell you to never contact them again. Don't, for the love of all that humanity has ever stood for, send her anything. Write the letter, then burn it, or store it, or something. If you write an email, you should absolutely delete it again, or send it to a close friend first and then delete it from your outbox, so that you might never send it in an inebriated state.

Part of what I learned is that the harder we try on this side to get them back, the harder we fall. We can't change our exes mind for them, they'll make up their mind regardless of how hard we try; that's the double-edged beauty of free-will. When someone gives us their love, it's an incredible feeling, but when someone takes it away, it's soul-wrenching.

You know the drill, if there is ever a shot of hope for you two to get back together, she has to initiate it. If she doesn't, then it really wasn't meant to be. Do you really want someone who doesn't love you completely? She won't as she is right now, you might be able to say the exact right thing to get back with her for a spell, but unless she bridges that gap first, it will be doomed from the start. And no, asking for sex was not bridging that gap.

September 6, 2012

I guess i feel like maybe i should have given her one more chance to prove to me it was going to work.

This last time she swore shed do anything to make it work. But i was so frigging tired of all of it. I just needed time away. But she jumped to another dude right away.

You are completely right in everything you say, i know you are. But it's still tough. I will never write anything like that, its not how I am. I just feel love for her still.

September 6, 2012

I guess i feel like maybe i should have given her one more chance to prove to me it was going to work.

This last time she swore shed do anything to make it work. But i was so frigging tired of all of it. I just needed time away. But she jumped to another dude right away.

You are completely right in everything you say, i know you are. But it's still tough. I will never write anything like that, its not how I am. I just feel love for her still.

It's easy to say the right words, it's so much harder to follow the tough advice. I say the right words, but I've fallen so hard in my own breakup I don't know why I even bother trying help anyone. Maybe it's to show that at least in my own case, breaking NC, emailing her, dialing her at two in the morning to proclaim my devotion to her all still FAILED horribly to do anything to get her back. I wouldn't blink twice before taking my ex up for sex, because I'd have some misconception that it meant we were back on. I'm dumb about that, and you were strong enough to resist it.

It's been a while since I have felt this way, but I know a few weeks post BU, I began to question that day- if I had only done x different, would things be different now? I remember wishing for nothing more than to redo that day, to actually try to talk it out, reason with her, change this all. Would we have stayed together that day? Probably. Would we have avoided breaking up down the line? No, that thought was in her head and her heart and there was no long-term viability like that. It was inevitable since our dynamic was so flawed. Sounds like yours might have been similar; you were going to tire of eventually again, she would slip up badly again; even if she said she'd work on it, she had no external capacity to know how hard to work to keep it together for the long-run.

She had to be outside the relationship, as did you, to know what was so fundamentally wrong with it, and what was so right. Maybe now you think you can actually make it work, but it's up to her to want to come back to that, and it's up to you to get to a point where you actually don't need her to be happy.

September 6, 2012

It's easy to say the right words, it's so much harder to follow the tough advice. I say the right words, but I've fallen so hard in my own breakup I don't know why I even bother trying help anyone. Maybe it's to show that at least in my own case, breaking NC, emailing her, dialing her at two in the morning to proclaim my devotion to her all still FAILED horribly to do anything to get her back. I wouldn't blink twice before taking my ex up for sex, because I'd have some misconception that it meant we were back on. I'm dumb about that, and you were strong enough to resist it.

It's been a while since I have felt this way, but I know a few weeks post BU, I began to question that day- if I had only done x different, would things be different now? I remember wishing for nothing more than to redo that day, to actually try to talk it out, reason with her, change this all. Would we have stayed together that day? Probably. Would we have avoided breaking up down the line? No, that thought was in her head and her heart and there was no long-term viability like that. It was inevitable since our dynamic was so flawed. Sounds like yours might have been similar; you were going to tire of eventually again, she would slip up badly again; even if she said she'd work on it, she had no external capacity to know how hard to work to keep it together for the long-run.

She had to be outside the relationship, as did you, to know what was so fundamentally wrong with it, and what was so right. Maybe now you think you can actually make it work, but it's up to her to want to come back to that, and it's up to you to get to a point where you actually don't need her to be happy.

Yeah, you can't really talk someone into feeling a certain way.

I know all this but it still sucks.

I guess it's still too early to feel normal. She was smart in jumping straight to another person. She doesn't really have to deal with any of this.

September 6, 2012

Yeah, you can't really talk someone into feeling a certain way.
I know all this but it still sucks.

I guess it's still too early to feel normal. She was smart in jumping straight to another person. She doesn't really have to deal with any of this.

In honesty, it was foolish for her to jump to the next person. You're dealing with the pain, learning about her, yourself and your relationship. She ignores all of it by wrapping herself up in the next guy, but that's only a placebo happiness. Remember, she already tried once to sleep with you while still dating him. What kind of foundation do they have? It will crumble, and when it does, you'll be on her mind.

She'll have to deal with the pain eventually, she can ignore it for a long time but it will raise its head at some point. But you can't force her into that pain either, she has to find her way there. Stay strong, this wave will pass, and each wave diminishes until the ache barely registers.

September 6, 2012

In honesty, it was foolish for her to jump to the next person. You're dealing with the pain, learning about her, yourself and your relationship. She ignores all of it by wrapping herself up in the next guy, but that's only a placebo happiness. Remember, she already tried once to sleep with you while still dating him. What kind of foundation do they have? It will crumble, and when it does, you'll be on her mind.

She'll have to deal with the pain eventually, she can ignore it for a long time but it will raise its head at some point. But you can't force her into that pain either, she has to find her way there. Stay strong, this wave will pass, and each wave diminishes until the ache barely registers.

What good will it be when her rebound crumbles and she then deals with her issues?

I mean I get everything you're saying and I believe the same thing. But it just sucks in the end.

It could be 3 years before that happens. I guess I'm just ranting because i'm frustrated. Don't feel like accepting reality this week.

Just this week.

September 6, 2012

It's just never gonna be worth waiting for someone to have a change of heart because it may not happen, and even if it does, it's not likely to last. No matter how many ****ing promises they make. As my recent sh*tty, sh*tty experience demonstrates. GRRAAAAA . Of course anything is possible, but even if you could get another good year of the relationship, or two, would that be that great ? I agree on the cool chicks being hard to find. It bums me out. But theyre around for sure.

September 6, 2012

It's just never gonna be worth waiting for someone to have a change of heart because it may not happen, and even if it does, it's not likely to last. No matter how many ****ing promises they make. As my recent sh*tty, sh*tty experience demonstrates. GRRAAAAA . Of course anything is possible, but even if you could get another good year of the relationship, or two, would that be that great ? I agree on the cool chicks being hard to find. It bums me out. But theyre around for sure.

That's the part that bothers me the most, we had everything in common expect how we treat the relationship, which happens to be one of the most important things.

Why do they always praise women for being "mature". I didn't see that at all.

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Love for ex is resurfacing. What's the best course of action?

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