Brian4 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Hey all, My girlfriend of 3 years and I had been having some small issues. She seemed a little distracted, a bit withdrawn when we were by ourselves, but absolutely fine when we were in public and with friends. She recently got her dream job as a 3rd grade special education teacher, and recently she blindsided me with the bombshell... We were driving home from going to dinner, and she just started breaking down. In hysterics, she began saying that it wasn't working and that she doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. She couldn't really give a reason, but says that she does still care about me as a person, but doesn't love me anymore, but doesn't know what the future holds. To make matters worse, I had just bought her a ring and was actually set to ask her fathers permission on Saturday, followed by a surprise trip to Montauk Point next weekend to propose. As I'm sure you can imagine, I'm absolutely destroyed. I want nothing more than to see her and ask what had happened to us, ask if this has anything to do with the stress of her new job, or if (heaven forbid) there is someone else. She changed her. Umber to prevent me from contacting her (she says it's to spare me the pain of seeing her), but I can't keep this going on as is. I'm an absolute wreck. I have a great support system, but almost every one of my friends that I talk to makes me think of her. It's absolute torture. She says she doesn't want me to contact her for a while, and it's been 5 days since seeing her. Does anyone have any advice as far as getting through this, and possibly if/when I should ever make contact with her to talk about what happened.
MW93i Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I'm going through a breakup myself right now, the best advice I have received is to keep myself busy tell all your friends about your situation ask them to be there for you and to listen to. Do anything to keep yourself busy, I've started walking/jogging more and spent so much more time with my family. It's okay to cry, cry as much as you can. Even in front of friends. They'll be there for you and crying will make you feel so much better. It is extremely harsh being told that someone doesn't love you any more but YOU have to face it that it's over. It will never work. Why would you want it to when she lost everything for you. 3 days ago I was told my girlfriend lost everything for me I've convinced my mind and body that it is over but I still can't cope with things. If you want my advise don't make any contact at all, block her out your life completely. Harsh but she doesn't deserve you. If you ever want to talk about anything at all I'll listen.
Drseussgrrl Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I know how you feel. Last year, out of the blue my fiance dumped me three months before our wedding. Turns out he fancied the wedding planner. She is now pregnant and they are engaged. Look - the less you know the better. I agree with MW993i. Do not contact her - you'll realize that the more "answers" you get, the more questions will crop up. Maybe she doesn't even realize herself why she wanted out. I know how shattered you must feel right now. When my fiance and I broke up I had to completely recreate my life. Move out of our condo, cut ties with his family I had grown incredibly close to, tell my friends and family even after our save the dates had gone out, sell my wedding dress. It was awful. My life as I knew it was over and that was the hardest thing of all to cope with, not to mention the sense of betrayal I had to contend with. The only thing that is really going to help is time and the support of your friends and family. There really is no getting around the pain, only through. Keep posting here when you get down. We're all here for you and have been through the similar anguish.
Author Brian4 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Thank you both for the advice, it's nice knowing you're never going through something like this alone. Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know, but I really feel like this could be worked out. When she told me, initially it was a "break" (but I feel like that's such a copout), then the next day it was "you need to give me time, I don't know how I feel", then it became "I don't love you anymore right now". This whole thing would be so much easier if there were answers, what I did/didn't do, if its the stress if the new job, if it was someone else....the struggle of not knowing why this happened is absolutely killing me. I'm afraid because I know my body and mind wants to hear from her, but I know I shouldn't.
flitzanu Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Thank you both for the advice, it's nice knowing you're never going through something like this alone. Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know, but I really feel like this could be worked out. When she told me, initially it was a "break" (but I feel like that's such a copout), then the next day it was "you need to give me time, I don't know how I feel", then it became "I don't love you anymore right now". This whole thing would be so much easier if there were answers, what I did/didn't do, if its the stress if the new job, if it was someone else....the struggle of not knowing why this happened is absolutely killing me. I'm afraid because I know my body and mind wants to hear from her, but I know I shouldn't. i'll be the one to say it. "break" = "breakup" "i need time" = "i want to bang/date other people" doesn't mean you did anything wrong, just means she doesn't want to be with you and wants to explore new things. sucks for us being dumped obviously, but some things you just can't fight.
bluefairy812 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 this is horrible. i'm very sorry to hear about this and what you are going through. reality is, long term relationships don't end from one day to another. she must have been feeling a certain way which brought her to this point. it could be someone else. it could be she was noticing things that bothered her. did she try to reach out and talk to you before about things that were bothering her? best thing you can do is leave her alone. NC all the way. even though its so terrible what you are going through hang in there...
MW93i Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Thank you both for the advice, it's nice knowing you're never going through something like this alone. Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know, but I really feel like this could be worked out. When she told me, initially it was a "break" (but I feel like that's such a copout), then the next day it was "you need to give me time, I don't know how I feel", then it became "I don't love you anymore right now". This whole thing would be so much easier if there were answers, what I did/didn't do, if its the stress if the new job, if it was someone else....the struggle of not knowing why this happened is absolutely killing me. I'm afraid because I know my body and mind wants to hear from her, but I know I shouldn't. Stop trying to convince yourself. It wouldn't as soon as one half of the relationship wants a break it's basically telling you although they still care about you they don't want you, basically things have changed in their mind. You may or you may not eventually get the answers you want but right now you shouldn't drag on them. Just don't contact her. Do everything in your power not to.
Author Brian4 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Thanks for the input. Yesterday was a really tough day, you all are definitely helping out with it. I just have a lot of feelings going on. Her sister, who I am pretty close with, texted me while I was at work yesterday, she's pretty concerned for how I'm doing. That means a lot to me, but it sent me into a spiral of emotions. For example, I play on an ice hockey team and we had a game last night. I figured it would be a great way to let out some energy and blow off some steam. So the game starts and I look to the stands and keep thinking about how she used to come down with the other wives/girlfriends and I got very angry. Angry that something that I thought was so perfect went so wrong, angry that I likely won't get any answers, and angry at myself that I had put so much of an emotional investment (i.e. on the verge of proposing) into something that wasn't what I thought it was. I got bumped by one of the guys on the other team, and I just lost it. I lashed out and started pummeling away on this guy. After I was pulled off of him, it was pretty apparent that I had hurt this guy pretty bad. I'm not a violent person, I don't like fighting, and I'm really bothered by what I did. He did nothing, was just got under my skin. Now, on top of the stuff I'm feeling from the breakup, I'm feeling a lot of shame for taking everything out on a total stranger. I'm starting to really not like what I see in the mirror, and I just feel like its really unfair that she has made me doubt myself as a person.
flitzanu Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 Thanks for the input. Yesterday was a really tough day, you all are definitely helping out with it. I just have a lot of feelings going on. Her sister, who I am pretty close with, texted me while I was at work yesterday, she's pretty concerned for how I'm doing. That means a lot to me, but it sent me into a spiral of emotions. For example, I play on an ice hockey team and we had a game last night. I figured it would be a great way to let out some energy and blow off some steam. So the game starts and I look to the stands and keep thinking about how she used to come down with the other wives/girlfriends and I got very angry. Angry that something that I thought was so perfect went so wrong, angry that I likely won't get any answers, and angry at myself that I had put so much of an emotional investment (i.e. on the verge of proposing) into something that wasn't what I thought it was. I got bumped by one of the guys on the other team, and I just lost it. I lashed out and started pummeling away on this guy. After I was pulled off of him, it was pretty apparent that I had hurt this guy pretty bad. I'm not a violent person, I don't like fighting, and I'm really bothered by what I did. He did nothing, was just got under my skin. Now, on top of the stuff I'm feeling from the breakup, I'm feeling a lot of shame for taking everything out on a total stranger. I'm starting to really not like what I see in the mirror, and I just feel like its really unfair that she has made me doubt myself as a person. at least you play hockey and not golf, right? you found your monster, now you learn to control it.
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