Ellin Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) It would almost be funny if it wasn't so serious. Sadly, I was married to this man for years and have children with him. He cheated on me during our M and that was just a part of the problem with him as he was also abusive and the cheating was not actually the worst thing he did. I divorced him four years ago but he's not out my life completely because of the kids. He's ok with them and they like spending time with him (not always but most of the time). He is not reliable though and there have been times when he sort of disappeared on them for some periods and even when he's around, other than being nice and playful with them he's still a rubbish dad, not being involved much and not helping in any way, including financially. After the D he kept telling me that he still loved me and wanted to get back together. Eventually I told him that I met someone else and after that he found a woman for marriage. I won't make it a long story but it was a quick thing, he just married the first person he thought was suitable for a W and willing to get M. Now she is in another country due to unmet visa requirements and he keeps pestering me, telling me he doesn't love her or find her attractive and still has feelings for me and that I'm special and unique (which I believe is true ) and no one can compare to me etc. In short he's been trying hard to convince me to let him in my pants. He knows I'm in a LDR right now so my OH is not around and obviously things are bit tense in my R due to it being long distance. However, I've made it clear that I'm not interested so he went as far as offering me money! The thing is I've been asking him for money for the kids' upkeep, which is his responsibility but I cannot take him to court to secure payments because he's unemployed and is officially sick although I know that he's fit for work and in fact he does some work and generally has money that he could spare for his children. He kept promising he would give but didn't and instead tried to extract some benefits for himself as he indicated he was willing to give me a substantial amount if I could "help him out". Just wanted to share this though I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this. Edited September 5, 2012 by Ellin
nofool4u Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I think you need to inform his new significant other. That'll stop him from asking you. 6
Spark1111 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I think you need to inform his new significant other. That'll stop him from asking you. I like this advice! I think it would stop him dead in his tracks. Threaten it. Is he kidding? Because he has NO regard for either you or his new W. How manipulative of him to think you would service him so his children can reap the financial benefit he owes them anyhow! If you did do it, I would almost guarantee he's not sending a dime; will tell the new wife you made it all up; and he will eventually find another woman to manipulate into an affair. Don't let him push your buttons. You've been here before with him and apparently, the leopard hasn't changed his spots one ink dot. I wonder how many affair partners he told that he never loved you, you couldn't compare to THEM and blah, blah, blah. Laugh.....and hang up.
GLDheart Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 ...However, I've made it clear that I'm not interested so he went as far as offering me money! The thing is I've been asking him for money for the kids' upkeep.... WHOAH. If I'm reading you right, that "The thing is..." part looks like you may actually be considering taking him up on the offer of sex for money. I'm not going to pass judgement on that. But either way, be careful. There's obviously more at stake here than a quick screw and a handful of cash.
Author Ellin Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Thanks for your responses. No, he has no regard for anyone. He's seriously disturbed, psychopatic in my view. He didn't tell his AP when we were M anything about me because he pretended to be single as far as I know. He would generally go for vulnerable types (as I was when we first met) and the same can be said about his new W who is in a poor country, in a difficult situation and hoping he can make her life better. GLD heart, no, I didn't consider his offer for 0.000000001 second. Yes, Spark, all I can do is laugh - tragically..
freestyle Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 His behavior sounds like the classic abuser's M.O.--devalue, discard, but attempt to recycle, when needed. I hope you'll be able to maintain your clarity, and not succumb, if/when the loneliness feels overwhelming. Abusers know how to turn on the charm when it suits them---please don't fall for it.
2sure Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 So, he has the money to help support his children financially...but because he is scamming the system he techinically is out of work...so he doesnt give the money to you. But he will! ..if you have sex with him. You know what? I have to tell you....I would not, under any circumstances allow this POS in my breathing space. And the money for sex thing isnt even why...because certainly he is easy to dismiss. Its because he HAS the money for his kids...but wont give it up unless there is something it for him. And Im betting he is receiving unemployment or medical or aid of some kind to boot. His kids are old enough to know he is a POS. They do right? 1
Silly_Girl Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Hey Ellin!! Hope otherwise things are going well I would ignore these approaches from your ex, simply say - every time - "you KNOW that's not going to happen", like you would if your child asked you for something entirely preposterous, so ridiculous it's laughable. If consistently acting in a zero-drama manner doesn't deter him I'd then try and get it by email or text, preferably 3 times, and forward to his wife. The creep.
veryhappy Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 You are having too many conversations with him. He doesn't need to know your R is in bad shape because you are long distance, it doesn't need to get to the point of him suggesting that you "help him out". It just sounds like there's too many conversations between the two of you. He shouldn't even get to the point of trying to get into your pants. Ask him for child support and be done with it. End any conversation that deviates from that.
g450 Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 He simply wants a piece of ass. Dont stoop to his level. And stop playing games with him. If he contacts you keep it about the kids only. Dont share any personal info with him and if he starts with the "ILY SH**" Hang up on him. 1
GLDheart Posted September 6, 2012 Posted September 6, 2012 ...Dont stoop to his level... Actually, that gives me an idea. Play him. Tell him "You know I'm warming up to the idea... Keep it up and you just may get your way.. tee hee... but hey while I have you here, can I get a couple bucks for some shoes for your kids?" I don't know if he's dumb enough to fall for getting strung along, but I wouldn't feel bad one bit about giving him a taste of his own manipulation medicine.
Author Ellin Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 So, he has the money to help support his children financially...but because he is scamming the system he techinically is out of work...so he doesnt give the money to you. But he will! ..if you have sex with him. You know what? I have to tell you....I would not, under any circumstances allow this POS in my breathing space. And the money for sex thing isnt even why...because certainly he is easy to dismiss. Its because he HAS the money for his kids...but wont give it up unless there is something it for him. And Im betting he is receiving unemployment or medical or aid of some kind to boot. His kids are old enough to know he is a POS. They do right? You summed it up pretty well. This is the worst aspect of the whole situation.
Author Ellin Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Hey Ellin!! Hope otherwise things are going well I would ignore these approaches from your ex, simply say - every time - "you KNOW that's not going to happen", like you would if your child asked you for something entirely preposterous, so ridiculous it's laughable. If consistently acting in a zero-drama manner doesn't deter him I'd then try and get it by email or text, preferably 3 times, and forward to his wife. The creep. Hi SG! I hope you're ok (I'm not up to date with everyone's stories I'm afraid). Thanks, this is just what I'm doing with him. I'm not in any risk of falling for his charm any more. I can handle him and I don't get too stressed about him any more. It's just the children's business that upsets me. I posted this here because of the cheating aspect and the irony of it. I know what he is but the wickedness doesn't cease to amaze me. I could not possibly be intimate with him no matter how lonely I feel. It would be something like being with a piece of meat because there is hardly anything human there. And I did tell him I do net sell this kind of services. 1
Author Ellin Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 Actually, that gives me an idea. Play him. Tell him "You know I'm warming up to the idea... Keep it up and you just may get your way.. tee hee... but hey while I have you here, can I get a couple bucks for some shoes for your kids?" I don't know if he's dumb enough to fall for getting strung along, but I wouldn't feel bad one bit about giving him a taste of his own manipulation medicine. Nice idea. It could work with him and in a sense would be a "fair" way to deal with him and it's funny to think of. But I'm not quite comfortable with manipulating someone, even a total psycho who deserves it And the amount of hassle I would get is not worth the bit of cash..
GLDheart Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 ...But I'm not quite comfortable with manipulating someone, even a total psycho who deserves it... I'm with you there 100%... but it's fun to think about ;-)
beenburned Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Ellin, You need to take him to court for unpaid child support! The court does not care that he is unemployed, as there is still a minimum payment due based on your states guidelines! My D is in the middle of a divorce right now with a H that is unemployed. The judge ordered him to pay his minimum child support, or go to jail!
turnera Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You need to file the paperwork for support ANYWAY! It needs to be in the books. Eventually, he's going to have to get some real work, and your wage garnish mandate will be there in the books, waiting for him. 1
johan Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You are having too many conversations with him. He doesn't need to know your R is in bad shape because you are long distance, it doesn't need to get to the point of him suggesting that you "help him out". It just sounds like there's too many conversations between the two of you. He shouldn't even get to the point of trying to get into your pants. Ask him for child support and be done with it. End any conversation that deviates from that. I agree with this completely. You are keeping him too close.
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