without Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 How do you get over feeling unattractive, useless and empty after you understand your partner has cheated on you?
fun2bewith Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 ....when you can put less meaning to the act of cheating... I have been cheated on before and I understand how unattractive, and alone you feel... He/she cheated because they could get away... not because you were not good enough... at that stage it was all about them, their selfish wants, it was never you.... If you were better than the "the other girl/boy" or worst than "the other girl/boy", do you think that would have prevented them from cheating? It was never your fault.... 2
KathyM Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 If it's any consolation, I read that affair partners are often not as good looking as the spouse. Being cheated on does, however, damage one's self esteem when the BS is confronted with the fact that their spouse had desires for someone else. And, of course, it detroys the trust. The way to rebuild trust is for the WS to show remorse for his actions and assurance that he realizes how badly he hurt the BS, and vows to never jeopardize their relationship again, and then he is transparent and accountable for where he is and what he does. He no longer engages in suspicious behavior and never has unexplained absences. He is transparent and allows you to check his phone, Email or whatever if you feel the need to. Transparency, accountability, and reassurance over time will help you get past this, although in many cases and for many people, trust is never fully restored. Once a person has proven that he is capable and willing to cheat, there is no more blind trust, and doubts do still crop up sometimes for the BS typically.
Author without Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 If it's any consolation, I read that affair partners are often not as good looking as the spouse. Being cheated on does, however, damage one's self esteem when the BS is confronted with the fact that their spouse had desires for someone else. And, of course, it detroys the trust. The way to rebuild trust is for the WS to show remorse for his actions and assurance that he realizes how badly he hurt the BS, and vows to never jeopardize their relationship again, and then he is transparent and accountable for where he is and what he does. He no longer engages in suspicious behavior and never has unexplained absences. He is transparent and allows you to check his phone, Email or whatever if you feel the need to. Transparency, accountability, and reassurance over time will help you get past this, although in many cases and for many people, trust is never fully restored. Once a person has proven that he is capable and willing to cheat, there is no more blind trust, and doubts do still crop up sometimes for the BS typically. What if you're no longer with them, but you still have two problems: 1-Great difficulty trusting others 2-Always feeling you're not good enough both physically and emotionally. Thus they may leave you.
fun2bewith Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 What if you're no longer with them, but you still have two problems: 1-Great difficulty trusting others Why do you feel you need to trust others? Do you need trust to love? 2-Always feeling you're not good enough both physically and emotionally. Thus they may leave you. Isn't it because you are still hurt? ...Focus on improving yourself, surround you with people who are positve and has zest for life, and most importantly take a break from relationships for a few weeks and focus on you...
Author without Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Why do you feel you need to trust others? Do you need trust to love? Isn't it because you are still hurt? ...Focus on improving yourself, surround you with people who are positve and has zest for life, and most importantly take a break from relationships for a few weeks and focus on you... What do you mean? Of course I need to trust others I will neither love nor have any relation with others if I don't trust them. And I don't know how to overcome this, its been almost 2 years but I'm still like this.
KathyM Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 What if you're no longer with them, but you still have two problems: 1-Great difficulty trusting others 2-Always feeling you're not good enough both physically and emotionally. Thus they may leave you. Being cheated on does give your self esteem a huge blow, no doubt. And it does take a toll on your ability to trust future partners. I think it helps to tell yourself that there are honorable men who don't cheat. And be in tune to a guy's overall values when dating. And it helps to build up your self esteem in healthy ways and give yourself positive self talk. Counseling could also help you to understand that the cheating was a result of a character flaw in your partner and not the result of some deficiency on your part. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 What if you're no longer with them, but you still have two problems: 1-Great difficulty trusting others 2-Always feeling you're not good enough both physically and emotionally. Thus they may leave you. I suggest you take some time for one on one counseling to help you leave your experience of being cheated on behind you.
Ugh1 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I am sorry you are going through this, but counseling could help alot. Don't get into another "relationship" until you are at that point. Feel free to date all the people you want inthe meantime, but don't commit to anyone. 1
venusianx13 Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 People do the things they do, whether it be cheating or something else, because they want to be happy and do not understand that happiness does not come from external factors, whether it be a new car, new partner, new home, etc. These temporary fixes for happiness can sometimes be detrimental to their safety, their relationships, their finances, etc., depending on what kind of fix they go for (i.e. gambling, cheating, drugs, etc.) It may help to view it as an an illness based on a delusion (that's truly what it is, in fact), and that it truly is separate from you (i.e. it's not because of you "not being good enough, attactive enough," etc.) I know it's easy for your mind to go there, but if you you truly examine this, it's simply not true. (Other examples, in celeb media, for instance, will reinforce this.) I'm not saying I don't have my own issues, but I view my past partners who have cheated on me with pity. And as far as I can see, if I've had chance to interact with them at some point in the future, the same pattern continues in them. It is sad. People learn lessons about life in their own time, though. 1
Leigh 87 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 If it's any consolation, I read that affair partners are often not as good looking as the spouse. Being cheated on does, however, damage one's self esteem when the BS is confronted with the fact that their spouse had desires for someone else. And, of course, it detroys the trust. The way to rebuild trust is for the WS to show remorse for his actions and assurance that he realizes how badly he hurt the BS, and vows to never jeopardize their relationship again, and then he is transparent and accountable for where he is and what he does. He no longer engages in suspicious behavior and never has unexplained absences. He is transparent and allows you to check his phone, Email or whatever if you feel the need to. Transparency, accountability, and reassurance over time will help you get past this, although in many cases and for many people, trust is never fully restored. Once a person has proven that he is capable and willing to cheat, there is no more blind trust, and doubts do still crop up sometimes for the BS typically. Transparency sounds like a great idea in theory, but some guys would just open a new, provate email accound behind his partners back; what's more, he could have a secret phone very easily. Phones are super cheat now days.... Look, some people are truly sorry and will never re offend; these people will do whatever it takes to get their partners back. Including the whole transparency thing. Unfortunately though, some men and women are with a parter who they do not love deaply enough to stay monogomus with; they want the comfort andf security of the familar person they very well LIKE; yet, they crave the true passion from finding people they have true feelings for. So many people do not want to cheat; they wish to love their partner, who they have become attached to. However, they picked the wrong mate, are too attached to leave, and hence cheat to compensate for what is lacking in their relationship. They stay with their partner out of familiarity and fear of losing such a close person to them, but they cheat to get true sexual intimacy from people they have TRUE feelings for.
ilovemacdre Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) by the way, i just can't be sure he really loves me. he says he was so upset when i broke up with him and then decided to go drink and relapse and sleep with the x. but did his mind change so quickly? and how could it have gone from boo hoo i am so sad Alyssa broke up with me to now I am ****ed up and onto the next girl, Marilyn (who i supposedly dont give a **** about) but when Alyssa is trying to get back together with me and making an effort to contact me all that weekend when I was cheating on her and lieing to her, I WAS IN DEED lieing to the one i supposedly WANT to be with NOW and was he just so hard headed that weekend or what? i dont get it. i mean do drugs and alcohol really make you a different person ? i am just trying to make sense of it all. I have been with my partner for like a year now. He has two kids with two different mother's. Since I have been with him I have dealt with his many relapses. We have fought and argued but somehow I still have loved him despite the horrors we've shared. Of course everyone says they don't want me with him (my mom, family) his mom hates me...and so recently i broke up with him and he was really upset from it. Anyway I feel bad because I was shady and broke up with him from misreading a date on an email, thinking he was trying to get on drugs again. So i didnt want to blow my cover and wanted to be all high and mighty and so i just broke up with him and didnt tell him the specifics like i was reading his emails or asked him even about it, because i thought this time i was really right. wow just had dejavu. anyway he got drunk and ****ed his x and baby mama over the weekend. he didnt tell me and probably never would have. so we worked **** out and i had NO IDEA what he had done over the weekend and i ****ed up WITHOUT a condom mind u and he just didnt say a god damn word about ****. then he gets mad at ME for accusing him of having used that weekend as well, which he denied and was very mean to me for even asking him about it. he would have still been on his tangent had the baby mama not called me and told me what she and him did over the weekend. she also said they got ****ed up and smoked weed and drank so therefore i now knew for sure he had used. anyway WHY THE **** and WHAT THE **** is wrong with me? You'd think I would be over his ass but I am ACTUALLY talking to him and TRYING to work things out. AFTER ALL THIS ****. and its not like this baby mama is just gonna disappear forever. Bottom line is he wants to be with me and bla bla bla but at this point I am not sure if I want to be with him. I feel bad because over the weekend I was trying to apologize and make up with him and I WANTED to be with him. HE was USING and IGNORING me the WHOLE TIME and FOR SOMEONE who WANTS to be with me SO BAD he sure as hell didnt want to when I wanted to that weekend. So what the **** is the deal here? I dont get it. He wants to be with me now....now that I really dont wanna be with him. honestly i love him but i dont want to be with him because WHY WOULD I. He was rude to me lieing to me AND he ****ing was concealing **** from me. WTF IS WRONG with him? I know there is nothing "wrong" with him but HE WAS WRONG for what he did! and now hes in JAIL and i just feel like me and him are just so ****ing seperate right now. i dont know what to do. i cant fix what he did or what i did. i guess what hurts me the most is knowing that he kept a secret and was willing to be angry with me to keep his secret, and to be "right" even though he was actuallys lieing. I guess I did the same thing with the e-mail thing right? but i just am having a really hard time getting over this. plus on top of it all my mom is not a fan of our relationship because she knows what he has put me thru. in fact none of my family is really happy with me being with him based on him having two kids and his relapses the past couple of years. I am just like not happy with myself and I want to love myself but I feel like I cant love myself and be with him still. I do love him A LOT and i have done EVERYTHING i can to ****ing make it work, and i still am. and i feel like all this effort i am putting into him is useless because he isnt changing! and if anything **** is getting worse! i mean it was my worst nightmare for him to **** marilyn. HE CHEATED ON ME. so what if i BROKE UP WITH HIM. ok yeah that was bad of me. But STILL. I CANT ****ING FORGET ABOUT THIS and get over it like I want to. I want to just not be so affected my by mom's opinion because i know shes just trying to guide me to do what SHE wants me to do, and then I am thinking she is my mom and only wants the best for me...however she may think she knows what i need but i have found out thru my life experience that she in fact does not know everything and does not know what i need despite what she thinks, which is that she does. so i am i guess now needing to have a little consortium with myself, which is do i want to stay and work through this ? i almost dont even have a choice in the matter its like i have to automatically. like he wont let me go...which is kind of what i wanted, i wanted him to always try with me because i know i can be imperfect and make the wrong choices at times. gosh i just didnt want it to be this hard. and i feel like right when things are going really well i just have to SABOTAGE the relationship by GOING THRU HIS EMAILS AND TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING WRONG that HES DOING so that I CAN SABOTAGE OUR RELATIONSHIP! WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH ME?! I think i tell him i want him to never let me go too because i feel like i need him to love me and stick around for the times when i do **** that is self-hating like sabotage and ****. im so sad. i miss him and feel like its my fault he cheated, but then i dont at the same time. i wish he wasnt in jail and i wish things could just be better and happy and peaceful. and now im super paranoied that hes going to cheat on me again. FML Edited September 11, 2012 by ilovemacdre
drifter777 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 What if you're no longer with them, but you still have two problems: 1-Great difficulty trusting others 2-Always feeling you're not good enough both physically and emotionally. Thus they may leave you. Asking basic questions like this indicate that you are still hurting from your partners cheating and in the early stages of recovery. You should consider seeing a counselor to help you understand your feelings and help you move forward in the healing process. If you can't afford or don't want to see a counselor, read a couple books on healing after infidelity. You really don't want to hope that the old "time heals all wounds" adage will work - it doesn't. Time may dull the pain as the initial shock wears off, but it will not heal. Doing something to help yourself heal can be powerful medicine. Try it. 1
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