Men who move too fast

[Lamplight]

I not one who likes to be touched on a first date if I just met you face to face for the first time. If we are friends already than light appropriate touching is fine. I've been on way too many dates, where some guy is trying to suck my throat out within 30 minutes of meeting me. That is so gross. When I push them off me, they have actually asked me why I'm not into them. Seriously? I now carry mace and other weapons for self defense when I go out with a guy I just met. Seriously, if they are going to date, learn some boundaries and manners.

[irc333]

I not one who likes to be touched on a first date if I just met you face to face for the first time. If we are friends already than light appropriate touching is fine. I've been on way too many dates, where some guy is trying to suck my throat out within 30 minutes of meeting me. That is so gross. When I push them off me, they have actually asked me why I'm not into them. Seriously? I now carry mace and other weapons for self defense when I go out with a guy I just met. Seriously, if they are going to date, learn some boundaries and manners.

 

I agree, Lamplight, but some of the men here think you're not telling the truth. They come from a stock of men that believes "No means yes". LOL

 

I believe ya though.

 

I know this is off-topic. It is just the whole idea of a chain restaurant as being a memory to look back on as the place where things started.

 

Then obviously someone's priorities lies elsewhere. It's not the place, it's the company that matters. This is the attitude that probably leads to countless divorces these days.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just a general tip: It ALWAYS is good to be original, so a chain restaurant is never the best choice for a first date no matter how much you like it. Truth.

[irc333]

Just a general tip: It ALWAYS is good to be original, so a chain restaurant is never the best choice for a first date no matter how much you like it. Truth.

 

Okay, I'll take your word for it. lol

[FitChick]

On a first date, where there is presumed initial attraction, there is nothing wrong with a man taking your elbow as you step off the curb to cross the street. You aren't a cripple but it's a nice, caring gesture. Or putting his hand on your back as he opens the door for you and follows you in. If a woman can't handle that gracefully, she is the wrong woman.

[oaks]

You start immediately.

 

I put this to the test last night on a first date. Not to make a point (I had forgotten about this thread) but because it all seemed like the right thing to do.

 

First touch, and within about 10 seconds of first making eye contact, was my hands lightly on her upper arms and a kiss to both cheeks. (She's from eastern Europe, so this wasn't particularly shocking or out of place.)

 

I wasn't making notes at the time, but I'm sure that somewhere before my arm was around her waist or my hand lightly and briefly touching her thigh she had probably felt my hand on the small of her back, on her arm, my hand touching hers, her poking me in the chest and tummy with her finger to highlight a joke etc. Her hand holding mine as we said goodnight was nice, too, especially since I didn't initiate that one.

 

 

I just hope I didn't blow it in the first 9 seconds by moving too slowly.

[Els]

I'm sure this all boils down to personal preference, but, to me, the first few instances of physical touch absolutely have to be natural and 'gentlemanly', not those of a horny frat boy trying to get laid. Mme Chaucer gave good examples - let your hands linger for a brief second longer than usual as you pass her stuff, or place your hand lightly on her back during appropriate times (moving through a crowded place, etc), take her hand or elbow as you move down the stairs or across the road.

 

Hand on thigh, or arm around waist for no reason whatsoever, or anything coming remotely close to breasts or genitalia - instant bad impression. I would be creeped out immensely if a guy did any of that as his first attempt at physical touch. Yes, even if I liked him initially, that would certainly send strong signals to change my mind about him.

[truth_seeker]

There is a time for just fun and sometimes you find someone you like more than that when you weren't really looking.

 

You bring up a great point. This is a huge problem with dating.

 

Someone wants you just for fun while the other person likes you more than that.

[Silly_Girl]

First date is almost business, second date I'd like to see signs he's keen and polite touching in a warm not pervy way is a great way to do that.

[irc333]

Okay, I let this thread gain some posts, now I'm going to post about an experience where I did make a move as well as kiss on a first date. Only because things were going SO well. We both went bowling (pauses to see idiots post about how lame it was for me to take her to a bowling alley).

 

She was smiling at me continuously while we were taking turns bowling, talking and getting close.

 

We were walking out to the parking lot, and she was actually leaning on me as we were walking, and I put my arm around her waste. As I walked with her, we stopped, and then she was smiling at me as if she were waiting on me to kiss her, and so I did. It wasn't a make out kiss, but it was long enough to do the job.

 

When I got home, she even called me to see if I made it home okay.

 

I thought it was "Magical" just like everyone else in romance novels seem to claim.

 

Then, when I tried to call her for a 2nd date....no call back, no returned IM's, nor returned emails.

 

She fell off the face of the planet. It was kind of upsetting, because I was wanting an explanation from her, because things went so well.

 

So whether you get physical on a first date, or a few dates in...it's probably even moot.

Edited September 6, 2012 by irc333

[Els]

So... lemme get this straight. You created a thread that people spent time and effort answering honestly... just to prove some point that you thought you had found out and that you know better than the 'idiots' who post answers to you?

 

Wow, awesome catch, aren't you? Every day that passes I wonder more and more why you're having so much trouble dating.

[oldshirt]

Okay, but these women I knew that were turned off by the guy, let's face it, she didn't go on a 2nd date with them FOR that reason. They were completely turned off by them getting too physical on a 1st date.

 

Let's face it, most *keyword* decent women, wouldn't let a man do that to them on a first date, and that guy would not be guaranteed a 2nd date.

 

 

Much to learn about the world you have my young padawon.

 

I'm afraid Imported was right. These same "decent women" have blown guys in parking lots, been bent over and pounde doggy style in the bathrooms of bars and have slipped into guy's dormrooms for a quicky between classes.....they just don't tell you about those instances.

 

The key factor in all of this is attraction. If they are sexually attracted to the biker in a sleezey bar she will bang him in the bathroom within 20 minutes of meeting him.

 

Conversely a perfect gentleman could take her out on a proper date and treat her with respect and dignity and be perfectly well behaved and if she isn't attracted to him and he tries to hold her hand, she will pull it away and then tell her friends that we was, "moving too fast and getting too aggressive."

 

It all boils down to attraction, chemistry and comfort. Sometimes those things happen in minutes. some times it happens in days, weeks, months.

 

In my youth I used to fall for the things women would say and I made a pledge that I wouldn't be "that guy" and wouldn't try to move too fast and I wouldn't try to bang chicks that I just met at the party or on a first date.

 

Where did it get me????? It got me going home from parties with a full tank while my buddies were getting laid and it got me friendzoned after a lot of 1st and second dates.

 

Now am I saying that guys should try to get into every woman's pants as soon as they meet or on first dates? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

 

But what I will say is that people should look people in the eye and talk to them and get to know them and let their feelings and the chemistry be their guide. if things are clicking and moving forward naturally, go with the flow and the chemistry. If someone gets to a certain level and is not comfortable with going further, stop there.

 

Don't be afraid to flirt with, tease or touch somebody if it feels right and feels like the natural thing to do. Start off light and nonintrusive (light, brief touch on a forearm or something completely nonsexual) and she pulls away or gets uncomfortable stop there. If she responds positively to it, inch forward a little if it feels natural and like the right thing to do.

 

if you move in small incremental steps and back off if someone pulls away or gets uncomfortable, you won't piss anyone off or hurt their feelings. If the chemistry and the attraction just isn't there, it ain't gonna be there 5 dates down the road either and you are both just burning up your time and energy. move on.

[irc333]

So... lemme get this straight. You created a thread that people spent time and effort answering honestly... just to prove some point that you thought you had found out and that you know better than the 'idiots' who post answers to you?

 

Wow, awesome catch, aren't you? Every day that passes I wonder more and more why you're having so much trouble dating.

 

I'm sure you're not making that much of a great sacrifice. LOL

 

Don't let my posts be an accurate representation of dating troubles. After all, it's not like I'm dating anyone who posts in these forums. One has nothing to do with the other.

[truth_seeker]

Men who have a history of nailing then bailing and binning women into buckets for 'fun' and buckets for 'relationship material' have their own issues and are to be avoided as well...

 

Not all of us look the other way when it comes to men's history either... and are very good at knowing how to turn over that rock even if he doesn't confess it.

 

Just so ya know...

 

Yes. I agree. Personally, I am not a fan of "nailing then bailing". However, if a girl I like turns out to be trouble, yeah, I will enjoy the opportunity for sex and leave her.

 

When I say trouble, I mean a girl who come to find out is a liar, a cheat, just an overall bad seed.

[irc333]

However, if a girl I like turns out to be trouble, yeah, I will enjoy the opportunity for sex and leave her.

 

This is where I differ from some men, If she looks to be a problem, I do nothing with her.

[oldshirt]

 

If the chemistry and the attraction just isn't there, it ain't gonna be there 5 dates down the road either and you are both just burning up your time and energy. move on.

 

Oh and I want to expand on this a little bit because I think you may be falling into a "nice guy" trap.

 

"nice guys" think that if they act all nicey-nice and asexual and don't try anything or show any kind of romantic/sexual interests or make any kind of romantic/sexual gestures, that some how after a certain number of dates that the lady will realise what a good guy he is and how chivalrous he is and she will then 'reward' him with her love and sexuality.

 

(I know that because I used to be a 'nice guy' and that is what I and many of my friends thought and did)

 

It just doesn't work that way. All that does is gets you in the friendzone at best and makes you look like a manipulative, scheeming little pr!ck at worst.

 

Women want love and intimacy and passion and adventure and orgasms just as much as guys. They just want it to happen naturally and without trying to force things along.

 

Most women are simply not sexually attracted to most men. Most men will not score with most of the women they encounter. There is a lot of hit and miss and a lot of dead-ends and a lot of near-misses for both sides before they find the one(s) that click.

 

Being Mr Asexual Nice Guy for the first 5 dates will not get you laid on the 6th. Being Mr Grabby-Grab will not get you laid on the first. Being yourself, being in touch with and expressing your feelings and being respectfull and compassion of other people's feelings and comforts and letting Mother Nature take it's course can often be a win-win for everyone whether that occurs within a few legitimate dates or whether it occurs in 15 minutes at the bar.

 

Just realize that attraction and chemitry are the real keywords and some times it's there and often times it's not. If it's not there continue to try and date someone and keeping your hands to yourself isn't going to make it occur. And if it IS there, continuing to be an asexual pu$$y and keeping your hands to yourself isn't going to make it occur either.

 

Go with the flow and let Mother Nature be your guide.

Edited September 6, 2012 by oldshirt

[oaks]

Hand on thigh, or arm around waist for no reason whatsoever, or anything coming remotely close to breasts or genitalia - instant bad impression.

 

I agree with you about the last two areas, and all my first dates tend to be in public places so as well as what I think and what I think the woman I'm with might think there's also the public decency angle to consider.

 

As for putting my arm around someone for no reason... well, there would be a reason! Two reasons. Firstly, because I'd like to. Secondly, so that we can walk closer together. But it doesn't happen on all my first dates - sometimes I don't want to anyway and sometimes I'm less sure that it would be well received based on how the rest of the date has been so far.

[irc333]

To be honest, with this current woman, I'm kind of going with my gutt. I think she's pretty attracted to me (I could be wrong), but I'm letting the sexual tension build.

 

For one, she dressed sexy for our first date, just something about this woman I like, and we really click....and we both have a rather dorky sense of humor.

 

I just hope I can maintain a "balance", I just have to go with my feelings I suppose. I'm a bit guarded as well, because I don't want to get my hopes up ....which might have to do with me not acting soon enough.

 

 

 

Oh and I want to expand on this a little bit because I think you may be falling into a "nice guy" trap.

 

"nice guys" think that if they act all nicey-nice and asexual and don't try anything or show any kind of romantic/sexual interests or make any kind of romantic/sexual gestures, that some how after a certain number of dates that the lady will realise what a good guy he is and how chivalrous he is and she will then 'reward' him with her love and sexuality.

 

(I know that because I used to be a 'nice guy' and that is what I and many of my friends thought and did)

 

It just doesn't work that way. All that does is gets you in the friendzone at best and makes you look like a manipulative, scheeming little pr!ck at worst.

 

Women want love and intimacy and passion and adventure and orgasms just as much as guys. They just want it to happen naturally and without trying to force things along.

 

Most women are simply not sexually attracted to most men. Most men will not score with most of the women they encounter. There is a lot of hit and miss and a lot of dead-ends and a lot of near-misses for both sides before they find the one(s) that click.

 

Being Mr Asexual Nice Guy for the first 5 dates will not get you laid on the 6th. Being Mr Grabby-Grab will not get you laid on the first. Being yourself, being in touch with and expressing your feelings and being respectfull and compassion of other people's feelings and comforts and letting Mother Nature take it's course can often be a win-win for everyone whether that occurs within a few legitimate dates or whether it occurs in 15 minutes at the bar.

 

Just realize that attraction and chemitry are the real keywords and some times it's there and often times it's not. If it's not there continue to try and date someone and keeping your hands to yourself isn't going to make it occur. And if it IS there, continuing to be an asexual pu$$y and keeping your hands to yourself isn't going to make it occur either.

 

Go with the flow and let Mother Nature be your guide.

[grkBoy]

Frankly, you can't make a "rule" on this.

 

Some girls will be repulsed if a guy tries to touch her within three to five dates, others will be repulsed if he didn't try to get into her pants on the first date.

 

And yes...many will not let a guy touch her or anything for a long time while they'll jump into bed immediately with another.

 

In the end, you simply have to stop worrying if it's "the right time" and take a chance. I generally don't do more than a hug on a first date, but I've had some end up making out with me. Unfortunately they also became headcases.

 

I had one woman in my life literally not give me a second date because I was a gentleman to her. She's so used to guys going for sex immediately that she thought I was a coward for not trying on the first date. She's now a lonely single mom who was knocked up and abandoned by one of her past "manly men".

 

In my book, if you made it to second date, then try to touch her on the hand, arm, shoulder. If she's really into you, kiss her. Stop worrying if you are going too fast or if God will come out of the sky and rain fire on you...just do it.

 

I'd rather foul up but at least tried over losing out because I was scared to make a move.

[oldshirt]

 

I just hope I can maintain a "balance", I just have to go with my feelings I suppose. I'm a bit guarded as well, because I don't want to get my hopes up ....which might have to do with me not acting soon enough.

 

 

I'm 48 years old, married, kids, mortgage, car payments etc etc.

 

I don't regret a single rejection I endured. I don't regret making any of my desires known and having them walk away. I don't regret a single failed relationship. I don't regret making a move and having it rebuffed. I don't regret a single encounter that turned out to be a dud and both of us walked away disappointed and uninspired.

 

I don't regret any of that. What I regret are the great people I let slip away because I played it safe and sat on my hands waiting for them to take all the risks and make all the moves.

 

I regret waiting for clear and unmistakeable green lights before I made any moves (here's what I didn't know then, women make hiding their desires and lusts into an art form LOL )

 

I regret not learning about body language and voice inflections and eye contact and other non-verbal signs of interest and disinterest sooner.

 

I regret believing people's words instead of looking at their actions.

 

As I am getting over the hill and looking back on my youth I do not regret a single shot that I took and missed. It regret the shots I did not take. ( I think Wayne Gretsky said something similar but it was a bout hockey)

[GorillaTheater]

Old Shirt, I don't know that I've noticed your posts prior to the past week, and it's my loss. Great post and great points.

[oaks]

I just hope I didn't blow it in the first 9 seconds by moving too slowly.

 

Random data point (aka Scientific Fact!) I got a second date despite being a bit 'hands on' during the first one.