Cloudsolace Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Here we go THIS IS A LONG ONE! My LDR girlfriend and I have not had much time to talk the past few weeks. She has been ridiculously busy and has a mom who is very not-understanding so often she can't call me. We had a few things come up recently that we talked about on Facebook, which was difficult in itself, we didn't get mad or anything but we never talked through anything on the phone and it somehow led to an avoidable situation. I confronted her a few weeks ago about a joke she did with one of our friends where they set their relationship statuses to 'in a civil union' and I said I wasn't comfortable with it and that it bothered me. That led us into talking about how we've kept our relationship a secret from our mutual friends aside from a couple. I was hit with stuff that I didn't expect: that it would screw up her personal relationships with her friends (they're mostly all guys) and that she was no good at commitment, hates relationships because they change people, but really liked me so she was here. I wanted to talk to her on the phone about it but she on the phone with her cousin dealing with family things leading up to her trip to a funeral. I was nice about it too, told her I thought she would be surprised and was in general loving and caring about the situation and wanted to understand her better. When she hung out with her friends at night I asked her to text me, she took it as me being possessive, when in reality I just wanted to talk, not keep an eye on her. So I told her she just needed to talk to me about things that she did that may bother me. When she elaborated things she used to do with her best guy friend like spend the night, go on trips. I just needed her to talk to me about it and I would understand. It was no big deal to me because I trust her. I fear not talking on the phone about it led to a misconception. After that and me still typing, she fell asleep on me. From that day on we didn't have a chance to talk on the phone, she had a death in the family and had to fly out of state for 4 days, proceeded to get home and be busy (and around her mom) with moving to her dad's house. She gets there and has to deal with getting school setup. The nights we could've talked she fell asleep on the phone or getting ready to call, but things seemed fine I just waited for her to be more awake. I was stressed during that time with life/school too, so I probably seemed a bit frustrated, knowing we needed to talk and I needed to talk to her. I apologized for that, though. The coming week something happens with her family and then they end up having quite a few people staying at their house, she wasn't happy, I could tell. I always ask her to let me know when she's going to be busy, or to keep in touch more often, but she gets irritated by my wanting to know beforehand and asking why she didn't tell me, and I'm not sure why, it's just simple heads up. She said, "sorry I didn't keep in touch or whatever" and proceeded to disappear for three days which completely threw me off and hurt even more because she even didn't say anything on our 3 month anniversary.. I text her a lot, sometimes like 3 in a row, or I'll ask her where she's gone when I don't know after a while has passed. She began disappearing for hours about a month into the relationship, and stopped letting me know about her day beforehand. When we started dating she made the effort to do those things, we kept more in touch about our days. She has adhd and I wait hours before I send another text, trying to get her attention because I know she gets distracted easily. All she had to do was let me know she was busy, not throw one word messages at me or get mad because I didn't know anything. She told me it wasn't so much the impatience, but my texts appeared passive-aggressive.. which wasn't the intention, but in some cases her lack of response for basically an entire day frustrated me. She hates texting, and I don't really like it easier. One time she went on vacation she didn't text me basically at all for a few days (not even a goodnight), but was so happy to call me when she had a moment.. so I was okay with that. She eventually just didn't make the effort to call, though. She told me she was trying, that she didn't like the idea of having a relationship over the phone. I was trying to make it easier and more interesting as well. We texted a lot the first couple months, but she slowed it down a lot to the point where we didn't even have conversations anymore via text. I've also been in a good position to see her often when the chances arose etc. and did visit her once. Fast forward to now, she said she partly avoided talking to me, and one night I got upset about her playing Portal 2 with one of her friends first when I bought her the game and was online wanting to play. Mostly because she just stopped responding and didn't tell me why, just ignored me then went to bed, I ended up typing a lot. I told her why it made me upset and was like, "****ing calm down." She said she didn't talk/play with me because I would want to talk endlessly and I told her that she should've just been honest and told me why and I would've understood, but she just didn't respond or tell me anything that night. It hurts to be shoved aside like that by someone you love. Shortly after, things seem to have calmed down we chatted a bit even played Portal 2 for an hour over skype (she didn't have privacy so I didn't bring up anything) I gave her my support and love regarding her starting college. I asked her to call me sometime while at the school because I was excited and happy to hear about her day, and she didn't. I was legitimately concerned and I didn't even get to hear about her first day, didn't even get a goodnight. The next day I just ask her on Facebook what's going on. She tells me she was losing interest in the relationship and that I had changed. That I was overlooking the flaws, and we couldn't have a relationship on small talk and games, that I was high on the relationship and didn't care about 'her' and threw an example of her wanting to talk about something and me not listening. All of those are complete and utter misconceptions and assumptions. I didn't change, things slowed down and I didn't choose for them to. She became more distant and less attentive, I didn't. I would not pressure to open up but would always ask her what's on her mind and stressed how I wanted to get to know her so much more, to get more serious. Yet she convinced herself of all of these false assumptions about me. I knew we needed to talk, but we just didn't have the option, and she just let things pile up on her.. The lack of emotion over texting is problematic for us and I was trying my best to make it fun and not have us misread things. I looked back over our messages lately and the only time things went downhill were when she disappeared on me for hours without saying and I would ask her where she went and why she didn't let me know anything AND when we were talking and she just stopped responding without a word and I would end up being long-winded. She said she didn't want to try to fix anything anymore. But.. there was nothing to fix, only things to understand about eachother better and talk through. We are both in the position to be able to talk regularly without fault and get our communication habits balanced and comfortable for us, things that we had been waiting for and needed to do. But then this happens.. she said she would call so we could resolve it as I asked her to, but she ends up having her phone cut off for a week by her mom so that didn't help either, and that was legitimate and the truth. She has had it back for basically 2 weeks now, and still no call. She won't even try, she's too blinded by her misconceptions. I've typed stuff on Facebook, shared some blog posts with her that I typed this past week. About things I've realized, how much I truly care, was planning on closing the distance, and do love her etc. I accounted for everything that came up in the past while in these with a calm and collected head showing to her that I am still me and that these are just spawn of misreads, misunderstandings, and what happens when we can't talk truly for a few weeks other than slight texting. It all comes down to miscommunications and not talking through things before they became a problem to one of us, and that's really how it all happened. She really did underestimate how much I truly want to understand her and be there for who she is. I'm just going to completely leave her alone now and hope she realizes it and how much I truly care and love her. I could make the distance so, so, SO very much easier.. because I literally would be able to see her at least twice a month and that's just in my current situation - she knows that now. One of my friends gave me great perspective because he deals with things like her - forgets to do things in his relationship, and creates problems in his mind that aren't true then avoids talking about them. He says the best thing for people like her is to just leave her alone to realize it and ponder all I've said. I think her ADHD plays a big role too. I would also like to note that she hasn't deleted me from anything and has seen my messages/blog.. and still has my jacket. I'm holding on to hope here, but attempting to move on at the same time. If she comes back sometime, then I will be there for her with forgiving and loving arms, but I can't just sit around and mope as hard as it is. Thoughts? If I was unclear on anything let me know! I edited this post a lot.
aisle_seat Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) A couple of things strike me but the biggest is probably that you both are too young (17 - 18, right?) to be trying to make a LDR work. No offense and there's nothing wrong with giving it a go, but it just sounds like you're ready for heavy commitment and she is not. Lots of family drama in her life, she's starting college, she has her friends she wants to hang out with...nothing unusual about any of that in that age bracket. I wouldn't say you've done anything wrong but, again at her age, she may be feeling a lot of commitment pressure from you that she may have first thought she was ready for but now realizes she's not. If I were you, I'd let her go. Stop emailing, FBing, texting, etc. Live your life. That's really going to be hard for you, but the reality is she's in control right now because you're giving her options. Stop doing that. If she misses you, wants to continue and work on the relationship, she'll contact you then you'll have options. If she doesn't then you'll know where her head is at and believe me, the worse thing for you emotionally is to try and build a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. Oh, I forgot to add: She does not have any misconceptions about you. That is her way of shifting blame back to you for why she's lost interest. Some of the issues may be valid, some not, but the red flag is her not wanting to talk about anything. Edited September 5, 2012 by aisle_seat
Author Cloudsolace Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 A couple of things strike me but the biggest is probably that you both are too young (17 - 18, right?) to be trying to make a LDR work. No offense and there's nothing wrong with giving it a go, but it just sounds like you're ready for heavy commitment and she is not. Lots of family drama in her life, she's starting college, she has her friends she wants to hang out with...nothing unusual about any of that in that age bracket. I wouldn't say you've done anything wrong but, again at her age, she may be feeling a lot of commitment pressure from you that she may have first thought she was ready for but now realizes she's not. If I were you, I'd let her go. Stop emailing, FBing, texting, etc. Live your life. That's really going to be hard for you, but the reality is she's in control right now because you're giving her options. Stop doing that. If she misses you, wants to continue and work on the relationship, she'll contact you then you'll have options. If she doesn't then you'll know where her head is at and believe me, the worse thing for you emotionally is to try and build a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. Oh, I forgot to add: She does not have any misconceptions about you. That is her way of shifting blame back to you for why she's lost interest. Some of the issues may be valid, some not, but the red flag is her not wanting to talk about anything. I do believe you're right about the commitment part, I mean she did say she was no good at it after all and didn't like possessiveness. I didn't expect that to come up at the time. We didn't have the chance to finish talking through that conversation, though. You're correct about the ages, though I'm 20. Well, there were a few times when she could talk, one in particular but she fell asleep charging her phone. She was so nice about it in the morning too, but the next two times she fell asleep before we could get in depth so I kept it relaxing. (Literally 2 days before she disappeared for 3 days then was unable to call at night because of family and kids in the house for over a week) Most of her lack of being able to talk was not her fault, I know that for a fact. It was literally one thing after another, trip, mom, family coming over, even no privacy, then her having her phone disconnected. We went from getting to talk 3 or 4 times a week on the phone to nearly none, right when we had important things about each other to talk through. She really did let things pile up on her, and it does feel like she's shifting the blame. I will leave her alone, if anything space is what will make her come around and realize things, if at all. Thanks for the reply!
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