Having feelings again for ex-girlfriend, but still in the same place :(

[swirlyq]

I (m) met my ex-girlfriend last year, and was in a ldr with her for about 8 months. I will start out by saying that I love her and care for her very much. We went through incredible ups and downs in the relationship and have worked out many difficulties while we were together. She visited me earlier this year for about 4 days. She understands me like no one else I've ever met, and she makes me feel like i can accomplish anything in life. Needless to say, she is a very positive person for me and this is what I am attracted to the most about her. She definitely loves me very much and would move to where I live, for us to be together.

 

So the biggest reason that I had hesitation in the past, is that I am not physically attracted to her. And I actually feel bad for feeling that way, because I am not a superficial guy. I broke it off with her earlier this year by saying that I didn't feel the same way about her. We were both very sad that it had come to an end. However, we've been able to stay really close friends, and I'm proud to say she has become my best friend at the moment. Recently, we have been getting closer because she is such a positive presence for me. We have also started phone-sex again, since the last time we did that, we had not broken up by then.

 

I'm confident to say the good outweigh the bad. I don't feel 100% about her, simply because I am not head-over-heels attracted to her. She has cute qualities, but I am not gushing. I feel like the physical things shouldn't matter and its the inside that counts. Which, her inside is amazing btw. But I'm very scared I will be upset with myself if I find that I become unattracted to her if we are to be in a relationship again. And I don't want her to visit here again or move here and have that happen. I also don't want to lose her as a friend, because she has been a fantastic person for me.

 

I wish I knew how important the physical thing is for me, but I just don't know. Any advice?

[TMichaels]

How old are the two of you?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[youngnlove89]

I (m) met my ex-girlfriend last year, and was in a ldr with her for about 8 months. I will start out by saying that I love her and care for her very much. We went through incredible ups and downs in the relationship and have worked out many difficulties while we were together. She visited me earlier this year for about 4 days. She understands me like no one else I've ever met, and she makes me feel like i can accomplish anything in life. Needless to say, she is a very positive person for me and this is what I am attracted to the most about her. She definitely loves me very much and would move to where I live, for us to be together.

 

So the biggest reason that I had hesitation in the past, is that I am not physically attracted to her. And I actually feel bad for feeling that way, because I am not a superficial guy. I broke it off with her earlier this year by saying that I didn't feel the same way about her. We were both very sad that it had come to an end. However, we've been able to stay really close friends, and I'm proud to say she has become my best friend at the moment. Recently, we have been getting closer because she is such a positive presence for me. We have also started phone-sex again, since the last time we did that, we had not broken up by then.

 

I'm confident to say the good outweigh the bad. I don't feel 100% about her, simply because I am not head-over-heels attracted to her. She has cute qualities, but I am not gushing. I feel like the physical things shouldn't matter and its the inside that counts. Which, her inside is amazing btw. But I'm very scared I will be upset with myself if I find that I become unattracted to her if we are to be in a relationship again. And I don't want her to visit here again or move here and have that happen. I also don't want to lose her as a friend, because she has been a fantastic person for me.

 

I wish I knew how important the physical thing is for me, but I just don't know. Any advice?

 

 

This literally sounds like my ex. We were long distance for 8 months, I moved to the city to be near him and then he broke up with me in January but we stayed together and continued the "relationship" and became best friends but still continued to act like bf/gf. when he broke up with me he couldn't give me a valid reason except that "I'm 95% the one, but something is missing" I always wondered if it were because he wasn't fully attracted to me. But I don't know. Now that I see your post, I conclude it probably was.

 

Let her go. Please. Don't hold onto her. You will only hurt her. Trust me, it hurts so bad that my ex keeps me around because I'm his best friend and we have amazing chemistry together. But he reminds me everyday that something is missing. It hurts like hell. He still continues to kiss me, cuddle me, says he loves me, we laugh, we have a good time, we have sex and we spend all of our free time together. But it hurts because he will never be mine in the way of a boyfriend or future husband.

 

Let her heal. Then maybe you can be friends. If you really love her, let her go. Because you will never have those feelings for her and you will only hurt her more if you continue to lead her on.

[swirlyq]

How old are the two of you?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

We are both around 30 years old.

[swirlyq]

Thank you for the response youngnlove, and I understand what you are saying about keeping someone around. I know that if I was not in a relationship with someone, I would not continue to cuddle, kiss, have sex and say that I love them. Even though I may still want to do those things, and they may be true, it would be like taking them as hostage. And that would make me feel bad.

 

But what if I do love her very much? Only, I don't feel that strong passion for her that I've felt with other gf's I've had. And with some gf's who were attractive, that passion went away when I realized how crazy they were. But I'm confident she is not crazy. She makes me feel amazing about myself and helps me with things I want to better my own life. A big part of me feels it's not about what someone looks like, but the passion is just not there. I'm still young and am not at a place where I can understand how important passion is. I know that nothing is perfect, but something is missing in it for me. And I also feel that I've never had a relationship with this type of chemistry, and I want to give it a shot. But I don't know if she will make me happy, and I feel like i can't make this decision on my own

[youngnlove89]

Thank you for the response youngnlove, and I understand what you are saying about keeping someone around. I know that if I was not in a relationship with someone, I would not continue to cuddle, kiss, have sex and say that I love them. Even though I may still want to do those things, and they may be true, it would be like taking them as hostage. And that would make me feel bad.

 

But what if I do love her very much? Only, I don't feel that strong passion for her that I've felt with other gf's I've had. And with some gf's who were attractive, that passion went away when I realized how crazy they were. But I'm confident she is not crazy. She makes me feel amazing about myself and helps me with things I want to better my own life. A big part of me feels it's not about what someone looks like, but the passion is just not there. I'm still young and am not at a place where I can understand how important passion is. I know that nothing is perfect, but something is missing in it for me. And I also feel that I've never had a relationship with this type of chemistry, and I want to give it a shot. But I don't know if she will make me happy, and I feel like i can't make this decision on my own

 

I think you are afraid. This girl is something different than what you are used to. And that can be scary.

 

Now you have to ask yourself what is it you want? Do you want someone who makes you feel good about yourself, that you can laugh with, who makes you happy and has cute tendencies? Or do you want someone who is Megan-Fox-Sexy and ditzy and then turns psycho? Attraction or Personality? what do you want more?

 

Maybe give yourself some time without her. And in that time you will see if you really do have feelings for her or not.

 

When you guys hungout what do you do? Are you more just friends or do you treat her like a gf?

[swirlyq]

She is very different than what I am used to, for sure. To answer your questions, I am more interested in someone who makes me feel good about myself.

 

We gave some time apart, which was said in my initial post. But recently we've been getting closer again, and it's getting to the point where a decision has to happen real soon. Additionally, it is a long distance relationship, so when we talk, we are very close, and do talk as bf/gf.

 

She visited last year and it felt okay when we were out in public. I was not embarrassed or wondering what other people thought. I was more focused and excited being with her. The more I talk about it with friends and family, the more I'm leaning towards giving it another shot. But there's always that doubt and fear of lack of passion. And also, I really don't want to get rid of someone who I've found that has been the best listener and has understood so well as she has.

[justwhoiam]

Why the phone sex thing if you're not attracted to her? You're using her like that. Not good.

[youngnlove89]

She is very different than what I am used to, for sure. To answer your questions, I am more interested in someone who makes me feel good about myself.

 

We gave some time apart, which was said in my initial post. But recently we've been getting closer again, and it's getting to the point where a decision has to happen real soon. Additionally, it is a long distance relationship, so when we talk, we are very close, and do talk as bf/gf.

 

She visited last year and it felt okay when we were out in public. I was not embarrassed or wondering what other people thought. I was more focused and excited being with her. The more I talk about it with friends and family, the more I'm leaning towards giving it another shot. But there's always that doubt and fear of lack of passion. And also, I really don't want to get rid of someone who I've found that has been the best listener and has understood so well as she has.

 

 

Embarrassed? You make her sound like she is an ugly whale or something?

 

Your situation is very confusing. If you want a connection vs attraction, then I don't understand why you are questioning this relationship? She gives you that connection.

 

Obviously there is some sort of attraction there because if their weren't then you would have no problems with just being a friend to this girl. All my friends and I have a great connection, their great listeners, yada yada, but there is no attraction so that is why they are just a friend.

 

Fear is a strong emotion, it can ruin a relationship. Let go of that fear. You are setting up this relationship for failure by holding onto fear. Relax, be happy, let it happen.

[head/heels]

This quote is the truth: "Let her go. Please. Don't hold onto her. You will only hurt her. Trust me, it hurts so bad that my ex keeps me around because I'm his best friend and we have amazing chemistry together. But he reminds me everyday that something is missing. It hurts like hell. He still continues to kiss me, cuddle me, says he loves me, we laugh, we have a good time, we have sex and we spend all of our free time together. But it hurts because he will never be mine in the way of a boyfriend or future husband."

.

I have been in your situation for 7 years to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is everything that I could have hoped and dream for in a woman. But I wasnt attracted to her from the start. I mean I was attracted to her enough that I wanted to learn more about her but soon after meeting her our sexual chemistry exploded (no pun intended) and it clouded my judgement because how can something so wonderful be wrong. So I stuck with it over a long distance relationship and have hoped that the feelings would change once we closed the gap on the distance. She loved me completely and endlessly and knew that I was not in the same boat on this. However, she, like me, held out hope that I would come around. Unfortunately, as time has passed I have become less attracted to her (it hurts to even type this as I love and respect her so much) and I ended the relationship.

.

I have been in turmoil (which is why I am on here) for the 2months prior to the break up and the 2months since. I am conflicted how I can care so much about someone, know that I will never find someone as awesome as her and ache to know that she is moving on (and rightfully so). It is almost like I was dumped with how badly it has affected me. Ive lost 10lbs, sleep too much, have trouble concentrating...but this is not my thread (sorry!)...

.

I write this to show that all cases are different and so is yours. I cannot tell you how it will turn out. I will tell you this. The last reply about fear is correct. If you have fear and let it lead you in this relationship you are wasting your time, her time and you each day you dont end it is building up more and more pain that you two will suffer in the end. You have to be all in or all out. Half-sees (sp?) wont cut it unless you are looking for a relationship which is one-sided (where she loves you like you need and want to be loved but you cant give your all to her- it is no way to live and she deserves better). If I could do it all over again I would have ended it before I started having feelings for her. I made a mistake and it is costing me dearly now. Dont make this same mistake. So think long and hard if you want to try this relationship because it has huge ramifications on each of your happiness. PM me if you want more details as I would have loved for someone to have have been there for me to sound off on back in the beginning.

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God Bless and we are here when you need us.

[youngnlove89]

This quote is the truth: "Let her go. Please. Don't hold onto her. You will only hurt her. Trust me, it hurts so bad that my ex keeps me around because I'm his best friend and we have amazing chemistry together. But he reminds me everyday that something is missing. It hurts like hell. He still continues to kiss me, cuddle me, says he loves me, we laugh, we have a good time, we have sex and we spend all of our free time together. But it hurts because he will never be mine in the way of a boyfriend or future husband."

.

I have been in your situation for 7 years to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is everything that I could have hoped and dream for in a woman. But I wasnt attracted to her from the start. I mean I was attracted to her enough that I wanted to learn more about her but soon after meeting her our sexual chemistry exploded (no pun intended) and it clouded my judgement because how can something so wonderful be wrong. So I stuck with it over a long distance relationship and have hoped that the feelings would change once we closed the gap on the distance. She loved me completely and endlessly and knew that I was not in the same boat on this. However, she, like me, held out hope that I would come around. Unfortunately, as time has passed I have become less attracted to her (it hurts to even type this as I love and respect her so much) and I ended the relationship.

.

I have been in turmoil (which is why I am on here) for the 2months prior to the break up and the 2months since. I am conflicted how I can care so much about someone, know that I will never find someone as awesome as her and ache to know that she is moving on (and rightfully so). It is almost like I was dumped with how badly it has affected me. Ive lost 10lbs, sleep too much, have trouble concentrating...but this is not my thread (sorry!)...

.

I write this to show that all cases are different and so is yours. I cannot tell you how it will turn out. I will tell you this. The last reply about fear is correct. If you have fear and let it lead you in this relationship you are wasting your time, her time and you each day you dont end it is building up more and more pain that you two will suffer in the end. You have to be all in or all out. Half-sees (sp?) wont cut it unless you are looking for a relationship which is one-sided (where she loves you like you need and want to be loved but you cant give your all to her- it is no way to live and she deserves better). If I could do it all over again I would have ended it before I started having feelings for her. I made a mistake and it is costing me dearly now. Dont make this same mistake. So think long and hard if you want to try this relationship because it has huge ramifications on each of your happiness. PM me if you want more details as I would have loved for someone to have have been there for me to sound off on back in the beginning.

.

God Bless and we are here when you need us.

 

 

This makes me even more confused? So you love this girl, she is everything you wanted, she makes you happy, you are miserable without her YET you still chose to move on from her?

 

WHY?! I don't get it.

 

I'm losing hope now.

[head/heels]

younglove89,

 

SO sorry to add more confusion to you life and situation. Everything you said is 100% correct. But I have more as to WHY.

.

At the very core, here is why: I had to make a choice between living my life settling for someone that I could, as I see it and believe me I have thought about all the ways that I may have achieved it over the past 5months+, never feel fully in love with or grace each of us with the gift and chance of a truly happy relationship. I only wished I had done it sooner before I started to love her and before I realized that she was one in a million. Believe me, I know how stupid it sounds and that is why I am having such a hard time dealing with it. But at my heart and core I know that I did the right thing for each of us. She deserves someone that finds her unbelievably beautiful and I am sure that there will be plenty of guys that do. She is a good looking woman. However, she is not attractive to me and that is what is important to me. I am battling with feeling shallow/an ******* and have done so for months. I have to understand what my values are in my relationships and attraction is now obvious to me to be in the top 5. I did not know that coming into the relationship but I know now that it is crucial to me and that is okay. I have to accept that or I will do the same in the future and hurt someone that I truly love and think the world of. I will never do it again.

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Do I wish I could turn back time and either change the way I invested into the relationship (more) or end it before it became so much more to me than FWB...Do I have extreme guilt that I took 7 years from her, gave her a relationship that she likely never felt comfortable in her position and was loved and treated like I was a king-->YES!!! But I have to deal with that and continuing to date her out of convenience, ease, no other options, moving to a new location for a new job without friends (except her) would only have delayed the inevitable and caused (if even possible) more suffering on each of our parts.

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In summary, I can look at this from the perspective of "I will never find someone else as remarkable as her" and "I will regret this for the rest of my life" but instead I have to focus on the fact that I gave each of us a chance to be truly happy, to truly love and be loved, to experience life like it was meant to be lived: free, without fear and in total control of your reality. I can never look back and regret my decision, even if I never love again, because I could not keep her from being loved like she deserves. I also know that if I stayed in the relationship against my inner preferences I would be living an unhappy lie and in 30yrs I would look back and regret my life. I dont think she would want to live in a relationship like that and I certainly do not.

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It is hard being alone, new town, no nearby friends but I have relied on family, friends, new friends and the good people on LS. I have learned from her, the relationship and one day I hope that we can be friends again. But this is unlikely and a long way off if we were to be. I, in my heart, want her to heal as quickly as possible, find love from someone who truly, fully adores and cherishes her for who she is and start a family. It is hard to type that but I know that is what I want for her because that is what she wants. Now I have to move on and find someone that i feel the same about.

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So, I guess i semi-hijacked your thread but that is why I did the hardest thing I am sure that I will ever have to do barring life/death decisions that I hope I never have to make. It sucks, I miss the hell out of her but going back with her for any other reason than I love her and am in love with her and want to give her everything that she ever desired would be misguided.

[swirlyq]

Thank you for your input youngnlove89 and head/heals. Head/heals I don't have the option to PM anyone yet. It seems I need to be more active on the forums first. But I would very much like to speak with you regarding this. It seems I can relate to many things in your responses. Is there an alternative way for us to communicate privately?

[head/heels]

Barring putting my email on this website (bad idea) I am not sure....anyone else know of a way that we can privately talk about this? How long or how many posts does one have to have before he/she can use the PM function?

[swirlyq]

I don't know, I was thinking of posting my AIM name since i don't use it at all and editing it by taking it out, after you message me there. Wondering if there's a better way ofcourse.

[head/heels]

lets do it, throw up your aim and I will read it and re-message you that I have it so you can then edit it out.