Reminem Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I met this girl 2 years ago, we were friends for the first year at the time I knew she had a bf but didn't care since she was just a friend. She had been dating him for about 3 years on and off he was very abusive psychologically and even physically. They broke up and didn't have any contact for months after that. We started talking and spending a lot of time together, long story short we got together. At the time I lived but an hour drive from work and needed to move, and she was about to start school and needed to move as well. She had the idea of moving in together into and needed to move as well. She had the idea of moving in together into a 2 bed 2 bath apartment (her dad was going to pay for her half of the rent and thats what he wanted). The apartment was located perfectly in the middle from my job and her school and was also good on my wallet since now bills and rent was cut in half. Everything was great, she kept telling me i was the one and how happy she was to be with me and that i treat her like nobody shes ever been with. But after 6 months she broke up with me and said she kept thinking about her ex and that we were moving too fast. Of course that destroyed me, but I just couldn't "give up on her". So I stayed and after just 3 weeks she broke up with her ex because she found out she was cheating on her. We got back together, and this time it was even better than the first time she said she loved me and it was very strong. She left for a 2 week vacation and was calling me and texting me like every hour that made me feel great, but 3-4 days before she was supposed to come back she stopped calling/texting so immediately I sense something is up, and I call/text but no response for almost two days. When she finally answers she said she didn't say much so I knew exactly what happened, she talked to her ex. So I asked her when she talked to him, and she said that yes she talked to him. So I ask her if we were done and if she got back with him. Her response was that she wants to get back with him. She came back just a few days ago and I confronted her about it again and she said that they are back together. I left a few details out to make it brief but this is the big picture. I love this girl to death but the problem I'm facing is that I'm legally responsible of course for the remaining of the apartment lease (3 more months). So if I move out I can't pay 3 months rent plus a new rent for wherever I go. Moving out is the most obvious option but at the same time I feel like I'm giving up on her since I love her so much. I know their relationship is not going to last and she's going to get hurt (hopefully he never lays a hand on her again) but when they do break up I won't be able to be there for her like I was the first time. I know it doesn't make sense but in a weird way it does to me. So I dont know if I should move out and cut contact with her and see what happens or stay here until the lease it's over and try to hang in there. Her ex doesn't live here he's in the military and lives on the other side of the country so he wouldn't be living here though he would probably come for a weekend once in a while like the first time (she told me when he was coming so decided to go stay with friends because I couldn't stand seeing him). But just the fact that we live together of course it's extremely hard to move on and try to forget her if I have to see her everyday.
Calico Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Part of me thinks that women who claim to have been "physically" and (especially) "psychologically abused" by their most recent ex are something one should really stay clear of. Even if it's true (and often no doubt it is), what you get is basically "damaged goods". That sounds horrible, I know, but I think women (or really, anyone) who experience this need therapy and/or time rather than a new relationship shortly after the traumatic events. It's also difficult to be with someone like this because you acquire this intense sense of responsibility, the urge to protect, and the fuzzy warm feelings of being "really needed". That sucks you right in and creates a dependency that is bound to come back to haunt you (as it does now). And I'm not sure you wouldn't be there for her when and if they break up again. You're sucked in. I may have missed that (it was a large block of text), but why can't she move out? It's your place and it was her decision to go back to her ex. It's not your responsibility to keep her housed and deal with the pain on top of it. It's his job to take care of her (actually, it's her own job), not yours. You helped her once, you weren't really paid back kindly. So why are you still doing this? I think many of us guys really need a kitten instead of a woman.
CptSaveAho Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I think many of us guys really need a kitten instead of a woman. Thanks for the laugh, I stained my hero uniform snorting milk out of my nose reading this. 1
Author Reminem Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Sorry about the big block test, wrote it on my phone. Thanks for your point of view. And to answer your question she can't move out because we both signed the lease. So the apartments it's just as mine as its hers. So if one of us goes the other will have to pay full rent which we can't afford on our own.
Calico Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 That sucks. Well, if there is no way out, then you have to go through it. I don't envy you, and this won't be easy. I would definitely stick to the rule that he does not visit or sleep there as long as you still live with her. If she doesn't agree, she (or he) can pay your rent so that you can move out before the three months. Moving on is "fine". Avoidable cruelty is not. Granted, you may not actually have the moral right to ask that (certainly not a legal right), but to hell with that, if she cares one bit for you, then she'll honor your request. If not, then it's further evidence that she's not worth the love you feel for her and that may help you see through the mist of misplaced love (I'm working on that too, you're not alone). It'll be hard. I wish you all the strength you need to get through that hellish time. Remember that it's probably good that this happens now and not in another year or two or ten, when you have invested even more. There's only little comfort in that thought, but people are who they are and the sooner you learn how consistent their feelings are, how much you can depend on them, and how stable they are in their relationships, the better it is for you.
prettylittlethings Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Thanks for the laugh, I stained my hero uniform snorting milk out of my nose reading this. We are kittens. meow. Some of us can be tigers, REOWR! We purr when you're nice and our claws come out when you hurt us. Some of us love to play games. We walk away but we're secretly watching to see if you're going to chase us. We kittens are complicated creatures. 1
Exit Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Welll my eyes were crossed by the time I got done reading all the "she got back with him, got back with me, got back with him, got back with me, wants him back now but I think I might stick around to see if she eventually wants to get back with me". I realize there are two dilemmas here. The emotional one and the practical one. Emotionally: Be done with it. There is no reason to be with someone who goes back and forth like this. She does not love you or value you if she can behave this way, no matter how "being in love" tries to convince you otherwise. There should not be another chance waiting for this girl when she changes her mind again. I know it's hard when you are wrapped up in the addictive quality of love, but be done. Practically: If it's going to be an absolute struggle to leave right now, suck it up and stay. Live separate lives. It's great that it's a two bed two bath place. You can be roommates who don't talk to each other. You can survive until the end of the lease that way. If you can possibly afford anything else and can get out of your half of the lease, bail. If neither of you can afford to pay for the rent alone, then find a roommate to take your place. You need to get out of this guilty mindset where you say things like "if I move out I feel like I gave up on her". That's exactly what you should be doing. She gave up on you multiple times already. You don't owe her anything, you don't need to wait this out, you don't need to wait for the miraculous day that her heart finally makes a decision. Someone who treats you like this deserves to be given up on.
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