Should I contact him again? 4 months later

[gomea]

My ex and i have been broken up for about 4 months now and we were gonna try to do the let's be friends thing. He broke up with me because we was leaving, he's in the military and didnt want to deal with long distance relationship. Few days after we broke up, things are good, i was still hurting of course but i was trying my best to stay in his life as his friend. UNTIL he deleted me on facebook and i was confused why. I asked him about it but he said it was an accident and that i was pushing him away by asking all these questions. I found out later through this one other guy that he was back with his ex..this is about 4 days after we broke up. I felt my heart got stabbed a million times and i got slapped in the face. I was more hurt than angry. I went back and forth into whether or not contacting him and confronting him about it but decided not to say anything. We havent talked since that day i asked him why he deleted me on facebook.

 

Here we are 4 months later and i am missing him so much. I found out that him and his ex are broken up again. I dunno if they are back together again. But i dont know why i am willing to just forget what he did to me and i still want to talk to him again. Should i? I think a lot before i do something but this time, i almost just wanna say Eff it and just do what i want to do. Im so confused. Ive been crying my eyes out every night. Im even blaming myself that if only i continued talking to him, he'd know how sincere i was when i said we can be friends. I feel like right now he's thinking that im full of ***t because i suddenly just stopped talking to him. Help!

 

PS: i dont know if he knows about what he did (getting back together with his ex).

[Calico]

If he dumped you, then no, you should not contact him. He knows where to find you and if he doesn't contact you, he's not interested. He seems to have been pretty blunt with you, so there is no reason to believe that he would not do this if he felt like it.

 

It's probably very tempting for you to seize the opportunity and jump into the gap caused by his possible break-up with the other woman. But do you really want to be that? A gap filler? The backup plan? Do you only want him to pay attention to you only because no one "better" is around? How would that make you feel? Where was he when you hurt the past few months? He was having fun with the woman and you suffered. And what when (not "if") he finds someone new again? Wait for the next "temp job" to become available?

 

Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better. Stop waiting and let it go. Life awaits you, and it's in front of you, not behind you.

[gomea]

If he dumped you, then no, you should not contact him. He knows where to find you and if he doesn't contact you, he's not interested. He seems to have been pretty blunt with you, so there is no reason to believe that he would not do this if he felt like it.

 

It's probably very tempting for you to seize the opportunity and jump into the gap caused by his possible break-up with the other woman. But do you really want to be that? A gap filler? The backup plan? Do you only want him to pay attention to you only because no one "better" is around? How would that make you feel? Where was he when you hurt the past few months? He was having fun with the woman and you suffered. And what when (not "if") he finds someone new again? Wait for the next "temp job" to become available?

 

Don't do this to yourself. You deserve better. Stop waiting and let it go. Life awaits you, and it's in front of you, not behind you.

 

I cried reading your advice Calico. Thank you so much! Sometimes when I'm feeling weak, i feel i need someone to knock some sense into my brain and not let me be controlled by my emotions. Everything you said is true. I just hate that im almost willing to just settle and be a "gap filler" just so he can remain in my life again. Do you think it was a good idea that I just ignored him after I found out what he did instead of confronting him? I know its been 4 months, a part of me wants him to know that I know what he did.

[Calico]

Do you think it was a good idea that I just ignored him after I found out what he did instead of confronting him? I know its been 4 months, a part of me wants him to know that I know what he did.

 

As someone who asked his ex (who had cheated on me for months before I learned of it) too many questions and got all the answers that he foolishly wanted, I think your approach is better. I also got plenty of "explanations", most of which were about what I did wrong. So in spite of what my mind told me, I felt even more strongly that it was all my fault, which caused an extra dose of despair, self-blame and wishing I had done this or that differently in the past.

 

Your ex sounds like someone who might do that to you and then you'd just hurt more. I think what many of us do is to project our feelings and fears on our ex partners, and somehow believe that they feel and think the same as we do. Chances are, though, that they have moved on and don't care anymore, or at least not nearly as much as we do, and not half as often. He hasn't really made any attempt in four months, so what are the odds that it matters to him?

 

If you were just a week or two away from the events, I'd say to confront him, just to get it out of your system so that you don't suffocate on it. But after several months I wouldn't voluntarily throw myself back to square one. It's just not likely that he'll say, "Hey, hon, I'm really sorry for what I did and I'd love to get back together with you and become stronger than we were before!". You'd not be in this situation if he felt that way.

[gomea]

As someone who asked his ex (who had cheated on me for months before I learned of it) too many questions and got all the answers that he foolishly wanted, I think your approach is better. I also got plenty of "explanations", most of which were about what I did wrong. So in spite of what my mind told me, I felt even more strongly that it was all my fault, which caused an extra dose of despair, self-blame and wishing I had done this or that differently in the past.

 

Your ex sounds like someone who might do that to you and then you'd just hurt more. I think what many of us do is to project our feelings and fears on our ex partners, and somehow believe that they feel and think the same as we do. Chances are, though, that they have moved on and don't care anymore, or at least not nearly as much as we do, and not half as often. He hasn't really made any attempt in four months, so what are the odds that it matters to him?

 

If you were just a week or two away from the events, I'd say to confront him, just to get it out of your system so that you don't suffocate on it. But after several months I wouldn't voluntarily throw myself back to square one. It's just not likely that he'll say, "Hey, hon, I'm really sorry for what I did and I'd love to get back together with you and become stronger than we were before!". You'd not be in this situation if he felt that way.

 

Funny you mentioned that my ex seemed like someone who would put the blame on me or atleast make me feel like it was my fault. The way he treated me even while in a relationship, im almost positive that i would feel the same way you did when u asked ur ex for explanation. I mean in the end he did tell me I was the one pushing him away when all i wanted to know was why he deleted me on facebook.

 

I was doing good in terms of progress but I dont know why i keep going back questioning my actions thinking whether or not i did the right thing. As of right now, im back to almost the beginning stages of the break up wishing i had done this or done that. If only I had done this or that then maybe he had an idea of how strongly i felt for him.

 

Im in denial too. I cant accept the fact that i wasnt good enough for him. That he really chose someone over me. I justified a lot of his actions towards me and why he isnt doing the typical things a bf would do and seeing that he is capable of that as ive seen how he treats his ex or gf or whatever she is. It hurts like no other.