mpa Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 So I just re-joined facebook after having de-activated for the last few months so I wouldn't stalk my ex (I deleted him as a friend prior to de-activating). I took a hot new picture and have gotten a ton of likes on it, so was feeling pretty good. Then I was poking around some pages and came across some of his friends, and just based on what they've been up to I've determined that my ex is seeing someone, someone who I knew existed in his life but never asked about because I was too afraid to know what their friendship consisted of. This girl causes me so much anxiety, and I don't even know for sure anything is going on. She also lives 500 miles away so I really don't think anything can happen with them long-term. I've now deleted all of the people I met through him so at least I won't be able to go back for follow ups, but this is driving me crazy. I know it shouldn't matter and 3 months later I shouldn't be worrying about what he's up to. I KNOW all of that. I just can't stop thinking about it!!
Calico Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 It'll take some time before those feelings fade. These acute emotions and pain weren't caused by the girl, but by your poking around. If it had not been her, it would have been someone else -- if not now, then later. It's really very tempting to do this, but it's bound to backfire and cause tremendous pain. It's no different from asking questions when you know that you don't really want to know the answer. Not doing this requires self-discipline and it's worth spending some time and effort on it, before it becomes a compulsive behavior. I mentioned that somewhere else, but years ago I had an alcohol issue and it got to the point where I had to do something about it because it took over my whole life. I did it "cold turkey" and without professional assistance (very dangerous, I don't recommend it). The sensations, thoughts and feelings I experienced during the withdrawal were very similar to what I experience in my current break-up situation. The compulsive and obsessive thought patterns, as well as the seemingly "logical reasons" that pop up in your mind for why you should do something that really isn't helpful or good for you, are nearly identical in structure and nature. It's actually an intriguing experience (one I could do happily without!). The solution, therefore, is probably the same too: You have to let it wash over you. You have to sit there and use your mind, practice self-discipline, and resist the urges. It's not easy. In fact, it's hell. But there is no way out, so you have to go through instead. The good news? It does get better in time.
Author mpa Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 That's a very interesting comparison. And you're right, it does require discipline. It took me a while to feel like I was ready to get back on facebook. I had to first put a conscious effort into not checking his online dating profile, or checking throughout the day to see if he's on chat. I came a long way and can handle that now, and I don't want to hide forever. What you said though about it being another girl if not this girl - I kind of wish it was another girl. This particular girl existed before I did, which is making me question whether I should have been concerned about her the whole time. If it was just a new girl he met since we broke up, I think that would be easier to take. I don't know, it all sucks no matter what the circumstances.
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