bluefairy812 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 hi all: long story short. i'm 26, he's 24. we loved each other from the moment we met. we were both each others first real adult relationships aside from high school. we lived together for 3.5 years. were together for 4 years. we grew apart. things like school, friends, living our lives unfortunately came in between us. we had major fights for months. he threw up a red flag about a year ago saying he didn't see me in his future and yet we decided to still pursue our relationship by taking it one step at a time. we had one major last fight and i called it off and left (also packed my things). one week later i came back asking to work it out. he said no. he doesnt see me in his future, isn't in love with me anymore and wants to live his life. he asked to be friends. 4 weeks later, i'm still in contact with him and i realized i was hurting myself and couldnt be friends. i deleted my fb and removed him from instagram. he questioned it and i explained. all he is doing now is partying, drinking and hanging out with his female coworkers. 8 weeks after the breakup and 4 weeks of no contact, i'm not over it. being that its been 4 years. i love him to death. but all he is doing he contacting me with breadcrumbs!!! (i stopped talking to him cold turkey 4 weeks ago)! he texts me with "i hope all is well" at 2:30am and "please dont get upset i'm contacting you i'm just wanting to say hi and let you know your in my thoughts and i hope your ok" at 7am! he even called me last night at 11pm. i keep ignorning EVERYTHING. and NOW today he texts me with "why are you ignorning my calls? i thought we were going to be civil and keep in touch". I DONT UNDERSTAND. IF HE doesn't see me in his future and had the last word on not wanting to work it out, what is going on? i would take him back the moment he says he misses me and wants me back. but obviously, using the NC rule, he is more concerned about me ignorning him rather than getting back with me... please help. i'm hopeless. his messages keep throwing me off and confusing me.
Mike_d Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 you are not hearing the words that matter to you, he's just trying to hang on to you so that he doesn't have to go through all the emotional pain he feels without you. you are in the dreaded friendzone. you can keep ignorning as you are (good for you) or you can respond with 'unless you have something to discuss about how you see our relationship moving forward it is best for me that you stop all contact as I've explained. please respect my wishes'. not mean, but direct and strong willed. anything wishy washy will only be interpreted as an opening to continue his actions edit to add: the possible downside is that the motivation that he should feel on his own to fix things is somewhat being pushed forward by you with the first part of what I suggested above, ymmv
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 you are not hearing the words that matter to you, he's just trying to hang on to you so that he doesn't have to go through all the emotional pain he feels without you. you are in the dreaded friendzone. you can keep ignorning as you are (good for you) or you can respond with 'unless you have something to discuss about how you see our relationship moving forward it is best for me that you stop all contact as I've explained. please respect my wishes'. not mean, but direct and strong willed. anything wishy washy will only be interpreted as an opening to continue his actions edit to add: the possible downside is that the motivation that he should feel on his own to fix things is somewhat being pushed forward by you with the first part of what I suggested above, ymmv thanks mike. i agree. just sucks. i want to keep ignoring him, but will it burn any chances of us getting back together? my pop says that during the first week of moving out and him being alone, its the hardest week and if he didnt try to work it out with me then, he isn't going to try anytime soon.
salmagundi Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Hey Bluefairy, If you spend your time worrying about whether or not he will come back to you rather than working on getting over him and finding someone better you will be doing exactly what I have been doing with my ex...giving him (her in my case ) all the power over your life...even in their absence. You need to take that control away and decide for yourself how you are going to be happy. Which is easier said than done right now I know...But if he wants you he will come back. And if he does you don't want to be in this weak and dependent place, right? You want to be over him... 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 Hey Bluefairy, If you spend your time worrying about whether or not he will come back to you rather than working on getting over him and finding someone better you will be doing exactly what I have been doing with my ex...giving him (her in my case ) all the power over your life...even in their absence. You need to take that control away and decide for yourself how you are going to be happy. Which is easier said than done right now I know...But if he wants you he will come back. And if he does you don't want to be in this weak and dependent place, right? You want to be over him... very good point i have been trying to move on and doing different things.. its just hard when he keeps trying to talk to me. i have ignored everything and have been FULL NC for 4 weeks. after 4 years.
Mike_d Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 thanks mike. i agree. just sucks. it does, I'm sorry. right there with you, major suck-itude i want to keep ignoring him, but will it burn any chances of us getting back together? well, it is my experience that when you let go of the outcome, don't have an emotional stake in what happens, usually the right thing occurs. and yes, that is a direct answer to your questions lol. your message is right here: "one week later i came back asking to work it out. he said no. he doesnt see me in his future, isn't in love with me anymore and wants to live his life. he asked to be friends." you have the message, he doesn't love you, doesn't want a future with you. time to muster all your self esteem and start growing more. tough as sh.t to do right now, but you can do it. time to go NC, don't *ever* be someone's second choice, you are worth so much more. so sorry, but in time you'll see that this was a blessing, you won't be wasting any more time on this person, and you can make room for someone who will rock your world, he is out there, take your time and deal with this first though
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 it does, I'm sorry. right there with you, major suck-itude well, it is my experience that when you let go of the outcome, don't have an emotional stake in what happens, usually the right thing occurs. and yes, that is a direct answer to your questions lol. your message is right here: "one week later i came back asking to work it out. he said no. he doesnt see me in his future, isn't in love with me anymore and wants to live his life. he asked to be friends." you have the message, he doesn't love you, doesn't want a future with you. time to muster all your self esteem and start growing more. tough as sh.t to do right now, but you can do it. time to go NC, don't *ever* be someone's second choice, you are worth so much more. so sorry, but in time you'll see that this was a blessing, you won't be wasting any more time on this person, and you can make room for someone who will rock your world, he is out there, take your time and deal with this first though thank you so much for your words... i really appreciate this. i just don't understand how he doesn't see that a break up is a break up.. AKA i'm not apart of your life anymore, yet you INSIST on us being "cool"... full NC it is... no matter how much he questions it!
KatZee Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 He's also just trying to ease his own guilt. He wants to know you're fine without him, this way he's able to put his head down on the pillow at night without having to worry he hurt you. 3
salmagundi Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 thank you so much for your words... i really appreciate this. i just don't understand how he doesn't see that a break up is a break up.. AKA i'm not apart of your life anymore, yet you INSIST on us being "cool"... full NC it is... no matter how much he questions it! My ex is even worse. Not only does she want us to be 'cool' she wants to be serious no bs friends within DAYS of breaking up. She cries when I tell her thats crazy and I just have too strong feelings to be her friend while she 'explores' single life and I get to play checkers with her on sunday afternoon or whatever she has in mind. To say nothing of cuddle sessions and the occasional shag when she's between flings. My, I am starting to sound a little bitter, aren't I... ;\ 2
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 i just don't understand what crosses their mind... what makes them think that ALL is well in your world and that you are loving the new life of being friends after everything you have been through and watch them date and live their life while you are stuck in this crap hole? can't deal. and i'm still no contact. i'm starting to feel mean about it because he is questioning me as to why this is happening. but i know if i respond i am going to regret it and not get what i want (or expecting, even though i shouldn't be expecting anything). why is he so concerned about me?
barese1 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Just ignore him and he'll get the message. I think teh truth is dumpers text etc. for a variety of reasons, the main one is to releive guilt. more importantly though, they've just moved on. they don't see us in the same way so are happy to be friends. How can they be so quick to move from one to the other? God knows, they just do and don't realise that early on its way too hard for us to accept. I'm saying this to you but recently have been in contact with the ex after 3 months NC. I'll be honest the first slight break of NC actually really helped me. Knocked them off that pedastal and made me feel like I wasn't a no one. But the contact since then has made things harder. I wish there was a way for all of us who suffer here to just turn a switch and immediately not care. I don't want to be thinking of someone who doesn't care about me, why is it so hard?!
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 it's horrible, and i too have said i wish there was a switch so i wouldn't care! why do they want things their way? if i were to break up with someone now, i would understand... it would suck for me to lose a "friend" but i would understand.. deep down inside, i want him to come back. idk why i allow my mind to keep going into these places is it mean or wrong to block his number with my telephone company? i have thought about it... i already deleted my facebook, removed him from instagram, so all he would have left is too call me from another person's number (if he ever does) or e-mail me. again with the expectations.
flitzanu Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 hi all: long story short. i'm 26, he's 24. we loved each other from the moment we met. we were both each others first real adult relationships aside from high school. we lived together for 3.5 years. were together for 4 years. we grew apart. things like school, friends, living our lives unfortunately came in between us. we had major fights for months. he threw up a red flag about a year ago saying he didn't see me in his future and yet we decided to still pursue our relationship by taking it one step at a time. we had one major last fight and i called it off and left (also packed my things). one week later i came back asking to work it out. he said no. he doesnt see me in his future, isn't in love with me anymore and wants to live his life. he asked to be friends. 4 weeks later, i'm still in contact with him and i realized i was hurting myself and couldnt be friends. i deleted my fb and removed him from instagram. he questioned it and i explained. all he is doing now is partying, drinking and hanging out with his female coworkers. 8 weeks after the breakup and 4 weeks of no contact, i'm not over it. being that its been 4 years. i love him to death. but all he is doing he contacting me with breadcrumbs!!! (i stopped talking to him cold turkey 4 weeks ago)! he texts me with "i hope all is well" at 2:30am and "please dont get upset i'm contacting you i'm just wanting to say hi and let you know your in my thoughts and i hope your ok" at 7am! he even called me last night at 11pm. i keep ignorning EVERYTHING. and NOW today he texts me with "why are you ignorning my calls? i thought we were going to be civil and keep in touch". I DONT UNDERSTAND. IF HE doesn't see me in his future and had the last word on not wanting to work it out, what is going on? i would take him back the moment he says he misses me and wants me back. but obviously, using the NC rule, he is more concerned about me ignorning him rather than getting back with me... please help. i'm hopeless. his messages keep throwing me off and confusing me. simple. he wants to sleep with you, and doesn't want to date you. if you ignore him, he can't sleep with you, ergo, "why are you ignoring me?" and blameshifting with "i thought we were going to be civil" inferring that YOU are not being civil, but he is. he didn't want you, so don't let him have you. you're worth more than that aren't you?
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 thank you for shedding some light on this. i agree that it won't be easy for me to talk to him unless he completely moves mountains at this point. he has girls all over him. why does he want to sleep with me? i've heard "p**** is p****". these words got to me... "as a man, if he really loved/missed you, within the first week of YOU moving out, he would have tried to get back with you.. or wouldn't have let you leave."
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 can i just say it really pisses me off how he said: "i thought we were going to be civil" really!??????????!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not civil bc i stopped talking to you!?!?? KNOWING i'm still in love??!? it makes me want to respond to him. but then that means breaking NC.
Recommended Posts