Dating Someone Out of Your League?

[Ami1uwant]

Because everyone else has. If every single guy I've been romantically involved has treated me in the same way, probably means there is something about me. AKA, I am not a prize they feel sad about losing. Probability again... if something always happens, then logic says it will continue to happen.

 

Or you are going after the same type of man...who does cheat and looks at it as a game of conquest.

 

Can anybody cheat yes....this is where trust comes in. You need to have it in order for any relationship to work.

[todreaminblue]

I haven't read the other 17 pages of this thread (but I have the feeling it's kinda fruity and dysfuctional ) so forgive me for going back to the opening post and questions posed.

 

 

Yes there IS such a thing as 'leagues," and yes people generally try to date within their own league as a bare minimum and will often try to move up a rung on the ladder if they can.

 

And yes, if someone determines that you aren't what they want and they beleive that they will have better options they will dump you. And yes sometimes people will keep you around as bed-warmer untill the next one comes along.

 

All those things are true, they are all realities.

 

Here's the catch though, each individual has their own set of values and their own ideas as to what constitutes a "league." One person's prince is another person's pauper and vice-versa.

 

You obviously value education, earning potential and adventurous spirit and you feel that he is out of your league because he has more of those things than you do. Since you value those things you assume he does too and therefor he will judge you harshly and will dump you when he finds someone who is more educated, has better career opportunities and is more adventurous.

 

Guess what? He may not give a rat's @$$ about those things.

 

I speak from firsthand personal experience. I was never in grad school but in my youth I was very career oriented and pursued a lot of education and training in my field and climbed very high in field. I was also very adventurous (rock climbing, sky diving, scuba diving etc etc)

 

when I met my soon-to-be wife, I was attracted to her and liked her because she was NOT those things. I liked that she was more of a stable home-body and liked that she was not a driven, career-oriented person but was instead very much of a home and family girl.

 

I had enough "ME" in my life, I didn't need another "ME" around.

 

You think he's out of your league because he is educated and adventurous. He may think you are out of his league because you have nice legs and a great @$$.

 

Sure there will be women that will be attracted to him because of his education and adventurous spirit. You've proven that because you are attracted to him. But that is life. There are no guarentees. You are never guarenteed that other women won't bat their eyes and wiggle their behinds at him. There are no guarentees that he won't dump you some day. People break up all the time. getting dumped is just another part of life.

 

So you can choose the dysfuntional route and be miserable thinking that you are inadequate and that he might dump you some day and let your insecurities and self-esteem issues keep you from enjoying the time that you have together now.

 

You can even take the even more dysfunctional route of dumping him before he dumps you (they called it "preemptive dumping" on Seinfeld) and start dating a guy that is so unappealing and so low status that no other woman could possibly want him.

 

Or you can pursue the things that are important to you and that value so you can increase your own self-perception of what your "league" is and you can enjoy your BF for who and what he is and get the most enjoyment out of your relationship. That way even if he does leave you, you will just view it as something that happens in the world but you won't be devastated because you realize that relationships end and that you will soon have someone else special in your life because you realize that you have market value in your own right even if you don't have a masters in a high paying field and the thought of stepping in goat turds in the Himalayas really doesn't appeal to you.

 

 

So true.No guarantees not everybody does feel the same way and it is not about being perfectly balanced but acceptance of the imbalance that would make the relationship work.Its good to have anchors for adventurous spirits and it is good to have a different perspective that doesnt mean boring....that means different....fresh ....new .....a chance to experience something different from what you know a chance to share that to argue about it to laugh about it...to have fuin with it.....to love it.....and understand everybody is unique.......i love your post thank you for posting

 

adventurous spirits need someone to ground them (adventurous spirit says) ok whats next lets go here lets go there lets do this lets do that how about this lets see how far we can jump....sound tiring...yep ....

 

 

feelin sleepy right now......tomorrow is good enough to check out the sunset in egypt or maybe next year .....there is the anchor speaking and the adventurous spirit gets to rest and just be..or to write about what he she might like to do next year write a song about it and make some money for the dream holiday that may or may not happen.....take some time out to make love instead of finding the perfect beach to do it on..........deb

Edited September 6, 2012 by todreaminblue

[todreaminblue]

The ability to make more money doesn't mean someone is financially stable. I know people who make a lot more than me, but they aren't stable because they blow it all.

 

A graduate degree or any degree for that matter doesn't equate to greater intelligence. Imo grad school is more about how many hoops are you willing to jump through and how much BS are you willing to put up with than how smart you are.

i agree if i had lots of money i wouldn't have lots of money i am impulsive i would have enough money to pay my bills the rest i would give......and gift i am generous and i am impulsive any intelligence i have when i tcomes to money i dont like money that much......its just paper.....i need it of couse to survive but i could survive anywhere and money to me causes me grief......when i dont have it when people ask for it......so i dont want to handle money i would rather write and be starving and be good at writing on paper than have paper in my wallet.I would like to have money to open a charity organisation of my own or a few because there are many i want to support i want to support my church first but that would be dream i have.....my mum also had the same dream......a farm for kids who were terminally ill my mum is a very giving person very passionate.....she had big plans for this it depressed her terribly when she coudl see it wouldnt be possible....

 

.i wish it could have been, could have had ducks and llamas and geese and also kids who didnt have much time left showing them th esimple life simple pleasures..... i was going to work it with her and my sister this here depressed me a little...because i really wanted to do it i know i was keen to but there was something i wanted to happen at that point they talked about this rainbow farm.......i wanted to share that idea also with a partner and that threw me i wanted to have someone to eb there sharign that with me as well as mum and tracey.....i didnt mention it...but that was when i felt lonely first i dont know how many years ago that was when mum quit work i think...i have gone off on a real tangent sorry....needless to stay....

i am impulsive with money......and no amount of intelligence i gain will change that self control might........i really dislike thinking about money....there back on topic sorry about the mess in the middle ignore it..............deb

[spookie]

I didn't read the whole thread... but here is what stuck out to me:

 

Firstly, why are you even considering moving away with someone you recently started dating, with no serious commitment yet, and nothing lined up in the new town?

 

Secondly. Re the job. If you really feel like your current experience is a dead end, you need to work on figuring out your plan long-term.

 

It's tough, don't get me wrong. I graduated with a BA and a GPA of under 2.5 a couple of years ago. It felt hopeless.

 

But you need to be creative, think outside the box. What do you want to do?

 

If you are cool with any job that is moderately challenging, offers opportunity for advancement, and pays money, tons of people work in corporations. I work in the financial services industry, so I will tel you about that. A lot of people with mediocre records work at my company. There are hundreds of positions requiring no specific background for entry level. Analytical skills, communication skills, and a good attitude are what the hiring managers generally are looking for. You just need to get someone to give you a job.

 

Some positions in my industry I can think of that you definitely qualify for and would provide you with a starting point on the ladder:

 

-regulatory compliance analyst

-staff assistant - there are tons of those everywhere doing various operational things that make the company work on a day to day basis

-business analyst

-entry level underwriting assistant

-entry level marketing analyst

 

From there you can go anywhere if you are smart. The cream generally rises to the top.

 

Most industries/ professions have certificates/ designations that it probably couldn't hurt to have on your resume. If I were you I would target a specific industry and work to get your foot in.

 

I would:

 

-learn about the industry by reading publications

-take some professional courses/ certification tests

-volunteer to get some skills (such as organizational and interpersonal skills) and have something to talk about at the interview

-join toastmasters to become a better public speaker

-go to industry networking events

-apply to a lot of jobs and be confident that you deserve them

 

It's a tough economy but in my opinion what separates those people who have careers from those who don't, is effort and planning. After several years of experience, no one is going to care about your major or your GPA. Don't resign yourself to a career at mcdonalds; you can definitely do better.

[Leigh 87]

But men like that would already be married... they wouldn't have thrown over their last girlfriend. The scenario only works if we assume that most women out there have heinous personalities, that there's a "reason" he didn't commit to her in the long run. Either the reason is she's awful, or he's always trading up.

 

Why wouldn't a guy assume the grass is greener with a hot girl who shares common interests? Advice columns are filled with letters from men about how their primary relationship has gotten boring, stale... how the new girl is exciting, makes him feel attractive, gives him attention, etc.

 

Why wouldn't a guy trade up if he found a girl who was just as compatible but more physically attractive?

 

 

 

Shame on you. You are undermining true love! I do not think, V, that you 100% know what the deapest, strongtes love is about. Couples I know who are in it will absolutely NOT upgrade to a better partner!!!!!!!!

 

People I have seen who are REALLY in love are so happy with their partner, that not even a super model with a fantastic personality would change that.

It is really quiet insulting, how you think a hotter girl who is also as great as us girls in long term relationships, would easily come and steal our partners.....

Have you ever been in love? Strong, deap, true love? I can assure you, the bond a man has with a women he loves, will not be broken by some hottie with a great personality..... although some men with spontaneous personalities who are very selfish and thrive on drama because normal life is too boring for them - those types may get too close to a girl they know they will catch feelings for. But I question how in love with their current partner they are....

 

People with a strong interest in staying with their partner, would safeguard their relationship!

....There are many girls out there who would be great for my partner, and who he would fall for if he spent much time with... And visa versa.

It is important to talk to your partner about such situations, once you really in love and are ready to get married and take it to that level.

With my partner, I talked about the fact that there are other people out there who we WILL fall for, if we spent too much time with them. And because we both DO NOT want to lose each other, it is a good idea to talk NOW, about being aware of this fact of meeting other people, and developing a strategy to deal with it.