Read this if you were dumped. Case of I wish I knew then what I know now

[leoc1973]

I have learned quite a bit this last year or so. I have learned that you can still be the "nice guy" and a prick at the same time. I have learned that its not the bad boy that women go after but someone who has the balls to stand up for themselves when the time arises. Funny thing is I am a big strong guy and if it really came down to it no guy would wanna get caught in a dark alley with me(no gay jokes, LOL) If your a man I have zero patience for you and will kick your ass but women... I have always been a worm. I guess I had an epiphany recently and guys I would like to share it with you. i think it would go the same for women.

 

A few weeks ago I was talking to this girl who I was crazy about. She is the strong confident gorgeous semi-bitchy business type. She started texting me and I started texting back. She was clearly hitting on me and then I started flirting back. But something came through in my texts that I guess I knew but I didn't think it would turn her off. I am the nice guy... I am overly nice and she took it as weak. So at one point I had said something kinda hinting to her that her and I get together. She said something that completely took me off guard. "dude don't take this wrong but I would never go out with someone like you" I was floored.. I asked why she said "because again not to hurt your feelings but you are too much of a Pu$$y for me"

 

I was pissed off. I was here thinking she started this whole thing and she was flirting with me so I got really angry/hurt and said "Fu_k off your a bitch for saying something like that to me then why are you flirting with me" after that she sent a few more texts which I ignored till the next day at like 6 in the morning she sent me a text "wow did I have you wrong, I didn't know you could be such a prick, anyways can I buy you a drink tonight to apologize" I agreed but told her "your going to have to buy me more than one. ;)"

 

Ok so I slept with her that night and she was all over me. And since she seems really into me and up my butt. I have been seeing her pretty much every night and looks like we really click. I laughed to myself actually during sex when I had her in an odd position. I remember saying to myself "really all I gotta do to get laid is tell a girl to F off?"

 

Point is out of this whole thing. I wish when my ex broke up with me instead of being the "nice Pu$$y" I had told her to fu-k off too!! I kinda almost discovered all this when she first broke up with me because I walked away so hurt and in disbelief that I never even contacted her for 2 weeks. She ended up contacting me. Probably because she thought I was being a man instead of just being so damn hurt that I was in hiding.

 

Thats when i showed my P-word side and then she ended up sticking to the breakup instead of running back to me which looking back I think she was trying to do. I think she was trying to give me that one last chance to "man up" but I didn't. Instead I cowered and cried and kissed her ass. I wonder what effect it would have had if I showed her to not confuse my kindness with weakness(my favorite quote by the way)

 

Guys(and maybe gals) if you are going through a breakup. Especially if your in that first stage a few weeks in. Man up!! Ya got nothing to lose anyways, I mean you already got dumped.

[salmagundi]

thanks for posting this. it is spot on. this is the lesson I learned to late :/

[Dblock10]

i see your point, but, also your ex wont exactly appreciate this, it may even make them be glad to have broken up with you if you start developing an attitude. i do believe that at the time of a break up you should be more hard nosed for sure.

[jgregory4614]

Good post...I've been talking to a couple different girls lately that seem to really dig me. We would text each other with decent conversations flirting and making one another laugh at times. I DO NOT understand why when I ask them to go have a drink or something one night I get f***ing rejected. I'm not asking them out for a date! I'm just asking them to hang out. It pisses me off. I do come off as a "nice guy" also and by reading your post I think it could be my problem. I'll give the f*** off line next time when the time comes and let you know how it goes.

[Calico]

Authentic Men

 

Or you could just not put a label on everything and instead just be yourself.

[Sameold]

Strike a nerve did I?

 

I read what you went through with your Ex and you were a "nice guy" and took a lot of punishment that you shouldn't have.

 

Instead of focusing on "labels" you should re-read what KatZee wrote (what women want and what they looking for) and what I wrote (how to become an Authentic Man) and think long and hard about your last relationship.

 

That's harsh. Katzee is one women.

 

Not every situation can be placed in to a set of rules. Some women would find "what women want" as generalised stereotypical condesending behaviour. I think it is fair enough to throw opinions out there and I enjoy reading your posts as they are often quite insightful but I think we need to be careful of preaching, there is no bible for this stuff. The heart and mind is crazzzzyyy stuff brother!

[Calico]

I read what you went through with your Ex and you were a "nice guy" and took a lot of punishment that you shouldn't have.

 

You see, I believe that life is what it is, and that I am who I am. If I have to pretend to be something other than "me" at any given time in order to keep a woman around, or keep her interested and "entertained", then that is not a relationship I want.

 

It would just be a game, and while I enjoyed those games, the hunt and the guzzling of the magic of new relationships in my 20s (where in 100% of the break-ups I was the dumper, though I was always straight forward) and a little into the 30s, it didn't feel satisfying and didn't give me a sense of "substance" and "meaningfulness".

 

It's true that I took a lot of "punishment" in my most recent relationship, and that yes, if I had handled some things differently, perhaps the situation would be different now. But that wouldn't have been "me", and if I have the choice between being myself and being with a specific woman, then I'll always choose to be who I am. If that's not good enough to be wanted, then it's the wrong girl.

 

At the end of the day, it's me who I have to live with, and being myself is what makes me "authentic". That means that sometimes I'm a pathetic little wretch who bends over and asks for more, that starving kitten who begs for scraps. Other times, I walk, and bite and snap and scratch. It's all "me", and it's not black and white, not just one or the other.

 

You can have soft paws without being declawed, and you can have sharp fangs even if you sometimes purr.

 

Edit: As for KatZee, well, I certainly respect her views, I found them interesting to read, and I'm sure there are plenty of women who feel and think that way. But there are also plenty who are not. It's just the type of woman I wouldn't date, because it would not last long past the first few months of the raging brain chemicals, and that's probably perfectly mutual.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Calico

[Mike_d]

Not every situation can be placed in to a set of rules.

 

disagree in this case, but that's ok. this is basic human wiring stuff, ignore if you want, but look at how well what you've been doing is working for you in the past, feel free to stay with it.

[Calico]

Thanks for the reality check, I think I needed that.

 

Now you've given me a perfect reason to contact her and save some dignity, but well, I will stick to NC, since I guess what happened, happened, and I can't retroactively handle the situation differently. Though it's tempting.

Edited September 5, 2012 by Calico

[leoc1973]

Yeah I am not saying it should be a set of rules but truth is it really is. I didn't do it to try any kind of experiment or anything. I was literally fed up. I was done. I was going to just try to be alone for a while and stop even trying to get a woman. I have been focusing/fixing my own life and at the point she said dude I would never date you. I said to myself F this. I am going to finish fixing my life and then worry about a woman down the road but I was shocked.

 

I know that ya hear it over and over again about a woman wanting a guy that won't take their crap but in practice I didn't think it would work. I just figured it was something that all the nice guys on here came up with to make themselves feel better about being dumped.

 

Now don't get me wrong I know that if feelings develop for this girl I am going to turn into a panzy just like all my other relationships. Its just who I am and I dont think I can do anything about it. I know I can try but at the end of the day if she is pissed at me I am going to still send those I'm sorry or whats wrong texts. The did I do something wrong phone calls and trying to explain myself and why I did what I did instead of just saying something like "give me a call when your off your rag". Its cause guilt eats away at me and that goal to please someone else before myself is my(and a lot of other nice guys) downfall.

 

There is another girl I was seeing for 3 months and fell for her really fast and her for me but once she got to know me she friend zoned me. Now that she sees me talking to other girls she is starting to flirt and be open to "us" again. I caught myself the other day being a panzy to her. She said something along the lines of "oh so she's more important than me" Of course(because I have feelings for her) I quickly rebutted with "no you know your the most important best girl bla bla bla" Its like a switch went off in her head. She went from being on the ropes and starting to kiss my ass a little right back to "your my best bud" PUKE!!!

 

Next time I am going to try to show her boundaries and lay it out for her the way I should have. I think I am going to try to tell her look your just my friend and I am very interested in the other girl. So as my friend I think you should be happy for me. I really think a huge part of it is about boundaries. And instead of smoothing over someone else's feelings all the time just laying down the law and being honest instead of going back and forth like a worm and telling everyone what they wanna hear. Its about manning up and not being afraid to hurt someone else's feelings sometimes to get what you want.

 

Who knows I could be completely off here and the comment on my ex is that I was a complete wuss and putty in her hands and I really do think she was in some subconscious level or form giving me the opportunity to grow a pair and I didn't.

 

And yes it does turn into a game to some people but I think the real men it becomes a way of life and no games need to be played because thats who they are.

[Exit]

Woo seeing people discuss what it means to be a real manly man gruntchestbump on internet forums never gets old.

 

I am who I am. If I have to pretend to be something other than "me" at any given time in order to keep a woman around, or keep her interested and "entertained", then that is not a relationship I want.

 

Good point here. Anyone who reads someone else's opinion of what it means to be a man, and then seriously starts considering making changes about themselves based on what they just read, is betraying rule number one of the whole "man code" about being authentic right off the bat anyway. If it's supposed to "come from within", then having someone else explain how to get there is wrong. I always laugh at the plethora of "alpha male" guides that have sprung up all around the internet, because I'm pretty sure alpha males don't head to the internet to look for advice about how to be more manly.

 

If some of us need to learn lessons about self respect, having a backbone, and not being a doormat, that's great. Pursue figuring those things out. But the total insecurity you see leaking from the poors of people who argue about how to be a man online, well, that's displaying the same weakness of character that they claim to set out to obliterate in the first place.

[leoc1973]

Exit thats not what I was saying. I guess I was saying I accidentally manned up just cause I was so frustrated. I know down the road I will be a wuss just like every other relationship. And this is still an advice forum and when being yourself isn't working then people come here for what they are doing wrong. There aren't a swarm or great women out there looking for a wuss to call their own so I guess ya either fake it. Or fake it till ya make it or just keep getting your heart stomped on till your old and grey.

[Hobbit]

Good advice gibson

 

It did hit a nerve, but I'd like to think that its the kick up the backside I needed. Thankfully this week I am more focused than ever, Im still gonna be nice, but it'll be with purpose, not take any crap from anyone.