Yes, I became the other woman

[doowah]

Owl, I don't see how calling him for that reason is helping me with my question how to deal with the current situation. So that's stopping me from doing it. Why would it help me deal with the situation?

[oldshirt]

Owl, I don't see how calling him for that reason is helping me with my question how to deal with the current situation. So that's stopping me from doing it. Why would it help me deal with the situation?

 

Because it would uncover if you are getting used and played like a piano.

 

It's actually in your better interests not to call and that's why you haven't tried to confirm already. If you don't know the real truth then you can placate yourself into believing whatever it is you want to believe.

 

But I see your point here. Whether he is just a garden-variety cheater who is just playing you for a little side-action vs whether he's telling you the truth and his wife is ok with him getting side-action, the bottom line is you are his side-dish for dessert whereas you don't actually have a partner to have and to hold of your own. - I get that and that fundamental fact won't change whether he's a lier vs he's telling the truth.

 

Here's why I think you should discover the truth. Because it will piss you off and make you feel like a fool.

 

I don't mean that in a mean way and I don't wish you any unnecessary pain and anquish. But if you realise that he has been playing you and that this is all smoke and mirrors, you will stop riding the neighbors bike sooner and will go out and get your own bike sooner and will be happier in the long run sooner than if you continue to live in this make believe world and keep your own life and happiness on hold while you be this guy's concubine while you lay in bed alone most nights.

 

whether you are riding another kids bicycle with her permission or whether you are an interloper, you want and deserve a good bicycle of your own. You won't ever be truly happy or satisfied untill you have one of your own.

 

For some reason you are SETTLING for burrowing (or stealing) someone else's. The sooner you get out and get your own the better off you will be.

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, I appreciate your concerns. However, I don't have issues with his honesty. No, I have no talked to his wife (yet). There has not been any reason too. However, he did send emails to us both, she know my name, she knows he sleeps at my place, she knows he's attracted to me, and she knows he's polyamorous. She has her boyfriends on the side as well.

 

 

All of this was told to you by him. The email means nothing. Someone can set up a ghost email account in seconds.

 

Untill you have direct human to human contact with her, you have no clue what goes on in their house.

[oldshirt]

And just for $hits and giggles, I'm gonna place my bet on what's really going on here.

 

Let's assume that it's not 100% out in the open and on the up-and-up. I know people who actually are in open/poly relationships and trust me, they keep their friends close and their potential enemies even closer. If she was aware of this and going along with it, you wouldn't have to contact her, she would have contacted YOU a long time ago.

 

Let's also assume that he is not a complete mastermind manipulator and lier either. so we can say that the real truth falls somewhere in the middle.

 

We can all place our bets on what is really going on. We can have a little office pool and the one that comes the closest to the real facts wins.

 

Here's my bet. I bet she does know he's dipping is wick in other inkwells but just doesn't care and doesn't know who all he is knocking one out with specifically. My guess is it is not actual consent and blessings for him to be with other women but rather a somewhat begrudged acceptance that he is out catting around. She knows he's out doing God-knows-what but chooses to look the other way because she is not ready to dissolve the marriage at this moment because of other reasons.

 

She probably does have some of her side-dishes too to which he is turning a blind eye. so there is just kind of a tenuous truce taking place here with both of them waiting for the other to pull the plug.

 

In the meantime here is Ms Doowah, snacking on what table scraps are being thrown her way and waiting in the wings for the whole thing to come crumbling down thinking that she will be the last woman standing and wins the prize.

 

The reason that I've been so outspoken in all of this is I think that that "prize" at the end is going to be a manipulative scheemer who likes to have his cake and eat it too and is someone who primarily cares that he gets his tank drained and doesn't care if he is hurting other people in the process. Then once this has all come crumbling down he isn't going to pick up Doowah onto the back of his white horse and ride off into the sunset together but rather he will just look for another woman who will manage his house and wash his underwear while he goes out and gathers up more side-dishes to keep his appetite satisfied.

 

It's not that I have an issue with Doowah being the "other woman." It's that I hope she doesn't become the NEXT WIFE.

[oldshirt]

I"m going to, once again, point out that random people on the internet do not know the posters situation better than she does. You do not have to agree with her, you can think she's being foolish for believing him, but the fact that he may not be being honest with her has been pointed out several times already, and beating a dead horse is foolish and a waste of energy, and not what she asked for support with. This is why posters get frustrated.

She asked for assistance and support and instead of getting that, the same things are being reiterated over and over.

 

 

 

And I did address her actual issues and her actual questions. and I too said that she should not put her life on hold for him and that she should get out and find a man that is available that she can have all to her own.

 

but she didn't say anything about that. She just came back defending him and saying that he is not a lier and saying that he even though she has never had any contact with the wife at all and said that he sent emails to both of them. emails don't mean anything cause anyone can create an email account any time.

 

Out of this whole forum, I am probably one of the most pro open marriage, polyamorous/swinging people here. But since I do have experience and knowledge in those arenas I know that there are A LOT of bull$hitters and a lot of people use the guise of open marriage/swinging to decieve and manipulate people. there are a lot of things about his/her story that doesn't add up.

 

The reason she feels unfullfilled and dissatisfied in this arraingement is obvious and glaring, she wants a legit relationship of her own,,,duh! what doesn't seem so obvious to her is he's likely peeing on her shoes and telling her she's standing in the rain.

 

When people point that out, she argues with them and tells them why they are wrong. That's why I and others are beating the dead horse.

[doowah]

there are a lot of things about his/her story that doesn't add up.

 

What are those things? Just the fact that I haven't spoken to his wife?

 

As for me not putting my life on hold, I'm trying not to. And of course I don't think I am putting my life on hold for him. I still see myself as a single woman and I still look at other guys the same way.

 

And he is the one who keeps telling me I should date other guys and that I should enrol on a dating site (I don't like dating sites). He wants me to have someone to spend my life with (with or without him on the side).

 

Even though on bad moments, I do want to hear his marriage is bad, I don't actually think his marriage is bad. He's very happy with his wife and vice versa. I don't have the intention of becoming his second wife. I don't see any scenario in which that would happen.

 

If it turns out he lies to his wife and me, and is therefore getting a divorce, why on earth would I want a lying man? The whole situation and my feelings are based on me trusting him.

If he's not telling me the whole truth about his marriage (he often talks about his wife and their relationship, in a positive way, but it makes sense to me that he wouldn't tell me all the dirt) and gets a divorce because they are unhappy together (not because he's lying), then I don't think he's ready for a new relationship straight away. And even if he were: what we have now is completely different than having an actual relationship with meeting families, living together, having babies, etc.

 

It's much easier to jump into a relationship if you know in advance you're not going to spend a lifetime with them, that it's just for 'fun' while it lasts. To make a 'serious' commitment requires a whole different state of mind.

[oldshirt]

What are those things? Just the fact that I haven't spoken to his wife?

 

 

Y'know I actually understand you not approaching the wife. That would be pretty daunting and intimidating and it has the potential to really burst your bubble. I get that.

 

What really doesn't add up to me is that his wife hasn't approached you. And to a lesser degree what doesn't add up is he hasn't attempted to introduce you or try to get you to do a 3-way with her.

 

Again, I know multiple couples that are in legitimate open marriages. Real open marriages are a lot of work and can be quite complex. What's very rare in real open marriages are when both people give the other complete carte blanch to do whatever they want with whoever they want, however it is VERY common for cheaters to tell the other men/women that they are in an open marriage and that it is ok for them to bang you.

 

In actual open marriages there is often a quite complex set of rules and guidelines for which they can have outside playmates and in almost all of them BOTH people have to meet and get to know and approve of the 3rd party.

 

Think about it, it makes sense. If you were married and both of you agreed to an open relationship, would you just let him wonder off and bang whoever he pleased whenever he felt like it? Wouldn't you want to know where his d!ck had been before he comes home and trys to stick it in you?

 

Think about how distrustfull women are of each other. Wouldn't you want to meet and get to know this other woman so you could asses whether she was going to get attached and start having nesting feelings for your husband? Wouldn't you want to asses if she is going to be any threat to your family or boil your bunny?

 

What is taking place with you right now is what women who are in real open marriages WORK HARD AT TO AVOID from square-one and she hasn't done that at all.

 

That's what doesn't add up.

[Owl]

Owl, I don't see how calling him for that reason is helping me with my question how to deal with the current situation. So that's stopping me from doing it. Why would it help me deal with the situation?

 

Simple enough. If she agrees with what he's doing, agrees that polyamory is part of what she signed up for, and is ok with your relationship with him...why wouldn't she agree to let him have more time with you?

 

Since it's all out in the open and she's ok with the situation...why would there be any resistance to letting him spend more time with you?

[stillafool]

whichwayisup, I'm not sure if you've read the whole post... he's wife DOES know about me. He's in an open relationship. He's honest about me to his wife and vice versa and he's honest to us both on seeing other women. Of course you never know 100% sure, but that's a matter of trust. And I trust him. Also, there's no reason for him to lie to me, that makes it even easier to trust him.

 

Are you allowed to call his house (in an emergency) and ask for him? If not, she doesn't know about you.

 

Also it would seem that he would take you away on vacations sometime the way he does his wife. Surely in an open marriage the wife would understand this might happen from time to time.

Edited September 10, 2012 by stillafool