Yes, I became the other woman

[doowah]

Hi, since a few months I am dating a man who is married, but in an open relationship. It wasn't my plan, if you would've asked me in advance, I'd have told you I wouldn't be in for such a thing.

 

But he was so relaxed, we have much in common, and he's so open about everything. He's the kind of guy I'm generally very attracted to (and there aren't many of those guys around). He doesn't give me all the 'I don't really love my wife, but I love you'-bull****. He just tells me how it is, which is that he sees me as a really good friend that he's very attracted to. It's not just the sex, often we just meet and talk.

 

It went fine the first few months, and now it's starting to get to me. I want to see him more often. When he's talking about his wife, I look for signs that there's something wrong in their relationship (sometimes there are signs, but I guess if you're looking for them, you'll always find them). I'm starting to feel lonely at moments I used to feel fine.

 

It's hard to talk to someone about this, most people don't really understand.

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to loose him...

[Owl]

I'm curious...usually an "open" relationship doesn't allow actual 'dating'.

 

Have you spoken with her directly, and VERIFIED that they're in an "open" relationship...or has he just told you that's what it is and you accepted that at face value?

 

Unless you've verified this in some fashion, odds are high that he lied.

 

And regardless...it doesn't sound to me like this has much 'hope' of a positive outcome for you when you look at it.

 

As time progresses, you'll become more and more attached...and either he will too, creating strife and pain at home...or he won't, creating strife and pain for you.

 

Have you really sat down and thought this through? If not...sounds like it's time.

[2sure]

From your comments , it sounds as though you have been OW before.

So, you may be familiar with the terms of an affair relationship...most OW try not to think or talk about his wife at all , especially when the MM and his W have a sexual relationship. Most OW seem able to get comfortable seeing MM at odd times & usually not on holidays, weekends, whatever.

 

Since your MM and his W have an open marriage and she knows about you...it must be easier because you can call him when you want, you arent being hidden from her, she is comfortable with your friendship with her husband.

 

Are you friends with her as well? Maybe that would help you ?

[doowah]

Owl, I'm 99% sure his wife knows about me. He believes in polyamory and she believes in open relationships. There are no real rules that I know of, and he's not in it for the sex. He dates other women and has 'relationships' with them varying in length.

[doowah]

I've never been an OW before. I don't know which comments you are refering to? But no, I don't know his wife. Sometimes I do wonder if I should. It might help, but I'm not sure how she feels about that and it would be awkward.. He had not suggested us meeting yet, I feel like it should be on his initiative.

I can deal with only seeing him once or twice a week, but all the 'other' things like going on vacation, going away for the weekend, spend a couple of days together, I'm feeling lonely when he does those with his wife and I'm home all alone. Also, sometimes I really want them to get divorced (just not because of me), and sometimes I really appreciate the fact that she lets him hang out with me. Confusing feelings...

[Owl]

Owl, I'm 99% sure his wife knows about me. He believes in polyamory and she believes in open relationships. There are no real rules that I know of, and he's not in it for the sex. He dates other women and has 'relationships' with them varying in length.

 

Again, not at all trying to be a jerk here...but HOW do you KNOW?

 

If it's just based off of conversation with him...it's suspect.

 

If you've discussed it WITH her...then it's all good.

 

I'm also curious that you mention that HE believes in polyamory, and she believes in open marriages.

 

Does SHE believe in polyamorous relationships? That seems pretty key since the two of you are "dating". If she's given him the go ahead for a NON-EMOTIONAL involvement (which is how most open relationships tend to be as I understand it)...that's NOT an OK for "dating".

 

That's why I think it's so important in your case to be 100% sure that his wife is on board with what the two of you are doing.

 

If she is...then I see no issues at all with what the three of you have agreed to do. I don't even know that I'd consider you an OW in that perspective...nor would I consider it infidelity.

 

If she's not...whole different critter there.

[woinlove]

doowah, what I get from your posts is that your needs may not be met by this relationship and, if that is the case, you should make sure you discuss this openly and honestly to see if they can be met or not. If not, you may want to end this. The other thing I get from your posts is that you are not sure exactly what the situation is with this man and his M. In polyamorous relationships, where an R outside the M is both emotional and physical and may involve love, it is typical to meet the spouse. I don't see any reason for you not to bring this topic (meeting his W) up with him and discuss it. Learn what he thinks, what he says his W would think about that. Sounds to me like you need more communication in this R.

 

Maybe everything is open and honest, in which case you would not typically be called an OW, it would just be another relationship, with no deception. But it seems you do not know this and I would suggest you find out. Also make sure you understand your own needs. It is difficult for someone who is not also polyamorous to be involved with a polyamorous couple.

[whichwayisup]

Hi, since a few months I am dating a man who is married, but in an open relationship. It wasn't my plan, if you would've asked me in advance, I'd have told you I wouldn't be in for such a thing.

 

But he was so relaxed, we have much in common, and he's so open about everything. He's the kind of guy I'm generally very attracted to (and there aren't many of those guys around). He doesn't give me all the 'I don't really love my wife, but I love you'-bull****. He just tells me how it is, which is that he sees me as a really good friend that he's very attracted to. It's not just the sex, often we just meet and talk.

 

It went fine the first few months, and now it's starting to get to me. I want to see him more often. When he's talking about his wife, I look for signs that there's something wrong in their relationship (sometimes there are signs, but I guess if you're looking for them, you'll always find them). I'm starting to feel lonely at moments I used to feel fine.

 

It's hard to talk to someone about this, most people don't really understand.

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to loose him...

 

You basically have two choices. Enjoy the sex and the affair for what it is and know that it isn't forever thing nor ever going to be anything too serious (him leaving his wife for you so you can have him as your husband) or end it.

 

Seems like you've fallen for him and want more but he isn't going to give you what you need and hope for.

 

Good thing is, you're only a few months in so it's not like you've invested years into him and the affair.. It'll hurt of course, and take some time to grieve and heal, but you will be okay.

 

Hope this helps.

[Leelou]

He dates other women and has 'relationships' with them varying in length.

 

 

Also, sometimes I really want them to get divorced (just not because of me), and sometimes I really appreciate the fact that she lets him hang out with me. Confusing feelings...

Even if he does get divorced from his wife, he will still be dating other women and having relationships with them.... "varying in length" -- you think you have a limited shelf life with him? What's the longest he's dated these other women for, and why did those 'longer' relationships end?

 

 

It went fine the first few months, and now it's starting to get to me. I want to see him more often.

Yup, because you are beginning to get more attached to him. You will wind up wanting him all to yourself. How do you think he will handle you when you tell him you don't want him dating other women for varying lengths? Even if he DOES divorce his wife in time...

 

I'm starting to feel lonely at moments I used to feel fine.

 

It's hard to talk to someone about this, most people don't really understand.

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to loose him...

I think the way to deal with this depends on what you want... if you want to hold onto him and as you say, "not lose him" then you need to stop feeling insecure and show more confidence! Confidence shows when you trust him, when you don't worry about his wife, when you are okay and flexible with time constraints that he has with his primary relationship. I guess if you see it from a slightly different perspective, it might help you if you for instance, imagine he has a 'primary' relationship with *his important family member* eg like his kids (in this situation it's his wife, but imagine children -- babies), and he needs to spend those weekends and vacation days with them, and not you.... as opposed to imagining him spending them with his wife.

This might help you not be jealous of his time with her.

 

The other option is for you to get another part-time boyfriend on the side, to entertain yourself while he gets it on with his wifey.

Or, you may decide to get a full time boyfriend and then delegate your MM as a side-interest to you.

 

Or the last option is to wean out of this R all together. It's up to you what you can handle, and how you want to handle this. What CAN you deal with, and what is a dealbreaker for you? Have you thought about the boundaries of this relationship for YOU?

Edited September 5, 2012 by Leelou

[Radu]

Open relationship means that he/she is allowed to have sex outside the marriage, but an emotional involvement of this level is not allowed.

This is more akin to polyamory.

 

If he's into polyamory, and she believes in open relationships, than this will cause conflict.

Because i'm not sure his wife would agree with how this relationship is developing [on his part].

Edited September 5, 2012 by Radu

[DBella]

 

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to loose him...

 

 

You don't want to lose him??? He's not or was ever yours so quit fooling yourself. You will continue to feel lonely and will always be a second option to this guy as long as you allow this. How you should you deal with this? Find a hobbie or some activity that will allow you to focus on something else, who knows maybe you can finally meet the right person for you and forget about this MM. I don't wanna sound harsh but think about it, do you see a productive, positive future with this MM?

[DBella]

Even if he does get divorced from his wife, he will still be dating other women and having relationships with them.... "varying in length" -- you think you have a limited shelf life with him? What's the longest he's dated these other women for, and why did those 'longer' relationships end?

 

 

Yup, because you are beginning to get more attached to him. You will wind up wanting him all to yourself. How do you think he will handle you when you tell him you don't want him dating other women for varying lengths? Even if he DOES divorce his wife in time...

 

I think the way to deal with this depends on what you want... if you want to hold onto him and as you say, "not lose him" then you need to stop feeling insecure and show more confidence! Confidence shows when you trust him, when you don't worry about his wife, when you are okay and flexible with time constraints that he has with his primary relationship. I guess if you see it from a slightly different perspective, it might help you if you for instance, imagine he has a 'primary' relationship with *his important family member* eg like his kids (in this situation it's his wife, but imagine children -- babies), and he needs to spend those weekends and vacation days with them, and not you.... as opposed to imagining him spending them with his wife.

This might help you not be jealous of his time with her.

 

The other option is for you to get another part-time boyfriend on the side, to entertain yourself while he gets it on with his wifey.

Or, you may decide to get a full time boyfriend and then delegate your MM as a side-interest to you.

 

Or the last option is to wean out of this R all together. It's up to you what you can handle, and how you want to handle this. What CAN you deal with, and what is a dealbreaker for you? Have you thought about the boundaries of this relationship for YOU?

 

Then ppl wonder why HIV and STD rates are skyrocket...smh

 

Showing more confidence is not gonna take away the fact that this R is making her unhappy. She's been on the side all the time and now she wants him to give her more attention, but why would he? I mean, it started with her knowing she was gonna have leftovers, why would she demand more??? common sense...

[woinlove]

Open M may or may not include polyamory. It depends on what he and his wife has agreed to, but since polyamory assumes multiple intimate relationships with everyone's knowledge and consent, the W should be happy to discuss things with the OP.

[Owl]

This may be off topic, or it may directly pertain...

Is that always the case? Is that a set and solid definition? No dating, no emotional attachment just sex = open relationship but you have to change the label once you become emotionally invested?

What difference do the labels really make?

 

I agree with woinlove's response.

 

The "label" doesn't matter...what matters is what was agreed upon between him and his wife.

 

The "label" helps define what's agreed upon.

 

So...it matters. If he's abiding by the rules he's agreed upon...no concern, it's all good, and I don't see how it could be considered infidelity or "cheating". If he's NOT following the agreement with his wife (in letter or spirit)...then he's cheating. And that matters...or it should.

[MissBee]

Hi, since a few months I am dating a man who is married, but in an open relationship. It wasn't my plan, if you would've asked me in advance, I'd have told you I wouldn't be in for such a thing.

 

But he was so relaxed, we have much in common, and he's so open about everything. He's the kind of guy I'm generally very attracted to (and there aren't many of those guys around). He doesn't give me all the 'I don't really love my wife, but I love you'-bull****. He just tells me how it is, which is that he sees me as a really good friend that he's very attracted to. It's not just the sex, often we just meet and talk.

 

It went fine the first few months, and now it's starting to get to me. I want to see him more often. When he's talking about his wife, I look for signs that there's something wrong in their relationship (sometimes there are signs, but I guess if you're looking for them, you'll always find them). I'm starting to feel lonely at moments I used to feel fine.

 

It's hard to talk to someone about this, most people don't really understand.

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to loose him...

 

I think it's often a natural development to get frustrated if your relationship has a cap on it. In my former A it was like that. He didn't pretend he didn't have a good relationship and he was "just waiting to leave" or anything, he made it clear he just "loved me too". That said, I enjoyed him and us for a good while before it started to bother me. In the beginning, the less attached I was, the more satisfied I was with the situation. As time went on, my feelings grew, I was in love, I wanted him all to myself and began resenting the situation, resenting that there was someone else, I got more jealous etc and we started arguing more. I don't think there was any way to prevent that from happening, except to not have feelings for him or to rearrange my desires.

 

Maybe you don't want to hear this, but from my experience, you either accept that you may never have him fully and just enjoy what you have OR if you know that will never be enough, prepare yourself to start distancing and not getting too attached so that you can eventually move on. In a situation where the person says they are leaving, it is understandable why you'd wait and put up with certain things, as you can feel like it's only "for now"...but if they've made it clear that they're not actually unhappy and that the sharing situation will be permanent, then you have to be honest with yourself about if you really are prepared for just that. Don't try to see flaws in the relationship or signs he will "change his mind and leave" etc...you just have to be honest with yourself and ask if this is ALL it will EVER be, is it good enough for you?

[doowah]

hockeyfan, you are right, I'm saying two different things. I guess I want to spend 'different' time with him. We go out for lunch, or dinner, and every now and again he spends the night. What I mean when I say I want to spend more time with him, is that I want him to stay more than one night.

And it's really not just for the sex, it's the intimacy. We don't always have sex, and we talk a lot. It's the same as in a 'normal' relationship.

Also, he's not seeing any other women besides me (and his wife of course), mainly because he doesn't have the time for that.

[doowah]

Even if he does get divorced from his wife, he will still be dating other women and having relationships with them.... "varying in length" -- you think you have a limited shelf life with him? What's the longest he's dated these other women for, and why did those 'longer' relationships end?

Most of the time they ended because the girl found herself a boyfriend.

 

Yup, because you are beginning to get more attached to him. You will wind up wanting him all to yourself. How do you think he will handle you when you tell him you don't want him dating other women for varying lengths? Even if he DOES divorce his wife in time...

I don't know yet, I trying to imagine how I'd feel if he told me he had a third woman. I don't know...

 

I think the way to deal with this depends on what you want... if you want to hold onto him and as you say, "not lose him" then you need to stop feeling insecure and show more confidence! Confidence shows when you trust him, when you don't worry about his wife, when you are okay and flexible with time constraints that he has with his primary relationship. I guess if you see it from a slightly different perspective, it might help you if you for instance, imagine he has a 'primary' relationship with *his important family member* eg like his kids (in this situation it's his wife, but imagine children -- babies), and he needs to spend those weekends and vacation days with them, and not you.... as opposed to imagining him spending them with his wife.

This might help you not be jealous of his time with her.

 

The other option is for you to get another part-time boyfriend on the side, to entertain yourself while he gets it on with his wifey.

Or, you may decide to get a full time boyfriend and then delegate your MM as a side-interest to you.

 

Or the last option is to wean out of this R all together. It's up to you what you can handle, and how you want to handle this. What CAN you deal with, and what is a dealbreaker for you? Have you thought about the boundaries of this relationship for YOU?

 

Thanks, you are right.

[whichwayisup]

Also, he's not seeing any other women besides me (and his wife of course), mainly because he doesn't have the time for that.

 

How do you know what he does or doesn' t do when he isn't with you? You really have no idea if he just has you on the side. His wife doesn't know about you, right? So why on earth would he tell you, his OW, about any OOW he might have. Think about that.

 

He could easily lie to you and tell you he's spending time with his wife, and he isn't. Keep in mind this is a man who lies and betrays his wife since he's having an A with you, so please don't believe all that he says to you. MM lie, whether it omitting truths, or full on lies..Don't put all your eggs in his basket.

[doowah]

whichwayisup, I'm not sure if you've read the whole post... he's wife DOES know about me. He's in an open relationship. He's honest about me to his wife and vice versa and he's honest to us both on seeing other women. Of course you never know 100% sure, but that's a matter of trust. And I trust him. Also, there's no reason for him to lie to me, that makes it even easier to trust him.

[Owl]

Did you read any of the commentary about the difference between polyamory and an "open marriage"?

 

You commented that she believes in an open marriage...and he believes in polyamory.

 

Is she OK with him having strong feelings/love towards you, and you towards him? OR is she just under the belief that you're just some strange on the side?

 

THAT is the crux...

[oldshirt]

I'm a swinger so I have a little more acceptance and tolerance of this kind of thing than most of the people here.

 

The part that I question here is how do you KNOW that his wife knows and approves of this arraingment????????????????? Have you heard that come out of HER lips???????????

 

If you haven't, then you don't know. You are just taking his word for it and this is a guy that goes through women like I change my underwear.

 

Listen, I am OK with open marriages and polyamory and swinging etc etc but I am strongly opposed to is BS and heads in the sand.

 

In my youth I had a very attractive and sexy married woman hitting on me. When I said I wasn't comfortable having an affair with a married woman and I didn't want him kicking in my door to stomp my guts out she assured me it was OK because they were in an "open marraige." when I asked if he was out screwing around the countryside she said, "oh no, he's not into that kind of stuff and would never do that!" Then I asked if he knew about me and gave express consent for her to bang me and she said, "well no, not specifically. since I opened up our marraige I don't see any need to bother him with all the details."

 

So bottom line is people use terms like 'polyamory' 'open marriage' etc quite loosely and usually they use it to define their own practices to suit their needs. Even in the swinging community which is supposed to be committed couples having sex with other committed couples, you often run into people going rogue on their own and trying to pass it off as, "well my wife/husband didn't want to do it so I am "swinging on my own."

Yeah right, butthole, that's called cheating. You're just trying to soften the sounds of it by using words like swinging and open marriage etc.

 

I personally know quite a few people that are legitimately in open marriages and poly relationships etc and in almost every single one of them the new girlfriend/boyfriend has been out with both halves of the couples numerous times and has been to their house and often times have even had 3-somes etc with the couple and the other spouse has given explicit, expressed verbal consent to the 3rd's face for them to have the relationship.

 

If you haven't met her face to face and she hasn't told you from her own lips that she is ok with this relationship then you are just having sunshine blown up your @$$ and you are believing what you want to believe because it benifits you.

 

Untill you hear it from her own lips, he is just another cheating husband who wants a little extra poontang on the side and he just has a little bit different cover story than the standard, " my wife and I don't love each other any more and I'm getting ready to leave her blah blah blah."

[oldshirt]

of course you never know 100% sure, but that's a matter of trust. And I trust him. Also, there's no reason for him to lie to me, that makes it even easier to trust him.

 

The people that I mentioned in my post above DO know 100% because they also have a relationship with the spouse to one degree or another and have heard it out of his/her own mouth.

 

And he does have a reason to lie and that is because this is working for him. He probably had to tell the other other woman that his wife doesn't love him and he's working on getting a divorce but just hasn't filed yet.

 

And he probably told another woman that his wife has a medical condition that doesn't allow her to have any kind of sex.

 

And he probably told the other woman that the marriage has been dead for years and that they are roommates living in separate bedrooms and are staying together untill the kids are grown.

 

And he's probably told some other woman that he's single.

 

and he's probably told some other woman that he wife has left the country and is in the Witness Protection Program.

 

My point is you were open to the idea of being with someone who has an open marriage and so that is the charade he is using on you. Some women won't be a 2nd but will be a back up for when he leaves his wife so that's the line he uses on her. You were cool with open relationships so that's the line he uses on you.

 

See how that works??

 

If you think I am full of crap, it will be the easiest thing in the world to prove me wrong. Just call her up one day and say, "hi, this is ______'s girlfriend Doowah. Since we are kind of all in this open marraige together, lets you and I get together and talk about what kind of bday suprise us two ladys in his life can come up with to give him a bday he'll never forget."

 

You will have your answer in about 5 seconds. cause in 5 seconds you will hear one of three things.

 

One will either be, "OOOH I love it! Let's get together for lunch Tuesday and see what we can cum up with!!":D

 

The other will be, "who did you say this is BITCH?!

 

And the 3rd will be silence with crickets chirping in the background.

 

You don't beleive me? prove me wrong. one phone call without him knowing about it will be all it takes.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm starting to feel lonely at moments I used to feel fine.

 

It's hard to talk to someone about this, most people don't really understand.

 

How should I deal with this? I don't want to loose him...

 

OK now let me shift gears a little bit and lets assume that everything is as you say it is and that everything is on the up-and-up.

 

Again, I am a swinger and I am OK with open relationships, polyamory, polygamy/polyandry etc etc as long as everything is in the open on table and everyone has complete informed consent.

 

I DO UNDERSTAND.

 

To help you understand what is taking place think back to when you were a little kid and a kid down the street had a cool, shiny, new bicycle and you didn't have a bike yet.

 

Then lets say this kid was ok with letting you ride it now and then. At first it was fun and exciting to be riding that shiny new bike and you were ok with it not being yours because you didn't have one at all at the time and since it wasn't yours you weren't afraid to ride it a little hard and scuff it up a little.

 

But in time you of course realized that riding bikes is fun and that you would like to ride more and do it on your terms and not have to rely on someone else letting you borrow their's on their terms. In essence you want your own bike.

 

That's perfectly normal and natural, who wants to live a life of having to borrow someone else's bike for their biking needs?

 

My advice is don't rely on someone else's bike and keep your eyes open for a good bike of your own and if you get the chance to get your own bike grab it!

 

If you need a bike to ride around now and then untill you get your own and it's ok with the bike's rightfull owner then so be it, I'm ok with it.

 

Just don't keep yourself off of the bike market and don't turn away other bikes just so you can ride this one now and then.

[doowah]

Oldshirt, I appreciate your concerns. However, I don't have issues with his honesty. No, I have no talked to his wife (yet). There has not been any reason too. However, he did send emails to us both, she know my name, she knows he sleeps at my place, she knows he's attracted to me, and she knows he's polyamorous. She has her boyfriends on the side as well.

Also, I wasn't open to the idea of being with someone in an open marriage at all. Just, when I met him and we started talking, it just felt right. I've never caught him in any lie (and I really don't trust people a lot, so I checked the facts), he really doesn't pretend he's someone he is not.

Of course, it's still possible he lies to me. But I have no reason to distrust him. I can call him whenever I want, talk to him whenever I want. No secrets.

[Owl]

Then why NOT call him, ask him to put his wife on speakerphone, and ENSURE that it's all out in the open?

 

Sounds like there's no reason not to, but it would definitely be the best way to ensure that everything is indeed on the up and up.

 

What's stopping you from doing this?