How to Know If You are in Love? Married or experienced people, especially

[PinkSapphire]

Pretty simple. I am an independent, self-fulfilled woman living out her life the way she dreamed - by herself. I never dreamed of being married and, consequently, never considered being in a relationship.

 

However, dating just happens, and I know so many great guys that it's hard not to give them a chance when they express interest. I believe I have "fallen in love" with one, we had a year-plus long relationship (my first, started at 24), and we are considering getting back together. The issue? I feel like I could get over him (though not easily, the break-up was HARD, and due to communication issues on both our sides. Neither of us is especially socially intelligent, and him even less so than me).

I am also seeing a couple of other guys casually, though they want to be super serious, which actually is stressing me out.

 

I am wondering, though, if I will regret later losing these people? how do you know if you should keep someone around and continue to grow the relationship and bond/connection you have? Or should you just work on moving on and possibly staying single? Or give a different guy a chance? My default is to just be alone and stay single (I truly am quite happy surrounded by my close, fantastic friends and community), but I do know that I am missing out on all these great guys and honestly wonder if I will regret it sometime later.

 

So, how did you know? How did you know you had found your "one"? And how did you know you should just move on and go through all the work to detach from someone you love because you knew you would eventually? I know I sound deranged and confused, probably because I am a bit Thanks!

[Radu]

When you both give to each other without accepting anything in return [this is partially a quality of the person as well].

When seeing him/her is just enough to brighten your day.

When you tell them your darkest deepest thoughts.

 

And when you still feel this way after the rose colored glasses fell off, after the honeymoon period is off.

 

The rest of the equation is basically if you two have a good future together in terms of aspirations and wether you manage to end up with compromises in your relationship or not without either/both of you feeling like they gave a lot away.

 

Happened to me twice.

 

If you ask yourself 'will i regret losing these ppl later on' ... i don't think you are in love.

When you are in love you generally think that your SO is your everything ... especially if this continues after the honeymoon period [you see the negative things in his/her character and you are ok with them].

[jgregory4614]

Hi Pink...Welcome to LS.

 

For starters, you will only regret "those guys" when the relationship you actually tried to work on fails. If your "in love" with someone, the other ones wouldnt matter to you.

 

If you feel more comfortable being single, then all you have to do is stay single until you're ready to be with someone. Don't feel pressured by one of these guys to be in a relationship. Being a sucessful woman like yourself and most likely attractive, they will do anything to have you.

 

If there is a guy you feel more drawn to, maybe he's the "one". You would feel a strong desire to be with him every chance you get. The only thing you can think about all day is him. He would put a smile on your face when you think about him. You would sometimes go out of your way to do something nice for him or go see him. You will get "butterflies" in your stomach when you're around him.

 

Good luck Pink! I hope this helps.

[PinkSapphire]

Thank you, jgregory, those were very helpful tips! There is one that outshines the others, but I think that is because I know him more/longer and have shared my secrets with him, and he with me. That there is history.

 

I honestly love being single, and you are right; these guys literally do anything for me (which increases the pressure I feel), and are so awesome to me that I feel I should keep one around. Probably not good thinking, and definitely not what has been described by both of you as love.

 

Thanks again! I guess I am just lucky to know so many wonderful guys and have many of them stay in my life even as friends

[pteromom]

Forget being "in love". Wait - don't FORGET it, but don't worry about defining it.

 

Here are the TOP indicators that you are in a relationship that could last.

 

- he accepts you as you are 100%. He doesn't try to control you, and he doesn't try to change you.

 

- you feel the same way about him.

 

- you have similar goals, values, beliefs. Doesn't mean you have to be twinsies, but the closer your core values are, the easier it will be to understand each other, and the easier it will be to accept each other.

 

- when he fights, he fights fairly. He stays focused on solving the problem, and not on "winning" or being superior to you in the argument.

 

- you have sexual attraction to each other. This will wax and wane over the years, but you have that basic attraction that you can build on.

 

- you are both willing to put in effort to keep the relationship growing. The relationship isn't way out of balance (one partner has much stronger feelings than the other).

 

If you have all this, you are already miles ahead of a lot of couples, who spend a lot of energy trying to control or manipulate each other into being who they want.

 

"Love" isn't a desperate need for another person, nor is it pure passion. I disagree with Radu that being in love means someone becomes your "everything" - that's not love. It's co-dependence.

[whichwayisup]

Being in love isn't just the fluttery heart and can't breath moments, can't get enough of eachother.. That's the honeymoon stage/falling in love.

 

Real love is everything, not just based on the fun and happy stuff that makes one feel good..

 

I can be ME with my H. He's seen me at my worst between being sick, bad moods, irritating habits, my flaws etc..etc.. He accepts me for who I am and doesn't try to change me. He may encourage me to try new things, or push me/motivate me but that's a good thing! We are all a work in progress and it's good to go outside the box/out of your comfort zone in life.

 

It's being with someone you can trust and know that they have your back always.

 

We don't share every single thing in common. He's more serious than me, I'm the humourous and silly one.

 

We both have the same outlook on life and we balance eachother out. He's good at particular things, as am I. Together we fit and even if at times we bug the crap out of eachother, neither of us are going anywhere.

[quankanne]

how I knew? I could see a future and it didn't scare me. Not the "oh, cutesy, sweet, I'm gonna be blah blah blah" kind of image, but me and him in our rockers on the front porch of the nursing home. And it felt right.

 

there's an episode of "Scrubs," where Turk is having problems writing his wedding vows. When he gets busted reading what his bride's brother suggested ~ from "When Harry Met Sally" ~ he admits to his best friend that he can't come up with anything, so JD asks him a few questions, and Turk tells him something along the lines of "I know she's the one because I can see a minivan full of screaming kids and it doesn't scare me."

 

I think *that* is how you know when you've met "the one" ... all those mundane things are what appeal to you, not merely the romantic stuff :love:

[LeoNguyen]

PinkSapphire,

 

You asked like 10 questions in one single post. And that's fine.

 

The single common denominator for all of them is that you're trying to know everything before you ever put your feet in the water again.

 

You're not going to know what happens until it actually happens.

 

You're not going to know how a flower will smell like until you actually smell it. Someone can try to explain it to you in minute details, but you just won't know it till you actually smell it.

 

There is one question I want to address.

 

"...I do know that I am missing out on all these great guys and honestly wonder if I will regret it sometime later."

 

You sound like you're in your late 20s.

 

I will say that once you get into your 30s, your dating pool gets smaller. Some of the men you want to date will want to someone younger. So it's not as easy as it is now, when you have all these guys trying to get to you commit to them.

 

Does it mean that it's impossible to find love after 30?

 

Of course not, it just means you have to put in extra work.

 

I'm not saying that to scare you. Just want you to be aware of what will happen later on.

 

In the end, the main question you have to ask yourself right now is...

 

"What do I want?"

 

No "What do my parents want?" or "What do my friends want?"

 

But "What do I want?"

[SandRat]

Have you seen that commercial on TV about the "Left lane club"? How being a lead foot puts you in the club? Near the end of it the narrator says, "If you're not sure if you're a member of the left lane club, you're not".

 

Sooooo, the answer is real simple; If you're not sure, you're not in love.

 

When I fell in love with my wife over 30 years ago, there was no wondering about it. She was my world. If I wasn't with her I was sick and missing her. I couldn't keep my hands off of her. We made two beautiful babies together and I love them dearly. They are adults and I love them like I did when they were babies. Now we're getting a divorce. We are not in love anymore.

 

That's how you know you're in love, or not.