UmbrellaBoy Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Hi all, So has anyone ever been in a situation like this, where you're "engaged to be dating" basically?? I'm involved with a guy. It's been drama for almost two years because he had someone else and there was a love triangle and they were living together and I made an international move to break them up and then they did break up but were too poor to move out for many months... Well, finally, they moved out. There was a lot of tension in the meantime, obviously, but finally my guy is "free." However, when we had "the talk" after this, he basically said he needs time. He can't rush into another relationship having just moved out from the last one, and when I pressed he had all sorts of other reasons that made him reluctant or hesitant to try things with me. But, he said finally, he's going to try to prepare himself mentally and emotionally for our eventual relationship, and that he just needs space for now, but that I should trust it's headed in that direction. So we're sort of "engaged to be dating" now, probably making it official sometime in 2-4 months, either when I visit him in late October, or when he visits me (we are no longer in the same city now) for New Years. Has anyone been in this sort of "We're not together yet, but there is a firm commitment that we will be in a few months" type of situation?
KatZee Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Played.... Agreed. Why do I feel you'll never hear from this guy again? You were the other woman. Now he's done with the other, and.... you're history. Why does he need "space" from relationships when he was doing just fine playing the both of you at the same time? This should be a cake walk for him, dealing with one.
Author UmbrellaBoy Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Maybe. I don't know. First, I'm not "the other woman," I'm a guy, we're gay. The dynamic when it comes to these things can be very different among gay men. Secondly, I was not even really "the other man." We have never been involved sexually; neither of us felt right about doing that while he was still with (or, at least, living with) the ex. Inasmuch as an "affair" existed, it was a purely emotional affair, and even then he did the right thing and called it off with the ex within a few months when the situation became undeniable and unambiguous. In fact, he was glad I came along to help him build up the courage to finally end things officially with the ex. However, the ex was too poor to move out and, I find out now (confirmed by mutual friends), the ex also became a raging alcoholic after the break-up. My guy spent several months in misery dealing with the ex ODing several times, getting in trouble with the law, etc. It was annoying for me, but my guy had a "caretaker" urge and couldn't just kick the train-wreck to the curb since the ex has had a really tough life (abandoned as a teen by his parents for being gay, etc). However, they were no longer having sex during this time, and my guy was looking forward to the lease running out and going off to school to escape that situation, and now finally has. So it wasn't necessarily what you think. I personally don't find it so unbelievable that a guy who has been dealing with an alcoholic vindictive live-in ex for months on end would need some space, once that finally ended, to clear his head. I imagine he's pretty emotionally exhausted. Is it a bit annoying that my guy was so "weak" as to have felt obliged to house this dysfunctional wreck whom he really didn't owe anything to? Yes, but I suppose it also speaks well to how caring he actually is (even if misguidedly so, to a fault). But I really don't think he was just using me either, because otherwise we probably would have had sex, but he wanted to do things right and not make it messy like that, which I think is commendable. Edited September 4, 2012 by UmbrellaBoy
It's Just Me Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I would back off, and give him his space - but I would not hang my hat for a minute on that vague commitment. Sounds like he's been through a lot, and does need to breathe for a bit. A rather healthy approach, I'd say.
veggirl Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I think you have already totally wasted 2 years on this guy and are about to waste even more time. That's unfortunate. You need to move on and if at some point he tracks you down and is ready to committ, you can re-assess at that time. I would NOT be waiting around for this guy, at all. 1
pteromom Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I wouldn't wait either. What you say is true - that after being in a hard relationship, he may need some time to be on his own. But the fact is - when you want someone, you want to be with them. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. He wouldn't risk you getting away while he figures things out. He wouldn't be lukewarm about waiting a few months and seeing what happens. Don't settle for someone who doesn't want you as much as you want him.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 OP I'm a tranny, and our experiences are quite different but I can see what you mean by "engaged to be dating". Yes in a way someone can say and mean that when they are ready to really date for keeps they will date you. Which for gay people, in most places, is about as close as one gets to marriage. So yes, you can be engaged to be dating. Now just like being engaged to be married, that does not mean you will walk down the aisle.
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