how to understand what went wrong. and why i moved on. my lifestory.

[chados]

this is going to be a long post. I dont want people to see this as their guideline since relationships are different. But i really think you should read this. This is from personal experience and science. I posted this in "second chances. but it could also be posted in the breakup forum. You are free to ask questions.

 

 

 

"People always says that humans are humans and animals are animals"

 

 

. That is wrong. Are we different? yes. There are few animals that stays with a partner for the rest of their life. And we are one of them. And why do we far more problems then any other species. You know how they say. A male is always trying to show his dominance for the female. That the female picks the male. Well thats how it would normally work. And probably in most cases it does. But we are different. We have developed through so many years now that it could actually work the other way around.

 

We are to developed to just fight against another guy to get the woman. and the woman are to developed to choose the guy thats fight over her for no reason.

 

 

But does this say that the woman doesn't want the alpha male?. The definition of being an alpha male 800 years ago is probably not the same as it is right now. The girl will simply think your'e an idiot if your'e fighting for her attention without any reason. Just like the guy wouldn't feel needed if the girl choose the guy just because he was the only on there.

 

 

"Why is there so many more breakups now then it was 50 years ago?"

 

 

The reason for that is simple. Its because back then you stayed with the one that you loved much more then you do now. Just because someone breaks up with you doesn't mean they dont love you. they just think that something better is gonna come. This is a huge problem for a lot of people. They break up with you because they loose attraction for you. It is as simple as that.

 

There is to much reasons to loose attractions in this world. Believe this!. Attractions will always be there. If you think that your boy/girlfriend think that you are the only one they're gonna look at. Your'e much likely very wrong. Im not a big fan of this "getting back together books". But i like one statement. "Attraction isn's a choice". You dont decide if you think that this guy or girl is attractive. However you do decide whether you're gonna talk to that person or not. And also if you're gonna leave your girl/boyfriend behind and start dating that new exciting person.

 

 

"one thing that ive learned is that attraction is always strongest in the beginning."

 

 

 

The person is more exciting at the start. Which makes the attraction to that person stronger. I have also learned that if you really love the person your'e dating. You wont have as much problem with them wearing that old shirt that looks so trashy. This is something that i think also hits people that are older. If you're young you're more concerned about seeing your girl without makeup, or your guy unshaved.

 

What happens when you're going with the attraction instead of the history you're sharing with your ex?. Well most likely the attraction for the new partner is also going to be less after a while too. Have you ever seen your ex and thought, Wow he/she looks so good now?. They probably look the same. But you're to blind to notice. They are the new guy/girl again. You haven't seen them in a while and you remember your history together. If you had a good history with your ex its much more likely for them to come back. Thats why people are talking about rebounds. They look good they are nice and everything. But so was your old partner too. and you have a history with that person for lets say a year. and you've only dated the new person a month.

 

I know a girl thats been dating a guy. She broke up with him. She dated a new guy, and then she went lesbian. And now she's dating a new guy. the timeline for this is probably no more then 8 months. And she wrote this on facebook. "you are my everything". I couldnt care less about what she's doing with her life. But that just makes me wanna write to her. No he's not your life. and you're gonna break up with him in about 2 months.

 

 

"When my girlfriend broke up with me."

 

Ive been talking to a therapist. ive been talking to my friends. I even lost a friend because of this. Yes that is right. one of my best friends is actually mad at me because i talked to him. And i know why now. He was very helpful and everything but i didnt talk to him that much before or after that. The reason for that isnt because i didnt want to. It was because he doesn't have time for me. he has never really called me after getting his kids. And i can understand that kids has a huge impact in your life. But it takes two people to form a friendship. It also takes two people to form a relationship.

 

Personally i was crushed. my friends have always told me. you never cried when you were a kid. Ive never seen you cry. And that is true. I barely cried when she broke up with me. Maybe one time. But that doesnt change the fact that i was broken inside. This is when i realized exactly how sad i could actually be. Its not about crying or not. Its about not knowing what to do. Being totally lost and no one can help you.

 

She was giving me this classic "hints" that she might be interested. I mean, why should i try to get her back after treating her great and she is blaming me for not doing this or that, or being like this etc. I am who i am, and if she breaks up with me and wants me back. Its her problem.

 

When someone breaks up with you and say. lets be friends. Whatever does that even mean?. Are you gonna call me?. Come one now.. by breaking up they are saying. Im gonna be your friend. but im not gonna hang out with you, talk with you. Nothing. That is of course if both of you are okey with the breakup. or the dumper feels sorry for you. One day after she's been texting me few times every week i said to myself. why the hell do you answer this?. she's been treating you like crap for weeks before the breakup.

 

I actually told her to dump me at that time because she was saying. i dont know if i want this or not. And the fact that she didnt do that made me feel like it could be worth waiting. Anyways, i called her up and said. I dont want you to talk to me anymore. harsh? i dont think so. Not after the way she's been giving me false hope having a great talk that made me feel like this relationship could finally be better. and just a few days after being icecold on the phone. not saying i love you back or anything. I asked her why she didnt and she got mad and said i love you too. I was so dumb. This is my biggest regret. Not telling her, i dont want you anymore youre acting like the biggest idiot in the world.

 

 

I was thinking about ending the relationship earlier. But i didnt. First of all i have a huge problem hurting the one i love. But theres more to it. Back then i was having this problem with finding a girl. I had that problem because i wasn't showing any confidence. i was just this nice guy. And you know how people say. Girls always fall for the bad guys. This isnt completely true. They fall for someone who shows confidence. Not confidence like "im the coolest guy in the world". Just that you are confident with yourself.

 

 

 

 

"People often act like their parents."

 

 

 

My mom is the nicest person in the world. And that made me the same. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But you have to be able to say no. Its important to say no when you dont like something. That has been a huge problem for me. ive been pushed around without realizing it. I mean i was a pretty tough kid. it wasnt about that. it was just that when someone told me to do something i did it. If no one teaches you how to be confident you will most likely be afraid to do what you want in life. Is there any reason to treat the best looking girl any different? maybe she's used to have people hitting on her and might not fall for the simply pickup line. thats not my point. What im saying is that why should you be more nervous when you talk to her?

 

 

 

 

"Theres nothing more attractive then not chasing the dumper"

 

 

 

Yes this is true. the only way i can see this in a different way is if the dumper is playing games with you because they think its attractive to break up with someone. that would be rare so im not even going there. People break up because a loss of attraction. whether its how you look or how you act. something is bothering them. Dont ever chase them. this will most likely make you push them further away. And it can cause a lot of pain to yourself, because of all the thought that goes through your mind. for example if he/she is texting you, asking you what youre up too. You might see this as. maybe the person wants me back. A dumper is probably gonna see how youre doing. especially if they dont have any contact with your friends, they cant see you on facebook etc. The first thing you should do if youre feeling bad. Remove everything that you have in common. If they text you dont answer and delete the message.

 

 

This has nothing to do with getting them back. it will sure raise your chances by not being there so they actually have a chance to miss you. But for you it should be about understanding what went wrong and maybe, only maybe! they want you back later on. I am sure they would tell you that. Like i said earlier "seeing your old ex, and all of the sudden they look better". well you would be more attractive if you look happy, fresh and confident, then if youre staying at your house growing a beard and texting them every minute. But your not gonna do it for them, only for yourself. Not saying that you should fake being happy, but it would be better if you move on, and when you finally can say. im feeling better. And they would call you months later, maybe even a year. You might be able to go on a date again. with the awesome knowledge of the past. This is a great learning process.

 

 

"so whats the point about having them to miss me if im not gonna talk to them?"

 

 

 

you are not going to talk to them because they just said i dont want you in my life. Dont you think any different. This is what they said. Focus on your self, and move on. if they miss you they will let you know. Do not answer their stupid questions. "how do you feel etc". I mean how mean is it to ask something like that?. even if they ask, what are you doing? do not answer. they might just ask you because they want to be nice. or they are curious for different reasons. could be that they are worried that youre moving on before they do. that they as the dumper are having a harder time then you. This is however not your problem. they dumped you.

 

 

 

 

 

"Sorry for this long text:)"

 

 

 

Move on, Learn from your past. and whatever happens in the future happens. Be careful with who you're leaving behind. It could really just be the attraction that is fooling you. There is a lot of attractive people in this world. I really believe everyone is attractive for someone. No relationship will ever be as exciting as it once was. Some people has to learn this the hard way. Some people never learn. Personally i had to take the hard way. And that has been one of the most important things in my life. Now im just glad it happened.

 

 

and people who's choosing work before their love? well if that makes you happy. because the only thing to achieve in this life is to be happy. And nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

 

 

//chados