Just one of those days?

[Sav]

I was doing fine since the BU. I won't kid you, I still think of her, I still miss her texts, I still don't understand how could someone who "loved" me so deeply move on so quick, But I was coping.

 

I did NC straight after asking her if we could try things again and got responded with a "No". It's been about a month ++, I didn't count, couldn't bear to. But what's a month of two compared to 2.5 years of relationship. I just can't put it down that quickly.

 

Only today has been ESPECIALLY hard. Suddenly I lost my appetite again. My mood just became bad. All I thought about for the past few hours is her. And inevitably, tears which haven't came for a month suddenly came again.

 

Is this a phase? Or am I going to be like that for very long? I don't know. I shouldn't even feel this way. I had a 4 year relationship once and a 2.5 year one shouldn't even put me down this much if I got through the 4 year r/s.

 

I really can't take this. I mean I won't die or anything. It's just, the feeling of emptiness really sucks. And I have to act ok infront of my friends and family who thinks I'm over it.

 

I've done everything right. I've gone into strict NC. Blocked her off facebook. Picked up new hobbies. Met new people, gone out with old friends. Bought a dog. But why today, it just all came back to me?

[reptile4heart]

Hi Sav,

Not that I am an expert by any means but I am 4mo out from a breakup (~3mo NC) and I also lost my father about 10yrs ago. I am struck by how similar this breakup has been to a death--in some ways more complicated because there are all these issues of betrayal and rejection that did not exist in my relationship with my father.

 

In any case, as you are well-aware probably, shock/disbelief is the first stage of grief, followed classically by anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance. What is clear to me from my experiences is that moving thru these stages doesn't happen in order or on a dependable timeline.

 

I think prior, you were likely in shock (I was stuck in this phase for 1-2 months, sure that it was a mistake, that he was going to realize it...anyday now...) and have oscillated back and forth sincd between days of depression and anger. The worst of the depressive stages, I also couldn't eat, couldn't sleep for 2hrs at time. Managed to go to work and do what I had to do for my job. Initially this was all I could muster. But gradually with some time and lots of support from family and friends, I gradually began going to the gym, taking up new hobbies, going out.

 

Upshot is, it is totally normal and expected for you to feel good one day and like roadkill the next. To feel hopeful and open to the world for awhile, followed by a day of depression and despair, and then repeat x 10,000. These are the ups-and-downs of grieving and over time, the cycling becomes less frequent, with the downs getting less frequent and less severe.

 

I think the key is to try to be kind to yourself when you are having these low days, to try to not allow yourself to punish yourself ("why do I feel like this NOW after -- mo since the BU?", "why can't you just accept and move on"?). To also lean on your friends and family who you do trust and can open up to. Don't worry about them assuming that you're over it, that they are sick of hearing about it. Honestly most people have gone thru breakups and can commiserate, and I am sure you'd be surprised at how your close friends want to support you and are willing to listen to a surprising amount of b*tching and moaning (now that you've gone thru this, wouldnt you be there for someone else who was just dumped)

 

It has already gotten better for me over the last few months though am still a ways away from the zen of the "acceptance phase.". Though I do question it at times, I know that I will her thru this with a stronger and surer heart and mind. I am certain you will too.

[Sav]

Thanks reptile for your answer and advice. I'll try not to bash myself up that often. Maybe you're right, I'm rushing things. Shouldn't try to compete on who gets over who faster. I hope you get over her soon

[not-a-drive-by]

Probably is just one of those days. Today just felt extra worse because I broke NC yesterday. Emotions were overwhelming and I just missed him like hell the whole day. I had to pretend to be okay at work and be happy. But really, I just wanted to breakdown and cry. Thoughts came flooding back as to why he let go and won't give us another chance. For a moment, I felt that there was no hope. What hope is there in this world? The person I wanted to spend my life with left me. I can't see myself with anyone else but him. It just tears me apart. I hate that he is not part of my life anymore.

[Sav]

@ not-a-drive-by : I'm sorry to hear that you broke NC. I would love to break NC too but I know that will only set me back even further. I hope u will stay strong this time round and get over it

[Calico]

Probably is just one of those days. Today just felt extra worse because I broke NC yesterday. Emotions were overwhelming and I just missed him like hell the whole day.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm probably going to break my NC today too because I don't really like the way her and I talked the last time we did, and I wasn't being myself. I don't expect anything from it, and there are no expectations, it's just something I want to do out of respect for the relationship and what it meant to me. I also don't really want to be remembered as completely pathetic wretch, because it's not who I am. This won't change the situation, but it'll change how I feel about myself.

 

You know, life is about living and learning. Years ago when I had alcohol issues, I didn't just go from starting to becoming really aware of the problem to going cold turkey. It was a process. There were a few tries, some experiments, and eventually it worked. The stress over the NC is probably more harmful than the NC itself. It seems artificial and enforced and while I do think it's a good idea, it's the same as with drinking: you need to be ready to do it, and when you're not yet there, then you'll build up so much extra stress that when you do drink again (or here: make a contact) you are overdoing it and then end up in worse shape than before you had tried to control it.

 

In case of the alcohol I actually didn't manage to go through the withdrawal UNTIL I had a bottle of booze around. When I didn't, the pressure was too high and I failed every time. Most everyone will tell you that if you have any booze around, you won't ever stop. For me, it had only worked with the booze around, and that bottle became my trophy. Limited Contact may be something that works better for you now, simply because it removes the pressure a bit and, more importantly, doesn't make you feel like a complete loser if you break the NC every few days. It's more damaging than staying in contact.

 

You'll eventually get there. I have faith in you.