My girlfriend wants to know what it's like to date other men, I am her 1st bf

[Dumby Rumby]

My girlfriend (age 33 of persian ethnicity) and I (age 32 of asian ethnicity) have been going out for almost 2 years. I am her first boyfriend, her first everything when it comes to relationships, love, the whole 9 yards. We are really close and share an incredible bond, we love each other very much. I've dated many women in the past and I know the type of relationship we have is one that are meant for marriage. The problem, is that since I am her first, she doesn't know what it's like to be with another man and has no one to compare with. She's curious to know if the satisfaction she gets in the relationship she has with me is possible with another person. By satisfaction, I'm referring to personality, intimacy, compatibility, etc. She also feels that she wants to find a man that is like myself but with the other "qualities" she wants to have in a man. Although she is 33, she is inexperienced in the dating/relationship department in the sense that she has a "list" of qualities she wants or expects to have in her ideal "man", basically the man of her "dreams" like all young girls. Not to say that one shouldn't have a "list" or shouldn't persue a partner that possess those traits, but after being experienced, we realize that sometimes that "list" is not everything and not what makes a good partner/relationship.

 

To add to that, because our ethnicity are different, I know she has some concerns with how our relationship would work if we were to take it to the "next" level, since her parents just recently immigrated to Canada and would have language and cultural barriers. I've already took the initivative to learn Farsi (Persian native language) to be better equipped to communicate in her language, plus I enjoy speaking to her in her native tongue.

 

Having said that, we have been trying to separate/break up as she feels committed to me and unable to even consider opening up to another man. But somehow we always end up back together because we miss each other and can't resist the "NO CONTACT". This has been going on for a while now and even though I consider us broken up, we always end up being with each other and she then feels the need to "leave" again once she feels the closeness between us. She says things like she needs to sleep with another man to forget about me, and tells me that she won't end up with me (marriage). She wants a man of high power/status yet she doesn't think she will be in a position to be with a man like that and that she would rather be single if she never found "this" man. By "this" man, she means someone like the "President" or of that status and nature. She also has told me she has a gut feeling in her that tells her to leave me, yet when we're apart, she misses me dearly and once we reunite and she feels calm and at peace until she feels she's too close again and needs to "leave"

 

I myself, am fully employed, have my own business, well rounded and knowledgeable (just in case you were all wondering what qualitites I possessed), have my own home, car, etc..

 

Although I love her very much, I know I don't want to marry someone who is always thinking of what it's like to be with someone else, it would drive me nuts. I love this girl and intend to marry her, my parents and all my friends like her. I know I need to let her go and let her find the "answers" she's searching for in order for her to be fully committed to me. I am confident she will return because I know she will not experience the love she had with me with anyone else. We are a great match for one another and our love is deep. Sometimes I wish I was not her first boyfriend or first love.

 

I guess I'm here to vent, as well, hope there are both males and females out there that have experienced what I'm currently going through that have played my role or my (ex)girlfriends role that could provide any advice or support. Like I said, I've been in many relationships in the past, but this one is different. I truly think she's the one, but I think I have to let her go first in order to have her fully and it's going to kill me to know she's with another man.

 

Any comments are appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance!

[TaraMaiden]

Oh no.

Tell her if she goes, she doesn't come back.

I'm a western woman, and I'm telling you, I wouldn't accept this.

What?

She goes off, fools around with other guys, but hopes and expects you to sit and wait?

And you're willing to do that?

No, buddy.

It's either this, or not - but to tolerate this kind of attitude?

 

Unacceptable, no matter what the culture....

[Radu]

As I'm writing this i realise there is little chance of you actually reading and taking into account my opinion, but i would prefer to remain with an clear conscience.

 

I think she is torn between the old system she was raised in, and the new system ... the western system.

Do you have any ideea how different these systems are ?

You are familiar with the western system where there is 'equality' between men and women, but in reality in Canada, if you are a woman, you have more power in certain areas of the marriage than if you were a man.

Let's just say that there is a slight entitlement in that direction.

In the Muslim system [and she was raised to 31 in that system], she is supposed to be married off to a succesfull man, and she is supposed to be the boss of the house.

She is supposed to be taken care off.

In this girl, in her way of thinking, these 2 systems have been married and she is cherry-picking everything that she wants, but no reason to go ahead ... so read down.

 

There are things that i see in your post that absolutely horrify me, to scare me and some that just make me go 'meh'.

 

- the meh parts :

It's normal for ppl to be curious about what is out there, some ppl with strong marriages end up doing just this in polyamory/open/swinger type relationships and it works out.

However, in all of these relationships the primary relationship between partners is very strong and the communication is amazing.

This is a level of maturity that is simply beyond yours and this girl's.

 

- the parts that scare me :

After just 2yrs in Canada she thinks it's ok to ask for something like this, to use you like this.

The system in her home country is one where women are severely restricted.

The system in Canada is one where anything a woman does, is empowering and they are protected heavily from men.

Going from one extreme to another has seriously messed up with her head and because of this she now acts as an early 20's woman.

 

She told you that she is perfectly willing to let go of the relationship.

This is either very cold hearted of her to say, or a manipulation tactic.

In relationships, the one that cares the least has the most power, and she has you by the b*lls right now.

Is it fair to you to be used as a napkin, as a welcome mat ?

Do you understand that in her culture, she is simply not allowed to do this, and in your culture she is told it's ok to do this ?

This is a major problem.

 

- the stuff that scares me

Repeated breakups, seriously ?

Why the hell do you stay, why do you have so little self-respect that you accept this crap ?

 

She basically told you that she is a gold-digger, that you are not that well off for her, that she is too weak and has too little self-control to terminate the relationship and you stood there and took it ?

You are even making plans for the two of you to be together.

 

---

 

This woman is a walking timebomb.

She is 33, she doesn't know what she wants, and when she figures it out, she will be at least 40.

 

Why bring children into this hell, you selfish bastard ?

You are insecure, and a Welcome mat.

She is insecure but she has tons of power and knows how to use it.

Do you know how women in societies like the one she grew up in end up still having some power in their relationships ?

They are fantastic manipulators, and you are the easiest target for her.

 

Any child that is born into your union is cursed.

 

You know what you should do, break-up with her and improve yourself, improve your self-esteem.

But you won't.

 

Be honest, who wore the pants in your parent's relationship ?

[Eddie Edirol]

She is using you now for companionship when she is lonely, and when she has had enough, she pushes you away, and you are letting her. But she is looking (probably passively) for the man of her dreams, and she plans on leaving you in the dust when he comes. I can tell you now, the way she is talking, she has NO intention of going back to you. But if she told you that, she thinks you would cut her off. You need to completely cut her off, and let her discover herself. You can find another woman to marry, who knows what she wants in you, not other men. This woman will never want you the way you want her to. Let her go, dont let her come looking for you. While she is lonely, let her be on her own.

[Dumby Rumby]

As I'm writing this i realise there is little chance of you actually reading and taking into account my opinion, but i would prefer to remain with an clear conscience.

 

I think she is torn between the old system she was raised in, and the new system ... the western system.

Do you have any ideea how different these systems are ?

You are familiar with the western system where there is 'equality' between men and women, but in reality in Canada, if you are a woman, you have more power in certain areas of the marriage than if you were a man.

Let's just say that there is a slight entitlement in that direction.

In the Muslim system [and she was raised to 31 in that system], she is supposed to be married off to a succesfull man, and she is supposed to be the boss of the house.

She is supposed to be taken care off.

In this girl, in her way of thinking, these 2 systems have been married and she is cherry-picking everything that she wants, but no reason to go ahead ... so read down.

 

There are things that i see in your post that absolutely horrify me, to scare me and some that just make me go 'meh'.

 

- the meh parts :

It's normal for ppl to be curious about what is out there, some ppl with strong marriages end up doing just this in polyamory/open/swinger type relationships and it works out.

However, in all of these relationships the primary relationship between partners is very strong and the communication is amazing.

This is a level of maturity that is simply beyond yours and this girl's.

 

- the parts that scare me :

After just 2yrs in Canada she thinks it's ok to ask for something like this, to use you like this.

The system in her home country is one where women are severely restricted.

The system in Canada is one where anything a woman does, is empowering and they are protected heavily from men.

Going from one extreme to another has seriously messed up with her head and because of this she now acts as an early 20's woman.

 

She told you that she is perfectly willing to let go of the relationship.

This is either very cold hearted of her to say, or a manipulation tactic.

In relationships, the one that cares the least has the most power, and she has you by the b*lls right now.

Is it fair to you to be used as a napkin, as a welcome mat ?

Do you understand that in her culture, she is simply not allowed to do this, and in your culture she is told it's ok to do this ?

This is a major problem.

 

- the stuff that scares me

Repeated breakups, seriously ?

Why the hell do you stay, why do you have so little self-respect that you accept this crap ?

 

She basically told you that she is a gold-digger, that you are not that well off for her, that she is too weak and has too little self-control to terminate the relationship and you stood there and took it ?

You are even making plans for the two of you to be together.

 

---

 

This woman is a walking timebomb.

She is 33, she doesn't know what she wants, and when she figures it out, she will be at least 40.

 

Why bring children into this hell, you selfish bastard ?

You are insecure, and a Welcome mat.

She is insecure but she has tons of power and knows how to use it.

Do you know how women in societies like the one she grew up in end up still having some power in their relationships ?

They are fantastic manipulators, and you are the easiest target for her.

 

Any child that is born into your union is cursed.

 

You know what you should do, break-up with her and improve yourself, improve your self-esteem.

But you won't.

 

Be honest, who wore the pants in your parent's relationship ?

 

 

Thanks for the input, but some clarification is needed.

 

She has been in Canada for over 7 years

She doesn't follow Islam and her family does not consider themselves as Muslims because they don't beleive in that faith.

She was raised to believe that she should hold high standards, but this by no means describes her as a gold-digger or a snob. She's actually soft-hearted and very kind. I do understand when someone anonymous posts such a topic, we (internet public) will automatically draw conclusions of the individuals character and behaviours which is a given, but usually not true.

She definitely needs to find herself, no doubt, but by no means is she intentionally using me.

My self-esteem is actually quite good, as I stated, I was looking to vent and perhaps hear other peoples experience. I am by no means a doormat, and with the self-esteem that I have, it does not bother me if she comes back or leaves, it takes a real heart to see through it all.

I'm not saying I'm waiting for her, but I know what we have and what we could be.

 

Thanks again!

[Dumby Rumby]

She is using you now for companionship when she is lonely, and when she has had enough, she pushes you away, and you are letting her. But she is looking (probably passively) for the man of her dreams, and she plans on leaving you in the dust when he comes. I can tell you now, the way she is talking, she has NO intention of going back to you. But if she told you that, she thinks you would cut her off. You need to completely cut her off, and let her discover herself. You can find another woman to marry, who knows what she wants in you, not other men. This woman will never want you the way you want her to. Let her go, dont let her come looking for you. While she is lonely, let her be on her own.

 

I agree, I do think she is passively searching for "the one" and I know she will leave me if she ever finds this person. And you're right, she probably has no intentions of coming back to me, and in fact she has told me this before, but in the end she comes back; but most likely what you said, for using me for companionship. Unfortunately I beleive and still beleive, but have grown tired of her running away, that I only want her back if and only if she has found the answers she's been searching for.

 

Thanks for your post

[Radu]

Thanks for the input, but some clarification is needed.

 

She has been in Canada for over 7 years

She doesn't follow Islam and her family does not consider themselves as Muslims because they don't beleive in that faith.

This doesn't matter as much as you think.

I am talking about the society of the country she is coming from.

She was raised there.

It's hard for me to explain it. I am from Eastern Europe, and a few weeks ago i had a thread up about the mentality here vs the western mentality. I received quite some good input.

My country is much closer to the West in terms of thinking than her country was, yet ... i still see similar things, but in a lower dose.

 

She was raised to believe that she should hold high standards, but this by no means describes her as a gold-digger or a snob. She's actually soft-hearted and very kind. I do understand when someone anonymous posts such a topic, we (internet public) will automatically draw conclusions of the individuals character and behaviours which is a given, but usually not true.

She told you that she wants someone of higher status, more accomplished, like a President.

Your exact quote was 'She wants a man of high power/status yet she doesn't think she will be in a position to be with a man like that and that she would rather be single if she never found "this" man. By "this" man, she means someone like the "President" or of that status and nature.'.

For women there can be no love without respect. The above means that she does not respect you enough to want you as a husband.

Eddie is right, she is using you as an emotional tampon.

 

She definitely needs to find herself, no doubt, but by no means is she intentionally using me.

Define intentional.

We protect our own ego, when we cause others damage by rationalizing the guilt away.

Her subconscious doesn't give .02 canuck cents for you.

Ppl who care about ppl don't do what she is doing to you.

 

My self-esteem is actually quite good, as I stated, I was looking to vent and perhaps hear other peoples experience. I am by no means a doormat, and with the self-esteem that I have, it does not bother me if she comes back or leaves, it takes a real heart to see through it all.

I said what i said after reading of your reactions, your words, and what not.

Yes, you may have been venting, it's understandable.

But how do you explain taking her back again and again and again ?

How do you explain repeatedly allowing her to break NC.

 

I'm not saying I'm waiting for her, but I know what we have and what we could be.

 

Thanks again!

I hope it will help you.

I really do.

 

I went through 3 gf's in quick succesion who were also trying to 'find themselves'.

I wish i had listened to my friends at the time.

[Dumby Rumby]

EDIT: Also, it has come to the point where it's difficult for us to be just friends because when we are in each others presence it makes it near impossible for her to move on and not feel like she's cheating on me if she does meet someone. It appears the only way is for both of us to not contact each other anymore.

[TaraMaiden]

She HAS found what she is looking for. A good time - AND someone who will fill in between good times. (That's you, by the way......)

 

She is perfectly content to carry on in this way, for one reason, and one reason only.

 

You let her.

 

You keep accepting her behaviour by continually taking her back.

You have to stop this cycle.

[irin]

sorry i call BS on all Previous answers. forget the west/east thing clearly doesn't apply here. if she slept with you and want to experience other men. that is far from eastern ways. just because she lived in country doesn't mean she carries the mentality (stereotyping much?).

 

and her using also. shes just attached to you, considering you being her first everything, a lot people struggle to move on from the first Relationship/Love/sex. everything.

 

i simply thing she stuck between her attachment to you and her gigs/curiosity. she has every right to go and experience all she wants. after all youve had all your experiences. beside you dont want to marry her anyway. so just let her be.

[O'farrell]

This is why I used to tell my mother our culture was crap and produces weird people. The girl is Afghani. OP Idk what to tell you. Chances she has never even flirted with another guy in her life from fear of what her parents might think. This is a very complex situation. She is not the person you think she is. Her life growing up for the first 30 years is totally unimaginable to you. Do you know that you might be living with her parents when they move to the US? Do you know that her parents hate you or her because shes with someone who is not a muslim or Middle Eastern?

 

 

No op. No...

[udolipixie]

Probably best suited to evaluate whether you could handle a break where she dates others and if not dump her.

 

Some people can't handle only having little experience or less experience than their partner especially if their partner have many. No different to me than some guys feel the need to even the numbers if their female partner have far more sexual partners than him.

[mesmerized]

This is why I used to tell my mother our culture was crap and produces weird people. The girl is Afghani. OP Idk what to tell you. Chances she has never even flirted with another guy in her life from fear of what her parents might think. This is a very complex situation. She is not the person you think she is. Her life growing up for the first 30 years is totally unimaginable to you. Do you know that you might be living with her parents when they move to the US? Do you know that her parents hate you or her because shes with someone who is not a muslim or Middle Eastern?

 

 

No op. No...

 

She is Persian(from Iran), never did he say she is Afghani. Persians in Canada are often very open minded and dating other races is totally acceptable for a lot of families. Afghanis tend to be much more religious and strict.

 

Op, you just have to let her go. Good news is she is honest with you and is not pretending everything is ok while cheating behind your back. So many men and women do that. She has to experience or she will always wonder about it. Let her go, chances are she will come to you anyway though it will be really up to you to take her back or not.

[kaylan]

She wants to explore at her age? Jeez man...talk about repressed and not living out your youth when the time has come and gone.

 

Let her leave OP. And dont EVER take her back. A woman who truly cares for you and respects you wont want to leave simply to sample other men. There are plenty of women her age who wants to settle down into a real relationship.

 

Find them and let this woman walk.

[Necris]

"I want to explore other men"

 

Translation: "You are not good enough, I want to see if I can find someone else better."

[mortensorchid]

I don't care what either's cultural heritage is or isn't, what she is experiencing is the crisis of First Love. First Love is a wonderful thing, but I think it really is best that one date others, at least for a little while, get a few other serious relationships under their belt, and then find the true Love of their Life. Seriously, can you imagine what would happen to someone if they married their high school sweetheart?! It happens in this day and age still, I'm sure, but my parents were such. They never dated anyone else except each other, and they are, quite honestly, not very happy. I kind of doubt if they ever were truly, which is rather sad. ANd I think it's because neither one of them ever broke up, ever had some kind of fall out, ever grew or changed independently. Because you're not the same person you are/were back then. Imagine, going your ENTIRE LIFE with the SAME PERSON you knew when you were 14! She wants to grow and change, and I would advise that if she is thinking this, perhaps she is not the one for you. Plus, if she has honestly reached the age that she has and is just coming to this conclusion, then we've really got a problem. I hope it works out for you.

[AlexDP]

"I want to explore other men"

 

Translation: "You are not good enough, I want to see if I can find someone else better."

 

I have to agree. I'm in a relationship and I do find myself thinking from time to time: I wonder what it'd be like to date that girl. But the fact is, I'd never even consider acting upon it, because I friggin' love my girlfriend. And I already know I would not be better off dating someone else. The only reason the thought even enters my head is some sort of morbid curiosity.

[truth_seeker]

She wants to experience other men? Man, it's over. Show her the door.

[Quiet Storm]

First Love is a wonderful thing, but I think it really is best that one date others, at least for a little while, get a few other serious relationships under their belt, and then find the true Love of their Life. Seriously, can you imagine what would happen to someone if they married their high school sweetheart?! It happens in this day and age still, I'm sure, but my parents were such. They never dated anyone else except each other, and they are, quite honestly, not very happy. I kind of doubt if they ever were truly, which is rather sad. ANd I think it's because neither one of them ever broke up, ever had some kind of fall out, ever grew or changed independently. Because you're not the same person you are/were back then. Imagine, going your ENTIRE LIFE with the SAME PERSON you knew when you were 14!

 

 

I married my high school sweetheart (met at 15) and I have never had the desire to be with another man. I notice good looking men and appreciate their attributes, but I do not want any man sexually besides my husband.

 

Why break up with someone you love, just to get more relationship experience? That makes no sense to me. Once you find something that works, you have to jump on it because it could be once in a lifetime.

 

In my case, he just does it for me. Missing out on other men never even crossed my mind because from my perspective, no one would ever compare. I'm not curious because I am satisfied. If I had split with him because we were "too young", I may be still looking for a partner and my fertile years would be winding down, so in my case I did the right thing.

 

It is not necessary to be on your own to "grow". You can grow with someone. You both just need to have the "we are a team" mentality. We have our own interests, but it was never a goal of ours to grow independently, but as a partnership. We love and respect each other as individuals, but treasure and protect our marriage and relationship. I get that this isn't for everyone, but it works for us and I'm sure others, too.

 

OP, I think she should be sure that you are the one. There should be no doubt, and if there is, there's something missing on her end. You don't want a wife that is thinking about other men and what they can do for her. If she is feeling like this, you have to let her go. For good. Don't take her back after she's tried out others, because you will always feel that you were her fall back plan.

[Joaquin]

Clearly it's over. You can't stay with a girl that says she wants to have sex with other men. It's a no brainer.

 

I don't see why she felt a need to put you through this mind **** tho.

 

To be honest, she sounds like a total bitch.

[oaks]

She wants to know what it's like to date other men? Give her her wish; dump her.