Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 You'll have to forgive me. The subject of being kicked out of the house is a raw one for me. My wife kicked me out and threw my bags on the porch for, get this, looking at porn. Not a good thing I did, but come on. She even unplugged the garage door opener to make sure I didn't get in. I should have left then before I spent any more time with her. That's terrible. I would never do anythin like that.
so_difficult Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Hi Decisiontomake, thank you for your note on my thread I think the difference between you and me is that now I've made the decision but can't seem to go through with it whereas you are still sitting on the fence. Someone recommended a book to me, which was helpful in solidifying the decision I'd already made. Not that I've made the final move yet. For some people it seems to make everything much clearer, whether the answer ends up being to stay or go. The book is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It might help clarify things for you. I will also throw a thought at you, for what it's worth. My H does little to contribute financially, thinks he does tons of stuff around the house and certainly does some but it's nowhere near what I would expect a homemaker to do. My big issue is that he actually loses money constantly, putting us (me) further and further into debt. On top of this he spends so much time "running his business" that he has less to contribute otherwise. I realize this is me and not you, but I would be okay with him having little ambition and staying home. In fact a few years ago we decided he would stay home while I worked. The problem is he has loads of ambition but misplaces it, meaning his time and effort, a lot of the money I make and the little money he makes all go toward supporting what I refer to as his expensive hobby -- losing money in business after business. Instead of staying home looking after the house, or just enjoying life, for that matter, he stays home "working" for hours on the computer, losing money. Then he gets some dead-end low-paying job for a few months to try to pay some of his debt, quitting a few months later to work on his business again. I'd choose lack of ambition over misplaced ambition any day. But again, I totally get that it's your relationship we're talking about and not mine, and what works/doesn't work for me will not be the same as for you. One thing that does continually strike me in your posts is that you still love him and that you still have a good sex life. These two things speak volumes, probably because neither is true for me. I do find it interesting that my H is 10 years older than me whereas yours is 11 years older than you. Mine seemed so mature and responsible to me then, whereas now he seems completely irresponsible!
the ill-made knight Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I have a personality that's always searching for contentment (best way to put it in a nutshell), and I don't want that to be leading me to look harshly on my marriage. The above sounds like a character flaw. I would like to ask you something, if your husband was to fix the issues that you have with him, would you be entirely happy in your marriage then? I think that's a telling question. Some people I find are never happy. Not truly, they are always looking for better, for more, etc. Are you that type of person? As for your husband not pulling his weight, have you tried simply taking a step back? I was unemployed a while back and when I was I did all of the cooking, cleaning, etc. around the house for my ex and myself. When I got a job again I expected things to go back to half and half, but he had gotten used to me doing everything and thought/expected that I still would. I found the simple solution to that problem was just to stop doing everything. I did my half and the rest was left up to him.
standtall Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Decision..since your the one that expects your husband to make you happy, your the one who wants out, your the one that is abandoning your marriage, then you should be the one packing the bags and moving out..period.
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 You made a vow to stay with this guy through good times and bad right? You have children right? Can you guys work on making things better? Does it always have to be butterflies in your stomach for you to stay? I think a big part of mature love is about committment and not flights of fantasy and constant giddy feelings. It never even entered my mind to resnet my wife for not making money...well until divorce and she wants to take half of everything after cheating on me...but I digress Have you guys gone to counseling, or have you yourself? Make some serious efforts. And if someone leaves the house, shouldn't it be the one who wants out of the relationship? What did your H do? Did he want to leave? I don't think so. Why should it always be the man who leaves A) the bed or B) the house... regardless of whose problem it is?
2sunny Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Since you're not happy... You need to find out what that looks like for you. No one can give you that but yourself. You are looking to your H to provide you with something that HE can't give you. Look within... It's not right to stay with him - mainly because you are only offering him your unhappy self ---> who would want that? You have work to do in order to gain clarity about self. It really has nothing to do with your husband - it only has to do with yourself and YOUR expectations.
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