Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 So my previous posts have talked about the potential for my husband and I to separate. Things have not been great over the last few weeks, inparticular, although we've had "ups and downs" throughout our 21 years together. So this weekend I tell him we need space - and that he should check into a hotel and then see about a short let on an apartment. At the time we were having these discussions I was sure it was what I wanted - the right thing to do given my feeling that our marriage will inevitably fail. However, when the time came - him packing his suitcase - I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him go. I have no idea wtf I'm doing. I love him - he has many many great qualities and I am still attracted to him. So, what is it that I think I'm missing? After the whole incident of him packing on Saturday, we sat and talked, he unpacked and we went out for dinner, ending up having a lovely evening, a great Sunday and an equally nice Monday. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Our problems are probably minimal compared to some marriages, but I can't help but still feel that we are not meant for each other for the next forty years. I'm in IC, trying to work through this. I have a personality that's always searching for contentment (best way to put it in a nutshell), and I don't want that to be leading me to look harshly on my marriage. All of my friends do not express surprise that I am feeling this way - stating that they were never sure we were well suited due to our differences in drive, and personality. We've always joked it's a ying and yang thing. I am lost. Thoughts? Comments? Virtual slaps around the face to bring me to my senses??!
Owl Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 So what ARE the actual "downs" in your marriage? What is it that you dislike about him that causes you to lose attraction/feelings for him? Do a balance sheet...list the positives of being in a relationship with him, and the negatives. Why do you feel the way you feel? I don't see that well spelled out in this thread or your previous posts.
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 Our issues over the years have been down to my resentment over his inability to either financially support us, or his lack of "follow through" on most things. Trivial I am sure to some people. But what they have culminated in is me feeling like a "walk away spouse" - one who has expressed her point many times over the years, suggested solutions and actions that can be taken, only to watch him do them for a while and then stop doing them again when the nagging stops, as he then thinks everything is OK again. No, he is not abusive - although I always find this strange that people use this fact as a reason I should definitely stay - is this the only barometer out there for a happy marriage? He is a great guy - my biggest cheerleader, and someone who knows me totally - understands me BUT I can't shake this intangible feeling I have that I should not be with him. I'm trying to silence it, I really am - I don't want to divorce, with all the heartache that will come with it - but I don't want to be posting on here in another 5 or 10 years saying that I'm unhappy with the same things.
TaraMaiden Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Find a happy compromise. Divorce, lead independent lives with no dependence on each other - but date exclusively. That way, you are responsible for you, he is responsible for him - but you have the benefit of dating one another and still having a good time. is all I can suggest.
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I'm sure someone else will bring this up, so I may as well be the first: Why should your husband be the one who leaves the house? Was he willing to go when you brought the subject up? If he were posting here instead of you, he'd have page after page of people telling him not to leave the house, that if his wife was the one who wanted to separate, that she should be the one who leaves, particularly if there are kids involved (as leaving would adversely impact custody and home possession issues down the road). Are you thinking far enough ahead that those are in fact the reasons you want (or at least "wanted")him to be the one who leaves? If not, then why?
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Hadn't thought one iota about legal issues/possession etc. We were thinking about what is best for our children (17 and 14) in terms of me being the one that is closest to them, and most likely to be the one that would get them through what was going on. As simple as that really. Otherwise, I would be/have been prepared to be the one moving out. On a separate note though my husband doesn't earn enough to even cover our mortgage so, as much as we were going to keep our finances together during any separation (for major things), that was a factor too. And yes, he was willing to go. Edited September 4, 2012 by Decisiontomake Forgot to answer some of previous posters question
Woggle Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 No offense personally to you but if I were him I would have not unpacked my bags and I would be looking for an apartmant right now. One thing I will not live with is this indecision stuff from a partner.
KathyM Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Don't separate or divorce. You obviously love him and would miss him terribly if he left. If he's not pulling his weight financially, that can be worked on, whether it's from lack of motivation or lack of skills/training, those things can be corrected. See a marriage counselor and work on improving whatever issues there are in your marriage or in yourselves.
GorillaTheater Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Okay, thanks. Have you given thought to separate bedrroms? Sort of an "in house" separation? If my wife suggested it, I'd probably opt for divorce instead, but my understanding is that there are couples who make this work. Would that address any of the issues in your marriage? I'll be the first to bring this up as well: is there another man, or at least the thought of other men, that you're interested in?
M30USA Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) You resent him for not adequately providing financially. Let me ask you: are you maintaining the home, cooking, and giving him sex frequently? Just asking. You obviously have standards and expectations for him. It's only fair that you have some as well. Edited: Sorry, my comments only apply if you expect him to be primary breadwinner. Everyone of course should have a job or at least attempt to contribute financially. Hope you didn't misunderstand me. Edited September 4, 2012 by M30USA
KathyM Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 No separate bedrooms. Please. One sure fire way to have your marriage spiral downhill is to have separate bedrooms. A married couple needs the physical and emotional bonding that sharing a bed at night provides. Don't go down that road if you want to improve things in your marriage.
M30USA Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 No separate bedrooms. Please. One sure fire way to have your marriage spiral downhill is to have separate bedrooms. A married couple needs the physical and emotional bonding that sharing a bed at night provides. Don't go down that road if you want to improve things in your marriage. Totally disagree. This is highly, highly individual. In fact it can SAVE some marriages.
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 No offense personally to you but if I were him I would have not unpacked my bags and I would be looking for an apartmant right now. One thing I will not live with is this indecision stuff from a partner. No offense taken! I completely agree with you, and I hate the fact I'm putting him through this. That was another reason I thought we might be better apart, for at least a while, so that he didn't have to ride my personal rollercoaster with me. This is part of his personality, and commitment, though - he's trying to let me ride out what I'm feeling, showing that he still loves me and is committed - so that when my madness stops, we'll still be OK.
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 You resent him for not adequately providing financially. Let me ask you: are you maintaining the home, cooking, and giving him sex frequently? Just asking. You obviously have standards and expectations for him. It's only fair that you have some as well. Edited: Sorry, my comments only apply if you expect him to be primary breadwinner. Everyone of course should have a job or at least attempt to contribute financially. Hope you didn't misunderstand me. I am the CEO of my own company and am not expecting him to be the main breadwinner. I also cook, maintain the running of our home, and won't say I "give" him sex, as that's a shared experience, but yes we do that too! It is m ore about his attitude that I will do it so he doesn't have to - I earn the money, so why should he. I organize things, so why should he etc etc. It's about being a partner in the marriage rather than a passenger. I'd like a little more of that from him.
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 Okay, thanks. Have you given thought to separate bedrroms? Sort of an "in house" separation? If my wife suggested it, I'd probably opt for divorce instead, but my understanding is that there are couples who make this work. Would that address any of the issues in your marriage? I'll be the first to bring this up as well: is there another man, or at least the thought of other men, that you're interested in? Don't think this would work for us no as we are still very affectionate with each other - cuddling in bed etc, and I'm not sure I could be in the same house knowing he's sleeping upstairs! It's not the intimacy that is a problem, but thanks for your suggestion.
M30USA Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I understand. Did you know this upon marrying him?
Owl Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Totally disagree. This is highly, highly individual. In fact it can SAVE some marriages. I'll have to totally disagree with you. I've seen it tried many times...but as pointed out, not having that 'closeness' usually leads to seperate lives...and eventually distant, unhappy marriages that ultimately fail. I've never personally seen a couple pull this off and maintain a happy loving relationship. 1
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 I understand. Did you know this upon marrying him? I guess Yes and No. I was 17 when I met him. He was 28. I was a different person then, and the fact he was older made him appear more in control and responsible than his personality probably was/is! I'm not being flippant by saying that, but it's the best way to explain it. Over the last 21 years, I've grown in all ways - confidence, maturity, experience etc and he has pretty much stayed the same person he was when I first met him. Think that is some of our issue - his contentment level with life in general is way lower than mine. Make sense?
Woggle Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 The ironic thing is that if he left anyway and told you to make a decision it probably could have saved this marriage.
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 The ironic thing is that if he left anyway and told you to make a decision it probably could have saved this marriage. I agree with that too! He did say to me on Saturday, "would it make it easier on you if I just walked out". Part of me was screaming "yes, yes, yes" as that will bring me to my senses. The other part was screaming "God don't leave". I know I sound compltely insane and contradictory. Welcome to my madness.
Owl Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I am the CEO of my own company and am not expecting him to be the main breadwinner. I also cook, maintain the running of our home, and won't say I "give" him sex, as that's a shared experience, but yes we do that too! It is m ore about his attitude that I will do it so he doesn't have to - I earn the money, so why should he. I organize things, so why should he etc etc. It's about being a partner in the marriage rather than a passenger. I'd like a little more of that from him. OK...let's get a little more specific here. I'll be honest...if the two of you ARE making it financially...why should he have to earn more? It's entirely common even now to have many women who are content to be SAHM, or "housewives" and let their H's finance the marriage...I see nothing wrong with it being on the other hand. What motivation should he have for changing this particular facet? Same with the organization, for that matter. In my marriage, I'm the "earner". My wife is more of the "organizer", depending on some things. It sounds to me like he brings emotional stability to the relationship, and attempts to show you his love for you in other ways. Have the two of you read "The Five Love Languages"? Seems to me that there's a disconnect in how you both show and feel love. THAT might be someplace to focus. Additionally...what have the two of you done to fix the disconnect? Have you gone to marriage/relationship counseling? Individual therapy?
Author Decisiontomake Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 OK...let's get a little more specific here. I'll be honest...if the two of you ARE making it financially...why should he have to earn more? It's entirely common even now to have many women who are content to be SAHM, or "housewives" and let their H's finance the marriage...I see nothing wrong with it being on the other hand. What motivation should he have for changing this particular facet? Same with the organization, for that matter. In my marriage, I'm the "earner". My wife is more of the "organizer", depending on some things. It sounds to me like he brings emotional stability to the relationship, and attempts to show you his love for you in other ways. Have the two of you read "The Five Love Languages"? Seems to me that there's a disconnect in how you both show and feel love. THAT might be someplace to focus. Additionally...what have the two of you done to fix the disconnect? Have you gone to marriage/relationship counseling? Individual therapy? All valid points, well made. I am in IC at the moment, and we have had MC a few times over the years. I guess because of that I'm cynical now that it will work again, as I feel this is my discontent not his. However, I also see that relationships do continually evolve and therefore reevaluating how to navigate them is good as well. My IC is helping me figure some things out, although does make me terribly introspective for a couple of days afterwards which I think makes it hard on him - he spends that time worrying that I've uncovered something in myself that means it won't work, whereas I'm just quite as I reflect on what's been said at the sessions.
2sunny Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Your user name infers that you have to make a decision... Since your happiness IS based on what your H may or may not be doing - that's back wards. Either YOU are happy or your not. IF you make the money and YOU don't think he's DOING enough at home to help - tell him to help more! OR Accept that it's this way and live with it. YOUR indecision IS hurting him and others. That's not right to hurt people by changing YOUR mind.
Owl Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 IC can often be damaging to a marriage...IC's are only focused on the individual, and typically couldn't give a hang about what damage their advice might do to the marriage. Here's my last thought...sounds to me like you've given him plenty of "notice" that he needs to change, and yet he hasn't. Don't feel guilty if you decide to leave. But...realize as the CEO of your own company...you'll likely have to pay alimony/support for him.
M30USA Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 You'll have to forgive me. The subject of being kicked out of the house is a raw one for me. My wife kicked me out and threw my bags on the porch for, get this, looking at porn. Not a good thing I did, but come on. She even unplugged the garage door opener to make sure I didn't get in. I should have left then before I spent any more time with her.
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