Canuck123 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) My significant other and I have been together for almost 10yrs. We both were in unhealthy relationships and "made a decision" to have an affair. We both knew the consequences. We both left our spouses of 16 and 20yrs. We are fantastic partners. There is nothing I need or want for when it comes to material things or work. My partner had an extremely disfunctional upbringing and subsequently married a woman with extreme mental health issues. The scars of his past run deep and wide. Right from the beginning he struggled with erectional dysfunction. We talked about it and sought out medical assistance which helped for a while. The past 3 years have been torture. His libido has dropped off to the point where sex is something you do when there is absolutely no way out of it. Along with that come feelings of loneliness and rejection for me. We recently went on a body transition. Both of us lost a great deal of weight and we both look and feel great. Due to his rejections as a child, he needs a ton of validation that he looks good and that he is desirable. I try hard to support him but at times it is a bit much. He really loves his own body a bit too much I think. So this brings me to my point. We maintained a great relationship with my ex and his new wife. We did this for our kids and so far it has been positive. Yesterday, my ex asked to speak with me and disclosed to me that my partner had been making advances to my ex's new wife. This included showing nude photo's of his junk and appearing naked in front of her when I was less than 20ft away. I confronted him and he admitted to these things. He says that both times he had been drinking and it was flirting that got out of hand. He says he has never "slept with anyone else" and I am the true love of his life. He apologized and stated that he will do anything I ask of him to save our relationship. To make matters worse, my ex's new wife told my kids, so everyone knew before me. I know this man loves me. I know that he would do anything to save our relationship. There are many many issues here. The biggest one for me is trust. The very core of our foundation is cracked and I am not sure I have the capacity to move forward. I know that many of you may judge me harshly because we had an affair and I get that. But this is 10yrs later. The other issue I am struggling with is "What kind of person takes nude photo's of themselves and shows them to their partners ex's new wife???? Call me crazy but that is just messed up. Is this cheating? Should I stay? So many peoples lives will be affected by my decision either way. I am so torn. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I am already sad and beaten down so please don't go on a witch hunt. I need some other views on this. Thanks. Edited September 4, 2012 by Canuck123
Chocolat Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I would not stay. What your partner did goes beyond infideltiy --- which is bad enough, but can sometimes be moved beyond. It speaks of deep issues on his part (as does the rest opf your story). If you decide to stay, it should be on the condition that your partner begin individual counseling immediately. I also think you might benefit from IC, as well. 1
96nole Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Your ex husband must not be a violent man. Your partner messed around with your ex husbands ex wife (you) and now he's trying to mess around with your ex husbands current wife. He keeps going after your ex husbands wives. Is your man sending naked pictures of himself to another woman cheating? I would think so. But only you can answer that. Some people have different views of what is considered cheating. You already know he is capable of cheating. He cheated with you. He needs a ton of validation about his body. I'm sure he'll seek out validation from others. He was probably doing that with your ex's wife. There may be other you don't know about. You already don't trust him. Your sex life is obviously less than satisfying. It doesn't matter if it's been 10 days or 10 years. You don't trust him at the core. The foundation of your relationship was cracked when it started. It was build on dishonesty. And you know deep down he is capable of cheating on you. How long do you want to keep living looking over your shoulder or watching him like a warden? A lot of lives were affected when you left your first husband for your partner. How is it any different now if you were to leave your partner?
BetrayedH Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. You're seeing that now and wow, he's pretty bold about it. Sounds like a freakin' idiot if you ask me. Why would you stay? Because it is inconvenient to leave? 1
Spark1111 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 This fluffy is so big, it will never float! OMG! This man needs so much IC to understand why he is acting out in such an outrageous manner.....with all of your xH's wives boot! Something is amiss, and it is too big for you alone to fix it.. Please seek professional help for the both of you. It is every bit as over the top as you suspect. This is NOT a drunken flirtatious act that crossed over a line..... It is every bit the what you feel, and then some. Something is very amiss within him, and he needs to fix it pronto. No more excuses from you; no poor me childhood or my first wive had mental health issues. He does too, and now he has to fix himself or HOW IN THE WORLD could you ever trust him again. Kudos to your first H for keeping calm and seeking you out to tell you the truth and not busting your current H to pieces.
GLDheart Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 The scene you paint is so irrational I can't imagine how you are coping with this. And how about Your Ex's new wife? What the heck was she doing to make your husband think the pics and the flash dance were ok??! A part of me thinks that the only way your EX didn't go ballistic is because he's too busy laughing that karma is finally catching up and you got yourself a peach of a man there. 3
Summer Breeze Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I agree with Spark that he's got some really deep issues. I also am weirded out by the xHs new W. She told your kids? Or even she and your xH told your kids? He got naked in front of her when you were 20 ft away? Huh. What's that all about. I'd have kicked off and you would have known in an instant what was going on. Was your xH there then as well? I'm baffled but I think I'd probably divorce the whole bunch of them and move on with my life!
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