AG Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 Hi Everyone, My girlfriend and i have been together for close to 2 years. She's 21 and i am 28. We are both very much in love with each other. Recently i began pressuring her and making her feel trapped. i wasn't sure why at the time but instead of stopping i just kept doing it. She tried telling me her concerns but i wasn't listening. on Thursday we talked and she told me her concerns and we were almost out of the woods but we ended up talking about alot of other stuff. she got upset, left and told me she needs time to think. i did everything wrong when she told me she wanted to leave like telling her i love her and begging her to stay. i let her go after that and walked her to her car. i told her that i think this will make our relationship stronger. during our argument she told me that i had to let her go that night because she does not want to break up with me right now. she also said the time apart would be good because it will give us time to miss each other. since this happened i called her once on Sunday night and left her a message. i kept it real light and brief just asking her about her weekend and telling her what i did. i also made a point of sounding confident. i have not heard back from her and do not expect to for a while. i'm trying the no conatact thing but it sucks. i can't concentrate on anything. i love her very much and i know she feels the same. i'm almost glad we haven't talked because i think it's better right now. i strongly beleive she is not contacting me because that is her way of doing what she can to save our relationship. it sucks for me though. i want to contact her but i know it will only make things worse. i'm confident i'll hear from her @ some point but the waiting sucks. i was thinking about calling her on Friday if i don't hear from her at all this week. if i do i'm not sure if i should let her know i thought about things and think she was right, or just keep it real light again like saying hi and seeing how she is. What do you guys think abouth the Friday call and our chances of mending this relationship?
StartingAgain Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 You've answered your own question. You are doing no contact and that means no contact. It makes no difference if it's Friday or Sunday or how badly you miss her. Rather, just send her an I miss you card with nothing more in it than and "I love you." Give her some time. How long depends on her. How long you're willing to wait depends on you. Understand that there may be something else going on here that you don't know. And brace yourself for the possibility that she could be through. Usually when woman says "I need time," she means just that, but quite often, she means "I'm finished with this relationship." When a woman has been pushed too far, she will shut down emotionally. Next time you have a serious talk with your woman, stay on track. Don't discuss any other issues than the one at hand. Women's minds work differently than ours and sometimes things boil up out of their minds that can really confuse everything when they are upset. It is best to set ground rules before having such discussions. One of these should be that neither iof you can bring up any topic other than the one being discussed. Another is that neither is allowed to be disrespectful. And, most importantly, if either becomes angry, the discussion stops immmediately and does npt resume until the fires have cooled a bit.
Starting Over Posted July 21, 2004 Posted July 21, 2004 It sounds like you are already on track...you have realized that you may have been putting too much pressure on her...and you have backed off. The one time you did talk, you kept it light. I just was in a similar situation...only my boyfriend wanted a break. I made the crazy three a.m. "I love you and miss you" phone call and he broke up with me completely two days later. I regret that. It's so hard to do the no contact thing when you're not the one needing the space. It's helps me to say the serenity prayer when I feel like calling him (still)..."God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things (and people) I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I hope that helps...I'll keep you in my prayers. Sincerely, S.O.
AG Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 Thanks, for your kelp. i i am trying to be strong for bith of us by giving her what she needs right now even though it's difficult. i also know this time apart has been hard for her too. i am confident if and when i get a chance to talk to her i can show her i that she was right and let her know this break could turn out to be the best thing for us. What do you think?
StartingAgain Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 Telling her you've changed will do nothing. You must *show* her you've changed and must be consistent. So you're only approach to her sheould be to tell her that you've spent your time carefully considering what she has told you and that you'd like the opportunity to show her how you've changed. Women don't fall for the "oh, but baby, I've changed!" line. All women are Missouri......
AG Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 i sincerely want to do that. i hope she gives me that opportunity. i was thinking about the next time i talk to her or try to contact her letting her know i really thought about the the things she said and the decisioon she made and i would like to discuss some things with her, and to call me or contact me when she's ready. do you think that sound ok?
StartingAgain Posted July 22, 2004 Posted July 22, 2004 Yes, and be prepared to give her real answers to any questions she poses. Don't just give her the trite answers that she's probably heard before.
Nemmy Posted July 23, 2004 Posted July 23, 2004 Don't try to contact her. Wait until she's ready. If you try contacting her, you'll be right back to square one. It's driving you nuts, fine, but you have to do it her way if you want her to come back to you. In the meantime find something to do other than sitting around thinking. That just gives your imagination time to invent all kinds of crap that won't help your situation. Good luck!
Starting Over Posted July 29, 2004 Posted July 29, 2004 I have to second what Nemmy has said. You can tell her the door is open, but other than that, I wouldn't pursue her. I pushed my ex away. He just wanted a temporary break, and I drove him to making a "clean break" of it. And I only called once and sent about four emails!! And he emailed me first. I have completely stopped contacting him, partially in hope that it will do some good (if I'm honest with myself). But mostly I'm moving on. I told a friend yesterday that I feel like my brain can't stop plotting things I could say or do to get him back...to try to fix things. She said, "Desperation breeds plotting". Just like when you're drowing...you feel like you must do something to save yourself and your mind races for solutions. Although it feels like it, this relationship of mine is not life or death!! It is a small part of my life that didn't go as I had desired it to go. There are lots of other parts of my life that are going well. And I am a whole person all by myself...or I'm working on it anyway. I hope that sharing helps you out. S.O.
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