How do I show her I care?

[Oobi]

Please excuse me if I seem a bit uncomfortable with this story , I've yet to really open up about it with people before. It's gonna be really long too, so buckle up.

 

In July of 2009 I met a girl whom I became friends with over the internet. I was 15 then, and so was she. That summer was shaping up to be a difficult one, the general mood everywhere seemed to be sad. I believe Michael Jackson had passed just recently and whenever you turned on the news there would be people crying or mourning the guy. For my family things got bad on a more personnel level, when my great grandfather passed away soon after. Attending his funeral was extremely hard and I found myself in a depressed state of mind. I was going into my sophomore year in high school, and because my parents decided to move at the end of my ninth grade year, I was about to start at a new school.

 

I was incredibly anxious about trying to make new friends. Being a freshmen allows one to bond with other underclassmen and form friendships that a lot of times last until you graduate. But now I had to be the fish out of water in a brand new school with new people. On top of that, many of my friends from before seemed to find little interest in talking to me anymore because I was moving away. It really put things into perspective regarding the sometimes (a lot of times I should say) shallow nature of high school friendships/relationships.

 

Because of all this, after the funeral I was pretty emotionally wreaked and was looking for outlets to vent my feelings. I started using an online social site called gaiaonline (thought it was pretty neat at the time ) This was definitly good for me though, It was either use gaia, or keep everything locked inside. I pretty much used the website to find random people to talk to and try and sort out how I felt.

 

Looking back, very self centered, but I was a young teen then. Once I could find someone to talk with I'd tell my story and relish in feeling sorry for myself( or them feeling sorry for me) It made me feel better in the moment, but I was still messed up deep down and didn't want to admit that I wasn't sure how to heal. It wasn't just the things that had happened that summer, but a build up of so much over my entire life up until that point that I had buried away, came up then and I couldn't deal.

 

One night I meet a girl in a chat room as I'm looking to shoot the breeze with someone. Unlike everybody I had talked to before, I got a different vibe from her instantly. She seemed very cheerful and had a good sense of humor, and i found myself just wanting to talk with her, not tell her anything about myself. For that she was perfect, she was the first person in a long tome (if ever, really) that I could just talk to naturally and forget about what ever was bothering me. I really needed the laughs at that time and she was constantly supplying them. What made it every better was she seemed to really like me, and mentioned that I was funny. We became acquaintances and began talking to one another whenever we both were online.

 

Over the course of that fall and winter, we were sending a lot of messages to each other and it became apparent to me that I was only using gaia to keep in contact with her. At that point I had been in my new school for a semester and had made many new friends and met a lot of cute girls, but for some reason I found myself looking forward to talking with her more than anyone else. I just chopped it up to not being able to see her on a regular occasion like my other friends. In Jan of 2010 she asked me if I had a facebook, even though she had other friends over gaia, she wanted to get to know me better and wasn't planning on using the site anymore. I guess you could say this was the first indication of things to come, as I was beginning to take more of an interest in her.

 

Facebook changed things a lot because now it was really us, our real names, real faces, real friends and families. I found myself thinking of her more and more often than one should be thinking of an online friend. When I got my first cell phone, I nervously thought of ways to casually ask for her number. I didn't want it to seem weird since she lived in Ohio and I in North Carolina. But she seemed cool with the idea, and joked around with me about it when I eventually asked.

 

I knew I had a crush by then. Now it wasn't a matter of her being online, I could talk to her whenever I wanted to. It actually bummed me out at first, she didn't seem to text me ever. I had to be the one to reach out and start up conversation. But one day I got one from her, and soon afterwards it started happening every other day. By that summer we had known each other for a year and started having phone conversations. This changed the dynamic of the relationship extremely. our conversations would range further than just the typical joke's like we had always done. I was really beginning to know her as a person and the topics became deep. Over the phone, we started having moments with each other that wouldn't have happened online.

 

I think we both new there was something between us, I could here it in her voice sometimes, just the way she would give me compliments, or when she was talking about me. We would be talking and she'd randomly say " Hey, you're really cool you know that?" or "You're so funny, I like you!" It wasn't in a obvious "Hey dude, I'm trying to hit on you" kind of way, more like she was admitting it to herself when she would say them. I would do it too, it was like I felt this strong urge to let her know that I liked her, kinda in a subtle way.

 

She's a few months older than me, so that put her in a higher grade. by the end of 2010 I was wrestling with my feelings for her and what to do. Because she lived in a different state, I couldn't go about dating her like any other girl. She was in her senior year of high school too, I knew when she eventually got into college there'd be a swarm of guys over her that I couldn't compete with. From a distance at least.

 

I really didn't know what to say or where to begin, or even if she liked me as much as I liked her. For the longest time I decide not to say anything. I had dated before in high school and asked girls out, it wasn't a confidence thing, but this situation was very different from those, it being a LD thing. I tried to let my feelings go and move on to other people because it seemed to unlikely.

 

By Christmas of 2010 she broke my willpower. I returned home from my relatives house to find a video on my facebook wall. In the video, she had this homemade card with my name on it and she had this oversized santa hat on. She wished me a happy holidays, then paused and said " you make me laugh soooooooooo much and....you're awesome!" The way she said all of that, it left me really touched/flattered. I could tell she was really trying to convey how much I meant to her as a friend.

 

I thought back on all those friends who had stopped speaking to me when I switched high schools, even friends i had then who never took the time to just say "hi" and see how I was doing. The fact tat a girl who lived hundreds of miles away could care enough to do it made me sure that I did have strong feelings for her, and that i had to say something before she went to college.

 

By March of 2011 I had been 17 for a couple of months, and was ready to let her know how I felt. I avoided saying anything around my birthday in January, or around Valentine's Day in order to give myself time to clearly think things through. I was still nervous because I cared about her so much.

 

Then came the call. When I started talking, it was like I forgot everything else and just kept speaking. I let her know everything. She was very quiet for the longest time, it seemed like forever to me on the other end of the line. She eventually responded and said she had the same thoughts as me, but because of the distance, she let her feelings fade, figuring it would never happen.

 

I was pretty gutted. After all that had happened, her feelings had just "faded away". At the time I didn't really think about how upset she sounded when saying this, I was hurt myself and couldn't think straight to save my life. She also insisted we stay friends and that I take some time to think about everything before we started talking again. At the time I figured she was just feeling bad for me, hell she probably was to an extent, but later on I questioned why she had said for me to take time off.

 

Being letdown put me in a very depressed state, more so than normally. I felt unmotivated to do anything. School became a big problem as I wasn't able to concentrate on my work, nor did I really care about getting it done. Trying to sleep at night also developed into a problem. I had big time insomnia and began to have a very negative outlook on life in general.

 

That entire summer of 2011 was strange, I pretty much buried my feelings away and attempted to resume our friendship like nothing happened. She began calling me her "best guy friend" which I figured was the best I was ever gonna get. The mindset was terrible to be in, pathetic really. My senior year of high school began as she left for college. I tried to turn things around when it came to dating, I had a unofficial relationship that abruptly ended before it started in October of 2011. She started dating a guy at her university that same month too. My older brother and his girlfriend teasingly noted the similarities between me and him. Appearance wise, it was vague at best, but I couldn't help but note that me and this other guy were kind of similar..

 

Overtime, I started thinking about the entire conversation between me and her regarding my feelings. Things weren't adding up. Despite being letdown, she was still talking to me just as much. One of the main things that fueled the contact between me and her was the attraction. It went without saying, but it was there and we both felt it. I could still feel that when I spoke with her, so I couldn't help but wonder if she did too. Only thing was, she had a boyfriend, how could she feel the same and be with him?

 

The nature of our conversations just didn't feel right for "friends". She would at times speak with me about things that honestly, she should have been telling her boyfriend. By December of 2011 I was fed up with the situation and let her know how angry I was about it all, but most of all, hurt. I realized I had put my heart out on a plate for her when I first admitted how I felt, was rejected, and continued to allow myself to be molded into her "best guy friend". On top of that, I felt teased and jealous to see her with her college guy and then have her call me wanting to have a long convo like we use to.

 

I decided that we shouldn't talk as much, since to me, it never was just gonna be a friend thing. In truth, I actually had no plans to talk to her again. It hurt to much to tell her that, so I didn't. Time would break down the connection and that would be it.

 

We didn't speak with each other for over a month, and for the two of us that seemed like a long time. remember, we had been talking to each other nearly every other day for about 2 years at that point. Serious problems arose for me at the end of my senior year that left me pretty shaken. i had run the risk of not graduating because of defaulted math classes. i was given 2 months to pass 2 higher level math courses otherwise i was gonna be sent of to some weird remedial school for sub seniors. it was pretty devastating as I had been planning to got to 4 year college all along. My other grade's were pretty good too, but all university plans were out the window, even if I passed the classes. It was now about getting out of high school.

 

She had been making various attempts to get in touch with me at the time, and I happily obliged. Very quickly I found myself emotionally dependent on her. I really needed someone to listen to me. I needed advice, support. Just needed to know if someone was there for me. My other friends were all accepted in their uni's at this point, and most were looking forward to graduation ceremony. I already knew I didn't have the chance to walk the stage, but I could still get my diploma and move on from the mess if i gave it my all.

 

Unlike way back when I was feeling down about my grandfather passing away, this was more serious. back then I was younger, it was like I liked feeling bad for myself then. It why I had been going on that stupid gaiaonline in the first place. This was in a completely different league. I've always been a generally positive thinking person, but more so than any other point in my life did I feel the urge to die. I kept thinking about not being alive, and it scared me because whenever i did I felt relaxed, like I wanted it to happen. Everything had pretty much gone to ****. 4 year school was done for, I might not graduate, my friends were moving on to bigger and better things without me, and nothing with her had gone remotely right at all.

 

It was my lowest moment and she was always willing to lend a ear if I needed to speak with someone, not to mention she had a way of making me laugh despite everything that was going on. I somehow persevered and finished the classes in time. I missed out on my grad ceremony but at that point I really didn't care. My diploma was mailed and I went into recovery over this past summer. I spent so much time sleeping and welling on all the things that had gone down, I hadn't noticed how much weight I had lost.

 

But because my future prospect's were once again secured, I saw a major turn around. I was just sick of being sad about things. It's a heck of a lot better to be happy I also started looking into girls again for the first time since October of last year. Over the summer, she also broke up with her boyfriend. I actually wasn't happy about this like I thought I would be going. I actually felt bad. She seemed happy with the guy on the surface and I didn't want her down about breaking up with him. As for me, It was fun getting back into dating, but I still felt nagged about me and her.

 

A few weeks ago she had her 19th birthday, and as always, I sent my wishes. She seemed pretty happy about my message and wanted to thank me over the phone. We didn't get around to talking until last Wednesday. We skyped for hours and soon it was late at night. I had neglected to walk my dog because of our conversation, but she wanted to keep talking, so we continued over the phone.

 

Before I mentioned that over the phone we were able to have moments that you couldn't over the net, but even this was different. It was such a beautiful night, and we spoke about how we enjoyed taking walks at night at times. it was a very surreal moment for me, she described it like being in your own world with no one around, and how she found it peaceful. It was like she was right there with me seeing everything I could. I just felt very happy and glad to her friend. I almost don't even want to tell you all this, because it feels very special to me.

 

When I got back in, we started reminiscing on the years we've known each other, how awkward the gaia days were, to the weird second year. I didn't like referring to it as weird either. And to her that It meant more to me than that. The tone of the conversation shifted, and she wanted me to explain more. At first, by instinct I told her I was uncomfortable talking about it, like I had been since I first told her how I felt, and even more so after I nearly forcefully ended the friendship. Guess it was something in the way she told me "You don't have to be" that made me realize that I didn't. The whole second year had been marked by me falling for her, despite the distance, and every other obstacle I put in my own way.

 

I went on to once again tell her how I felt, though this time, I wasn't scared and nerve wrecked like the first time, or heartbroken and frustrated like the second. This time felt calm and happy. No matter how much I tried to look into other girls I couldn't help but compare them to her and note how much they never matched up. I admitted that I've never been in love with someone before, but there was no other way I could describe it, and there didn't need to be.

 

What came next really took me by surprise though. I thought I would get the same treatment as before. Instead, she sounded very emotional, and started explaining everything to me. She had originally let me down because at the time, she didn't know how to express her own feelings due to the distance. It's why she wanted to keep talking, because the feelings had always been there for her. As time went on, she explained that she felt horrible for not telling the truth, and would often sit around and think about me and felt like she had blown her chance. She tried to bury her feelings away and move on, but a lot of times she would try and talk with her boyfriend and wish she could speak with me instead. Even though they could see each other everyday me and her still had a more personnel relationship even while living in different states.

 

She was very apologetic, and told me that she didn't feel like she deserved my affection. When I questioned her about how she felt, she said she does love me and that this is the first time she's been able to say it and mean it to anyone.

 

We've always talked about meeting up in person, she's always made a note to say when we meet, not if. But now it's got to happen. I decided it's best not to be in a LDR, which she agreed with, because it would put to much emphasis on the two of us eventually meeting up. things would become over dramatic and the relationship would pull away from what really makes it special. I really wan't it to be like our usual conversations, just not restricted by the distance anymore. I don't wan't it to become some "long distance lovers" soap opera. I also told her to keep her options open. As crazy as that sounds, I want to avoid what happened with her last boyfriend. If she finds some new guy who she really falls hard for, let it be because she reallllly likes him you know?? I don't wan't to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. We need to get a feel for each other in person before we decided to start a LDR.

 

I don't want her to feel tied down to me, or vice versa. I understand her fear of "what if" and the uncertainty of the relationship. But at the same time, taking these pre measures to save the relationship in the future might kill it before we do. I'm not a dummy, when I say "options" I don't mean bench me and find some boy toys to fill the time with while I find a way to get there. I don't want her to feel overwhelmed and shut me out like she basically did the first 3 years, but I want a sense of security my self you know? Some commitment from her regarding starting relationships. Because if she does I view that as the end of it, though I'm not saying that because then she feels pressured!!!

 

**** LDR!

 

This finally brings me to my question, how do I show her I care? Until we meet up, what can I do to really show her I love her without having to drop the L word? I've got no problem saying that once I know we're dating, but because we aren't official it doesn't feel appropriate, even though we both feel the same way. If you read ll of this, thanks and please post some advice on how I should go about things from here on out.