So I apparently have a smoking fetish

[ExRadioDJ41]

Hello,

 

I've been away from this site for years. I sortof can't believe I remembered my username on here. lol

 

I've had horrible relationships in the past (documented on this site actually lol). I am now to the three year point of another relationship. My girlfriend is currently living with me.

 

For my entire life, since I was like maybe even as young as 10 years old, I've sort of known that I've had this like interest or attraction to or whatever you would want to call it... women that smoke cigarettes. I have no idea why. I don't smoke. But I can't see someone doing that (as long as they otherwise would be attractive to me) without getting very aroused. It's much stronger of an arousal than I'd get by seeing a woman naked, a porn video, etc.

 

I know logically that it isn't a sexual thing. And I'm sure even before I click "submit" to post this that I'll get plenty of replies telling me what a disgusting unhealthy habit it is. I sort of understand. It was actually never my intention to even persue this interest of mine and I've never had a desire to smoke myself. I was over 30 before I even dated someone that smoked. The majority of my life - every girlfriend up to now actually - I've just dated nonsmokers to totally avoid this issue. I never knew how I'd explain this issue to someone, and it just sort of seemed creepy or too unusual for me to explore.

 

But after a really bad breakup, I joined a dating site. Someone contacted me there that I had a lot in common with and was physically attracted to her. She later told me she was a smoker. I eventually confessed to her about my interest, and she spent at least a year or so while we were dating using it as a way to reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally interest me pushing all of the right buttons. It was like having a perfect fantasy girl.

 

Then after a year of total perfectness in our relationship, she moves out of her apartment and in with me...

 

And one of the first things she does after moving in is quits smoking lol. She literally only smoked for 2 days living here.

 

Now, for the few months living here, she would still smoke for me every 2-3 weeks because she knew that I was into it. This didn't last long tho. She started getting really negative about it and complaining about the health issues. After a couple months, she just said she wasn't into it anymore because it was too unhealthy, and was never going to smoke again in her life.

 

Now, I'm not the controlling type, and I try to be supportive and let people make their own decisions. I don't really want someone doing something they don't want to do because of me. But wow. It sure seems sort of odd how this all went down.

 

Because I'm a human guy that makes mistakes, I've tried to communicate a couple of times how much I sort of miss it. I wasn't meaning that she start smoking again daily but I don't believe most things are that unhealthy in moderation. I was just even sort of aiming for like once a month or even a couple times a year or something but she keeps repeating basically it's just "too unhealthy". Then she acts like I'm trying to push her to something that's really unsafe for her. "Why would you want me to do something thats unhealthy for me?", I get asked. It wasn't like she had any medical issue or received advice from any doctor - just all of a sudden she seems to have developed this opinion. And prior to knowing me, she's smoked for more than 20 years. We're both in our mid 30's.

 

THIS IS A RIDICULOUS ISSUE. As I type this, I understand that 10000%. I hate to bring it up to her again. I hate to keep thinking about it. But for whatever reason, and I was honest with her from the very beginning that she told me, it's just something that I find an incredible turnon. I've tried being honest with her about my feelings. I've thought maybe if she wanted to stop participating in my interests about just trying to supplement this weirder interest with things on the side like maybe calling a 900 number or some webcam service or whatever just to have one of the women smoke. I'm not suggesting any type of cheating. I am not looking for sex from any other woman. But I also know that while it might be temporarily satisfying to persue one of those other avenues, it isn't what I really want either.

 

I have tried just doing the right thing which I believe to be just accepting this and moving on and enjoying the rest of our relationship. There is a lot more to it than that. But I'm finding there is like resentment from me and I can't help but feel like shes no longer interested in turning me on and not quite understanding what happened in this issue. When we were dating, it was our nightly ritual where I'd either watch her on webcam if we were in separate places or smoking in person which would usually lead to something sexual. Now, just nothing. Our more traditional sex life has obviously decreased as well being three years into a relationship so it's just a double whammy. Every single night when we're going to bed is just so annoying and unsatisfying now. She seems perfectly content with just going right to sleep.

 

Am I being totally unreasonable? Do I need some kind of therapy? Literally, it gets increasingly frustrating because the longer I go without exploring this side now that I have, I sort of long for it more and more... it's becoming a much bigger issue than it should be and I know that me pushing it is just driving her further away from ever doing it again which is just the opposite of what I want. Seems hopeless.

Edited September 4, 2012 by ExRadioDJ41

[Radu]

I don't think it's a ridiculous issue because you have tried to go around it, thought about it, thought about how it impacts your relationship ... etc.

 

The part that really shocks me in your post is that you do not describe any attempts on her part to work around this issue with your well being in mind.

 

I actually find her answer to be quite selfish.

 

Read this, which parts apply to you ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smoking_fetishism

 

PS: When you were little, did you use to masturbate a lot while thinking of some woman who smoked ?

[sabre80]

I was lurking about and saw this post. Registered to give my .02

 

Have your girl look into e-ciggarettes. Even better pick one up as a gift. Don't go buying one from the mall. They are cheap crap and WAY more expensive than quality stuff.

 

A little bit of googling and you can find some good quality stuff.

 

I use an e-cig. It has been the only thing to help me quit. Patches and gum and even the oral medication didn't help. You can choose the nicotine content and I have been weaning myself down. They even make the juice non nicotine. And they have loads of flavours out there.

 

Kill 3 birds with one stone.

Helps her quit easier

Still feeds your fetish

When she is down to 0 nicotine the juice is made of Vegetable glycerine (cake icing) and candy flavouring. All food grade stuff so no health risk.

[Disillusioned]

Hey, OP, it's not such a big deal as you might think... as a kid who grew up in the 70s and early 80s, I was surrounded by older female relatives who all smoked, not to mention magazines which were chock-full of Virginia Slims ads featuring gorgeous models showing off their long, thin cigarettes like they were diamond rings. Hell, who WOULDN'T have had a fetish??? I was never much of a kisser, so the adage about licking an ashtray just didn't hold for me.

 

But I notice nowadays, fewer people are smoking... as a result, it's harder to guess someone's age just by the way they look...

[ExRadioDJ41]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yes, Radu, definitely. I remember noticing that from very early on but didn't understand really until more recently. When I would write fiction in junior high school I would usually mention the female characters smoked, and what brands they did, etc. There were other things I remember too from being a young adult.

 

And thanks, sabre, I might try that. Not 100% sure it will interest me in the same way, or if she will be open to it.

 

And Disillusions, at this point, it's mainly only a big deal because I don't know how to deal with my girlfriend not wanting to be a part of it at all when previously that wasn't the case.

 

And I still don't really have a great answer but I do appreciate the replies.