Can't Stop Having Sex w/Ex

[Sunberry]

Yeah...

 

We broke up about 3 months ago and the relationship lasted almost 3 years. His reason being he doesn't love me anymore and he's not feeling it. I did absolutely nothing wrong. Well, I begged and cried all Summer. When we finally saw each other after a month, we did it. But afterwards, he felt like an ass and apologized to me. Afterwards, it just kept happening every time we're alone. So, we tried not being alone. Still ended up happening.

 

I had a conversation w/him pretty indirectly, I'm passive, that we can't keep going like this. I still love him a lot. I've tried absolutely everything to get him to come back to me. He says no. He said if we got back together it will never work and that I need to move on. He said I need to try...He said he's tired of talking about it. Though every time we do talk about it..the Russian polka begins a few days away.

 

I honestly don't know what to do..I want him back..I truly do..He's my first everything and it's honestly hard seeing life w/out him...I keep thinking, and I asked him, if I give him space maybe we work things out. He still says I can hope and dream all I want, it's not going to happen. I still want to hope..but I was told to give up on hope..

 

Any advice would help greatly

 

EDIT: Something I'd like to add. I'm mostly the one talking to him. If we're around friends, he'll initiate and we'll talk like buddies(sp.) like and usually hot and cold. If not, then it's me. There are times when I text how his day is and stuff and he won't talk to me at all. But when we're alone he's really sweet.. =/

Edited September 4, 2012 by Sunberry

[TaraMaiden]

Read "The all-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature, apply it absolutely 100%, and 100% of the time, stop being a silly pushover, and get some dignity.

You're a grown woman, not a wuss.

 

He will always have sex with you while you offer it so freely on a plate.

He should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of you - but you really should be ashamed of yourself for being so weak and capitulating.

Really hun, you need to get some fibre and dignity into your backbone, girl....

[Hobbit]

Sorry if this is blunt, but go no contact asap, he knows he's got sex on tap and is using your genuine love to fulfill his own needs

 

Im so sorry

[Sunberry]

Read "The all-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature, apply it absolutely 100%, and 100% of the time, stop being a silly pushover, and get some dignity.

You're a grown woman, not a wuss.

 

He will always have sex with you while you offer it so freely on a plate.

He should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of you - but you really should be ashamed of yourself for being so weak and capitulating.

Really hun, you need to get some fibre and dignity into your backbone, girl....

 

 

I understand

 

I understand that he's not 100% to blame for it, because I have some fault in it as well..I keep thinking that each time will be different..I sounded really stupid saying that but I've never felt pain like this before... =/

 

I don't really have a backbone..I'm one of those people who are careful w/their words... My family and friends would like me to curse him out, etc, etc..I would honestly like to be his friend. To go to movies and what not as friends..but it just ends like that. Then I realize we can't be friends, can we? I told him friends don't sleep w/each other. He says some of them do..and I felt wrong about it..

[Calico]

I'm not really in the best emotional shape right now to offer meaningful advice, but I do feel that you need rethink your desire to be his friend. My ex (ouch!) wanted me to be her friend, too, and it was really very tempting. A little seems better than nothing, but it's just self-deception. I wouldn't have stayed as a friend because that's what I want or what makes me happy. I would have stayed so that she doesn't forget me and that my presence somehow sparks renewed interest.

 

But even in my otherwise by delusions and self-deception infested state, it's crystal clear to me that it's a lose-lose situation. If you're his friend, he'll never get to miss you, and you'll never get past him. Could you really handle seeing him with another woman? A friend would be happy for him, genuinely so. That's what friends do. I dare say it would destroy you and cause you unspeakable pain. Be protective of your own heart.

 

Try to wrap your mind around the fact that it's over. He's told you so. What in the world drove him to have sex with you after he was "done" with you is completely beyond me. I'm a man, too, but that's the kind of stuff where I really think, "What a jerk!". Why would you want a man who uses you for physical pleasure, fully knowing that you hurt and miss him and want a relationship? How is that not abuse? He's using you! He's abusing you!! If a friend of yours told you that this is happening to her, what would you say to her?

 

He's given you even less than my ex gave me (she said she doesn't think it's the last time we speak and that perhaps one day she'll come back). She at least gave me something to hold onto when the pain gets too bad (although I think you are in a better situation, because what happens to me is like an alcoholic having a bottle of booze somewhere in the cupboard, as an "anchor"). But your ex was totally blunt about not wanting you. Walk away from that. If you want him back, you have a better chance by removing yourself from the situation. Especially stop the sex! You deserve better. Much better.

[Sunberry]

I'm not really in the best emotional shape right now to offer meaningful advice, but I do feel that you need rethink your desire to be his friend. My ex (ouch!) wanted me to be her friend, too, and it was really very tempting. A little seems better than nothing, but it's just self-deception. I wouldn't have stayed as a friend because that's what I want or what makes me happy. I would have stayed so that she doesn't forget me and that my presence somehow sparks renewed interest.

 

But even in my otherwise by delusions and self-deception infested state, it's crystal clear to me that it's a lose-lose situation. If you're his friend, he'll never get to miss you, and you'll never get past him. Could you really handle seeing him with another woman? A friend would be happy for him, genuinely so. That's what friends do. I dare say it would destroy you and cause you unspeakable pain. Be protective of your own heart.

 

Try to wrap your mind around the fact that it's over. He's told you so. What in the world drove him to have sex with you after he was "done" with you is completely beyond me. I'm a man, too, but that's the kind of stuff where I really think, "What a jerk!". Why would you want a man who uses you for physical pleasure, fully knowing that you hurt and miss him and want a relationship? How is that not abuse? He's using you! He's abusing you!! If a friend of yours told you that this is happening to her, what would you say to her?

 

He's given you even less than my ex gave me (she said she doesn't think it's the last time we speak and that perhaps one day she'll come back). She at least gave me something to hold onto when the pain gets too bad (although I think you are in a better situation, because what happens to me is like an alcoholic having a bottle of booze somewhere in the cupboard, as an "anchor"). But your ex was totally blunt about not wanting you. Walk away from that. If you want him back, you have a better chance by removing yourself from the situation. Especially stop the sex! You deserve better. Much better.

 

I would not be happy if I saw him w/another woman. I would be very upset and it would hurt 10x worse than what I am feeling now. I do agree, I don't want him to forget me, and I would like another shot at us. But, the sex just happens..

 

I told him I want to still hold on hope and that maybe one day he'll change his mind..he told me I'd be single for the rest of my life If I do. I told him I sort of wished I never met him and I apologized later because I regret saying that. I won't see him for a long time, I don't think..we share friends so seeing each other when breaks arise is inevitable. But, I can try to avoid seeing him at all costs.

 

Every time I see try going NC, I see him being relieved that I finally stopped and happy that I'm out of his life...I sent him a text stating my feelings again and he gave me the cold shoulder like he usually does when I try to have a decent conversation w/him through text. I did tell him we shouldn't be friends and he said "You think it'll help, okay" ...I feel so horrible inside, I just want to die.....

 

 

Someone told me the best way to get someone back is to let go. But I can't even bring myself to do it...

 

EDIT: His personality is different, every time depending on the setting..I know this doesn't change what I have to do...but I still do want him back...

Edited September 4, 2012 by Sunberry

[TaraMaiden]

I understand

 

I understand that he's not 100% to blame for it, because I have some fault in it as well..I keep thinking that each time will be different..I sounded really stupid saying that but I've never felt pain like this before...

And here's the paradox: It hurts, because in your head, while you're having sex, you're still together.

he's broken up with you - but you haven't broken up with him, so every time you part - you break up again.

When did you last see him/have sex with him?

That was your break up.

Until the next time you put yourself through the hell of being with him again. Then, the Pain will begin again, and intensify.

 

I don't really have a backbone..I'm one of those people who are careful w/their words... My family and friends would like me to curse him out, etc, etc..I would honestly like to be his friend. To go to movies and what not as friends..but it just ends like that. Then I realize we can't be friends, can we?

Well sweetheart, now's the time to start growing one.

Because you're right - while you have feelings for him, you can never, ever be his 'friend'.

I keep saying this (sorry regular members, for the repetition) but the only time you can be his friend is when you have reached a level of benevolent indifference.

That is, when you know he has lain with another woman, had sex with her, made love to her, created a baby with her and has a family of his own - and you are genuinely pleased for him, with absolutely no pang of envy, sadness or pain, but just shrug and think, "Yeah? Good on him, so what?" - then - and only then - can you consider being a friend.

If it doesn't impinge on his relationship with his wife/partner, that is.

her feelings come first for him, of course.

 

I told him friends don't sleep w/each other. He says some of them do..and I felt wrong about it..

Er....no, I don't think so....Friends don't 'sleep' with each other, unless it's a mutually agreed FWB arrangement. You just have sex for the sake of sex, have fun while it lasts and then go your separate ways, and not be exclusive either. You just have carnal fun together with no emotional strings attached....

 

.

..I sent him a text stating my feelings again and he gave me the cold shoulder like he usually does when I try to have a decent conversation w/him through text. I did tell him we shouldn't be friends and he said "You think it'll help, okay" ...I feel so horrible inside, I just want to die.....

God, he is so playing you... he tells you in so many words that if you wait for him, you'll be single for ever, but he pretends to leave it all to you to not be friends... Not "Yeah, good idea, don't contact me ever again!" but "If you think it'll help, okay"... What he's saying there is, "I know you won't stick to it though, because you want me in your life so much, you'll be back in a flash, and I'll get easy sex!"

 

WAKE UP, FER CHRISSAKES!!!! Grow that damned backbone! he's USING you to get his pecker damp - and NOTHING ELSE!!!

 

 

Someone told me the best way to get someone back is to let go. But I can't even bring myself to do it...

right - look ahead.

How far down the road are you willing to carry on living in this way?

For how long are you going to stamp on your own dignity and self-esteem?

For how long are you willing to prevent yourself from ever moving forward, for something that will never, ever be yours again?

Read. The. Guide.

 

And resolve, whatever may happens, come what may - that you WILL stick to it, absolutely, absolutely for good.

[geegirl]

You don't want him to forget you? So, you have sex with him to remind him of what he may be missing? The thing is, you have been having sex with him and it isn't changing his decision about you. So how much more sex are you willing to give? You're either memorable or forgettable. If you have to remind someone of your existence, whether you have to sleep with them or inundate them with emails or text messages, then you have your answer.

 

"The sex just happens." There is such a thing as self-control. There is such a thing as dignity and self-respect. The sex happens because you WANT it to happen. Let's be honest.

 

He is using you for sex. He has demoted you. No way up but down from there. He's telling you he doesn't want anything more with you but he will confuse you with "You think it'll help, okay" when you say you want to walk away so that you question your judgement. Then you'll feel bad for upsetting him and go back to laying down for him again, trying to win his approval again. Oldest trick in the book.

 

How do you want someone back that does not want you? You're in denial hell. Plus, he's scum. He does not have an ounce of compassion and empathy for you. Knowing you still love him, he manipulates those feelings to get sex from you? Pig. You can't see him for what he is because you are so clouded emotionally, but give yourself a chance or at least try another route since the one you are on now is hopeless and you will see him for the POS that he is.

 

You "can't" bring yourself to NC or you "won't". Playing the victim with "sex just happens" and "I can't" is not going to get you anywhere. At some point you have to ask yourself where is your power in all of this? When my ex wanted sex from me after we broke up, I literally felt my skin crawl. Knowing he uses you for sex, knowing he has no love for you, knowing he doesn't want to be with you --- doesn't that even make you feel a little sense of repulsion towards him when he is having his way with you? Love doesn't make you feel horrible and used. And you can't force or make someone love you. When they tell you they don't want to be with you, accept that, even when the pain is excruciating because no matter what you do to run away or hide from that reality, the situation remains the same. They don't want to be with you. Period.

Edited September 4, 2012 by geegirl

[Sunberry]

You don't want him to forget you? So, you have sex with him to remind him of what he may be missing? The thing is, you have been having sex with him and it isn't changing his decision about you. So how much more sex are you willing to give? You're either memorable or forgettable. If you have to remind someone of your existence, whether you have to sleep with them or inundate them with emails or text messages, then you have your answer.

 

"The sex just happens." There is such a thing as self-control. There is such a thing as dignity and self-respect. The sex happens because you WANT it to happen. Let's be honest.

 

He is using you for sex. He has demoted you. No way up but down from there. He's telling you he doesn't want anything more with you but he will confuse you with "You think it'll help, okay" when you say you want to walk away so that you question your judgement. Then you'll feel bad for upsetting him and go back to laying down for him again, trying to win his approval again. Oldest trick in the book.

 

How do you want someone back that does not want you? You're in denial, hell. Plus, he's scum. He does not have an ounce of compassion and empathy for you. Knowing you still love him, he manipulates those feelings to get sex from you? Pig. You can't see him for what he is because you are so clouded emotionally, but give yourself a chance or at least try another route since the one you are on now is hopeless and you will see him for the POS that he is.

 

You "can't" bring yourself to NC or you "won't". Playing the victim with "sex just happens" and "I can't" is not going to get you anywhere. At some point you have to ask yourself where is your power in all of this? When my ex wanted sex from me after we broke up, I literally felt my skin crawl. Knowing he uses you for sex, knowing he has no love for you, knowing he doesn't want to be with you --- doesn't that even make you feel a little sense of repulsion towards him when he is having his way with you? Love doesn't make you feel horrible and used. And you can't force or make someone love you. When they tell you they don't want to be with you, accept that, even when the pain is excruciating because no matter what you do to run away or hide from that reality, the situation remains the same. They don't want to be with you. Period.

 

I''m not trying to play the victim at all. I take responsibility and I said in my previous post that he's not 100% to blame. I take some fault in it as well because I let him and I keep thinking that each time will be different maybe just maybe he'll come back or change his mind and because I love him.. I don't use it as a way for him to make him remember me..I try talking to him or texting him at least for that..

 

I want to not care anymore, I want to say **** it and just go about my life and not care at all. But I just care too much. The longest I tried not contacting him was a week and it hurt like hell. And I tried again, and again, and again. I'm still trying.

 

"You can't force someone to love you" : He's told me that plenty of times. He said it takes two and that it's not all about me. But I just kept throwing out suggestions of giving him space, or maybe seeing what we want in life and maybe in time we can work it out and start over..still said no.

 

I would like to get myself back and just tell him **** you many times over..but I can't because I don't want him to hate me and lose any chance I might have..

 

I know I'm being a bit naive..I'm going to a counselor tomorrow..

Edited September 4, 2012 by Sunberry

[geegirl]

I''m not trying to play the victim at all. I take responsibility and I said in my previous post that he's not 100% to blame. I take some fault in it as well because I let him and I keep thinking that each time will be different maybe just maybe he'll come back or change his mind and because I love him.. I don't use it as a way for him to make him remember me..I try talking to him or texting him at least for that..

 

He's not to blame at all. If you allow a user to use you, knowing he is a user, he'll use you. You can't blame them because that is their make. Once, twice you stumble, then it's understandable. But when you keep going back over and over, the fault is 100% yours. You use sex, texting, talking, emialing as ways to remind him about how great your connection is, period. The thing is, no amount of anything has worked in your favor. If anything it's just damaged you to the point of feeling like you are nothing.

 

I want to not care anymore, I want to say **** it and just go about my life and not care at all. But I just care too much. The longest I tried not contacting him was a week and it hurt like hell. And I tried again, and again, and again. I'm still trying.

 

It's one thing to care about someone, but caring for someone that treats you like garbage is you having no self-esteem or love for yourself. Don't confuse the two.

 

"You can't force someone to love you" : He's told me that plenty of times. He said it takes two and that it's not all about me. But I just kept throwing out suggestions of giving him space, or maybe seeing what we want in life and maybe in time we can work it out and start over..still said no.

 

Said no, and you still keep pushing. Again, the finger is pointing solely at you. You can come up with all sorts, when someone doesn't love you anymore, let them go. The more you plead and beg, the more you turn them away. It's unattractive and it's behavior than men do not find appealing in women.

 

I would like to get myself back and just tell him **** you many times over..but I can't because I don't want him to hate me and lose any chance I might have..

 

The thing is, whatever chance you have is not in your control. His decision is his and you do not have power over that. You work with what you have been given and that is he does not want a relationship and he does not love you anymore. You work with that. So you let go. No, ifs, ands, buts about it.

 

I know I'm being a bit naive..I'm going to a counselor tomorrow.

 

You're not being naive. You're in denial and your self-esteem is non-existent.

Edited September 4, 2012 by geegirl

[greasyjoe]

You don't want him to forget you? to be with you.

 

My advice is, blunt and straight to the point.

 

Keep your legs closed.

 

Open them again when someone loves you for reel.

 

Sorry to be hurtful but this guy will forget you, you're just a f'buddy. I really believe the ones that don't forget each other are the ones that end on good terms.

[TaraMaiden]

geegirl's post is harsh, but true.

Sex doesn't just happen, and there is no trying to stop because trying to stop isn't stopping.

It's like "Trying" to pick up a book. Not actually picking it up - just "trying" to pick it up.

It's not possible.

 

You either pick it up - or you don't.

You either stop splaying your legs like some unpaid prostitute - or you carry on being his own personal hooker.

 

Yeah, I'm sorry - that's harsh too.

But your payoff for giving yourself up for sex, is simply a debasement of your womanhood.

[KatZee]

I may have missed it above, but OP are you hoping that by continuing to have sex, he'll want you back eventually?

 

I did this exact same thing with my first love, but I was also 17 and extremely naive. He broke up with me, and we continued on in a FWB situation. I loved him so much and I thought that if I just went away, he'd forget all about me and move on with his life. So I kept going back for sex. I thought if he saw how amazing we were together, and how much fun we had together, surely he'd see we should be together.

 

OP--- as much as you love this guy, putting out will get you NO WHERE. Trust me. My first love never took me back and I thought I was going to die.

 

But here I am, 10 years later... happy, stronger, full of confidence and love for myself. Not because of him, but because I've been through such heartbreaking situations. You too will emerge stronger, more aware of yourself, smarter, and hopefully with some self-esteem.

 

Sex to a man (especially in his case) really doesn't mean all that much. It's a way to get off, get some pleasure temporarily. That doesn't mean he wants to be with you, or loves you, or wants a relationship with you. Believe me, once he finds someone he DOES want to be with, he's going to stop using you for sex, and he'll commit to the next woman. Believe me you DON'T want to be around for that. If you think you feel crappy now, think of how crappy you'll feel about yourself when you realize you've done nothing for the past year but spread your legs for him, and then he drops you like a sack of hot garbage for someone he actually wants to be serious with. You'll wind up comparing yourself to her, and you'll be in this never ending cycle of pain for even longer.

 

You say you can't break free... it's called self control. JUST STOP. No one's holding a gun to your head. Delete his number, block him if you have to. You HAVE TO DEAL WITH THESE EMOTIONS. They are NOT going to just magically go away by continuing to have sex with him. One day you WILL HAVE TO BE ALONE and you WILL have to face the fact that you're not his girlfriend, nor will you ever be again. The process to beginning to move on is to start feeling the emotions even though you don't want to.

 

There is no hope here, so let go of it. He doesn't want to be with you.

[Sunberry]

Both of those posts made me cry....but It's the truth....

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry it made you cry.

And then again - I'm not.

 

because if I was standing in front of you I'd be shaking you.

 

You have to stop this behaviour, for your own sanity.

 

Because think of this:

you carry on, in sheer enamoured desperation, to be there whenever he wants you to spread your legs.

you'll do it willingly - anything to be with him one more moment.

And then, one day - he tells you he's met someone, and he can't see you any more.

Or worse still, he has sex with you - THEN he tells you.

 

Get out of there, now.

Get out of there before this happens.

And it WILL happen.

And how crushed will you feel then?

 

Please stop this now.

do not ever have sex with him again and certainly, cease all contact.

You have to do this, you just have to.

[Sunberry]

I feel so dirty and wrong..I feel sorry and mad @ myself. I'm not a whore....or anything like that...

[TaraMaiden]

Good.

Now stop acting like one.

 

don't you see what you're doing?

You're giving your body to someone for a few blissful moments of acceptance - you're clinging to the tattered remnant vestiges of a relationship that is now warped, damaged and frankly, distasteful.

 

Stop hurting yourself further.

Quit now.

TELL US you're going to quit. NOW.

Not 'Try' to quit.

 

Q-U-I-T.

 

Then - Do It.

[geegirl]

I feel so dirty and wrong..I feel sorry and mad @ myself. I'm not a whore....or anything like that...

 

The next time you start to entertain the idea of sex or talking to him, come and read this thread.

 

No one is saying you are a whore. You're stripping yourself of your self-respect and dignity to gain his validation and approval. Stop it. If you don't have respect for yourself, he clearly doesn't and he won't either and he's showing you that everytime he manipulates your feelings to get sex and attention.

Edited September 4, 2012 by geegirl

[Sunberry]

I sent him a text telling him everything I felt right and then..I said **** you and I told him I'm not his whore, etc, etc..I've been holding those things in for so long..I don't think there's any coming back from that text. It may seem inappropriate to a few of you, but I thought it was the right thing to do. I don't expect him to text back. He never does. I then deleted all my texts and his number...I still remember it, honestly. I'm starting to cry again...I feel terrible all over again..

[TaraMaiden]

Sunberry, I could hug you.

Seriously I could.

 

Well done dearest, really, really well done!!

 

My suggestion:

Copy, paste and print off the Caliguy No Contact Guide.

 

And also, the following post:

 

They're worth their weight in GOLD.

 

Read, re-read and re-read until you can see the words in your sleep, and until their truth is second nature to you, and you're advising others.

because one day, you will.

[TaraMaiden]

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below:

 

1) Why can't we be friends?

After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO, NO, NO! The atmosphere is too emotionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.

 

2) I must have Closure.

You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, integrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all "and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...

You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted perspective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation.

Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...

People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their ex's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity? Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) I Feel so Horny - !

Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent responsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding responsibilities and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles.

There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be professional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business-like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

[Dblock10]

most people would sleep with ex's if they offered it on a plate..

 

yeah you need to ditch this person

[Sunberry]

I printed them out.

[geegirl]

You did the right thing, Sunberry. I'm sure it was hard and that it's killing you inside but this pain is temporary. Being involved with him would have kept you in permanent misery and it would have broken you down to nothing. Please lister to Tara and read her posts and NC guide. Everytime you feel weak, pull it out to gain perspective and keep your emotions controlled.

 

I found much help through articles written on this site Baggagereclaim in terms of keeping NC and trying to find ways for things to make sense in my head when my heart was failing me.

 

You'll be so proud of yourself when the pain starts to lift and you'll look back and you will realize how empowering it was for you to have made that first courageous step towards loving yourself.

 

Come here and post when you feel weak and in pain. Seek friends and family as they are the ones that will offer you unconditional love and support. The last person you want to run to is your ex. He is your source of pain and he will not be able to comfort you.

[youngnlove89]

Oh man, I am going through the SAME thing as you. It sucks. And I know how hard it is to walk away from it. My ex bf and I are still sleeping together and he STILL continues to tell me I am not the one. But he also tells me he loves me every time we part. And he says that what we are doing is not FWB or FB. It is more to him and that he still has feelings. It's hard to lose hope when the other person keeps giving you hope. When someone cuddles me, hugs me, says they love me, and kisses me and wants to hangout with me during their free time, it's hard to let go of the hope that maybe one day it will work out. But the evil fact remains: He still isn't sure if I am the one.

 

"It’s too easy, sometimes, to ignore the good moments when things are tough. The difficult bits are the monster in the closet that’s going to goggle you up in the middle of the night. They are merciless and resilient, a cleverly drawn shadow. A jabberwocky — all the more worse because of what your mind twists its existence into. What we imagine is always worse than what is put in front of us."

 

I miss who I thought my ex was. I miss what I thought we had together. But him using me to get what he wants and knowing how I feel, that isn't love. I think our broken hearts are really good at exaggerating what we think we have. This isn't love. What these boys are doing isn't because they love us. They are using us because we are letting them, the can say and do whatever they want at the moment to get what they want. It's diabolical! It's genius and I'm sure guys envy them all around the world. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

 

We can do this together. We need to realize that these "men" are using us to get what THEY want. They are selfish. They couldn't care less about our feelings! If they did, they would give us the opportunity to move on. But they are taking advantage of our hearts, they are taking advantage of our weak moments. Is that what we want?

 

Because to me it seems like we want love, but we aren't heading in the direction of love.