feels like yesterday

[holdingon4me]

I thought this pain would be gone by now, or atleast not hurt so much. It's been 8 months ago since i found out about him and her. Yet it still hits like a ton of bricks. I never got an answer to my WHY? Why would he hurt me. What made him cheat ? What made her so signficant that he could just risk it all. I believed so much in him. I believed in our vows. Forever was all i knew. I was the wife left behind taking care of our Family. Answering every phone Call, staying up wee hours for hours so we could talk, sending care packages every chance i got. Even wrote letters. I supported him so much while i neglected me with no Family or friends around for support. I thought i made him happy. Reassuring him in every way i knew how and that i was patiently waiting for him to come back home to me our Family. I missed him so much. All the sleepless nights i cried myself to sleep , alone without him but i knew it was his job and that it was mine to support him. I wish he knew how hard i took life without him and that i wanted him home i needed him.I thought he needed me. He was my bestfriend. I longed for him and only him. My HUSBAND. Yet he was with her and had given her all of my power. The innocence of our marriage is gone now. I love him but i know we will never get it back. The old us died that night he lay with her and he didnt know he killed me too. I wish he knew the pain it would cause me and that it would forever affect me. I still don't think he gets the damage he has done. Inside im dying. Internally im still broken trying to pick up the pieces..sorry for typos and grammar.

[Ninja'sHusband]

It's a horrible feeling So many of us know what it feels like. It's hard to comprehend until you've been there. The thing I've heard over and over is that it can take at least 2 years to recover. Give yourself time. It's a crazy hard thing to heal and many don't make it (like me ). In the end its up to you to decide what you can forgive and if you can keep your sanity. Keep posting. Do you have any specific questions, or just the worry that the pain will never end?

[holdingon4me]

I think its the never ending pain. We are still trying to reconcile. The hardest part was a pregnancy scare on top of me already being pregnant when i find out. We already have children and due to finances it wasn't that easy to just pick up and leave. So very unfortunate all around for me. I have come from the point of lashing out and controlling my emotions. It's just everyday i have triggers or reminders. I'm guessing lack of detail amd his inability to discuss things with me.It is very hard because he can't possibily understand this pain.I do believe his lack of openess with me and answers i still have not had closure . Like how will i know what to and how to protect me in the future. When i never knew anything was wrong. The worst part is i had my suspicions that very same night and he brushed on me as overreacting. I want to love again without holding back, and trust but im afraid of giving him that much power again. Infidelity really is like a slow death. It's so painful. I never understood how and why people can be so selfish . Risking so much and exposing the innocent partner for their wrong choices. It's just so painful. I just wish he never did this to us. I love him but sometimes i feel like i may never get past this. Thanks for your reply and sharing

[waterwoman]

Sorry I know how you feel. I wish I didn't.

[GLDheart]

I hear your pain. This has been the worst thing I have ever gone through in life. It crushes your confidence. It makes you question your own senses and judgement.

 

How could someone you trusted with your heart and soul and health think so little of you. It lowers your feeling of worth. It breaks your heart.

 

Somedays I'm good. Other times these moments sneak up on me when I'm alone and I'm so sad. For the first time in my life I get what "depression" really means.

 

Keep your head up. We are here with you.

[Sadwife37]

I know exactly how you feel. Many days I could write the same post. Our D day was 9 months and 1 week ago. We are trying very hard to reconcile and rebuild our family. My H is truly happy for the first time in a very long time. His stress and anxiety is gone. He is an open book. He is a much better father and husband. He is affectionate, patient, loving and intimate. He feels he is now where he wants to be and is truly happy and whole. I am not! I wish I could embrace this and move past the pain. See the A as a terrible even that made us both miserable and see it is something we at least learned from and could go forward doing better together. But... I still hate him some days. I drown in the grief and betrayal. The pain I still feel makes it so hard to breathe. I would have never imagined that I could physically feel so much hurt from this. I don't even think there is anything more my H can be doing. I believe he fully regrets his actions and would give anything to take it back. I don't believe he will cheat again. And I really want to be happy and enjoy life again. I take comfort knowing that others are experiencing similar emotions. It helps me feel okay about not being able to just put it behind me and move on. Hopefully you can feel the same from the replys you are getting. I think every month that passes does get a little easier with more bright moments. Good luck to you! Know you are not alone.

[BetrayedH]

The fact that he is not willing to discuss it is a huge problem. Affairs cannot be swept under the rug. He learns nothing about changing his behavior and you are left with no reasons to believe that he will change his ways, that he understands himself well enough to be able to prevent it from happening again.

 

Trust has to be rebuilt. I don't see how that is possible without even being willing to discuss the nuke he dropped on your family.

[redtail]

I love him but i know we will never get it back. The old us died that night he lay with her and he didnt know he killed me too.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, I can relate, there were days I just wish the pain would go away. As others have mentioned, time will lessen how much you are hurting.

 

Please don't think that I am trying to sabatoge your reconciliation, I truly, really hope that it works out for you and your husband. Just know, the odds are against it, and your WS is a constant reminder of why you hurt.

 

Please take care, and I wish you the best.

[holdingon4me]

Thanks all for the replies. It does feel better knowing im not alone. Although, i wouldn't wish this pain or betrayal on anyone. I just don't get it. Why didn't he just leave me instead i wouldve had more respect for him knowing he cared that much about my future and my body. Everyones points are all vital and makes sense. Not doubting anyones path to reconcile but a truly remorseful person would not have done it in the first place. I know we are human and we make mistakes, but in no way is cheating a mistake. It's done in full concious and im sure thought through and justifying their decision to go through with it. I think what hurts the most is the lies they told and could smile in your face as if wrong had never happened. I've pondered the thought of the cheating to get back At him. I know that will be like trying to place a bandaid on an open wound. I'm also sure it would give him satisfaction of no longer being the bad guy in all this. I know i could never go through with it. I fear so much i think about all the diseases i could be exposing myself to and that I am a mother and my children need me. I have so much to lose. I truly wish he thought about all those things. As one of the posters previously stated, his heart is still whole while im still hurt and fragile. I just wish he could feel my pain

[Spark1111]

Tell him how you feel.

 

Do not hold back your feelings.

 

Try to communicate them in a calm and compassionate manner to him. Vent your rage and pain here.

 

But do NOT hold back what you feel and why you feel it.

 

Tell him you fantasize about being with a a good guy who would never betray you. That is a very common thought while healing from infidelity.

 

Do LESS in the relationship now, NOT more. It is HIS job to do more to reassure you that this will NEVER happen to you again if you have bestowed the gift of reconciliation.

 

He needs to answer any question you may have. You both need to get to IC (Individual counseling) and eventually MC (marriage counseling) with someone who is proficient in infidelity. Not all are.

 

Focus more on YOU, less on him. Get busy with you and what you want to do. A Class? A gym? Make it happen.

 

Meanwhile, start researching and reading. There is a wealth of information out their on how to heal TOGETHER from infidelity. You both read and talk about it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just wanna restate that he should be open and answer all questions honestly.

 

How do you rebuild trust? Truth, and not just any truth, the truth that is hard to tell. He needs to come clean when you ask. It's very important.

[Owl]

What are the two of you ACTIVELY DOING to rebuild your marriage after what he's done?

 

Marriage Counseling?

 

Individual counseling?

 

Has he gone NC with the OW? Has he become an "open book" in order to regain/rebuild trust? Has he changed behaviors so that he's now safeguarding your marriage rather than tearing it down?

 

Recovery after an affair is difficult, long, hard work. It most often fails. Sometimes it's successful, but not always and there's no "fault" for folks who cannot/will not/aren't able to do so.

 

What is he DOING to help you here? What are you DOING to help yourself?

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this position. It's truly a horrendous place to be.

 

When I first found out my husband was cheating, it was just like someone had punched me in the stomach. He waffled back and forth between staying and leaving, an I tried everything i could think of to convince him to stay, but one day i realized I'd had enough. I was tired, sick from not eating because I was so upset, and I was slowly losing myself. I told him that I'd had enough, but I was willing to give things one more chance, but if it didn't work, that was the end, and that I had been in contact with a lawyer. I had called a lawyer and found out what my options were...I also talked to his squadron padre and got some input from him ( re: the effects a separation/divorce would have on our housing, income, and a few other issues as well).

 

Doing that went a long way towards stopping the feeling that my life was spinning out of control. I knew I had choices and was no longer afraid. If i stayed, it would be because I wanted to, not because I had to. With three kids, it wouldn't be easy, but I knew I could do it.

 

Being cheated on takes so much away from you, but you can start to get some of your life and sense of control over it back by gathering information about how to make some positive changes. Read up on how to survive infidelity ( there's lots of books and websites out there), talk to a lawyer or get legal counseling- that doesn't mean you're headed for divorce, but rather that you will have the knowledge you need to make informed choices about your life, confide in a good friend or family member so you have some support for yourself. If you are feeling sick and worn down or if you aren't getting enough sleep, see your doctor- let them know what happened and they can help you with things like STD testing ( nasty to have to think that you need it), nutritional counseling and help you come up with ways to deal with stress( my doctor was really great about it- he listened and helped set up appointments for std testing, etc.- most of all, he just listened). If you are a religious person, talk to your pastor, minister rabbi, etc. and see what they suggest. Get some counseling for yourself and marriage counseling too.

 

Most importantly, figure out what you need from your husband to make the reconciliation work . Then sit down with him and tell him how you feel and what you need form him. If you can't do it verbally, try writing him a letter so that you can set your thoughts down clearly.

 

Most importantly...look after and be kind to yourself. Make sure you eat right and have some time each day to unwind.

 

Reconciliation is possible, but remember- the more knowledge you have, the less out of control you'll feel, reconciliation is possible but it's not right for everyone- it's okay if you can't make it work...try not to be afraid of that...don't make your choices out of fear. It's also okay to make mistakes along the way- if you do, just pick yourself up and keep going- I know it may not seem like it now, but your life can, and will, get better.

 

( in case you are wondering, my husband had an affair about three years ago, and we have since reconciled and had our 15th anniversary not to long ago)

 

things will get better for you...one foot in front of the other can get you to where you want to be:)

[Steadfast]

There are two ways you can go. You can learn from what happened and grow from it, or you can stay in the pain. You have a choice. A friend once told me "Some people evolve from their pain, others revolve around it." That said, 8-months is not a very long time. On average, it takes years (3-4, less for some, more for others) before you start to 'normalize'. Don't rush it.

 

Marriage and relationships should not define who we are, but so many lose themselves in them because that's all they know. Sadly, it often takes someone doing us wrong to uncover and reveal our own faults. Understanding we only control 'us' is critical for true and profound healing.

 

Others here can advise you on the steps needed to successfully reconcile, but it'll never work unless he's all in. Remember, it's actions that count, not words. Talk is cheap. Accepting anything less will keep you in pain.