Crawling into the NC club.

[Calico]

Well, this is my first post here (I'd been lurking for a bit before registering, thanks for the inspiration!), so I might as well share "my story" before I crawl into the "NC" club and spend the long hours of withdrawal with you ladies and gents.

 

I had been in a relationship with a woman younger than me, and it lasted for nearly four years. I met her in a rather difficult time of my life and she went from being a supportive and fantastic friend to becoming the partner I had always dreamed of. I was reluctant for a variety of reasons, but in the end I "let her in" and I think we've had a good relationship, in spite of many obstacles. One that I believed would last forever, but we didn't manage to conquer the biggest challenge that we ended up facing.

 

Two weeks ago, after she had been ill and depressed for a bit over a fortnight, she "broke down" and told me she's had been having an affair for the past few months. My world came crashing down. In previous relationships, I had always worried about that happening (insecurity, a little distrust), but in this one I was 100% sure it could never happen. She had never lied (so I believed), she was loyal and dedicated, clingy and perhaps even a bit emotionally dependent (I tried to foster independence, but deep down I think I liked being dependent on as it gave me a double-edged sense of purpose).

 

It was with a younger guy, younger than her even. A nightmare. And it was someone she met through me, though frankly he's a "nice kid" and I don't actually "hate" him (or anyone, though I felt none of her friends, some of which apparently knew, stood up for me). He's seized the opportunity offered to him and once in my life I had done exactly the same (with dramatic results). Yeah, karma meets butt. It's a little ironic how true the "what goes around, comes around" saying is. Not that the realization makes it any easier.

 

So, well, I was completely shocked, and for some reason that I don't really understand I did what I never thought I would do: I didn't walk away. I said one single mean thing to her as a spontaneous reaction (something along the line of "Stop being a w and come back.", which really, was a completely ridiculous thing to say and typically dumb-male). Other than that, I have been caring and nurturing and understanding. Where that came from, I don't even know. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to yell, I wanted to go on a rampage of revenge, but it just didn't happen. All that happened is that I did not want to lose her, could not imagine to be without her, got overwhelmed by deep sadness and was willing to forgive it all, "learn from it", "heal together", "become stronger". Denial about what had taken place, the full range.

 

The next two weeks were spent on the rollercoaster. I asked her to decide, to pick one of us. She said she couldn't. She cried for days, visibly in agony, saying how bad she felt for hurting me. (Thanks, that would have been a nice thought a few months ago!) But yes, she really did take it hard too and I don't want to downplay it. She not a deliberately mean person. So, I figured I'd wait a bit. Love is patient, so we are told, and this was love, so I told myself. I still believe it is, and my love for her burns brightly.

 

I did all the usual mistakes (explaining how it's normal for a relationship to go stale a little after years, how it cannot compare to the fireworks of brain chemicals that the first few months of being "in love" are, begging her to not throw away all we built together, and so on), sacrificed some more dignity (was more sexual (which was genuine), smiled when I wanted to break down, even offered the suggestion of an open relationship in my despair, something I know I could never handle), and just decided to "sit it out", be "bigger" about it, be strong.

 

It tore me up, though. She didn't even stop talking to the other guy, and whenever I tried to poke her about a decision, she'd shut down, get sad, confused. She said she is terrified of making the wrong decision, that there would be great sorrow no matter what she decides, and how much anguish it causes her (hey, I have an idea!). After a week, I tried to stop contact without telling her. It took only a few hours before she roped me back into her life. Called my co-workers to check if I was all right, called me, cried. So I was back, wanting again to wait it out. The interest didn't last long. She went distant again, and I jumped on every tiny scrap of affection and attention like a starving kitten. She continued to talk to him, and at some point even said that the odds for the outcome to be in my favor to be lower. (I think that was what really triggered a bit of a shift inside me, the dawn or realization that her feelings for me may have changed.)

 

During the few times when we actually managed to talk about the issue without it being completely overshadowed by acute emotion, it became clear that she cheated for the classic reason: She had needs I didn't meet. Ouch, that hit home, I wasn't good enough. I asked her why she didn't tell me, and she said she "tried". I admit I was self-absorbed for a time, dealing with my own problems and I may not have been as emotionally available as I needed to be, and I didn't catch that she wasn't happy. I can't believe how blind I obviously was, how ignorant, how stupid.

 

But then, I don't want to take the full load of the blame here (struggling as it is with the feeling that it's all my fault and that I could have all prevented it, which basically is what she told me). I was not "not there", I always communicated, I was always open to talking, I never left after an argument without making sure she was all right. She was never very good at communication, and she even said she was "intimidated" (which struck me as a complete surprise, because I don't look at myself as very intimidating or scary, but it seems it was a major aspect from her perspective, the feeling that she "can't talk" to me about what had happened, what she "needed"). Somehow during this, her feelings changed, "the distance became real", she said. Her feelings changed, somehow, and I have immense difficulties coping with this. Even typing it hurts badly.

 

I did ask why not just stay with the guy. If he makes her happier, I'd have sucked it up. I would not have liked it, hurt tremendously, but I understand that sometimes relationships don't work out (other people's, anyway!) and that feelings change. She responded to that by saying that she wants different things from us. (This probably means neither of us is really the guy for her.) And she can't choose, because no matter what she chooses, she'll lose something and feel she made a mistake.

 

She was upset that I did not offer to stay around as a friend, but I knew I would not be able to do this, because that is clearly beyond what I know I can do. I'm not that strong. He, on the other side, apparently made that promise -- easier for him, he consented to this situation, I never did. I felt as if this was a completely different person than the one I had fallen in love with. It all seemed terribly alien and surreal to me, and it still does. Who was that girl in the body of my woman?

 

Well, it had been another week since then, and last night, after several more days of more cold than hot moments (where I felt increasingly ignored, unwanted and unappreciated), I decided it's time for a decision. She wouldn't make one (and that slightly irritated me, because I couldn't even get the respect of a decision, so I had to do the "dumping", though it's just semantics as I've been pushed out and could either starve at her doorsteps or run off in the forest and maybe find some scraps there), so it was up to me to put an end to what really felt like torture for both her and I. It was hard because I really worried and feared that I may have gone prematurely (I still very intensely fret about this).

 

But on the flipside, I do have some responsibility to myself, too. And to her. I am not functioning well currently, I neglect work, life, I barely eat, I sleep little and infrequently, and the pain is always present and was rekindled and reinforced every time I talked to her or saw her. I was even terrified of talking to her or coming online, because I knew it would hurt again and more, the false hopes would whisper destructively into my ear, and I'd be clinging to illusionary straws of meaning between the lines and words.

 

So, tonight I talked to her and said my goodbyes. It took five hours and was highly emotional. I can without doubt say I have never done anything harder in my life. Nothing, not even remotely close. I'm almost a little ashamed, but I spent half the time crying like a puppy. She cried, too. This is the first woman I have cried over, and I didn't think I was able to cry like this and so without restrictions. I felt pathetic. I had planned to walk out with my head high, manly tough, full of fake pretending, and all that stereotypical stuff, but instead I crawled out with tears streaming down my face and a very badly aching heart. Oh well. It's how I felt if that made me look sad and weak, so be it. It's me, too, and I can't always be strong.

 

She reluctantly suggested maybe ten more days, maybe one more day, for her to think, but we both realized it would change nothing. I just had to go. I need the break, and so does she. It was tearing her apart too, not just me, and while I did this for me, I also did it for her. Giving up that which I love the most is the hardest thing I've ever done, it went completely against my "nature", and it feels like the biggest mistake I've ever made. I very much fear the regrets, the doubts, the uncertainty whether this was what I should have done, or if I just completely killed the one chance I had get for a chance to make it all better.

 

I'm pretty sure this will get much worse before it gets better, but I'm hopeful that the absence of contact initiated by me will let me work on the mountain of pain without more pain being shovelled onto it on a daily basis. On an intellectual level I realize that this is what needed to be done, and that how I felt lately has nothing to do with "love". It's addictive clinging and I behave like a junkie, feeling bad 90% of the time and only living for the next fix. Maybe that's what these feelings of loneliness and despair really are: the brain's need for endorphins. Maybe none of this matters, because if she does love and want me, she can contact me at any time and have me back. (I hope for this to happen, though I know it's not really how I should think.)

 

The relationship used to feel natural, effortless, downstream. Now every contact, every interaction, felt contrived, artificial and upstream. Except tonight when it was all over, that's when talking to her, crying together, saying our I-love-yous felt once more natural, genuine and right. That is why this chapter needed to come to an end. Maybe the book has more chapters. I don't know. Part of me has that hope. Another part of me just wants to burn the whole book. I guess that inner conflict will rage on for quite a while. But whatever may be the case, I know that for now, I really need a break from this book. It's stopped being fun, and the pages cut deeply into my hands.

 

I sound more level-headed in this post than I feel. I'm emotionally exhausted, and I dread having to sleep, I am terrified of the next morning. The "thinking somewhat clearly" phase won't last, either. Right now I "hold myself together", but the car on the rollercoaster never stays long on the upward lane. But well, that's where I am at for now, and I'm glad there was no hate, no accusations, and only a little bitterness.

 

I wish I felt better for writing this down, but I don't.

[Mint Sauce]

Hi Calico,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. You're being very honest with yourself through this ordeal, and that's a crucial ingredient for healing.

 

Have you considered counseling? Not because you have issues, but just to have someone neutral to tell your story to, to discuss your rollercoaster with?

 

Sometimes a relationship with someone younger is risky, in the sense that they don't yet have the relational experience e.g. to put issues on the table before it's too late, or that they feel too intimated by the older partner for a balanced interaction (cfr your comment on dependence). I've been stung in a very similar way (younger women, 4 yrs relationship, came into my life at a hard moment for me, and just left for an even younger guy, also a friend of mine).

 

I'm at the 2 month mark now, and all I can say is that I did manage to survive the first weeks by filling my agenda with stuff to do. Still didn't sleep though, so my body suffered big time. But now I can finally sit at home, relatively quietly on the couch. The sadness is still overwhelming, but at times I get angry as well (finally!). At first I was like you: caring, supportive, understanding. But it's starting to hit me now that in spite of me being so good to her, she was still sleeping with him. That's unacceptable, period.

So I can't even be her friend any more, even though that's her wish.

 

Hang in there, and keep venting here.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Mint Sauce
typos

[Calico]

Thanks, Mint. It seems that you have experienced pretty much the same. I'm so close to this situation that my view is incredibly narrow, and it's helpful to know that others have been in the same situation, that it's not just me, and that others managed to move on, somehow. I need to get past that point where I believe it's all my fault, and all those "what if" scenarios going through my head. I wish none of us had to experience this.

 

I haven't considered counselling. I think I can manage this for a bit and then see. A few years ago, I would have used alcohol to numb the feelings. This time, I did not, and in all this mess and the hurt and the confusion and the self-blame, I'm proud of myself at least for this. I also haven't looked up exes for comfort. I doubt I can even talk to another female for a while without feeling like I'm cheating.

 

I already slipped with my NC too. Shoot her an email an hour ago (so 5 hours after the goodbyes) and "clarified" some things I said. It's really sad, and I'm sitting here wanting to slap myself (actually laughed at how ridiculous and predictable I am). I justified it by thinking that it's still the same day. I feel that I did say everything to her and feel temporarily more ready to move forward, though I guess I'm just rationalizing now that I got my fix, blunted the pain a little, and DID something -- and I know, tomorrow I'll be haunted by new things and thoughts I didn't say. I'll try to stick to NC now though and just come here and type until the urge dissolves. I apologize for the "spam" in advance.

[Mint Sauce]

I need to get past that point where I believe it's all my fault, and all those "what if" scenarios going through my head. I wish none of us had to experience this.

Never forget: she was there as well. If she was this unhappy, to warrant an affair, and she still didn't put it on the table in a way that it had to be dealt with, she is in any case part responsible. The "what if" scenarios, well aren't those superficial things in the grand scheme of things? Yes, you probably could have been less self-absorbed (I was there as well), but was she so blind that she didn't see the wonderful you behind that? Why was an affair the way out of that? She must be struggling on a more fundamental level.

 

I know in my case that my ex has severe commitment issues, and they play up in any ltr for her. Then again, that may be an easy explanation I hang onto...

 

I also haven't looked up exes for comfort.

 

That would be very dangerous indeed: you have a large emotional void know, don't let an ex fill that again.

 

I already slipped with my NC too. Shoot her an email an hour ago (so 5 hours after the goodbyes) and "clarified" some things I said. It's really sad, and I'm sitting here wanting to slap myself (actually laughed at how ridiculous and predictable I am). I justified it by thinking that it's still the same day. I feel that I did say everything to her and feel temporarily more ready to move forward, though I guess I'm just rationalizing now that I got my fix, blunted the pain a little, and DID something -- and I know, tomorrow I'll be haunted by new things and thoughts I didn't say. I'll try to stick to NC now though and just come here and type until the urge dissolves. I apologize for the "spam" in advance.

 

This forced NC thing... I don't know. I fought for a month before going NC. I needed to do that, and I still don't regret it, even though it was painful to notice how I didn't really get through to her, how distant she was. NC comes naturally to me know. And not as a way to win her back, not as a way to punish her. I'm just fed up with it all, I want some peace.

 

But in any case: do write it down, and send it to someone or post it on here!

[Calico]

This forced NC thing... I don't know. I fought for a month before going NC. I needed to do that, and I still don't regret it, even though it was painful to notice how I didn't really get through to her, how distant she was.

 

I think the "forced NC" is probably the only way for me to ever get a little distance from this. I can otherwise totally see myself hanging around for weeks or months or years, always hoping and never moving on. I see quite a bit of an obsessive and addictive pattern in my thought processes, and it's something I'd like to break before it becomes habitual.

 

Just deciding to do it and being willing to follow it (even if I fumble right on the first day) gives me a bit of a feeling that I'm "letting go", that I'm accepting it and that I'm done trying to manipulate it. Those are just glimpses, I really am not stable in the sense that my thoughts and feelings are consistent to any degree. I go from being rational to being emotional about it, within minutes. When I wake up after sleeping, I know I'll be right back in the pit.

 

I asked myself if I was doing it as a "strategic move", but I concluded that no, it's not really the motivation. There is hope, and I know that without a break, nothing good can happen. But the deciding factor for me is that I need to stop the agony. I need to function. I want to function. I want to feel better and I want to gain a bit of space from this and "let go". I can't let go with seeing or hearing her every day and waiting for her to decide whether or not she wants to be with me. It's hard, because I have never not seen or heard her for even one day in the past four years. There is a vast sense of emptiness.

 

And while most people will probably say that I shouldn't think about what's good for her, because it's no longer my concern, I nevertheless do care and I hope that with less pressure, she will also feel better and maybe be able to decide what she really wants. I won't be waiting (well, I will -- but not while standing still and being frozen in place), but I'll be here. I think this approach is the best for her, for myself, and for the situation. I just can't fight anymore.

[Calico]

Slept a few hours, and as predicted, waking up was painful. Checked mail, didn't get a response. That hurt.

 

I'm having second thoughts about whether the NC approach and "saying goodbyes" was a good choice. Maybe I should have tried a break for a week first. Tempted to shoot off an email and suggest that, saying that I reconsidered not talking and that maybe we can try a break first. I feel desperate, though, and I guess I still very badly want some kind of reassurance from her. What if NC was a mistake and now all chances are gone?

 

This feels like the first day of the break-up again, just worse, and with less hope. Actually, it's the first day of the break-up, I guess. Before it was in limbo. It seems so final now.

[Gab09]

Calico,

 

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this devastating situation. I admire your love for that woman, to the point of actually letting her choose between you and another guy, even after being unfaithful.

 

I've been struggling with NC since August 17th. The last time I saw her was August 18th, i lasted about 2 weeks NC and it felt horrible.

 

I had the same ideas pop into my head, "what if this is the wrong choice, maybe if I try and talk some sense into her".. For me I guess though, it was a bit tougher and a lot more insecure because this is a girl that has never given me any sort of stability in the past 4+ years I've been with her. In a year we probably break up 3-4 times, and every time I'm left broken and unable to function.

 

Although I must admit, this time it is different. She got herself a job and spends all her time with her best friend, she sort of escapes reality by just never being home.

 

I'm sorry, I am not trying to hi jack your post, I'm just trying to let you know that you are not alone. This past 27th, I made a big mistake of sending her an angry email in the morning, while I was drunk. :/

 

You can imagine how that went, she replied instantly saying "I have no need to read your emails where you talk about my past, goodbye".. Which totally broke my heart.

 

I think the best thing you can do my friend is to go NC.. You two have been together for a long time, and hopefully she'll start to miss you.

 

I wish things worked out like the way they do in movies, where by completely just showering them with true feelings of "I can't live without you, I can't function, I am nothing".. You can actually get someone back, but it doesn't work that way for most of the part.

 

People tend to take other people for granted, soothing their torment by thinking he'll always be there and letting them slowly go on with their life and maybe even find somebody else.

 

If you just proceed full NC, it will not only help you heal but it will give her a chance to actually get scared she might have lost you completely.

 

I have been through this road a thousand times my friend, and it almost seems like each time it gets worse, out of fear that perhaps this time it is over.

 

Best of luck brother, from a broken heart to another.

 

Godbless

[Dblock10]

Slept a few hours, and as predicted, waking up was painful. Checked mail, didn't get a response. That hurt.

 

I'm having second thoughts about whether the NC approach and "saying goodbyes" was a good choice. Maybe I should have tried a break for a week first. Tempted to shoot off an email and suggest that, saying that I reconsidered not talking and that maybe we can try a break first. I feel desperate, though, and I guess I still very badly want some kind of reassurance from her. What if NC was a mistake and now all chances are gone?

 

This feels like the first day of the break-up again, just worse, and with less hope. Actually, it's the first day of the break-up, I guess. Before it was in limbo. It seems so final now.

 

hey man, i would say this, if you dont know what to do.. do nothing..

 

it works.

 

your mind is all over the place right now. sadly clarity only comes with time though and it takes the actions and what you say or do now fast forward 2 months or more before you will know yourself if they were right or not..

 

so tbh you need to focus on the facts, love is blinding you right now..

 

she cheated, not you.. remember that. just remember that out of everything forget the past. she has treated you like a fool tbh, you should not even be giving her another thought.

 

something that helped my mind recently is accepting she isn't the girl i fell for. people change and its true. sad fact of life.

 

what you need to do is have time to yourself, if you feel the need to talk to her, write down why and what outcome you want or would like and would you get that?

 

this can help the logic over emotions. its not all over for ever, you just need to maintain a level head as best as you can. she knows she can pick you up when ever she wants and its that reason she doesn't

[Mike_d]

a lot of my story in there. I think my mistake was not taking a hike the moment I found out, and in turn I lost whatever respect I had left in her eyes. I knew the day after her big event but was in 100% total denial. Then she came home after her weekend fling away and told me she'd figured out exactly what she wanted, and she wanted to get married to me. Pretty f.cked up, told her in an angry hurt voice that there was no way that was going to happen. F.ck another guy, then come home and want to get married?? correct response was "here's the front door, get your **** and get out, now..." but I was in such deep shock. I mistook 'lets get married' for "I'm still interested in working this out with you" lol while of course those exact words were never uttered and I began my long path to ruin. Should have just taken the pain that first day and things would have been a lot different, but...

 

sorry to hear about your loss, not sure what I can say that will help, just know you are not alone

[Calico]

Thanks for the support, guys. I really appreciate it.

 

Today was a pretty difficult day. It started out painful, then I somehow managed to be optimistic about it, though when no email came from her the pain returned. Besides spending all day on here, I also chatted a little with a female friend (a young Japanese girl, early 20s, and yes, I am careful, though it's nice to get a little warmth when it's so bitterly cold) who of course took my side and strongly feels that it's good for me that I got out of the situation.

 

I heard from a co-worker that my ex (ouch!) talked about us having broken up (said co-worker asked what happened), which caused some intense pain and I nearly picked up the phone and called her, because a small, irrational part of me had hoped that she'd use the next few days to think about everything and then possibly come back, and I was disappointed when that didn't happen (not even the thinking about it now that she has space). But I'm just projecting here and she's just not feeling about this the way I'm feeling. She had several months during her affair to detach from me, so she's much further ahead on this journey than I am.

 

Well, I won't be sending any emails today, even though I have plenty of perfectly good sounding reasons floating around in my mind why that would be a good idea. But I think I have lost enough dignity and if she misses me, she'll come around, or not. Whatever it is, this just isn't the time for any kind of action. I'll let the despair and neediness wash over me. It'll get better.

 

Grateful for the forum here. Keeping my mind a little off and keeping the self-deceptions in check.

[not-a-drive-by]

Hi Calico

 

You have been really helpful and insightful in my thread, so I was curious about your story. I read to the part where you broke up with her, I just cried. It brought back memories of my ex dumping me that night and him crying over it. It must've been so difficult since you still have such strong feelings for her. Even though I have never dumped anyone, I could sense the excruciating pain through your words.

 

So, tonight I talked to her and said my goodbyes. It took five hours and was highly emotional. I can without doubt say I have never done anything harder in my life. Nothing, not even remotely close. I'm almost a little ashamed, but I spent half the time crying like a puppy. She cried, too. This is the first woman I have cried over, and I didn't think I was able to cry like this and so without restrictions. I felt pathetic. I had planned to walk out with my head high, manly tough, full of fake pretending, and all that stereotypical stuff, but instead I crawled out with tears streaming down my face and a very badly aching heart. Oh well. It's how I felt if that made me look sad and weak, so be it. It's me, too, and I can't always be strong.

 

But has hard as it was, you did the right thing. She chose the other guy (hard truth) and even if you gave her a week or 10 days more, I don't think it would've changed her mind. Good on you for letting go. I really admire your strength throughout this.

[Calico]

Thanks. It's a rollercoaster still, my feelings are anything but consistent.

 

Her and I had another two phone conversations last week, each lasting about five hours. Those were civil, with a little bitterness and rebellion surfacing in me (when she kept going on how hard that is for her), and we covered a lot of ground, but at the end, it was pretty clear that what I need is a break from this stuff or I'd fall completely apart. When I talked to her, I felt a vague sense of closure and thought I'd be okay, but as soon as we hung up, I fell right back into the dark hole of despair.

 

I would love to be her friend and be there for her, but this is just not possible right now. Maybe it will never be. And since she more or less choose the other guy (no, not more or less -- she did say that she is more attracted to him than to me "right now"), I feel that he should fill all of the space left by me, not just the honeymoon bits. I can't continue to provide the stability, the maturity (which I don't possess anyway), the "nice to talk to", the familiarity and the comfort, the safety and the protection. I'm not a food buffet, I'm a package deal.

 

An affair is quite different from a proper relationship, and hey, I even pointed that out to her, but she never got past being confused and worried she's making a mistake, and she did not want to give this another chance. So, I'm done defending myself, especially since her perception of our relationship seemed quite skewed -- I was the bad guy. Maybe time will restore a more balanced perspective. Not in my hands.

 

Well, it's day #3 of proper NC now, and it's very, very hard. LS keeps me sane, and the stubbornness that a broken heart is enough and that I will not let this break my spirit, too.

[Mint Sauce]

I feel that he should fill all of the space left by me, not just the honeymoon bits. I can't continue to provide the stability, the maturity (which I don't possess anyway), the "nice to talk to", the familiarity and the comfort, the safety and the protection. I'm not a food buffet, I'm a package deal.

 

The thing is that right there, you express your hope that she'll find out he's not such a good deal after all. I know I do

But let's not get our hopes up: it may take years for them to realize what a fine gentleman they left for the fun of a honeymoon.

 

But still, this is a much better attitude then being a food buffet

[atarisboy86]

Calico,

 

This is the first time I'm reading your thread. I thank you for posting. You put things in such great way that I wish I could do that as well. Thanks for replying to my post. You'll do well in NC. I'm still in denial but it looks like you're moving forward and you'll find a great girl!

[Calico]

So, on day #4 of NC she sent me an email, checking if I was all right and saying she's missed me. I jumped on that like a starving kitten jumps on a scrap of meat. I wrote back, not just one email, but six over the day. Slept, woke up, and called her. I know, you may laugh at me, it's deserved! I knew better, and still did it. We talked for a bit over two hours and I was being pathetic, basically begging, clutching to straws. I eventually got the curve and ended the call with a few minutes of civil exchange and dignity at least.

 

Man, what a fiasco. This really isn't who I am. I don't know why every time I talk to her I turn into a pathetic kitten who refuses to accept that he's no longer loved and wanted. I struggle with that so hard that it completely exhausts me, and pushes her away even further (funny, it's the attention that she had craved before, and now it's a bother). So, anyway, I think she is pretty tired of me for the time being and while that is not how I had wanted to end things, it is what it is.

 

Ironically, I nearly sent an email after the chat to apologize for being a pest! Can you imagine? Ha. Maybe the last talk for a long time, or forever, ending on a not-so-perfect note will actually be beneficial, though. Less space for hope. (She actually STILL leaves open the options for the future, and sticks to using terms like "right now" and "at the moment".) I feel a little embarrassed, unhappy with myself, and I worry I lost the respect she had for me -- and I can only imagine what her new guy thinks when she tells him about this. Ugh! (But I shouldn't care -- at least I'm honest with my feelings and don't play games with her.) I fear this event may prevent her from emailing me again. Well, I should be happy about that, I guess.

 

Now it's an hour and a half since we hung up and I was fine until now. Now I get the withdrawal symptoms again. They are 100% identical to the sensations and thoughts I had when I withdrew from alcohol some years ago (cold turkey). Even the time between getting the fix and the physical sensations returning is the same. So, by now I'm convinced that people with heartache are really addicts experiencing withdrawal. And if that holds true, then the cure is the same, too: time and absence, letting it wash over you and not react to it, no matter how horrible it feels.

 

And that's what I'll do. Back to NC, starting from square one again. Yay! (But I decided to go and make some new e-friends in a graphical virtual world -- that's easier than in RL, especially at 7am! Dangerous, since I'm leaking neediness and love all over the place, but oh well!)

[Gab09]

It's amazing how the "heart" works. Today I went to the library and checked out a book.. "Coming Apart".. So far it makes a lot of sense and a fun read..

 

Don't punish yourself too hard for it, I was heart broken on the 17th. Went NC up until the 29th.. I send her a raging email talking about all the stuff she had put me through, all the pain she had cost me and how I would always taker her back..

 

To this lonng email, her response was.. "I don't have time to be reading your emails about my past"..

 

It completetly broke me apart again, big mistake.

 

after that I was back to NC up until the 7th.

 

This time it was different, I wrote a very decent email, in it I just basically told her that I had to move on and I accepted her decision of leaving and I wished her well.. It made me feel great for a couple of hours, I guess somewhere deep down I hoped she might reply or just realize what she was doing.. To no avail, I started feeling bad that night.. Since then I've been on the clear, still feel like crap but starting to grab on to the picture, that she just doesn't want anything anymore.

 

 

We all make mistakes..

 

Goodluck on your journey

[ponette]

gab- thanks for posting this. i'm sorry you're hurting.