Why do they give up so easily?

[blue_jay_bird]

I guess that's all im asking.

 

Why do they (ex's) give up so easily? To me relationships, involve communication, and hard work.

 

I'v never seen someone run so fast, is it fear, is it cause its the easy way out. Is it that they just don't love us anymore?

[rcgj]

same thing i want to know..i try to talk to my ex gf now.. i tell her to tell me how she feels.. i like reading about relationships..i try to get her to read but once she see it says married couples or something like that..she stops and she says its different...my ex gives up so fast!

[Calico]

I struggle with the same question, but I think that they don't actually give up easily. I believe that when we (those that are left behind) learn of the decision or their feelings, they had been pondering the issue for quite some time already. It's new and overwhelming to us, but not to them. They may even have discussed the matter with friends and family. We only get involved when it's pretty much already over, not when the end started to begin. That's what makes me feel so helpless, too.

[blue_jay_bird]

I struggle with the same question, but I think that they don't actually give up easily. I believe that when we (those that are left behind) learn of the decision or their feelings, they had been pondering the issue for quite some time already. It's new and overwhelming to us, but not to them. They may even have discussed the matter with friends and family. We only get involved when it's pretty much already over, not when the end started to begin. That's what makes me feel so helpless, too.

 

 

But to not talk about the issues with me, and allow a chance to work things out.

 

Yes, i can tell the ex was struggling with their decision and feelings for months. Discussed it with everyone BUT me.

[Calico]

Yes, i can tell the ex was struggling with their decision and feelings for months. Discussed it with everyone BUT me.

 

Mine did the same. Apparently some of her friends knew and gave her "advice", which seemingly wasn't in my favor. None of them suggested to just talk to me. So, I was last to know. About the problems she saw in our relationship, her unhappiness, and the other guy (who started out as a friend too when she "couldn't talk to me"). I really need to get to a point where I can be angry about this, and not just deeply saddened and depressed.

[rcgj]

its like our lifes are all the same...lol ..i have to find humor somehow to block out memories.

[Hobbit]

Same boat, just trying to pick up the pieces now

 

What really pisses me off is that she wont even concider trying for out kids. She's not only broken my heart, but ruined what I thought was a happy family too

[Sunberry]

Mine did the same. Apparently some of her friends knew and gave her "advice", which seemingly wasn't in my favor. None of them suggested to just talk to me. So, I was last to know. About the problems she saw in our relationship, her unhappiness, and the other guy (who started out as a friend too when she "couldn't talk to me"). I really need to get to a point where I can be angry about this, and not just deeply saddened and depressed.

 

 

That pisses me off to no end. My ex did the same thing. He acted like nothing was wrong and talked to family and friends about it, then when he finally made his decision he ended it. I was very hurt that he didn't give me at least a heads up to "prepare" or something. While I was still in bliss and happiness, he was pondering a easy way out. When he found it, he sure did pulled me out and hard.

 

The relationship involves 2 people, while it's okay to ask advice from friends and family members, I still think the person involved should know as well from the get go..Relationship is a friendship as well after all..

[blue_jay_bird]

Love is a choice. ? Are you kidding me. Well if that was the case I would choice to not love my ex anymore.

 

All of what you said is logical, and that's why it feels so wrong. If love, life and break ups where so clean cut no one would get back together.

 

Take your equation, and all the crap, lie's and emotions and you get this:

 

A Break up is...

 

1. You and the person who dumped you are still going through the PROCESS.

 

2. Whether your relationship was "fun" or you two were "courting", the purpose of it was to find out an answer to a question. "Is this the person I will spend the rest of my life with?"

 

3. No matter the reason why you two broke up, you have the answer to the question and the answer is NO.

 

4. Just because you didn't get the answer that you wanted, does not mean that you should try and change it.

 

5. Just because you didn't get the answer that you wanted, does not mean that you, your Ex or the relationship was a failure.

 

6. A break up is a success, it's the successful conclusion of your relationship.

 

7. Ex enters the dating world. Begins the PROCESS, date's / sleep's around. This can go on for years, months.

 

8. Ex realizes the answer to the question of and the answer NO. May have been based on fear, selfishness, and green grass syndrome.

 

9. Ex either try's to get back together, or hold's on to their pride and move's on.

 

10. If Ex try's to get back you move to step ONE, the PROCESS is repeated. They either get the answer to the question which will be the same as before. AKA NO ( you are not the one).

 

11. OR the person changes, and say's yes.

[I'm nuts]

I think it depends on each person as an individual.

 

I am a serious bloke and try not to play with peoples feelings. I would say I've really ever loved 2 girls, one I am married too for 17 years and another for 6 years, I still love them both .

 

I've never really done things for fun, it's just my personality but I think some do it for fun while others have no sticking power. Some say people change, but I tend to disagree, I think our main traits, likes and dislikes stay to same all of our life.

[Sav]

I've been a dumper before. And I still love her to bits. So no, its not really all over for me

[Blastoplast]

I wish my EX was more upfront with me. I knew something was up the last 2 - 4 months of our relationship, probably because she already knew it was over and she was just waiting for the right time. The worst part is, most of the problems from our relationship stems from her insecurities financially and emotionally, but I still love her unconditionally.

 

The thing is, relationships take work -- and when people decide to end it without a good reason, it shows lack of character and maturity. Great, you want to save money for a car and to move to a new town, then SHOW me that's what you're doing~!

[blue_jay_bird]

 

The thing is, relationships take work -- and when people decide to end it without a good reason, it shows lack of character and maturity.

 

You hit the nail on the head.

[Calico]

Dating and entering into a relationship is not a PRISON SENTENCE!

 

It isn't a prison sentence, but it's also not like stepping into a brothel where you grab what you want and when your needs are satisfied, you walk out without a care.

 

Entering a relationship comes with a certain kind of responsibility, like any other action involving someone else, and if you are not willing or able to bring a minimum of willingness to be considerate and deal with problems, you should stick to one-night-stands or open relationships where BOTH (or all) partners mutually agree to it being a non-committal arrangement.

[Dblock10]

I guess that's all im asking.

 

Why do they (ex's) give up so easily? To me relationships, involve communication, and hard work.

 

I'v never seen someone run so fast, is it fear, is it cause its the easy way out. Is it that they just don't love us anymore?

 

because its easy and meeting someone new is easy... for them

[Sunberry]

It isn't a prison sentence, but it's also not like stepping into a brothel where you grab what you want and when your needs are satisfied, you walk out without a care.

 

Entering a relationship comes with a certain kind of responsibility, like any other action involving someone else, and if you are not willing or able to bring a minimum of willingness to be considerate and deal with problems, you should stick to one-night-stands or open relationships where BOTH (or all) partners mutually agree to it being a non-committal arrangement.

 

I support this statement.

If leaving is what they feel is right, then by all means I guess..but it therehas to be a "willingness to be considerate" and tell the person when they're feeling like this and why from the beginning instead of pretending everything's okay, then breaking up out of the blue.

[Calico]

Call me old fashioned... I actually want someone who WANTS to be with me, for me.

 

That's a strawman argument, though. I don't disagree with the view that people, whose feelings have changed, have every right to move on. I certainly don't expect someone to sacrifice their happiness for my happiness. What I do disagree with is what many of those people however do:

 

- String along the previous partner for safety.

- Cheat for a while to "sample" the new prospect.

- Talk with everyone about the "problem" except the person affected.

- Leave the partner hanging in limbo.

- Completely walk over the previous partner who they supposedly "care about".

 

And so on. Not everyone does that, but mature, clean breakups don't seem to be that common. That's when people get hurt, and it's not "psychotic" to experience pain or feel lost and desperate when someone does not have the decency to communicate and be open about how they feel. Relationships are about two people, not just one. (Of course, when that happens you should probably be glad to get out because obviously the partners weren't really all that compatible.)

 

Few people here, and certainly not I, ask for anything other than honesty and openness. Sure, I do believe that any serious relationship will have downs and challenges, and that a mature, responsible person should be willing to work on them and not just jump on something else that's more convenient or a nicer, newer, shinier toy. Life isn't always a cakewalk, and if you expect that honeymoon lasts forever, then you're either very young -- physically or emotionally -- or lack life experience. But that isn't the same as saying that people are or should be trapped. They are not, and they should not be.

[Sunberry]

That's a strawman argument, though. I don't disagree with the view that people, whose feelings have changed, have every right to move on. I certainly don't expect someone to sacrifice their happiness for my happiness. What I do disagree with is what many of those people however do:

 

- String along the previous partner for safety.

- Cheat for a while to "sample" the new prospect.

- Talk with everyone about the "problem" except the person affected.

- Leave the partner hanging in limbo.

- Completely walk over the previous partner who they supposedly "care about".

 

And so on. Not everyone does that, but mature, clean breakups don't seem to be that common. That's when people get hurt, and it's not "psychotic" to experience pain or feel lost and desperate when someone does not have the decency to communicate and be open about how they feel. Relationships are about two people, not just one. (Of course, when that happens you should probably be glad to get out because obviously the partners weren't really all that compatible.)

 

Few people here, and certainly not I, ask for anything other than honesty and openness. Sure, I do believe that any serious relationship will have downs and challenges, and that a mature, responsible person should be willing to work on them and not just jump on something else that's more convenient or a nicer, newer, shinier toy. Life isn't always a cakewalk, and if you expect that honeymoon lasts forever, then you're either very young -- physically or emotionally -- or lack life experience. But that isn't the same as saying that people are or should be trapped. They are not, and they should not be.

 

All of those things lack maturity IMHO.

[Sameold]

Calcio - everything you put is so true.

 

Gibson - I understand what you are saying and sadly you are describing the throwaway culture of today's society. Namely, when the going gets tough the OH gets going. All too often these days.

 

Of course a relationship is different to being married with kids but I'm really starting to think that for some people its just about timing. My ex finished with me with no real explanation, she just changed after we moved in and her new job and friends got too much to resist. She will be off now developing her life and seeing the guy I caught her flirting with on facebook from work...so is it my fault that I don't work where she does? And is it my fault that my job meant we both had a huge commute to work that made things less than ideal?

 

I was putting plans in to place to work through this, infact I recently secured a secondment that would have improved our life greatly..

 

Anyway, I digress. What I am saying is Gibson I agree that many factors impact relationships and cause them to fail but Calcio you are spot on what you talk about fighting through things and maturity. I don't think it is often "love" that keeps some people together, it is reaching a set of circumstances that just seem easier and more acceptable to live by, HOW SAD IS THAT?

[Blastoplast]

I support this statement.

If leaving is what they feel is right, then by all means I guess..but it therehas to be a "willingness to be considerate" and tell the person when they're feeling like this and why from the beginning instead of pretending everything's okay, then breaking up out of the blue.

 

I guess this is more what I was looking to say. Well put.

[Sameold]

So true Gibson, I need to remember that. My ex completely changed my views of women and ATM I don't know how I'll ever trust another but I need to get back to being me and let my heart go out to another girl

[blue_jay_bird]

Sadly, this is rarely reality and almost never happens with young, immature kids who possess little to know courage and do not have much life / dating / break up experience either.

 

So you have a choice to make...

 

You can spend all your time, energy, effort and be consumed trying to avoid the pain you experience at the hands of someone who no longer wants you and is not longer in your life at all costs.

 

Or...

 

Heal from that pain and give the next person you date the very best of you and all that you have to offer.

 

I have dated women who were hurt deeply by how men broke up with them, cheating, etc. in their past. Instead of healing from it, they were so obsessed with trying to avoid being hurt, they never open themselves up to being loved. Not to mention, they were a total nightmare and made it impossible for me to date them!

 

They were jealous, controlling, manipulative, negative, pessimist, man haters, used sex as a weapon, judgmental, accusatory, harassing, smothering, etc.

 

They wanted to know where you were at all times, have access to all your accounts, harass your friends and family, accuse you of cheating on a daily basis and pretty much treat you like the scum of the earth and make you pay for crimes you didn't even commit.

 

I have been dumped every which way possible (good and bad). For me, I am not going to let some immature jerk who cheated on me or broke up the "wrong way"... Steal my happiness, my joy, my future or the love that I deserve. I suggest you do the same.

 

 

What type of women are you dating. Just because someone is not over their ex, and is still doing the fallowing:

 

A) "You can spend all your time, energy, effort and be consumed trying to avoid the pain you experience at the hands of someone who no longer wants you and is not longer in your life at all costs."

 

Does not mean it result in in them acting in this manner:

 

B)"They were jealous, controlling, manipulative, negative, pessimist, man haters, used sex as a weapon, judgmental, accusatory, harassing, smothering, etc."

 

A = B is a fallacy

[blue_jay_bird]

Look all i was doing was asking question, im sorry if you felt it was an attack. But maybe look at what you just did and tell me who's attacking who.

 

You went through my old post, where i was at my weakest and painted a ugly montage of me. How long did that take, spending a little to much time on Love Shack. Yes what i said was a low blow. But you just called me negative, pessimist, judgmental, accusatory, harassing, smothering….. I think the list goes on. Yes I have done these things, like I said, I never said my way worked.

 

But all i am trying to understand is:

 

As you put it your way.

 

I have been dumped every which way possible (good and bad). For me, I am not going to let some immature jerk who cheated on me or broke up the "wrong way"... Steal my happiness, my joy, my future or the love that I deserve. I suggest you do the same.

 

Guess what im not there yet! Wasen’t that clear. But in no way or form do you say how to get there. Just that it is a way of thinking. Oh, I would love to think like this. Some day’s I do think like this. I really don’t know what eles to say to you. Other then I was not attacking you. And im sorry you felt you had to attack back.

 

I also want to thank you it really reflected how my thought process is not working. But your name pop's up in other forms. All i see is you attacking people. You kind of scare the **** out of me. Your pretty intense.

Edited September 5, 2012 by blue_jay_bird