Staying Married for money

[woinlove]

Personally, I would never choose to stay married for money. Even if I felt I would be living in poverty (not likely at all as I'd have to lose my job, my assets and as well as my current job prospects) I can't imagine staying married for that reason. I would have confidence that I could figure out a way to take care of myself and money just isn't very important to me. Love, human connections, family, physical, intellectual and sensual activities, are all much more important to me and I feel I could satisfy these needs and desires on very little money.

Edited September 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oldshirt]

Historically and cross-culturally marriage was always about the money and the property. It was never about love and sexuality.

 

Most cultures throughout history have practiced some form of arrainged marriage to keep assets and properties within bloodlines. It was never about love. Much of the world today still practice some form of arrainged marriage to one degree or another.

 

So to answer your question, yes, literally billions of people have remained married through the years even though their love and sexlife was very lackluster.

[oldshirt]

but now in regards to your situation, I have read all your other posts in the other forums so the question I have for you is, what do you want to do?

 

Are you wanting to get out of your marriage but are holding youself back because of the money?

 

Is your wife wanting out but is holding herself back because of the money?

 

Are either or both of you wanting to maintain the status quo because of the money?

 

And FYI, I'm really not judging. I'm generally opposed to people manipulating and BSing people for their own gain, so I guess if your wife was sincerely in love with you and thought she had a perfect husband and a perfect life and it was all a lie and she'd be devistated if she found out you were cheating, then I'd say you were an @$$.

 

But if she is just a golddigger and just wanted a sugar daddy to give her a big house and a nice car and not have to work but she didn't really care that much about you as a person and didn't have that much emotional investment in you and she has her own stunt-co(ks on the side and this is just how you two choose to live your lives then I'd say all is fair and so be it.

 

I guess I am just wanting to know if you are happy with the arraingement or if you are wanting something different.

[Sauron]

but now in regards to your situation, I have read all your other posts in the other forums so the question I have for you is, what do you want to do?

 

Are you wanting to get out of your marriage but are holding youself back because of the money?

 

Is your wife wanting out but is holding herself back because of the money?

 

Are either or both of you wanting to maintain the status quo because of the money?

 

And FYI, I'm really not judging. I'm generally opposed to people manipulating and BSing people for their own gain, so I guess if your wife was sincerely in love with you and thought she had a perfect husband and a perfect life and it was all a lie and she'd be devistated if she found out you were cheating, then I'd say you were an @$$.

 

But if she is just a golddigger and just wanted a sugar daddy to give her a big house and a nice car and not have to work but she didn't really care that much about you as a person and didn't have that much emotional investment in you and she has her own stunt-co(ks on the side and this is just how you two choose to live your lives then I'd say all is fair and so be it.

 

I guess I am just wanting to know if you are happy with the arraingement or if you are wanting something different.

 

 

Not really wanting out. However, if my A surfaces I am prepared to get out. If I had nothing invested in the marriage I would leave. But I have 30 years, adult children and am plus 50. Finacially It is complicaited, buisnesses, employees, property, assets.

 

She found out once before many years ago. She also caught me making out with one of her friends at a party, of course everyone was drunk except her. I suppose a tiger doesn't change his stripes. She seems happy today, actually happier than she has been ever I would say, and now that I have another partner I have reached a level comfort with the status quo. I have no problem being an A$$, you need a certain amount to succeed.

 

I would imagine their is an element of sugar daddiness since she can't live like we do on her own. I don't know if she has a lover, and really don't care as long as she is discreet. I will say we have a decent sex life, but it is much better with my lover.

 

My intellectual curiosity in posting this is to see if anyone else is in the same boat, most likely they are, whether they come here or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would imagine their is an element of sugar daddiness since she can't live like we do on her own. I don't know if she has a lover, and really don't care as long as she is discreet. I will say we have a decent sex life, but it is much better with my lover.

 

My intellectual curiosity in posting this is to see if anyone else is in the same boat, most likely they are, whether they come here or not.

I haven't read all your other threads so have two questions -

 

- Have you considered working on your marriage to the point where it alone would satisfy and sustain you? Seems that approach would also remove your financial worries from the table.

 

- Have you ever discussed a more open approach with your wife where you'd stay together but would both be free to pursue other interests?

 

Not being judgmental, just curious...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sauron]

I haven't read all your other threads so have two questions -

 

- Have you considered working on your marriage to the point where it alone would satisfy and sustain you? Seems that approach would also remove your financial worries from the table.

 

- Have you ever discussed a more open approach with your wife where you'd stay together but would both be free to pursue other interests?

 

Not being judgmental, just curious...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

1. Yes. But after 30 years, neither of us our changing. She has a therapist but it has not made any difference.

2. No open marriage she is not built that way.

 

Good you are not judgemental, there are plenty on here who are. Thanks for your post.

[Mr. Lucky]

2. No open marriage she is not built that way.

In light of that statement, it would be somewhat ironic if your unconcerned musings about her having a "discreet" lover were true ....

 

Mr. Lucky

[teddyman]

Sauron,

 

I am not trying to be judgmental. Hell, I got my own problems. I see what you are going through and I see the pain that you are in. You say you own a business. You know, there are many ways to make sure that you don’t go out of business with a divorce - which by the way would not be good for you, your spouse or your kids. I am not going to tell you what they are, because I am sure you already know.

 

To me, the only reason you have not left you wife is because you don't want to do it and then find out - what, I really did love this person?? - oh, I think I will change my mind!! Or, I am over 50, I am alone! Crap, this sucks!

 

So, you stay status quo and hope everything will just turn out fine.

 

I got news for you, this are not going to turn out just fine - the crash is coming so I hope you have your seatbelt on. I have seen it so many times. My best friend from high school is now on his third marriage *(he is my age 49 yo). I have been his shoulder to cry on for both divorces - I do love him like a brother. But, he has no common sense! Both times, after all the cheating – he was devastated and could not understand why they would not forgive him! He has cheated on all of his wives including his third one now - as matter of fact he cheated on his first wife for years while they dated; his second and third wives, where both the other woman - it was really funny - during the divorce to wife number two while in court - she told the judge that she had no idea that he ever cheated on his first wife!! So he is sitting there arguing that yes he did have an affair with her too!! He just cannot help himself! It is always their fault by the way - they gained too much weight, boring in bed, etc. By the way, wife number three is only 33 years old - they now have two children a one month old and a one year old - what the hell is he thinking!!

 

My point - thought he was pretty good at hiding the old affairs - but, he always got caught one way or the other. It is inevitable - so get ready. Also, he actually fell in love a few times and then the other women dumped him – hell, they were not looking for anything long term either!

 

Just some food for thought.

[2sunny]

Do you wear a wedding ring? I'm just curious if you do or don't...

[Sauron]

Sauron,

 

I am not trying to be judgmental. Hell, I got my own problems. I see what you are going through and I see the pain that you are in. You say you own a business. You know, there are many ways to make sure that you don’t go out of business with a divorce - which by the way would not be good for you, your spouse or your kids. I am not going to tell you what they are, because I am sure you already know.

 

To me, the only reason you have not left you wife is because you don't want to do it and then find out - what, I really did love this person?? - oh, I think I will change my mind!! Or, I am over 50, I am alone! Crap, this sucks!

 

So, you stay status quo and hope everything will just turn out fine.

 

I got news for you, this are not going to turn out just fine - the crash is coming so I hope you have your seatbelt on. I have seen it so many times. My best friend from high school is now on his third marriage *(he is my age 49 yo). I have been his shoulder to cry on for both divorces - I do love him like a brother. But, he has no common sense! Both times, after all the cheating – he was devastated and could not understand why they would not forgive him! He has cheated on all of his wives including his third one now - as matter of fact he cheated on his first wife for years while they dated; his second and third wives, where both the other woman - it was really funny - during the divorce to wife number two while in court - she told the judge that she had no idea that he ever cheated on his first wife!! So he is sitting there arguing that yes he did have an affair with her too!! He just cannot help himself! It is always their fault by the way - they gained too much weight, boring in bed, etc. By the way, wife number three is only 33 years old - they now have two children a one month old and a one year old - what the hell is he thinking!!

 

My point - thought he was pretty good at hiding the old affairs - but, he always got caught one way or the other. It is inevitable - so get ready. Also, he actually fell in love a few times and then the other women dumped him – hell, they were not looking for anything long term either!

 

Just some food for thought.

 

Thank you for your post. Yes there are ways of lessening the impact of a divorce on the business, but it will require buying her out, and I do not want the debt. I have a very good attorney and we have discussed the issue here and there. He is actually telling me it would not be a good thing. I am prepared as I can be, but it's been almost 7 years, just can't become compacent. Sorry about your friend, not a smart man.

[Sauron]

Do you wear a wedding ring? I'm just curious if you do or don't...

 

I wear it situationally. Why do you ask? It is just a piece of jewelry. I take it off when I am with my OW.

[Pompom]

I find it funny how money marriages and prostitution are put on different moral levels.

[Sauron]

Sauron, When I was married, I stayed married for money for awhile, not because I was too greedy to split what I had with my husband, but because I had too. The marriage wasn't working, but we didn't want the kids subjected to daycare so I stayed home and raised them and depended on him to provide for us all. As a stay-at-home mom, I had no college education or any real job skills. So, I was stuck with someone I had grown to hate. If I had it to do over, I would have just left. It's isn't worth it to stay with someone you hate.

 

THe marriage blew up, but fortunately, the kids were in school by that time. I then went back to college and got two degrees and am now working on my third. I will never give my financial well-being over to a man again.

 

I would never do what you're doing though: cheating on someone indefinitely for your own selfish reasons who has idea what's going on.

 

I have taught my daughters to never rely on a man for there financial needs. Sorry you had that expierence. Yes selfish all the way around, I have never said I am not. I have also said, which many apparently gloss over that it was not without trying very hard to make my marriage the best marriage it could be, it just never got there and I realizied that it was never going to, ever. I found a solution that works for me without having to go the divorce route, no one really cares why because all they focus on is the cheating aspect, however, I do believe that human realtionships are much more complicated than just cheating, my W has responibility for the nature of our realtionship as well, as do all the BS on here. They just don't want to admit it they may have had something to do with creating the situation. I also have a fundemental issue having to split the assets and wealth I have accumulated with my wife who had zero, and I mean zero to do with any of it. As a matter of fact she is not a risk taker and if I would have listened to her, it would be a different finacial story for us. Thank you for your comments.

[2sure]

I have absolutely no issue with couples that stay married for any reason whatsoever. I know couples long married who do so for financial reasons, or reasons of convenience...you never see one with the other because they vacation apart & are hardly ever together in the same house. Those that I know accept & do not question if their spouse has affairs. They could not possibly care less , although Im sure they have some boundaries.

 

We all know couples who stay married for logistics like parenting & simple housing - and many have tried this just before divorcing. But sure, I can understand it if all is amicable. In my experience though , it is couples like this that end up cheating and betraying each other , keeping secrets, or one cares and doesnt know the other doesnt...all that ugly cheap stuff.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do believe that human realtionships are much more complicated than just cheating, my W has responibility for the nature of our realtionship as well, as do all the BS on here. They just don't want to admit it they may have had something to do with creating the situation.

I doubt that many people would question your assertion that the BS has a role - maybe even the primary one - in creating a non-functioning marriage. The more central issue is whether cheating - as opposed to the other approaches and solutions - is an acceptable response. And it may be even trickier - I question if, some years down the road, you'll think that cheating worked for you and was worth the potential eventual cost, financial issues aside ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarboniteCammy]

I'm just curious: what about your wife makes you happy enough to stay with her, even though your marriage isn't perfect? What would it take for you to stop cheating on her?

 

Do you use protection when you're with the other woman?

 

I guess my thoughts on marriage (and I'm going through my own issues, but I'm not cheating) are that no marriages are perfect, ever. I think some couples get along better then others do, but bottom line I think that if you were truly miserable with your wife that you'd leave, no matter the cost.

 

My grandma said once that a good marriage makes life worth living, but living with a bad marriage sucks all the joy from it.

 

People are alot like water; we follow the path of least resistance.

[Sauron]

This is a strongly anti-cheating forum where a lot of members have been seriously burned by cheating spouses and partners, so if you want to consider that a bias, it's to be expected.

 

However although I am not in your position I think I understand and even empathize with it. Keep in mind I have never cheated on anyone and am not planning to, but I think I can understand where you are coming from.

 

It's all well and good to say "just divorce" but when you are past the mid point of your life and have a lot of skin in the game, financially and otherwise, it really ISN'T such a simple thing to untangle all that.

 

Even if your wife DOES know about your affair(s), and isn't too happy about it, as long as you take care not to rub her face in it or humiliate her, she may be willing to play "don't ask don't tell."

 

For that matter, SHE may not want a divorce, even if you are cheating, and even if she does know about it, because SHE has a lot of skin in the game too, and if it's tough for a man in his 50's to start over, it's probably even tougher for a woman that age to do so.

 

In other cultures through history, dominant wealthy males were able to take concubines, mistresses, and in some cases, second, third, fourth, etc. wives. The first wife ruled the household and ruled the harem, the subsidiary wives were there to have sex, bear children, perform household tasks. (Yes I know I'm being very UnPC, but sorry, King Solomon had a thousand wives, didn't he?)

 

The idea of romantic or chivalric love, where a man and woman fall in love with only one other person, they are emotional, intellectual, sexual equals, and that state of affairs lasts for their entire lives, with perfect mutual satisfaction, even if "till death do us part" is another 50, 60, 80 years, is an ideal which, if it has ever actually been the "norm", has only been the norm within very limited time, social, economic, and geographic constraints.

 

However, acknowledging all of the above, you DO have to be prepared for the financial, emotional, and social fallout if you or your wife decide at some point to divorce.

 

I don't think you're a "bad man." I can easily imagine myself in your shoes if things were somewhat worse in my marriage and I had a lot more money.

 

 

Finally someone gets it! Thanks for your very well articulated post Duck.

[Sauron]

I doubt that many people would question your assertion that the BS has a role - maybe even the primary one - in creating a non-functioning marriage. The more central issue is whether cheating - as opposed to the other approaches and solutions - is an acceptable response. And it may be even trickier - I question if, some years down the road, you'll think that cheating worked for you and was worth the potential eventual cost, financial issues aside ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I prefer to think of it has getting human needs met that have gone unmet for a long time. Years down the road I will be dead and what will it matter then? We have one life to live on this planet, in my view there is no after life this is it.

[Sauron]

I'm just curious: what about your wife makes you happy enough to stay with her, even though your marriage isn't perfect? What would it take for you to stop cheating on her?

 

Do you use protection when you're with the other woman?

 

I guess my thoughts on marriage (and I'm going through my own issues, but I'm not cheating) are that no marriages are perfect, ever. I think some couples get along better then others do, but bottom line I think that if you were truly miserable with your wife that you'd leave, no matter the cost.

 

My grandma said once that a good marriage makes life worth living, but living with a bad marriage sucks all the joy from it.

 

People are alot like water; we follow the path of least resistance.

 

 

I would use protection if I was having sex with someone new and with my OOW who I only see every few months. I am in my 50's now and really don't sleep around like I used too.

 

I never said I was miserable, look if you own businesses you have much more to think about then just yourself. The way my marriage evolved, I ended up with some golden hand cuffs on regarding the marriage. And even though I have a lover and have been a serial cheater, I still have love for my wife, I feel love for all the women in my life. I would say that many of the men who cheat still love their wives, that's why a majority of you end up reconciling. If you wives would just try and understand what makes us tick sexually, and meet those needs youe probably would have affair proofed your marriage. I have expalined to mine from day one what wanted/needed but she never responded and realize she never will be able to early on.

 

I agree with your grandma's path of least resistance statement.

 

Thank you for your comments.

[frozensprouts]

OP

reading your posts kind of shows that you may not be the person you think you are...

 

you say that you cheat on your wife ( and also your other woman) because none of them can, individually, give you what you need. You say you stay because you don't want to lose too much in a divorce, are too old to divorce ( if you don't have to), etc.

 

honestly, think about that. You say you have been cheating on your wife for a good portion of your marriage. You weren't 50 then, with a business to worry about. Yet you didn't divorce your wife. You chose to stay.

 

seems more like you like certain aspects of your marriage ( financial security, security in general, stability)...yet you also seem to enjoy the "game" of cheating and pulling as fast one over on your wife...that's part of the thrill for you. You won't tell her your feelings and ask for an open marriage, yet feel your wife knows, on some level, you are cheating. If your wife knew for certain you were cheating ( open marriage) the "game" would no longer exist and that extra "thrill" wouldn't be there.

 

You say you love your wife, but really, look deep down in yourself and see if that's the case...do you really love "her" or just the peripherals that she provides?

 

Seems like you are someone who isn't cut out to be with just one person...fair enough...some are and some aren't. I don't think that anyone has an issue with that...it's the lying that people don't like.

Edited September 21, 2012 by frozensprouts

[Minnie09]

I agree that many cheaters are probably thrill-seekers, looking for the quick fix in order to fill a void, but those are the people that usually tend to be very jealous of their SOs. In Sauron's case, I think I remember him saying that he didn't care whether or not his W had her own A, or that he even wished she had one (I hope I am not getting posters mixed up here). So at least he's not applying a double standard here. Most cheaters I've met/seen/read about, were extremely jealous and would get a D themselves, if they had an unfaithful spouse, while at the same time they themselves cheat nonstop. That is what irks me the most. The double standard. The imbalance. The OP said he tried, tried counseling, found out it didn't work, blames himself for being selfish and wouldn't be surprised if his W had her own little cake on the side. That's what I call being a realist. He knows the reasons why he won't get a D and that's that. People are not perfect. But if they apply fair standards and both sides can still be content, that's something I can live with. Not my ideal notion of a marriage, but better than playing the blame-game (my spouse is mean/cold/doesn't give me sex and other stuff, fill in the blank), badmouthing the BS to others (esp. the OW/OM) and expecting the spouse to be a saint.*

[Sauron]

I agree that many cheaters are probably thrill-seekers, looking for the quick fix in order to fill a void, but those are the people that usually tend to be very jealous of their SOs. In Sauron's case, I think I remember him saying that he didn't care whether or not his W had her own A, or that he even wished she had one (I hope I am not getting posters mixed up here). So at least he's not applying a double standard here. Most cheaters I've met/seen/read about, were extremely jealous and would get a D themselves, if they had an unfaithful spouse, while at the same time they themselves cheat nonstop. That is what irks me the most. The double standard. The imbalance. The OP said he tried, tried counseling, found out it didn't work, blames himself for being selfish and wouldn't be surprised if his W had her own little cake on the side. That's what I call being a realist. He knows the reasons why he won't get a D and that's that. People are not perfect. But if they apply fair standards and both sides can still be content, that's something I can live with. Not my ideal notion of a marriage, but better than playing the blame-game (my spouse is mean/cold/doesn't give me sex and other stuff, fill in the blank), badmouthing the BS to others (esp. the OW/OM) and expecting the spouse to be a saint.*

 

Minnie, yes that is correct. If my wife is having an A, all I want is her to be discreet about it and practice safe sex. She does get text messages at like 3 am and very odd hours. And as I am gone a lot, she has plenty of space and freedom. She also has it very good. Actually if she was of the right mind I might join in with them, but her mind would probably warp to even contemplate that.

[Radagast]

Sauron, like you I am in my 50s. My ex-wife is in her 60s. I would be lying if I claimed that financial issues were of absolutely no concern to me in deciding whether or not to remain in my unsatisfying marriage, or to leave to be with my then-lover (now wife). I needed to be sure that the children would not be too adversely affected in terms of economic security, that they could maintain a lifestyle not too different from what they had been used to (though perhaps with fewer holidays abroad each year, and not being given every single new gadget that appeared on the market simply because it existed). I also needed to know I could provide the lifestyle for my then-lover that I would want to provide for her, even though material things mean little to her. She had a good lifestyle and I did not want to rip her away from that and offer her something that was not at least as attractive.

 

I spoke to financial advisors, and ascertained that my ex-wife could live quite sufficiently on her own income (with some modest downsizing) and that her pension arrangements were adequate. Given her age her career prospects were limited, while I was (and still am) at the peak of my career, with prospects opening up daily. This was very reassuring to me in the process of preparing to separate. While I doubt that financial concerns would have entirely prevented me from leaving, they may well have delayed me until the children had left home, to ensure that they had been adequately provided for.

 

Having been married to my former lover for a few years now I can honestly say it was the correct decision for me. I know for others it may not be. Those who may face health issues in their later years and lack access to good health care as a result of financial constraints, in particular, may think twice about leaving a situation that was bearable although not satisfying. Or they may think twice about inflicting that on their wife.

 

My wife did not want to divorce for many related reasons. She saw her romantic prospects in her 60s declining, she faced retirement and a life alone without the distractions of work, she worried about living alone and becoming ill and having no one to look after her. She felt that there was nothing wrong with the marriage and wished everything to remain the same. She felt that I had promised to take care of her forever and was breaking that promise. I very much doubt she will ever forgive me, but I find myself in a position not dissimilar to Nick Clegg where I find my regret is more for having made the promise in the first place, rather than for breaking it.

 

So while I did not make the same decision, I can certainly see why some would, and do. Ultimately though for myself, my daily quality of life mattered more, and the opportunity to be with the woman I love more than anyone else was too good to pass up. I hope that each day you celebrate your choices as wholeheartedly as I celebrate mine. I wish you the very best.

[Got it]

Sauron, like you I am in my 50s. My ex-wife is in her 60s. I would be lying if I claimed that financial issues were of absolutely no concern to me in deciding whether or not to remain in my unsatisfying marriage, or to leave to be with my then-lover (now wife). I needed to be sure that the children would not be too adversely affected in terms of economic security, that they could maintain a lifestyle not too different from what they had been used to (though perhaps with fewer holidays abroad each year, and not being given every single new gadget that appeared on the market simply because it existed). I also needed to know I could provide the lifestyle for my then-lover that I would want to provide for her, even though material things mean little to her. She had a good lifestyle and I did not want to rip her away from that and offer her something that was not at least as attractive.

 

I spoke to financial advisors, and ascertained that my ex-wife could live quite sufficiently on her own income (with some modest downsizing) and that her pension arrangements were adequate. Given her age her career prospects were limited, while I was (and still am) at the peak of my career, with prospects opening up daily. This was very reassuring to me in the process of preparing to separate. While I doubt that financial concerns would have entirely prevented me from leaving, they may well have delayed me until the children had left home, to ensure that they had been adequately provided for.

 

Having been married to my former lover for a few years now I can honestly say it was the correct decision for me. I know for others it may not be. Those who may face health issues in their later years and lack access to good health care as a result of financial constraints, in particular, may think twice about leaving a situation that was bearable although not satisfying. Or they may think twice about inflicting that on their wife.

 

My wife did not want to divorce for many related reasons. She saw her romantic prospects in her 60s declining, she faced retirement and a life alone without the distractions of work, she worried about living alone and becoming ill and having no one to look after her. She felt that there was nothing wrong with the marriage and wished everything to remain the same. She felt that I had promised to take care of her forever and was breaking that promise. I very much doubt she will ever forgive me, but I find myself in a position not dissimilar to Nick Clegg where I find my regret is more for having made the promise in the first place, rather than for breaking it.

 

So while I did not make the same decision, I can certainly see why some would, and do. Ultimately though for myself, my daily quality of life mattered more, and the opportunity to be with the woman I love more than anyone else was too good to pass up. I hope that each day you celebrate your choices as wholeheartedly as I celebrate mine. I wish you the very best.

 

This is where dMM was as well. Even after her affair, etc. the biggest thing she has continued to speak on is the promise to take care of her forever. It didn't matter if his needs were being met (she has continued to say that they are selfish) but her needs are different. Crap, even her affair was his fault.

 

Ultimately he realized that he was there only to be the provider and handy man but who he was, the man himself, didn't matter and shouldn't matter. While the financial and the kid piece was hard, he decided to divorce, there was nothing in their marriage to salvage and hadn't been for a long time.

[Sauron]

Sauron, like you I am in my 50s. My ex-wife is in her 60s. I would be lying if I claimed that financial issues were of absolutely no concern to me in deciding whether or not to remain in my unsatisfying marriage, or to leave to be with my then-lover (now wife). I needed to be sure that the children would not be too adversely affected in terms of economic security, that they could maintain a lifestyle not too different from what they had been used to (though perhaps with fewer holidays abroad each year, and not being given every single new gadget that appeared on the market simply because it existed). I also needed to know I could provide the lifestyle for my then-lover that I would want to provide for her, even though material things mean little to her. She had a good lifestyle and I did not want to rip her away from that and offer her something that was not at least as attractive.

 

I spoke to financial advisors, and ascertained that my ex-wife could live quite sufficiently on her own income (with some modest downsizing) and that her pension arrangements were adequate. Given her age her career prospects were limited, while I was (and still am) at the peak of my career, with prospects opening up daily. This was very reassuring to me in the process of preparing to separate. While I doubt that financial concerns would have entirely prevented me from leaving, they may well have delayed me until the children had left home, to ensure that they had been adequately provided for.

 

Having been married to my former lover for a few years now I can honestly say it was the correct decision for me. I know for others it may not be. Those who may face health issues in their later years and lack access to good health care as a result of financial constraints, in particular, may think twice about leaving a situation that was bearable although not satisfying. Or they may think twice about inflicting that on their wife.

 

My wife did not want to divorce for many related reasons. She saw her romantic prospects in her 60s declining, she faced retirement and a life alone without the distractions of work, she worried about living alone and becoming ill and having no one to look after her. She felt that there was nothing wrong with the marriage and wished everything to remain the same. She felt that I had promised to take care of her forever and was breaking that promise. I very much doubt she will ever forgive me, but I find myself in a position not dissimilar to Nick Clegg where I find my regret is more for having made the promise in the first place, rather than for breaking it.

 

So while I did not make the same decision, I can certainly see why some would, and do. Ultimately though for myself, my daily quality of life mattered more, and the opportunity to be with the woman I love more than anyone else was too good to pass up. I hope that each day you celebrate your choices as wholeheartedly as I celebrate mine. I wish you the very best.

 

Thanks Rad, well stated. I have some of the same issues you do. If my marriage ended today, I would not enter into another legally binding contract with any woman. Good luck to you.