Blue_Unicorn Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Since my ex and I broke up he seems like another person. We broke up on the phone, and he didn't sound like himself at all, and in the limited correspondence we've had since then I haven't recognised him at all - he seems like someone I don't know. He's withdrawn into himself and is pushing everyone away. He's being really cold to his sister and best friend, and I just found out that he's now ended the friendship with his best friend (of 15 years!). He says that he's happy though, but I think he's kidding himself. The one time I saw him after the break up, he acted like we were nothing but acquaintances, that our whole relationship hadn't happened, and I wasn't someone that he had loved (a lot) for the previous ten months. He's intellectualising everything, justifying our break-up, and the break-up with his friend in very logical, unemotional terms. I don't believe he's let himself feel the pain of this breakup at all. I know he's hurting himself, and I still care about him a lot. I'm thinking of going to visit him at his house and try to talk to him. We haven't really talked at all since the breakup (I've only gotten one highly logical and dismissive email response from him). He hasn't treated me very well since the breakup (won't go into detail about why we broke up, just said that we're not right for one another, and cut me off completely after the breakup), but I feel that it's because he's got problems, that he's not in control of himself. He has a history of shutting his emotions off when things get too painful, and I was thinking that if I could get him to talk to me and get in touch with those emotions that it would help? I fear if I leave him to "help himself", he won't, that he'll just withdraw more and more into himself and then it'll be too late, and he'll never change. I want to help him!
Calico Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 When I think about why I "need" to be in my ex's life, I sometimes come across the delicious thoughts that I could "help" her with her life, that she "needs" me, that no one understands her as well as I do. It sounds good for a moment, and it meets the desire to have a purpose, but then I realize that it's just another attempt by self-deception to prevent me from really letting go. Take a look into yourself and ponder that a little, see if it resonates. If it does, then it might be that you're subconsciously looking for "excuses" to stay in touch. Generally, I feel that if he wants your help, he'll ask for it. If he doesn't, and if he's not in physical danger, it is -- and I'm sorry for putting this so bluntly, it's something I have to remind myself of, too -- none of your concern how he is doing. You are not his saviour, you're his ex and you have just broken up with one another. He's a grown man and he may simply cope differently with the break-up than you expect him to. It may also just be show, the whole "I don't need anyone, I'm a tough guy and you all can get lost" thing. I don't know what's best, and I have a feeling you'll go there and check on him anyway. I understand it, too, really. Just be prepared that it may be another blow of rejection. I think it may be better to loosen the grip further. Let him be, see what happens. It's not your responsibility to make sure he's okay, even if you strongly feel that way. 2
flitzanu Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 why is it any of your responsibility to worry about him at all if you've broken up? don't look for excuses to maintain contact. 1
leoc1973 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 You are just looking for an excuse to see him cry so that you can walk away happy that he really cared about you in the first place. If you genuinely care about him and want nothing to do with him leave him alone. My ex touches base with me every once in a while and it brings back all the old feelings. It sucks and she is really selfish for doing so. As far as his friend maybe he hit a point in life where he isn't going to waste any more time on people who don't care about him as much as he needs. I actually had a couple of really good friends that I don't talk to anymore because while I was going through my breakup it got back to me that they said they were avoiding me because they didn't wanna hear me whine. And that was like a week after the most horrible breakup of my life from a woman that I felt was my other half. I can't put in words the pain I felt. And my best buds wouldn't return my calls when I needed them most. But when one of them wanted me to tile his floor a few weeks later he was my bff again. Point is I know where he's coming from. He's done with people that don't love him and support him the way he needs to be. Seriously if you have any love for this man at all stay away from him unless you want him back. 1
Recommended Posts