Living with my ex and pretty much want to kill myself...

[always_searching]

So, some background: I moved in with my current roommate/ex back in June. She had just gotten out of a four year relationship with a girl and we became good friends. And then she became interested in me.

 

I wasn't even interested in her initially. I mean, I thought she was nice and attractive, but she pursued me! Of course, I thought it was a bad idea, because (1) she just got out of a serious relationship and what would I be to her, if not a rebound? And (2) I am her roommate.

 

Well, I failed at being prudent, so we starting having a relationship. She asked me to marry her. She wanted to have kids. It all went really fast...and then the ex came back into the picture.

 

She totally indulged the ex's crazy behavior. See previous posts for more background on all of this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/336893-coming-out-leaving-church-dealing-girlfriends-ex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/337102-seriously-i-swear-i-couldnt-make-up

 

Anyway, so she finally broke up with me a few weeks ago and I somewhat lost it. Both of us have been depressed, but she was still talking with the ex this whole time. And then, last night she informs me that she may be back in love with the ex and she is pretty sure she is no longer in love with me.

 

I'm not being melodramatic when I say this, but I truly am suicidal at this point. I mean, I love this girl, even though I rationally know I shouldn't. She isn't financially stable. She is immature. Her feelings for me and other people fluctuate daily. And it seems pretty obvious now that she used me and never really loved me to begin with. Still: I lost my virginity to her! I came out to my friends and family for her! I agreed to marry her!

 

I think about killing myself daily. I seriously can't deal with this. And, honestly, I doubt it would make much of a difference whether I stay here in the apartment with her, or leave, because I really don't want to live. Period.

 

God, somebody please give me some advice. I'm seriously teetering on the edge...

[carhill]

Is there somewhere else you could stay for a few days? Maybe some space can diffuse the thoughts and feelings currently experienced.

 

Calling a suicide hotline, even if you're not currently perched on a bridge somewhere, is one way to engage an alternative. Those folks are trained and care. If nothing else, they'll listen and direct you to local resources to consider.

 

Since your friends and family are now disclosed about your sexual preference, calling a sympathetic friend or family member would be my first choice. If no joy, then the suicide hotline.

 

Keep posting here. This place is a mine of experience and good ideas and sympathy. You're not alone.

[Standard-Fare]

You definitely need to move out. Even if you have to do something temporary and weird for a while, and lose your rent money, you've just gotta get yourself out of that toxic environment. Crash on friends' couches, stay with family or parents, find a sublet online -- whatever! That's the first and most important step you need to take right now.

[always_searching]

Thank you carhill and Standard-Fare. I really appreciate both of your replies.

 

It's true that I would probably be better off if I left, but I can't afford a deposit and first months rent along with utilities while still paying the rent on this apartment. That and I have a cat and it's really difficult to find an apartment in this area that allows pets. Plus, maybe I'm a masochist, but I really do like this girl as a roommate and friend.

 

All that, plus, the only place I could go temporarily is my parent's house and, to be perfectly honest, I'd really rather not.

 

Yeah...

[Standard-Fare]

You said you're suicidal. That's serious. To the extent that this girl is to blame for your mental state, that sucks. But you also have to take some responsibility for your own role in it.

 

Right now you're making excuses about why you need to stay in that environment, when it's crystal clear you need to get yourself out. And I can't believe you actually just called her a "good roommate."

 

Move in with your parents for a while as you sort out a new living arrangement. I understand just how sh*tty that would be, but it's better than what you're doing now.

 

Whatever happens in the future with this girl, it's best that you aren't living together now. Being roommates completely inflated the development of your relationship, in some unhealthy ways. Even if you were to continue with her, it would be healthy if you could give normal dating or friendship a try, rather than this claustrophobic, all-consuming nightmare.

[Standard-Fare]

P.S. It's the start of September, meaning it's the ideal time to look for a new spot for October 1. (Earlier if you get lucky.) I assume you've paid out your rent this month already.

 

That's a month with your parents while you work out something new. Don't get me wrong, it sucks. But it's bearable. And the situation you're in right now is not.

 

Have the self-respect to help yourself.

[Reegs]

Move home. and be around people that love you unconditionally. People that are healthy, and will help you become healthy again.

 

Suicide is a serious serious thing....and you need to remove yourself from the toxic situation you are in right now. Its not helping you...

 

When my ex and I broke up...I moved back in with my mother for 2 weeks. (I am 28 and own my own place!) It was the best decision I made throughout the whole process. Being around people who care about you when you down in the dumps helps put a lot of things in perspective. Good luck my friend.

 

PS. NO woman...or furthermore...individual is worth taking your life over. NO ONE.

Edited September 4, 2012 by Reegs

[Chi townD]

No guy or girl is EVER worth ending your life over. I strongly recommend that you seek out professional help to work through your issues. Go to the Emergency room or call your personal physician to get you help.

 

And I agree, time to move out immediately. If she's not finacally stable, tough sh*t! She made this choice, not you. You owe her nothing!