Trusted Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 First Post Here! Hopefully this is the right forum. My questions are... where do I go from here? Do I have a shot with her? Should I give up? I was in a relationship for 2 years with my girlfriend. We bought a house within 6 months of dating, talked about marriage around that time too, talked about a baby, etc. Shortly after buying the house, we took in my half brother (drug dealing/gang member) to help him straighten up his life. Big risk considering I have a 7 year old daughter 50% of the time, but we did it. During this time my father and mother (divorced) and brother lied, manipulated, etc. Unfortunately my parents have been emotionally abusing me for many years and I basically became a puppet to whatever they said. Gist is that I would take my parents side, opinion, etc over hers on everything. Girfriend and I went to counseling together as we would fight constantly, but eventually she broke it off with me. At the time that she left, I had this epiphany of sorts. I realized that both my parents were in one way or another, toxic for my life and therefore could no longer be part of it. So I basically told them what needed to be changed if they wanted to be in my life. Nothing changed. I've spent the last 10 months becoming who I want to be without having to worry about the guilt trips, controlling stuff, etc. I'm finally happy with who I am. But...I no longer have contact with my family (I talk to one cousin), my best friend moved several states away, and I lost the love of my life. So with no one to talk to or lean on... I come to this board of strangers! She still texts and emails me sometimes(every couple weeks). We've talked about hooking up but she never is willing to follow through. We still own the home together(she doesn't live here) and her car together. She still emails my daughter back and fourth sometimes. She's been with a few guys, I've been with no one. She has said, if it wasn't for my parents, we would have made it and been good(said within last couple months). But...she won't see me, talk to me on the phone, and her family hates me(she's a big family person). I wished her a happy bday 8 mths after the breakup, do I get in touch with an email on our Anniversary? Am I stupidly dragging this out and making it harder? Thanks for the help!
head/heels Posted September 8, 2012 Posted September 8, 2012 I am confused, how long have you two been apart? How long has it been since you have seen one another/hooked up? Are your emails and texts cordial? . I dont understand why she will email you and text you but no chatting. Is she trying to get over you and will only contact via written word? . From what you have stated, it sounds like she was tired of the drama in your life. If you have cleared that drama then all you can do is let her know that you are now free of drama, that you want to give it a shot if/when she does and tell her let me know if you change your mind. Then go no contact and go on with your life. She will either contact you or not but at least you will be moving on and not waiting around for her. Read the (no contact) Caliguy Guide to NC and if it was meant to be then it will be.
Author Trusted Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 Thanks for the reply! We've been apart for a year and haven't hooked up. Only discussed. Emails and texts were cordial. Basically I called her out and said either she thought we could be in a relationship again or we shouldn't be talking. She said no relationship again. Then brought up all the bad parts of the relationship and how I could never be trusted again. She and her mother have actually befriended the mother of my child (old ex who dispises me). I'm sure that's been helpful to my cause... The thing that is helping me most is coming to one main realization. I realize that she doesn't still love me, so I'm wasting my time. I was continuing to tell myself that she loved me when in reality, she doesn't. If she did, her actions would be much different. She would have some remorse or would care somewhat about my feelings. A year later, she hasn't appologized for anything that happened in the relationship, while I handed her my man bits and said, "you're right, it's all my fault, lets try again." To no avail obviously. I can't make her love me again. Once that's gone, it's gone.
Crila16 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 She's exhausted. You can't blame her. She was dating you and in love with you, not your parents. You kept putting your parents first. After 2 years...she's enjoying her year without the drama. I don't think it's because she's not in love with you, I think she just hates the drama more than she's in love with you. She's been free for a year and is hesitant to put herself back in the situation, just in case it hasn't changed. Yes, you've cut your parents off...but she most likely doesn't believe it will stick. I'd keep trying. I'd make it a definitely date and tell her..."Look. You keep putting this off. Please can we get together and talk Saturday night over dinner. All I'm asking for is dinner." Just keep asking and keep following up. Once you get together, you can see how you both feel. She'll open up and you two can finally discuss. Just keep up the therapy. Having toxic siblings (like I do) are one thing...having toxic parents must be horrible.
Author Trusted Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 (edited) I agree 100%. I think she is exhausted and believes it won't stick. But I don't know how to fix that. I have asked her to dinner, lunch, etc. She won't even talk to me on the phone. She says she deserves someone who puts her first, doesn't try to manipulate things, etc. and that she could never trust me to be that man. Therefore, she could never consider dating me again. Her words. I figure I should just leave her alone now? I want to keep trying, but feel like it's kind of crazy to keep trying to be with someone who keeps saying no...? Once I got rid of my toxic parents, life has been sooo much better. No more constant manipulation, guilt trips, put downs, etc. To be rid of verbal abuse is nice. =) Edited September 12, 2012 by Trusted
Crila16 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You kinda can't blame her. Like I said before, she most likely doesn't believe you're done with your toxic parents...and she remembers how much it hurt her when she was with you. A year without that pain and the relief of not having to think about it anymore, you can understand why she doesn't want to dive back in with you. She's avoiding talking to you on the phone and seeing you, because she's afraid she'll get sucked into it again. Everyone wants their mate to have their back. Not having her back really hurt her. I know it would kill be if my mate didn't have my back. The only thing you can do is to keep trying to see her and if she keeps resisting, you can't do anything about it. You're just going to have to keep convincing her that you've cut your parents off and you never want to see you or her in that horrible predicament again. Tell her you're in therapy and you're trying to get better. Let her know that you've realized that you've let her down by not having her back ever. That you were wrong and now you see it clearly. Keep in mind that her family and friends are telling her not to get involved again. They're protecting her from a negative, dysfunctional situation that you're also trying to be done with.
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