Gaprofitt Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Hi All, It's been two months and a few days since my wife left after filing for divorce with our soon to be one year old son. We dated since 1999 and got married in 2003. I'm much better certainly than I was but I still struggle greatly and could use some more advice. She wants no contact from me even about my son. She only wants to email me how he is doing every few days and currently via our temporary agreement I am seeing him every other weekend from 10-8 (Sat and Sun). The empty house has been brutal as has her behavior. She has this entitlement about my son and is not remotely doing what's in the best interest for him, she is doing what's in the best interest of her. I am so hurt, I miss my son greatly and she doesn't care, she even was going to try and get no visitation before my family signed affidavits stating what a great father I am and how they have seen me take care of him. She was adamant about supervised visitation even though she had no problem leaving him with me when she was at home. I just don't understand at all and i'm totally crushed, I can understand divorce somewhat but treating a father like this is just beyond anything I would ever thought she would do. I have been going to the gym, spending time with friends and family, went to a party last night, been painting the interior of our house. No matter what I try I am lonely and cry all the time. I sleep 4-5 hours a night and just constantly think about things trying to comprehend what happened. I know I will never understand. I also spend a lot of time thinking about her, since she has left I have no clue what she thinks, how she is feeling, is she having doubts, etc. I just can't fathom how she has been treating me. I mean totally brutal. Any tips to help me take the next step would be great. I try to tell myself not to hold out hope that she will come to her senses. I struggle not to email her but I want to respect her as much as possible but it's tough not getting frequent updates about my son. It's also hard not to say other things. Thanks, Greg
january2011 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Her behaviour suggests that she is placing a lot of blame at your door, whether for the breakdown of the marriage and/or her unhappiness. She's angry and is trying to punish you by controlling your contact with your son. Most likely, her dissatisfaction has been going on for a while. Neglect due to other priorities such as a demanding job, social life or family commitments seems to be a common complaint but may not apply in your case. If you dig deep enough and look at previous disagreements and mentions about dissatisfaction, you may be able to understand why she left. This may mitigate your feelings of shock and help you to process and comprehend what happened. With regard to visitation and your rights, I'd advise you to speak to a lawyer to ensure that you remain in contact with your son. If your wife were willing to enter MC with you, that may be a good platform for her to communicate what is going on at her end. If she will not talk to you, except through legal channels, nor will she consider MC, then all you can do is remain polite and ensure that you've covered all your bases at your end. Right now, your focus need only be on your well being and that of your son. One day, your wife may be ready to talk, or she may not. As to moving on, you seem to be doing all the right things. Sometimes, there is no shortcut or way around - you have to just go through and allow yourself to ride the rollercoaster. If, however, you really are suffering and your mood and thoughts do not improve, you may wish to consider individual therapy. Edited September 4, 2012 by january2011
Author Gaprofitt Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 Her behaviour suggests that she is placing a lot of blame at your door, whether for the breakdown of the marriage and/or her unhappiness. She's angry and is trying to punish you by controlling your contact with your son. Most likely, her dissatisfaction has been going on for a while. Neglect due to other priorities such as a demanding job, social life or family commitments seems to be a common complaint but may not apply in your case. If you dig deep enough and look at previous disagreements and mentions about dissatisfaction, you may be able to understand why she left. This may mitigate your feelings of shock and help you to process and comprehend what happened. With regard to visitation and your rights, I'd advise you to speak to a lawyer to ensure that you remain in contact with your son. If your wife were willing to enter MC with you, that may be a good platform for her to communicate what is going on at her end. If she will not talk to you, except through legal channels, nor will she consider MC, then all you can do is remain polite and ensure that you've covered all your bases at your end. Right now, your focus need only be on your well being and that of your son. One day, your wife may be ready to talk, or she may not. As to moving on, you seem to be doing all the right things. Sometimes, there is no shortcut or way around - you have to just go through and allow yourself to ride the rollercoaster. If, however, you really are suffering and your mood and thoughts do not improve, you may wish to consider individual therapy. Thanks, I understand why she left, I just don't understand her behavior after she left. I don't understand the need to punish me, i'm hurting enough and barely sleep. I've pleaded with her for marriage counseling and I've been in counseling for over two months working on bettering myself, hopefully for our family if not someone else in the future. I really believe her family is in her ear telling them how horrible I am, you don't need him and basically building false believes i'm horrible for her and our son. I'm no saint and i'm working on my issues very hard but I'm good guy and not in denial about some of my behavior that lead to her departure. She posts on other forums and says half truths and all these women are like oh yeah, he's crazy and horrible which gives her strength I guess. She posts like half the story, she never tells them she cussed out my sister-in-law or denied visitation or that when my son says Dada she says bad word. It's just horrible. I wish she would wake up before the divorce is finalized. I've ask her to talk about a parenting plan, finances etc, she just wants no communication. How in the world are you suppose to do shared parenting without talking successfully. She provides no feedback on how she feels or anything, I have no clue if she has doubts, just wants to get the divorce over and done with, etc. I can't imagine going to mediation not having talked in 2 months. Greg
january2011 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, it seems that there isn't a lot that you can do that you haven't done already. If her family are indeed trying to "poison" her against you, she's an adult and can decide whether to listen to them or not. However, judging by her behaviour mentioned in your latest post, I think it may be more the case that she feels genuine animosity towards you, and her family are enabling her. From experience, it is not uncommon to side with a blood relative rather than an in-law when there is a disagreement, regardless of who is "right" and who is "wrong." From the hints you've given regarding why the marriage broke down, there is too much heightened emotion involved to allow any rational discussion to take place. Thus, unfortunately, you will have to prepare for mediation being the first time you will talk about what you want going forward. I'd advise you to continue with the counselling and make sure you get your ducks in a row so that you are not unprepared when it comes to fighting for what you want, especially with regard to your son.
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