PHX0215 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Where do I even begin. Last November a co-worker and I started talking as things at work were very slow. Over the next 4 months things went from innocent to flirtation, to an all out affair. We are both married and have 1 young child at home. Plus our families are good friends. Get together almost every week. Our kids our BF. *Messed up right? As the months passed we both realized this was more than just about Sex and there was a connection. He is the one that said, I Love you first. He is the one that started talking about a future. While things at home for me weren't great they weren't bad but over time they have gotten bad due to my pulling away from my DH due to MM.* MM started getting possessive and angry when I was honest about DH and I's relationship, saying I don't want you with him. *Stupidly thinking there was a future with me and MM I put obstacles in front of DH and I.* Fast forward 7 months and I'm miserable. I know that MM will never leave his wife. I know he loves her even though he says he isn't sure. Saturday he told me that he wanted me for his wife that he finally realized who he truly loved. Well 8 hours later (Sunday) it was, I'm spending day with my family. Please do the same and enjoy them. I didn't hear from him most of the day until late with a simple don't feel like talking tonight. All is good, love you. * This broke my heart! How can I continue to let the same situation happen over and over. 1 minute he says he wants only me next He says your right I won't leave my wife. *So I'm the one at home with my family doing everything possible to not burst out in tears and leaving a huge hole in My relationship with DH. He has repeated this same thing over and over. He has said I have a lot missing with W but having you allows me to not leave.* He has said if I didn't have you I would l most likely leave W. He says that you get me and I can be honest with you, you are my BF. 2 weeks ago when he called after having dinner with his family and said I think us being married and together is closer than we think. Next day acted like conversation never happened and I beggedd him to not speak about a future we both know won't happen. I had finally realized what this was and was doing ok with that when Saturday night he starts with I only want you not W.*You are the only one I am in love with not W I realize this now. Here it is Monday and I got a text early this morning saying he and W going shopping for him some new business clothes and would call this afternoon. MM and I had talked about going shopping for him. He says he loves me but how can someone hurt someone they love like he is doing to me. I'm the one that can't sleep, taking everything to not burst into tears.* Yet I know the minute I hear a text or phone ring deep down I hope it's MM. Please someone tell me why I let this man have this control over me. I'm strong, independent, successful this is not me!* I have to say no to him. I have to tell him that the lies are killing me. But i can't.* I have to decide what to do? Stay and just know this is just sex with some feelings. Or Go and see if he can leave without me like he says he can't.* I need help!* He did just text this is the chain as I was typing this: MM:*Just wanted to say hi at pool hope u guys r having a great day There getting food What are u guys up to Me: at home MM: cleaning* Me: no I'm tired so DD and I just watching tv Enjoy pool MM:*Yes last day to swim What is your deal! U seem so upset or rude I mean what the hell Me:*U Hurt me* U broke my heart U lied to me And u don't even realize it!* MM: how This **** is ridiculous now Me: Do you really not know? MM:*I don't even enjoy life anymore this bs now Me:*This isn't BS at all and You saying that wow makes it all more clear* Just go enjoy your day please MM:*Becuz u just harp on **** Me: is that what u call it Is for u to say when u are the one that did it MM:*I like what we have and understand it but I'll call u after I drop them off becuz sick of stuff* Pissed me off THX Then he called me. Told me I was ruining his day and why am I harping on what he said Saturday night.* I told him to leave me alone please. Then I hung up. He called back and said why was I causing this drama not worth it. I told him it was him that caused this with his words. That I was fine until he said things Saturday night that I begged him 2 weeks earlier not to say if they weren't true and not ready to act upon.* He blamed me before hanging up for ruining his day with his daughter. *It's all about him!* Why can't I walk away??? Please someone that's been there tell me the future!*
awkward Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 First, I'm sorry that you're hurting. I've never been in your shoes. The best I can do is tell you what is likely to happen. You're likely to destroy your marriage. You're likely to get a divorce. You're likely to hang on several years waiting for him to leave his marriage like you did. You're likely to get sick of it and end it with him. The pain will be 100x worse than it is now. You're family will be broken up. He will go on like nothing happened. You're likely to be pissed. You may even cause a d-day to make him pay. All the texting and crying and distance your putting between you and your betrayed spouse, will likely cause a d-day. Think about what you are doing. Think about what you want your future to look like. He seems to be future faking with you while you are believing it's reality. Others will come along and give you great advice on how to help yourself get out of this situation, from counseling to divorce. Please listen to them as many of them are wise and have BTDT. 1
Summer Breeze Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Where do I even begin. Last November a co-worker and I started talking as things at work were very slow. Over the next 4 months things went from innocent to flirtation, to an all out affair. We are both married and have 1 young child at home. Plus our families are good friends. Get together almost every week. Our kids our BF. *Messed up right? As the months passed we both realized this was more than just about Sex and there was a connection. He is the one that said, I Love you first. He is the one that started talking about a future. While things at home for me weren't great they weren't bad but over time they have gotten bad due to my pulling away from my DH due to MM.* MM started getting possessive and angry when I was honest about DH and I's relationship, saying I don't want you with him. *Stupidly thinking there was a future with me and MM I put obstacles in front of DH and I.* Fast forward 7 months and I'm miserable. I know that MM will never leave his wife. I know he loves her even though he says he isn't sure. Saturday he told me that he wanted me for his wife that he finally realized who he truly loved. Well 8 hours later (Sunday) it was, I'm spending day with my family. Please do the same and enjoy them. I didn't hear from him most of the day until late with a simple don't feel like talking tonight. All is good, love you. * This broke my heart! How can I continue to let the same situation happen over and over. 1 minute he says he wants only me next He says your right I won't leave my wife. *So I'm the one at home with my family doing everything possible to not burst out in tears and leaving a huge hole in My relationship with DH. He has repeated this same thing over and over. He has said I have a lot missing with W but having you allows me to not leave.* He has said if I didn't have you I would l most likely leave W. He says that you get me and I can be honest with you, you are my BF. 2 weeks ago when he called after having dinner with his family and said I think us being married and together is closer than we think. Next day acted like conversation never happened and I beggedd him to not speak about a future we both know won't happen. I had finally realized what this was and was doing ok with that when Saturday night he starts with I only want you not W.*You are the only one I am in love with not W I realize this now. Here it is Monday and I got a text early this morning saying he and W going shopping for him some new business clothes and would call this afternoon. MM and I had talked about going shopping for him. He says he loves me but how can someone hurt someone they love like he is doing to me. I'm the one that can't sleep, taking everything to not burst into tears.* Yet I know the minute I hear a text or phone ring deep down I hope it's MM. Please someone tell me why I let this man have this control over me. I'm strong, independent, successful this is not me!* I have to say no to him. I have to tell him that the lies are killing me. But i can't.* I have to decide what to do? Stay and just know this is just sex with some feelings. Or Go and see if he can leave without me like he says he can't.* I need help!* He did just text this is the chain as I was typing this: MM:*Just wanted to say hi at pool hope u guys r having a great day There getting food What are u guys up to Me: at home MM: cleaning* Me: no I'm tired so DD and I just watching tv Enjoy pool MM:*Yes last day to swim What is your deal! U seem so upset or rude I mean what the hell Me:*U Hurt me* U broke my heart U lied to me And u don't even realize it!* MM: how This **** is ridiculous now Me: Do you really not know? MM:*I don't even enjoy life anymore this bs now Me:*This isn't BS at all and You saying that wow makes it all more clear* Just go enjoy your day please MM:*Becuz u just harp on **** Me: is that what u call it Is for u to say when u are the one that did it MM:*I like what we have and understand it but I'll call u after I drop them off becuz sick of stuff* Pissed me off THX Then he called me. Told me I was ruining his day and why am I harping on what he said Saturday night.* I told him to leave me alone please. Then I hung up. He called back and said why was I causing this drama not worth it. I told him it was him that caused this with his words. That I was fine until he said things Saturday night that I begged him 2 weeks earlier not to say if they weren't true and not ready to act upon.* He blamed me before hanging up for ruining his day with his daughter. *It's all about him!* Why can't I walk away??? Please someone that's been there tell me the future!* My MM never promised me anything and never led me to believe there was a future for us. When I got to the point I was wanting more than what we had I ended it. To me it was no worse than ending any R but it hurt. When I felt my power going I stopped the whole thing. You've lost yours. You can get it back though. Small steps. Don't always be available to him. When he says he's sick of you keep ending the calls and tell him not to bother calling back without an apology. If he starts talking about your future have him put it in writing so you have proof. Turn things back on him. Find small ways to distance yourself. Cutting him off altogether will be almost impossible but work towards it. He probably is still with his W because you're making his life easier. You're giving him his soft place to land when he thinks he isn't happy. When you start grasping for what he's offering he can't deal with it and does a 180. Reclaim as much of your time and life as you can. Bite size control. Good luck and keep posting. 2
Mount Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 :cool:Separate topic - the way that OP wrote post is quite confusing me....
Author PHX0215 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I know my post was all over the place I'm just a wreck and needed to get it out. Most was a recap of last 48 hours. With background information. Sorry for the confusion.
Mount Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 It is ok....:rolleyes: some other viewers will give you advice very soon. I know my post was all over the place I'm just a wreck and needed to get it out. Most was a recap of last 48 hours. With background information. Sorry for the confusion.
Fitz Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 The answer is simple: He treats you so poorly, because you allow him to do it. But the more important and telling question is this: Why do you allow people to treat you poorly?
Spark1111 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Ok, let me understand this... As long as you rush to answer every text, seem happy, no ecstatic, with the way things are, never put any pressure on him, never bother him with your needs....it is all wonderful. What kind of relationship is this? This is a fantasy and your role in HIS fantasy is to be waiting, compliant, and sexual, and listen to him mope about his marriage, and never expend any energy, time, emotions, and maybe sex, with your own husband. He doesn't want a REAL relationship, he wants an escape from the one he already had...and you are sweetly providing it for him. He also likes how forbidden it is, friend's wife, kids best friends. He sounds like a rebellious adolescent, and more than a bit of a narcissist. See how angry he became when you actually grew upset with him? He has a wife for that darling and that is not what he seeks in a mistress. Meanwhile, by your OWN account, your H is a pretty good guy. What are you doing? You will crash and burn, destroy your H, your marriage, your child's view of you....ALL for what? A MM who doesn't want you to complain? Start backing away fast. Watch how quickly he moves on to the next woman who will only provide him with an inexhaustible supply of ONLY positive adoration. 4
veryhappy Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 The way to stop being powerless is to claims your power back. Whatever that is for you. 24 hours not responding him, 2 days, 3 days, one week. Whatever you know you can do. I do not recommend disappearing, so I suggest you tell him: hey MM, here's the deal. You have been future faking, and lying to me that things will happen but I see no action. I cannot live my life, so I need to do something about it (keywords it's about you - your life and you are doing something). I might not reply to you while things are too intense for me, until I feel I am in a better place. You need to step back. It will be hard, but each time you'll try you'll last longer. 1
rhw Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 what if what he's really saying is this? "for how long can i keep you spinning In this downward spiral? I know it's much too late but still Still I keep using you And how far will I let you slip In this bottomless pit? I cannot rest my thoughts on you So I'll leave you this way Forever and anon torn I've lost my passion and my soul Still rain pours from the darkened sky Leave me in this darkness Dreams of me only poison your sleep Leave me now I am heartless Dreams of me only make your heart weep" would you still want to stay and find out what''ll happen?
2sure Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Most affairs require the partners to compartmentalize their lives. Especially those that are married. My experience is only with married men, but I can tell you that even for those with no real intention of leaving the marriage...the What Ifs, and future talks are a big part of the appeal of the affair. In fact, I think it is this line of conversation that makes some APs really confused as to what the relationship is. These conversations often stop meaning anything once you are gone or off the phone. Your MM gets really angry and nasty when you call him on it or try to get out of the box your relationship has been exisiting in. He gets angry that you are with your husband and angry if it upsets you he is with his wife. He says you are harping at him when you say you feel hurt. Youve described your marriage as pretty good until the affair started. What is this MM adding to your life?
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