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Posted

First off, I know I should be going to a therapist with these kind of deals. It's just number one, I'm in college, so I don't have a ton of extra funds and number two, maybe I'm scared they're going to tell me something I don't want to hear.

 

Anyways, here's the deal...

 

I'm a senior in college. For the most part, I've had an extremely blessed life — sent to a private school when I was younger, played sports my whole life, am talented and driven in my field and I've always been a well-liked person. I guess the only real glaring negative in my life is my parents' divorce, which is obviously kind of a big deal, no matter how much anyone tries to downplay it. It happened nearly 14 years ago when I was about 8 years old, so you would think I'd be over it now completely. And I think I am, but sometimes, I maybe subconsciously, the effects still linger with me on a daily basis.

 

I have plenty of friends. I'm in a fraternity. I have great roommates. I have a full time job that most would kill for at my point in life (I'm a beat writer covering our athletics here on campus). I have a girlfriend of seven months who I'm in love with — and she's the first girl I've ever been in love with, at that. Here's where things...don't add up, for lack of a better way of putting it. Bear with me here, as this may or may not turn into a conscious stream of thought...

 

Earlier in my college days, I enjoyed going out all of the time. I drank a good amount, did some stupid stuff, but made a lot of great memories with my friends. After I broke up with my last girlfriend (we dated for about 2 years), my going out and partying reached its peak. This was about a year ago now. I was going out literally almost every night of the week — starting on Tuesday and going strong through Saturday. Sometimes even Sunday.

 

However, after about three solid months of that, the novelty wore off rather quickly. I had sex with a random girl for the first time in my life — I had only previously been with my ex. I hated it and I was over going out. I wanted to slow down, focus on school, work and my good friends...you know, the things in life that actually matter when it's all said and done.

 

Once I decided this was what I wanted, my current relationship fell into my lap. We had been friends for three years prior to our dating and she suddenly developed feelings for me. We always got along great and I thought she was cute, so I gave it a shot.

 

And I fell for her, hard.

 

In fact, I honestly fell in love with her a month in. A month after I realized how I was feeling, I expressed my feelings to her. It freaked her out, simply because she had just come from a relationship that had really messed her up, so she's extremely hesitant regarding commitment. I regretted it and apologized, but she insisted it was ok. However, just to make her comfortable, I haven't uttered the three words since.

 

Other than that, our relationship is great. We get along perfectly and are each other's best friend. I can talk about football with her and she knows what she's talking about — it's like a guy's dream come true. We laugh a lot when we're together; we really just enjoy each other's company.

 

However, lately she's been very busy with work and school, as have I. The time for each other becomes less and less, which is stressful, but when we are together, everything is fine.

 

But here's the thing....I've been going through these crazy mood swings lately. There will be days when I'm perfectly happy, but there are also days when I get down for no reason at all — like today. So down that I almost find myself on the verge of tears, and I don't know why.

 

Things that interested me in the past don't anymore. I did want to slow down with my going out, but now, I really don't like to go out at all. I can't wait to get out of this town. Very few things here interest me at all whatsoever.

 

Although I hate to admit it, because I realize it's a very dumb and insecure way of thinking, I think I have a fear deep within me that my girlfriend is never going to love me. I constantly wonder if she's ever going to be able to get over her past and let me break her wall down to let me completely in. Things may be great, but I can still sense that she's not fully committed.

 

And I hate feeling this way and feel extremely sheepish while typing this, because I know we've only officially been together for 7 months and everyone moves at their own pace and I have to give her time. She does treat me well, it's not like I'm being abused. It just sucks to love someone when they don't love you. I feel like anyone in my position couldn't help but wonder if she was ever going to love me back.

 

She's admitted to me before that she thinks she might subconsciously pull back on her feelings for me because she doesn't want to get hurt like she did before. I hate that she feels this way, though, because my feelings for her honestly grow on a daily basis. I would never do anything to hurt her and I can legitimately say that hypothetically speaking, if she came out today and said she loves me too and we weren't still in college, I'd be completely ready to marry her. I've dated my share of girls and nothing has felt like this. I want to help her break down the wall...but I guess this is a natural process that she just has to move along at her own pace with.

 

But, as I said before, I think I have a deep fear that she will never let herself love me. I 100% completely think she would love me at this point if she just let herself. I've seen her break down and struggle...I can tell she doesn't want to let herself. So I try to pull back on my feelings because I realize there's a chance I may be the one ending up hurt here....but I can't. No matter how hard I try, I can't pull back on my feelings. Instead of them shrinking, they grow every day. And I hate it.

 

I hate that I'm letting my doubts and insecurities about this relationship weigh down my life. I'm sick of being unhappy when I should be perfectly happy. I don't know what to do anymore....all of these stupid thoughts fill my head on a daily basis...and the last thing I want to do is bring this up to her, because this would probably just push her away and do anything but help the situation.

 

Why can't I just take it a day at a time? I try, but I haven't been able to. I don't know why I feel the need to know that she loves me too...it seems so trivial when I think about it rationally....someone please knock some sense into me....Thanks.

Posted

So here's the thing. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You've been dating your gf about 7 months now and after 7 months, it is perfectly normal to start to want to use the "I love you" expression on a regular basis with your significant other. I don't think it was smart to say you had strong feelings for her after a month. That should be a time when you feel each other out and just have fun. After 7 months though, it seems she cares about you, but there are really underlying issues that she needs to work out when it comes to trust. There is only so much you as her bf can do to be there for her, ultimately that is her journey to figure this out for herself.

 

You are obviously looking for a meaningful and loving relationship so it is perfectly normal to debate these things in your head. I don't think you need to see a therapist, I think you just need to be honest with yourself and with her. Give it some time, be her support, and have fun together. You will know when the right time is to have that conversation with her about taking your rship to the next level.

 

Just remember there comes a point where if sufficient time has gone by in your relationship and she still hasn't worked through these trust issues, you need to have the ability within yourself to let her go. We can only do so much to have an influence on another, at the end of the day it's her decision on whether she is willing to commit and break down those trust barriers. Stay strong and carry on.

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Posted

Well, I've been trying to stop thinking so much and just trying to enjoy the relationship, and everything was going great in my head until last night. We were out at the bar with all of our friends and having a good time.

 

She was definitely a little buzzed, but I don't think she was wasted or anything like that. Anyways...you probably can guess what I'm about to say...

 

At one point she walked up to me and said it..."I love you." She immediately caught herself and put her hand over her mouth and sheepishly smiled in embarrassment. She then said she was sorry and gave me a kiss.

 

Of course, I know drunk I love you's usually hardly mean anything at all, especially if I love you hadn't been said yet. But I'm obviously human, and you now know my situation, so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't letting it bother me/making me think.

 

Stuff like....does she really love me and is just scared to admit it? why did she say it? does it mean anything at all?....are all running through my mind.

 

I'm doing my best to just forget it even happened though, because I know it probably doesn't mean anything, right? Thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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