rhw Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 today's the first day i realized i lost count of how many days of NC it's been because i don't care anymore. counting it meant i kept hoping he would eventually break it. obviously, that isn't going to happen anytime soon (it *will* happen; past behaviors and all, but not by me). no matter who comes to hijack this thread and to lambast me for still loving him (i do. i always will) or for knowing with all my heart that with 11 years behind us, he very much loves me, i know now that this love turned toxic. where he was once my safety, an addition to my own light and bolstered my own shine, his behaviors have made me pay a very high price and i lost me in the process. THIS IS NOT LOVE. i can't be tempted to look at anything that might make me overreact (like that picture earlier this week) as his page or her page or whatever is no longer visible to me. i do not now or ever wish him, her or anyone ill will of any kind because i frankly just don't care to hold on to the hope or to the anger. if that is where he is choosing to be for whatever reasons he may have, then i wish them the strength to make that work. i just don't want to feel the way i've been feeling these past months. most importantly, my exMM's behaviors made me recognize certain behaviors in my close friend who is also attached (not married) and has recently taken to texting that he misses me at 3 a.m. Major red flags here! *RG finds me very beautiful and he loves me very much but we are friends. i like that friendship, and to keep it, i stepped back. just letting him be for a while. i'm not denying that i'm in pain, that i'm broken, that sometimes i feel like i'm dead inside. that will take time but i finally just got to where i see now that time really will take care of things. and the only way to really heal *is* to go complete NC. 1
LadyLost Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 rhw, youre an inspiration to me! I hope I can get to where you are soon. You sound strong and determined and I really hope you keep going.
Author rhw Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 rhw, youre an inspiration to me! I hope I can get to where you are soon. You sound strong and determined and I really hope you keep going. you are too, and you will be. just look at my previous threads to know the **** i had to go through to get here. and like i said, i'm not ever going to be "over" him nor am i ever gonna stop loving him (the man i loved for good reason for a really long time), nor will i allow bitterness and anger from others to take away a truth i know about our relationship or his love for me. all that matters now is that knowing i love him, i want ALL or nothing. not the in between that makes me feel lower than crap. funny how when all the flames and the explosions die down, the truth shows itself.
Ladydrib Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 today's the first day i realized i lost count of how many days of NC it's been because i don't care anymore. counting it meant i kept hoping he would eventually break it. obviously, that isn't going to happen anytime soon (it *will* happen; past behaviors and all, but not by me). no matter who comes to hijack this thread and to lambast me for still loving him (i do. i always will) or for knowing with all my heart that with 11 years behind us, he very much loves me, i know now that this love turned toxic. where he was once my safety, an addition to my own light and bolstered my own shine, his behaviors have made me pay a very high price and i lost me in the process. THIS IS NOT LOVE. i can't be tempted to look at anything that might make me overreact (like that picture earlier this week) as his page or her page or whatever is no longer visible to me. i do not now or ever wish him, her or anyone ill will of any kind because i frankly just don't care to hold on to the hope or to the anger. if that is where he is choosing to be for whatever reasons he may have, then i wish them the strength to make that work. i just don't want to feel the way i've been feeling these past months. most importantly, my exMM's behaviors made me recognize certain behaviors in my close friend who is also attached (not married) and has recently taken to texting that he misses me at 3 a.m. Major red flags here! *RG finds me very beautiful and he loves me very much but we are friends. i like that friendship, and to keep it, i stepped back. just letting him be for a while. i'm not denying that i'm in pain, that i'm broken, that sometimes i feel like i'm dead inside. that will take time but i finally just got to where i see now that time really will take care of things. and the only way to really heal *is* to go complete NC. RHW, your post is inspiring. Sending you love. Ride out the waves when they hurt and know that a longer wave without pain is just around the corner each time and will be longer each time.
Author rhw Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 RHW, your post is inspiring. Sending you love. Ride out the waves when they hurt and know that a longer wave without pain is just around the corner each time and will be longer each time. thank you!
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 You got some healthy thinking going on, that's great! no matter who comes to hijack this thread and to lambast me for still loving him (i do. i always will) or for knowing with all my heart that with 11 years behind us, he very much loves me, i know now that this love turned toxic. where he was once my safety, an addition to my own light and bolstered my own shine, his behaviors have made me pay a very high price and i lost me in the process. THIS IS NOT LOVE. A great realization. To know and be aware of this will always keep you where you are now and you'll continue to heal as time goes on. Congrats on losing count on the NC!
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