lesson learned, here's what happens when you don't go nc

[salmagundi]

The last two months have put both my heart and head through a wringer. I'm posting this just to get it out of my system; to lance the boil so to speak. Maybe this will help other people in my situation who just don't know when and how to let go.

 

We broke up two months ago. See my prior threads for details. The executive summary is that I was in a bad place last year undergoing a work related burnout and was not very present for her, even pushing her away. I went away to work in the bush for two months after quitting that job. I came back determined to make us work and feeling way better about life. She had decided to break up with me after cheating on me in june. We both loved each other but she was very angry at how I treated her last winter so she didn't want to continue.

 

We were very lc for a couple of weeks after but she spent weekends at our place that we share (she lives on an organic farm during the week). so we had to see each other.

 

I knew in my head that nc and moving out right away was the right move, but we started communicating again and talking through our issues. She noticed how much I had changed since detaching myself from my job. I thought we were on our way to reconciliation. We started having sex again. We behaved like a couple again when we were together. Maybe I read too much into her words and actions, but even broken up our relations were as intense, as fun and as passionate as ever. Moreso, because I was so much more present and sure of what I wanted. I was determined that our breakup was a mistake, that she broke up with the man I was and not the man I am. I told her so.

 

I was giving even odds of a reconciliation. She was still going to move out but she found a place really close. A mutual friend told me she was not over me, still loved me, but just needed time to figure things out. After her farm job finshed she was taking 10 days vacation back home, I figured this would be great for giving us some space and her getting some time to think. But I was still sure she was on her way back. I am, of course, a jackass...

 

The night before leaving she told me that she was worried about hurting me because her ambiguity. I worried that the only time you warn someone that you worry about hurting them, its because that's exactly what you're going to do...

 

She got back from vacation last thursday and while she was happy to see me, and we spent the weekend together, we no longer had sex. She said it was too confusing for both of us. This put a serious damper on my ideas of us getting back together, but she was still overwhelmingly ambigious. Still kissing me, wanted me to hold her, cuddle etc. Mybrain wanted no part of this but My heart couldn't let go. I kept telling myself that if she was done with me, than how could she still kiss me so passionately (exactly like the first time, I could see it on her face)?

 

But finally, I told her that I had to let her go, that when she finsihed moving out (yesterday) I would have to do what I should have in the first place: cut the cord, go no contact and leave her be. Maybe she would come back and maybe not but I couldn't live in limbo like this.

 

We spent our last day together yesterday. We went for a hike, cooked dinner, talked all day and night about everything and nothing. It was really a great day and it felt exactly like we were still together. She asked to spend one last night. She loaded the last of her things this morning and we said goodbye. An kissed for a long time. What the **** are we doing?

 

Anyway this is day one of nc for me. I feel like ****, liked I've lost the love of my life, the mother of my children and my best friend. And mostly I feel pathetic for allowing myself to be her emotional crutch for the last two months. Because I am afraid that she ahs been using me to get over me all this time.

 

Here's what I have learned:

 

1. Loveshack gives good advice and only fools ignore it. In breakups, we always want to do what hurts the least in the short term. So we keep contact to get our temporary fix but we also get long term pain. NC hurts a lot in the short term...but in the long term its the best way to heal.

 

2. If someone breaks up with you instead of trying to work through relationship problems, they are taking the easy way out. Which is not to say its not the best way. But its not for me to chase after them no matter how muchIlove them. Because if she felt the same way she would never have broken up with me.

 

3. The nicest women in the world can still be manipUlative as hell when they are hurt, lonely or doubting. It doesnt make them evil that they string you along. The responsability is yours to have good boundaries and not let them push these boundaries. That way it will be impossible to string you along.

 

4. To quote jason molina "love leaves its abusers". And once you break it, all the love, conviction and intense feeling in the world on your part can't make those same feelings come back on her part. If you don't make her a priority, she will make someone else a priority. And that is a fuxk of a hard lesson to learn...

 

thanks for reading and commenting, sorry its so damn long...

Edited September 3, 2012 by salmagundi
wrong word

[Dblock10]

failing to see what you did wrong, she gave you reason to stay..

 

how is this your fault

[Gab09]

First of all I want to thank you for sharing this with everybody else, I broke up on the 17th and was doing NC but fell apart on the 29th and send her an angry email..

 

It was the worst thing I could of done, I felt worst than before and got nothing accomplished.

 

Thanks again for sharing, always good to read other peoples experiences and opinions during this hard times.

[salmagundi]

I'm not sure I follow Dblock, but if you mean that I was right to stick around because she still wanted to have sex with me and everything, I would say that what I did wrong was to not have clearer boundaries. She broke up with me, but she wants to keep sleeping with me, she makes me feel that we're talking and working our way through BUT in the end...we stay broken up. I shouldn't have let her use me as a crutch. I understand why I did, its because I love her and wanted to get back together with her. But by not cutting contact with her immediately after she dumped me, I feel that I've been a doormat. I feel kinda ...weak...and this pisses me off. I should have held her off until she gave me a REAL reason to want to take her back.

 

As it was I was trying to **** my way back into a relationship. That couldn't possibly work :/

[salmagundi]

No problem Gab, i think the reason I did, even though I feel seriously pathetic, is because I've spent too months reading what not to do post breakup, and then went ahead and did exactly that.

 

Worse, I've been posting my opinions on other peoples threads and I'm so bloody sure of the advice I give other people like I'm the MAN on relationship advice but in real life I'm floundering around like a lovesick fool as bad as anyone on this site.

 

Post breakup shame at the stupid things you say and do in front of your ex will kill you. The best thing about NC is it prevents you from having to deal with the shame and torment of being a pathetic jackass while desperately chasing after your ex.

 

live and learn, I guess (though I though I had learned all this 10 years ago. **** that, 20 years ago

[salmagundi]

By the way, and just out of curiosity and desire for insight, can anyone tell me why my ex is acting this way? I've never been through a breakup this weird and ambiguous. The feelings that fly between us right up the moment we kissed this morning before saying goodbye for good make me wonder why we broke up at all...

[Gab09]

Ugh.. Don't even get me started..

 

This emotional roller coaster I've been riding for the past 5 years has taught me a lot of things..

 

I'm pretty sure I can give as good advice as any, but following it yourself is the tricky part.

 

I once had my EX acting the same way as your wife, we had broken up and tried NC for a couple of days. I couldn't stand it, I started trying to talk to her and just "being friends"..

 

We would occasionally go out, talk on msn and I would even go shopping with her. We would kiss and sometimes make love, but she would still break my heart everyday by telling me that she didn't want to hurt me and we should still be broken up.

 

I'm not saying your wife doesn't love you anymore, she may very well still love you, but she doesn't think she still wants to be with you.. It happens, it happened to me and it was horrible.

 

It is the worst punishment you can put yourself through, but I am glad you realized that, even if we do trip 10 times, what matters is we stand back up, no?

[salmagundi]

Yeah, that sounds about right. I figure she's emotionally immature. Actually I know it. She told me a couple of weeks ago that in her head she's feeling like an adolescent. Whatever that means. It seems like it means when she's around me she wants me and when she's not she wants whoever else. Oh right...she told me that. She wants to 'explore.' This is why FINALLY I am going NC...

 

Good thing she's not my wife by the way, I couldn't imagine how complicated that would be. Bad enough waiting two months for her to move out of my apartment ;p

[mfluder]

Post breakup shame at the stupid things you say and do in front of your ex will kill you. The best thing about NC is it prevents you from having to deal with the shame and torment of being a pathetic jackass while desperately chasing after your ex.

You are completely right here. Lord how I wish I had known that earlier, would have saved myself a lot of heartache and a lot of embarrassment. You're right though, we live and learn. Takes courage to learn from our mistakes I find, and even more courage to act on that knowledge.

 

As for why she did this, I can't be certain (obviously), but your speculation that she might have been using you as a crutch to get over you resonated with me for some reason. I had never considered that before. It sounds contradictory on first glance but makes perfect sense, especially if she is emotionally naive.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts, very insightful.

[salmagundi]

No problem, misery loves company right?

[Sameold]

This is all so true. Either heal with NC or poison yourself with LC or anything else, keeping them on fb and a whole host of other stuff.

 

It's my LTR gf of 4 years 25th tomorrow and will she hear from me 3 months after BU? Negative.

[salmagundi]

****...I am starting to get so goddam angry at what a fool for love I've been. My girlfriend was the sweetest woman ever while she was my girlfriend...She seemed so wonderful, genuine and innocent. But lately I've learned how manipulative and flaky she is. thing that gets me is...well...I left out a detail because I don't quite know how to deal with it. But she told me that while she was on holidays she slept with some random she met.

 

No, we are not together and yes she can do what she wants but...i really thought we were on our way to fixing things so I feel like she cheated on me all over again. Am I right to be angry at her? I don't really ****ing care because I am anyway but it seems wrong to me. It feels like she was stringing me along to make sure I didn't go to far away while she checked out what else was available. Who does this? She could have just straight up told me she wasn't interested and stayed away from me.

 

Oh right, lesson #3...

 

But it still seems wrong and I can't get my head around how self-centered she's being. (or how stupid I'm being...) The contrast between the woman I went out with and the woman she's being now is breaking my heart worse than the breakup. Its like she doesn't give a **** about me...

 

Sorry about the self-pity but it sure beats being pathetically hung up on her and wanting her back. The way she is acting now...there's no way...

 

I mean...not like its going to happen anyway

[Gab09]

That's what fkd me up all the time.

 

When we were ok, it was great, like so many people say, ALL THE TIME!

 

She was such a nice person TO ME, she would have a lot of head bumping with my family because of her temper.. But she cared about my stuff, she would buy me **** whenever she went out to the stores or what not..

 

It was.. just.. I don't know.. That's what got to me, I got so used to this girl and it's tearing me apart inside.

 

So I can totally relate to you man, but to this point although I am mad at her for deciding to leave, I can't lie and say I don't want her back.. Even though we fought for the last 10 days of our relationship on and off.

[salmagundi]

day 2 of nc. not much of a milestone but at least i finally have stopped bullshytting myself so this progress...i guess...

[Tree_Salmon]

day 2 of nc. not much of a milestone but at least i finally have stopped bullshytting myself so this progress...i guess...

 

I can go months of NC now. You have to get past the first crappy days.

 

Think of all this in very simple terms, control is an illusion. You cannot control anything anyone thinks or does.

 

The best you can do is worry about what happens with yourself now, she will either come back or disappear. No point in worry about something you have no control over.

 

My ex tried to get me back with sex while with her new rebound and then disappeared when i turned her down. Who knows what they're thinking but it really shouldn't be your problem right now.

[salmagundi]

Yep, not my problem anymore. Nope, not ****ing easy going NC. I can't stop thinking about that last kiss before she left for good and wondering 'how can you kiss someone like that and still want to be broken up with them?'

 

I'll know I'm better when I stop asking myself that.

[Sebastian76]

I am sorry hear what you are going through, it royally sucks! Thanks for sharing, love your way of writing!

 

It sounds like she did in fact still have feelings for you, but had made up her mind. I'd be pissed off as well. It was way too convenient for her to string you along - clear conscious about having told you it's over, no obligations what so ever, great sex with you and whom ever else she fancied spreading her legs for. Of course it wasn't so rose colored on your part! The sleeping with you and other guys at the same time, while knowing too well how you felt, is utterly despicable and cruel imo.

 

I sense a general trend where guys can't seem to grasp how their sweet, loving and devoted girlfriend can suddenly turn into this completely different cold and heartless b1tch. It is like all of sudden one is reduced to 'random guy status', and the women feel entitled to act in any damn way she pleases. It's like girls have some sort of Jekyll and Hyde love switch. If it is on they'll put up with all kinds of crap and go through hell (and we men naively start taking things for granted.. sigh) but once it is switched off there is just no empathy, no comforting or any remorse. The more we openly suffer and accept being strung along the more she'll walk all over us and the less likely she is to be coming back, which is also why NC is the only feasible path to take. Both to save our self from total humiliation and loss of self respect but also to make her feel some kind of loss (either because we are angry as hell and pathetically want some revenge or because we pathetically want her back)...

 

Oh and the NC is not guaranteed to get easy any time soon. I have sticked to NC for 3.5 months now and not heard a squeek from her. Yeah I saved some self respect and likely shortened the suffering, but I still feel her coldness and obvious indifference as a big slap on my face every day, week or month where she still havent made any attempts to contact me.

[salmagundi]

Thanks for your words Seabstian, you're right...I guess she made up her mind...as ambiguously as possible but whatever

 

Your Jekyl and Hyde comment brings me to Lesson #5: You may have known you're girlfriend but you do not know your ex. So don't bother going through the ex to get the girlfriend back. Chances are they don't know each other anymore either. Go NC and either the girlfriend will come back herself without having to convince her (lesson #6: you cannot convince anyone to feel anything that they don't already feel) or you will make the ex go away forever. Win/win situation

 

And yeah man, you're right, NC brings its own challenges, like waiting and wanting the ex to contact you and thinking if they don't then they don't give a ****. That would hurt. In my case it won't happen I know. The important thing though is that I have taken back power because I will not contact HER and i'm not adding more pain to the pile I've already accumulated. I'll be shoveling that **** for weeks...

[Dblock10]

I'm not sure I follow Dblock, but if you mean that I was right to stick around because she still wanted to have sex with me and everything, I would say that what I did wrong was to not have clearer boundaries. She broke up with me, but she wants to keep sleeping with me, she makes me feel that we're talking and working our way through BUT in the end...we stay broken up. I shouldn't have let her use me as a crutch. I understand why I did, its because I love her and wanted to get back together with her. But by not cutting contact with her immediately after she dumped me, I feel that I've been a doormat. I feel kinda ...weak...and this pisses me off. I should have held her off until she gave me a REAL reason to want to take her back.

 

As it was I was trying to **** my way back into a relationship. That couldn't possibly work :/

 

ah so you got used? see my ex broke up with me to then left to another country, came back 9 months later, told me she still has feelings then leaves again, then informs me she is happy being single and isnt looking. then telling me how seeing me again was good, but nothing has changed for he and she didnt want to be an item after seeing me again.. wtf

 

so yeah its like false hope isnt it. so you have basically come to the conclusion to draw the line to protect yourself

[Dblock10]

I can go months of NC now. You have to get past the first crappy days.

 

Think of all this in very simple terms, control is an illusion. You cannot control anything anyone thinks or does.

 

The best you can do is worry about what happens with yourself now, she will either come back or disappear. No point in worry about something you have no control over.

 

My ex tried to get me back with sex while with her new rebound and then disappeared when i turned her down. Who knows what they're thinking but it really shouldn't be your problem right now.

 

tree i like this post what you say about control.. so when you say she will either come back or disappear do you think thats true for all cases? my ex left and is now abroad potentially for a year maybe more.. she has initiated contact and i replied to her question about how this gig was a i went to. then she asked about my work but i didnt reply..

 

should i? its been 22 days nc for me now and not replying to her generic question. i realise she is just being friendly and she is happy being single etc so really what do i do, reply in kind or just let it go now

[salmagundi]

Hi Dblock. I don't know if I got used, if I allowed myself to get used or if my ex is just really confused and honestly didn't realize how much her mixed messages were headf&?king me... It really hurts to think that she could string me along, but not as bad as it hurts to think that I ****ed up any chance of getting back together by being a doormat and letting her these past two months...

 

But yes, I had to draw a line to stop going further into debt with the Bank of Pain and Emotional Torment...

[Sebastian76]

"But yes, I had to draw a line to stop going further into debt with the Bank of Pain and Emotional Torment..." Haha love it and good call!

 

It's a horrible feeling once you realize your own pathetic behaviour pushed the one you love further away. But seriously dude, we are not friggin' robots that keep our calm while we see everything we care about going down the drain. Cut yourself some slack.

 

In this case I honestly don't think your ex believed she were stringing you along. I think everything was on a "what do I feel right now" basis.. Love him love him not... She probably did love you and felt like being with you more than anything else, and was honest about that (in those particular moments)'. But women are basically driven by emotion more than anything else, and feelings are fleeting, so what happened yesterday or what she felt yesterday is likely not be relevant for how she feels or what she wants today, at least not during a break up period, when her head is like a big nuclear emotional cocktail of puberty, menses, menopause and schizophrenia all at once. Must be f#cking hard to keep track for themselves!

 

And it is this schizophrenic state that really f#cks us guys over, because nothing is coherent and nothing seems to make any sense. When I read girls' accounts of their boyfriends dumping them, it is usually more transparent what the hell is going on. It's like "I don't feel anything anymore, sorry hon" or "Can't see it happen so now I just wanna go and get some pussy". Usually pretty blunt but a whole lot easier to navigate (equally hard to circumvent though).

 

The more I experience (usually in a heart wrenching way) and the more I visit this site, the more I realize just how fundamentally different men and women really are...the mind boggles!

Edited September 4, 2012 by Sebastian76

[salmagundi]

EXACTLY! I know whenever I have broken up with a woman it has always tell them its over and then...BAM! its done... I don't seek them out, write them, ask how they are doing. I disappear. It might seem cold but at least its clear and its fair to them in the sense that I don't string them along and give them no reason to think I'm coming back.

 

But whenever I get dumped I always go through this phase where my emotional wreck of an ex is all ****ed six ways to sunday in her head, doesn't know what she wants but DEFINITELY doesn't want me to go too far. That is until she is comfortably in her next relationship.

 

I even had an ex (you can read about her in the 2007 edition of Loveshack) that found out I was dating another girl and went to that girl and asked her to stop seeing me because it hurt her too much...(really...)

 

I have never ever ever been clearly and unambiguously dumped by a woman. And I can tell you that fact has cost me untold months of unnecessary extra emotional pain.

[salmagundi]

day 4 of nc.

 

She's moving the last of her stuff out of the appartment today. The finality of it all hurts like hell.

 

I'm doing really ****ty. Regret is eating me alive. I can't stop thinking of her formore than two minutes. I can't stop thinking that I blew all chance of getting her back but not dropping her like a hot rock when she first dumped me. Why the hell did I keep sleeping with her? How blind and stupid am I?

 

I came out of the washroom at the university today and glanced into the classroom opposite and who was sitting in the second row? yep, you guessed it.

Seeing felt like being pummelled in the stomach with a 2 by 4. I'm just glad she didn't look up and see me...

 

She messaged me last night. Telling me what she's been up to, thanking me for hanging onto her cat for a few months (yeah...I'm a cat man now...). She ened with a plaintive sounding "a bientot...peut-etre?". "see you soon...maybe?"

 

Ihaven't answered back...I don't know if I should...I don't want to be a jerk by freezing her out. I just want some nc time so I can let the dust settle and see clearer. I thought I would simply tell her that...

 

I'm not in denial anymore, but hope dies hard in me...

[Mike_d]

hang in, you've been around long enough to know what's coming at you now. just do your best, accept that it may not be perfect, and keep the faith that it'll get easier "soon"