confused333 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Several years ago my W had a relationship with an ex-lover. She said he was just a friend, however she had a secret email account that she used to communicate with him, she met him at least twice for drinks, etc. I accidently found out about by reading her email that she left open, then I put a spy program on the computer. I was not able to find any proof that they ever had sex during the time we were married. She claims that it was not an affair since the did not have sex. I confronted her about it and she said she would set up a meeting between the three of us so I could see he was just a friend. She kept postponing the meeting and said that he cancelled out several times. Finally I called him and he said she had never contacted him about a meeting between the three of us. So she was lying about contacting him and him cancelling out. He told me on the phone that there was nothing going on between them and that they were just friends. He assured me that they had met only once for drinks since we had been married. I knew of two times, so I knew at that point I couldn't believe anything he told me. When I confronted her about it she said that she had cut off contact with him several weeks before and that she would not see him or contact him again. I know that I made my position very clear to her. If he was just a friend, there was absolutely nothing wrong with that and that there was no reason to cut off contact with him. The thing that I objected to was her having contact with him behind my back. There is no way that she could have misunderstood my position. For over 3 years I monitored the cell phone records monthly to see if she had called him, and I continued to monitor her email. I found no contact, but of course she could have set up another secret email account and emailed him from her office computer, or called him from the office and there is no way I would have known. I finally thought that I had gotten over it, and I quit monitoring the cell phone records and email. Then a few months later in March of this year, she gave me her wallet to take home, and being nosy I checked it out. Sure enough, she had his business card in her wallet. I was devastated. A couple of weeks later I was able to again look at her wallet and the card was gone. I started monitoring the cell phone records again and in June and July there were several calls and text messages to/from him. On August 12th there was an email from her to him. She had responded to an email that he sent her, however the message that he sent her had been deleted. Her email was: To xxx I say let's be friends, keep in touch every so often and leave it at that. On Aug 11, 2012 11:39 AM, "xxxi" <xxx@emailaddress> wrote: <The rest of email was not there> My question is, should I be be relieved at that email. It sounds like she's telling him that she just wants to be friends. However, why did she delete the email that he sent her? Does she suspect that I'm reading her emails? Was there something in what he said that I would have been concerned about? She sends/receives most of her emails through her smart phone. I know her password, so I look at the messages several times per day. However, if she deletes the message as soon as she sends or receives it I would never see it. This is the only email to/from him that I have seen since she told me that whe was cutting off contact.
Later82012 Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 What you saw is a continued conversation and it is very clear that he is pursuing her and looks like she wanted you to know she just wants to be friends with him now and maybe she wants your help to end it with him. I think she knows that you are reading her emails. They might have been in contact all this time through her work email and phone. It is so sad that you are having to monitor an adult like this.
BetrayedH Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 You should be concerned. She should be having no contact with this man. Why are you permitting it? Why did she not disclose this conversation to you? Where are all of the other messages from June and July? Why is she deleting emails and messages from him immediately? Doesn't it seem convenient that the only part of any of the messages that you were able to see was the part where she says she just wants to be friends? They are both liars and you are searching for any way possible to believe them.
Author confused333 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 Why are you permitting it? She doesn't know that I know and I wanted to see if I could gather any more info before talking to her. Why did she not disclose this conversation to you? This is what really, really bothers me. She knows the most important thing to me is what she calls "full disclosure". She has told me that she realizes the way to keep me happy is "full disclosure", yet she still kept not only this, but all of her communication with him secret. My thinking is if it's kept secret there's more going on than just friends. Where are all of the other messages from June and July? The messages from June and July were phone and/or text messages, not emails, so I have no way of reading them. Why is she deleting emails and messages from him immediately? I don't know that she is, I just suspect this because this email didn't seem to be just a "one time" thing. Doesn't it seem convenient that the only part of any of the messages that you were able to see was the part where she says she just wants to be friends? Yes, it seems very convenient. It seems like she did that on purpose, so that if I confronted her she could say that was proof that it was innocent on her part and that she told him she just wanted to be friends. That's why I think that there's more to it. They are both liars and you are searching for any way possible to believe them. Yes, that's what I think, however I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
BetrayedH Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 The longer I am here, the more I have found that the only way to deal with a cheating spouse is to show them the cold hard reality of the consequences of their actions and to bring it down on them like a hammer between the eyeballs. All of this benefit of the doubt business allows the affair to continue and keeps you mired in all of the doubt while they get the benefit. If you want to reconcile with your wife, your best bet is to file for divorce. When you hand her the papers, you explain that your expectations were clear that there be full disclosure and that she could not handle this one small requirement. Instead, she has kept in contact with this OM and hidden it. This is happening because she is a liar when she knew this is the one thing she could not lie about. She is being hit with divorce papers because she is a liar and you will not dedicate your life to someone that is actively lying to your face when they understood exactly how important this was. If the OM is married, you expose what you have to his wife. You pack your wife's things and you ask your wife to leave. If she finds it so difficult to respect her husband by going NC with this man, she should go to him. He can have her. You don't want her. Suddenly this wonderful, joyful affair bubble that they have been living in is completely burst. It is no longer fun. The MM would likely dump her ass and do whatever he can to salvage his marriage. The land of unicorns and rainbows and sunshine and sunflowers is gone and she is left being completely responsible for the demise of her family and has probably lost OM to boot. It's one hell of a wake-up call. This is not your first go-round with your W on this. Everyday you delay is another day of bullcrap for you. You need to regain your self-respect and I guarantee that an aggressive move like this will get her attention, end the fantasy, and increase her respect for you. I honestly don't mean to be harsh but right now she is playing you for a fool and you are proving her right. You need to take charge of this situation and show her that what she is doing is unacceptable and you will NOT accept it. This is a direct result of her own actions. If she then does everything and anything to repair the damage that she has done, you have the right to decide to reconcile. If she doesn't, well, you're one step closer to that divorce. My $.02 anyway. 5
Joaquin Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 What a way to live. Years of checking up. Where did that get you. More lies. You have to show that there are consequences. Cheaters have to lose to learn 1
freestyle Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Please listen to Betrayed H---It's the only way to save your M, and your self-respect. There are a few success stories here on LS, of posters who were able to save their M's after infidelity--and in each case, the BS, came down HARD on the WS. There are times in life when issuing an ultimatum IS acceptable. This is one of those times.
Author confused333 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 Doesn't it seem convenient that the only part of any of the messages that you were able to see was the part where she says she just wants to be friends? It also seems strange that he didn't reply to this email. At least a quick "OK, we'll keep in touch". It almost seems like she called him and said "I'm sending you this email to CMA, don't reply to it". Or maybe I'm wrong and most people wouldn't respond to an email like this.
Author confused333 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 What a way to live. Years of checking up. Where did that get you Years of misery.
Radu Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 OP, i'll be blunt with you. I wanted to ask how long the two of you have been married, if you have any kids, what about her friends, what are her parents like. But, after 3yrs she does this. Yes, it does look convenient. If you want some closure, there are ways to recover SMS/MMS from smartphones, if they were deleted. You can also install a program on them to forward you their messages automatically, pictures, and even listen in on their coversations. I think all of this is pointless. Just divorce her, and do not listen to any pleadings from her ... only lies come out of that mouth of hers. Go and talk to a lawyer so that with time you can find someone that has integrity and which you actually deserve. Also, inform the spouse of the OM, and her parents/family but before you do this, save the messages.
BetrayedH Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 It also seems strange that he didn't reply to this email. At least a quick "OK, we'll keep in touch". It almost seems like she called him and said "I'm sending you this email to CMA, don't reply to it". Or maybe I'm wrong and most people wouldn't respond to an email like this. My gut says you were right on the first part. CMA. How interesting that just this one email fragment is all you have to go on. And yes, as I recall from your earlier story, this has been ongoing for years for you. Last I recall, you were wondering about the vanishing business card for a guy with whom she was supposed to be NC. And now you'r back months later with proof of her being in contact and just not knowing the content. What you do know is that she is lying. What are you going to do?
GLDheart Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 You are on the brink of a nuclear bomb being dropped on your life. You just don't know it yet. Start preparing for the fallout. It is ugly and it is harsh.
whichwayisup Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Talk to her again. Ask her how she would feel if you had ex gf you still spoke to, got together with once in a while and texted/emailed weekly, talked to on the phone..ALL behind her back. I think there's more going on, or had gone on, than you realize. Why is she hellbent on keeping him in her life? She's getting something out of it, either an ego feed or a rush of feelings.. ALL bad and will affect your marriage, how she feels towards you. She has to decide. Him or you. She can't have it both ways. The friendship is damaging and it's totally inappropriate. Is this guy married? If so, maybe his wife should be informed of their so called 'friendship.' Stand up to her and don't let her control the situation or turn it around on you.
GLDheart Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 The simple fact that she hid it is all you need to know. Seriously consider counseling in regards to this communication breakdown to save your marriage. The integrity is gone.
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