From a broken heart.

[Mariana345]

I don't know what to do anymore. I have to confess that I am not OK. I thought I was but no.

 

Today is the 3 months mark of my BU and I am having mixed feelings about it. I am angry, sad, disappointed, regretful, I have anxiety and depression.

 

I'm angry because, although I understand the BU I can not forget that he, in a cowardly way, first have to find someone to replace me and only then he could left me AND blame only me for the problems and the fights. He lied to me, cheat, made me feel guilt and broke my heart. He completely destroy the trust and I don't know if I could ever believe in someone else. It is really hard.

Besides, he humiliated me when he left me for someone else. He humiliated me with my friends and even with his, not that I really care about them, but still is a really heavy emotion inside.

 

I'm sad because I thought we were meant to be, I thought that our love could manage anything, especially his. He always told me how much he loved me, how I was the best in his life, that I was his princess, his girl, that he wouldn't never ever going to love anyone as me, that even if we broke up he maybe will not have a girlfriend as soon, or want to marry anoyone else but me. I did believe all of this. He seemed so sure about it and I believe it. So I felt for it and drop my dreams that wouldn't let me stay by his side, the biggest dreams and I had to settle with less. He wanted me to be less that I can. When I kept dreaming really high he become unable to handle, and very often he told me that in that case he would leave, that he wouldn't wait for me. It was really awful, and I really wasted that time in growing myself.

 

The disappointment came from the lies, the deceive, the broken promises, the wasted time, the humilliation... He was my first, and thought he will be my last...

 

Immediately after the BU I went to counselling. I'm still working on it. I'm on prozac for my depression. I still have panic attacks and have anxiety really often. It is going really difficult for me to pass through this.

 

I started NC really soon, and just break it when asked for my stuff. That was like 3 weeks after the BU, so already more than 2 months without knowing from each other. I have so much pride and that is what keeps me from calling him, but still is difficult knowing that we don't share any bond anymore. I think he is really hapy with his decision since he haven't contacted me AT ALL. I unfriend him from facebook and about 1.5 months later he blocked me. And just last week I've received a facebook message from someone unknown that actually was mocking me, telling me: "How does it feels that he left you for someone else", that almost sent me to square one (because I had suspicion but with that it was confirmed).

 

It is the worst I've been through, but is even worst that I still have lingering feelings. I still want him back at times. I am hurt, badly, and still I miss him, obviously for the good times, but I have to keep reminding myself that he is not that man anymore. Since last week I keep coming back here to search for succesfull stories, sometimes to remember that it does happen, and other times to realize that I can't happen to us. Because reconciliation happen passing the anger, after forgiveness and recovering the trust, and I don't think that could ever happen in this case.

 

Sometimes I think I could forgive, that IF he came remorseful or admitting his mistakes and promises to make amends maybe It could work... but later I don't know if that will be enough. Sometimes I just want him back to reject him and recover my pride... but it is even worst for me thinking that way.

 

I have realized that in this 3 months I've improved more than in those 5 years in the relationship, and I almost have my life back. About two or three weeks ago I came to a decision, a really important one. I have the opportunity to go study abroad, for maybe one or two years. It is reaaaaaally far from my country, and probably it will be a completely new life. I'm excited about it, it was the dream that I've dropped before. But clearly it will kill every chance to recover the RS, ever. I know that I have to do it. I can't wait for him, especially after all the things that have happened. I know that and still... I'm working to grab this chance, I've already made plans and I am following them... and still!! Still feel my heart broken for just give up, although he gave up first.

 

I feel stupid having all this feelings, this lingering hope, being so angry and yet thinking about wanting him back. Thinking that he could regret and then we can work things out. I don't know!! I don't think he will regret it, and is even worst! By the way, I still having this daily phone call at my work. I don't know if is him, but every day I have at least one phone call and after I answer they hang up... at first I didn't think too much about it, but later I found it weird... I think I wish it is him... but still really odd that is every day... nevermind...

 

I now know that I don't need a boyfriend, I need a partner, someone who let me be who I really am and be proud to be beside me. I don't know if he can be that guy. I'm so confused, he was that guy for the first years, and then he just stop caring about it. It is so frustrating.

 

I'm broken. My heart is broken, and I don't know how to repair it. I wish I could have hope, and at the same time I wish I could give up hope. Some encouraging words?

[Agni]

Honor your feelings. All of them. The beautiful and the ugly. The ones that contend with each other. The ones that torment you and the ones that make you long. Be patient with yourself and let time heal. You are all the right things, keep at it. And that means venting/processing your feelings. I want to respond more directly to the feelings you've brought up and will do so in a later post.

 

You are beautiful, time will heal your heart. Just love yourself through all the feelings, and let others love you too.

[KathyM]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Five years is a long time to invest in a relationship and then have it end. Some men are very insecure and seem to think they need another woman before they leave the one they have. If your guy cheated on you, then good riddance to him. He didn't have what it takes for the long term if he's going looking for someone else while still in a relationship with you. Now you have an opportunity to study abroad, which is an exciting thing to look forward to. A good way to move on and put this chapter with this man in the past. I know you miss him, but it sounds to me like he did not have what it takes to be there for the long haul. Not if he's a cheater who doesn't have the guts to end one relationship before starting another one.

[Mariana345]

Thank you both of you!

 

Agni, I will look forward to that words, thank you

 

KathyM Thank you so much for your words! I know that he doesn't worth my pain, he is a coward and I am really disappointed on him, as he already knew my thought about it. The worst part are this mixed feelings, want him but don't want him... Want to fix things and want to make him suffer somehow... I actually thought that by this day we will be together again... I don't want to forgive, I don't want to forget... But still miss him sigh* I wish I wouldn't loved him this much.

[Car10e]

Hi, our stories are very similar. I was also replaced quickly (the same week we broke up actually). To be replaced that quickly after spending 5 years with someone, experiencing so much with that one person, is like a stab to the heart. 2 months after breaking up, I definitely still have feelings for him, but they are not good feelings. Mostly, I feel anger towards him. Of course I miss him and all the things we did, but it angers me so much that he found a replacement to do all the things I used to do with him. Sometimes I wonder if the reason why I miss him, is because I miss all the things we did. I'm not really sure, but its a tough thing to get through.

 

I am not out looking for a new boyfriend. I feel like I need to get over him completely first, before I can start seeing other people again. Right now, just keep busy. Thats what I've been doing, and I have found it has been working. Someday (hopefully sooner rather than later), someone else will come along and make you happy again. You just have to tell yourself, "Good things come to those who wait."

[mfluder]

Hey Mariana

 

I have read some of your threads and followed your story. I am in a similar position, only I didn't have the self-respect or pride to have no contact with this person. We tried to "remain friends" but that only made it harder on me, and in the end he started to become flaky and wouldn't come see me when he said he would. After confronting him on this he completely blocked me out of his life, threw excuses for doing so at my face and made me feel awful. I then discovered (yesterday actually) that he was living with someone else and that was the real reason for blocking me out of his life. I know for a fact that he met this person about a week before he made us take a break to "decide what he wanted to do", whether to leave me or not.

 

I sent a nasty message to him as a knee-jerk reaction, calling him some nasty things, and told him to never contact me ever again. It's hard knowing you have been played for a fool like that, and even harder for me when I consider that I couldn't handle NC, even though I suspected he was seeing somebody else, and it took him blocking me out of my life for me to learn the truth and finally tell him to leave my life. Pride on the floor.

 

I just wanted to say that even though you are in a very hard place right now, your story gives strength to others, if only to realise that you are not alone in feeling this way. I also feel guilt, anger, betrayal, hurt, and I feel like a fool too. I feel like everything was a lie. I am shocked, to think the person I thought I knew and thought respected me has treated me this way, lied to me, gone with someone else whilst leaving me hanging for a month, then tried to maintain a friendship with me, like that is somehow acceptable, and that I fell for it all, hook line and sinker.

 

If he did cheat on you, you are the better person, I think this new opportunity that has presented itself is an ideal way for you to truly move on and start a new life for yourself this time. Grab life by the horns and don't regret a thing.

[Mariana345]

Hey Mariana

 

I have read some of your threads and followed your story. I am in a similar position, only I didn't have the self-respect or pride to have no contact with this person. We tried to "remain friends" but that only made it harder on me, and in the end he started to become flaky and wouldn't come see me when he said he would. After confronting him on this he completely blocked me out of his life, threw excuses for doing so at my face and made me feel awful. I then discovered (yesterday actually) that he was living with someone else and that was the real reason for blocking me out of his life. I know for a fact that he met this person about a week before he made us take a break to "decide what he wanted to do", whether to leave me or not.

 

I sent a nasty message to him as a knee-jerk reaction, calling him some nasty things, and told him to never contact me ever again. It's hard knowing you have been played for a fool like that, and even harder for me when I consider that I couldn't handle NC, even though I suspected he was seeing somebody else, and it took him blocking me out of my life for me to learn the truth and finally tell him to leave my life. Pride on the floor.

 

I just wanted to say that even though you are in a very hard place right now, your story gives strength to others, if only to realise that you are not alone in feeling this way. I also feel guilt, anger, betrayal, hurt, and I feel like a fool too. I feel like everything was a lie. I am shocked, to think the person I thought I knew and thought respected me has treated me this way, lied to me, gone with someone else whilst leaving me hanging for a month, then tried to maintain a friendship with me, like that is somehow acceptable, and that I fell for it all, hook line and sinker.

 

If he did cheat on you, you are the better person, I think this new opportunity that has presented itself is an ideal way for you to truly move on and start a new life for yourself this time. Grab life by the horns and don't regret a thing.

 

 

Thank you very much for your words, and I'm so sorry that you are going through that and I hope you could find peace soon, and yes, we are not alone, at least we have each other here